Please, Save Me
Jia, who had brought two cups of coffee, clung to his side again, pressing even closer. "...Is that really possible?"
"I’d like you to watch over me. I’ll do well. I really will."
"Hmm, but I have a question."
If there was one good thing since Eunbyul arrived, it was that talking to Jia didn't feel quite as stifling as before. Seeing them fight fiercely and then get along well had softened his guard. With a total stranger suddenly barging into their lives, she acted as a mediator, and when things needed to be said directly, she would curse openly instead of beating around the bush. It felt cathartic.
"...Why did you come back?"
"Ah... that is."
"Really. Be honest."
Jia thought for a long moment, steadying her heart to speak as eloquently as possible this time. Then, she began.
"I packed all my things and bought an apartment. I unpacked there... and thought about just lying down and resting."
"At the time, I think I just thought, 'It’s for the best.' If we divorce like this, I won't have to listen to what other people say anymore, I won't have to worry or struggle over love... but,"
Hmm. Right. She had thought that...
"But love wasn't the problem. When I woke up from sleep, Master was supposed to be by my side... but you weren't. The empty space felt so cold... I think that's when it started. I became incredibly depressed, sad... and all I could think about was dying."
"Dying..."
"I really intended to die. While organizing my things, I threw most of them away, but I kept 40 sleeping pills. I kept them exactly where I told you. I planned to go to you, and if you didn't accept me, I would come back, take them all... and just die."
He looked at her, realizing this was truly how she felt.
She stared at the turned-off TV and continued cautiously.
"At first, it was just... half of my life... my husband is gone. He doesn't wake me up anymore. There's no man to eat meals with anymore... thoughts like that. Sometimes, we had fun, didn't we? We'd buy two books to read together, talk about work. If someone was visiting Korea and I had to interpret for them, I'd say I was nervous because they were so tall... and you'd pat me on the back and tell me I'd do well. The fact that there's no one to listen to my work anymore, and no one to pat me on the back and cheer me on... it was so... *hiccup*, *sob*,"
In the end, Jia burst into tears. He watched her for a moment before patting her shoulder.
"Right. I see."
"...I, *hic*, *sob*, I... I thought that was just something that would always be there... like a charger, I guess I thought of it as a charger I could always keep plugged in and use whenever I needed it. But now that it's gone... the fact that there's no one to take care of me when I'm sick, and, *sigh*... and I tried to eat, but since no one was sitting in front of me, I couldn't eat alone, so I threw up, and I had to take my medicine..."
"Medicine?"
Jia swallowed her tears and looked up at him.
"I held on for about three days, but I felt like I was going to die, so I didn't go to work and went to a psychiatrist instead. They gave me medicine for severe depression... but when I took that medicine, all I felt was the urge to commit suicide. 'Why am I living? What am I living for?'... thoughts like that. I had to eat to take the medicine, and I felt like I was getting a little better when I took it, but I'd throw it up as soon as I did, so I just wanted to sleep. But..."
"...Even there, I took Master for granted..."
Jia asked him to hold her. If she didn't, it felt like she would die from the sheer difficulty of dredging up those memories. He looked at her for a moment, and since it didn't seem like acting, he slowly pulled her into his arms and sat her on his lap. Then, Jia whispered in a small, tearful voice—
"I can't sleep well."
"...I know."
"I can only sleep when Master holds me in bed... at the very least, I need to be able to see you lying next to me to fall asleep... I forgot all about that. You practically lived in my studio apartment... I thought I could sleep on my own, but I didn't have my dolls, and I didn't have Master there to pat me to sleep... Sleeping in the study was so hard. I couldn't sleep unless I cried until I was exhausted. That's why I was always oversleeping..."
"So after I left the house, I couldn't sleep without sleeping pills. But Master, do you know what?"
"...?"
"When Master isn't there, the sleeping pills don't work either. If I take them now, I can only sleep for about three hours. Then I have nightmares, and as soon as I open my eyes, I throw up in bed. After I barely clean that up, I feel like I'm going to throw up again, so I go to the bathroom... and I keep throwing up. That was just my life."
And then,
"...After hearing things from the outside, my nerves were on edge, everything was annoying... I knew there were foods Master liked, and because I couldn't make them for you, it kept haunting me, and I felt like I was going to die."
"Food?"
"Yes, Master likes meat, right? I said that when we got married, I'd earn a lot of money and feed you lots of meat... but later, I'd eat the meat myself on purpose so you wouldn't be a picky eater, and I'd only give you vegetables..."
"Well, that was edible enough..."
"...The look on Master's face back then... thinking about it now, it's terrifying enough to give me goosebumps."
It felt like the past had been romanticized. There were so many similar incidents that he didn't actually remember them well.
"And we decided to use pretty nicknames when we got married... and Master kept all of that... but I was the only one who would say things like 'Hey, you' to Master..."
"...That you did."
"So if I could go back, I was determined never to do that again, because I felt so sorry. But even though I thought like that, and made up my mind to cook delicious meals every day, and not speak informally, and call you by pretty names... even though I tried not to be annoyed and only do good things for you, thinking there was no way back now..."
"...."
"I wanted to die."
Then, Jia confessed her feelings regarding her sexual desires. She looked away, blushing deeply from the embarrassment of talking about it, before gripping his lapel tightly and speaking.
"...I wanted to."
"Is that so?"
"...A lot. I didn't know how to masturbate, so actually, that's why I asked you to show me the video earlier. It's not that I didn't try! While I was living alone, I was curious, so I touched the same places you used to..."
She closed her eyes and touched herself exactly as he used to, but the more she did it, the more she wondered what on earth she was doing and why she was acting like this, so she said she gave up.
"...Everything else is fine, but being penetrated and reaching climax was the most important thing."
"That's... yeah, I see..."
"I still don't know why I hated that. I think maybe because you treated me like a slave, those thoughts bled into my sexual desires, and I tried to change myself."
Hmm... right, that could be it. She said she read sadist novels, but who gets that immersed in a novel?
"After leaving home, the thought that I couldn't even do that made me so sad... Until now, I thought I was a person without much sexual desire because Master was always the one to suggest sex first. But after actually living apart... I felt like I was going crazy. My legs kept feeling hot, and when I calmed down a bit, my head was filled with strange thoughts... I even thought about drinking and going to a club."
When he asked why she didn't go,
"...I'm scared of other men."
"...?"
"The very idea of another man's touch is so terrifying it gives me goosebumps. Only you. I only like it when Master touches me warmly. ....That's why I was scared at the hotel, too. Because it wasn't the Suhyun I knew, it felt like a different Suhyun... The scent was the same, and the body was the same... but because the feeling was of a completely different person, I was so scared I couldn't even talk to you. That's how it was."
So that's why she was a different person when she drank.
"Yes, but still... I can feel it."
"Feel what?"
"That Master isn't trying to hurt me. It's just... I'm just feeling that there's a way of having sex like that. Other men don't know, right? The feeling that this person might accidentally kill me if they're not careful... don't you get that feeling?"
"...I think that's because you haven't met anyone else."
However, Jia cut him off, leaning her head forward slightly.
"Even so, I won't meet other men."
"...Uh, well, I'm not forcing you."
"I'd rather live as Master's maid. I'd rather die than have some stranger clinging to me. ....I really, really would die."
It was a bit scary. So he quickly looked at Jia and said,
"I get it. I get it, so don't act like someone with a terminal illness."
"...Yes, I'm sorry if you disliked it. But I really think I'd rather die than meet another man. I'm serious."
"Right. I know. That's enough now."
Then, Jia started talking about something else. That she had been contacted by her parents while she was out of the house, and that they had come to that apartment. His expression turned slightly pale at those words.
"Wait, then, by any chance..."
"...My parents know."
"That we divorced? How much do they know!"
"Just... that I wanted to torment Master, and that I threatened you with divorce because I wanted to hold some power in our relationship... and then my father hit me."
"He... hit you?"
No, the father-in-law who treated his daughter more preciously than gold—no, Seo Jia's father?
"...He said I was the disgrace of the family."
"....."
Oh my, good heavens. ...Well, that was Seo Jia's fault, after all. But wait, now that it's come to this, hasn't one of the problematic elements disappeared? One of the reasons Seo Jia was living in this house was because of her parents. If they had just divorced, it was certain they would have criticized him, saying they saw clearly how he took their daughter—whom they didn't want to give away—and were now returning her like a defective product. Furthermore, the fact would have been distorted and spread throughout the legal community, and Doowon's image would surely have hit rock bottom. Explanations wouldn't have worked. But—
"...You told them the truth?"
"Yes, I did."
"....Oh my, hmm..."
It meant that such rumors wouldn't be able to spread. However,
"...Master, I'm smart and quick-witted. I know exactly what you're thinking. You're thinking you can... kick me out."
She had caught him.
"But, couldn't you give me a chance? Nothing I said today was a lie."
"...If I'm abandoned, I feel like I'll die."
He stared at her blankly, and Jia hugged him a little tighter, whispering.
"Please... save me."