Outing
“Do you enjoy strolling through the city?”
It was an ordinary question. The timing was a little abrupt, but it was perfectly reasonable to ask. Yet—
“……”
Lana couldn’t answer right away. For her, this wasn’t something that could be summed up as simply liking or disliking it.
Lana had a good reputation. As a saintess, of course. Both within the cult and outside it. The fact that she’d already gained followers at the Academy despite having only recently arrived was proof enough.
Kind to everyone, a benevolent saintess. A perfect, merciful saintess, as if the Goddess of Mercy, Lur, had descended in the flesh. That was the evaluation people gave Lana.
But that wasn’t her true, natural self.
She never showed displeasure no matter who she faced, yet she knew the truth. She knew the kind of eyes men looked at her with, the filthy thoughts lurking behind them. Still, she pretended not to notice. She acted as though she knew nothing of such things, as if she were someone who had never encountered even a speck of the world’s filth. And she smiled. She treated everyone with kindness. She never revealed a single negative emotion. She played the part of the perfect saintess.
Why? The reason was clear.
Uncle.
Ten years ago, the man who had appeared out of nowhere and saved her—Gunter. He had rescued her and changed her life. He had shown her that the world wasn’t always terrifying, that it wasn’t only painful. He had taught her what happiness was. And in the end, he had died protecting her from the Dark Cult’s clutches.
Eight years ago, after losing Gunter, Lana made a decision. She would take revenge on the Dark Cult. She worked toward that goal, grew stronger for it. Meeting the cult had given her plan momentum, and now she stood on the verge of achieving it.
Yet Lana was already thinking beyond that goal. Completing her revenge wouldn’t mean the end of her life. Of course, that didn’t mean she longed for life either. She didn’t consider her current existence happy in the slightest. Even so, she wanted to keep living. If she threw everything away just because her present life wasn’t happy, just because she felt no desire to go on, then Gunter’s sacrifice—the life he had given to save her—would have been for nothing.
So she would live. She would become a perfect saintess whom no one could criticize. Through that, she would prove that Gunter’s sacrifice hadn’t been in vain, that his life hadn’t been wasted. That was the only way she could repay the man who was no longer in this world.
That was why she always played the perfect saintess. She never lost her smile and treated everyone with kindness. Fortunately, she had a talent for acting, and no one ever saw through her mask. Everyone believed she was the flawless saintess. It was a relief, yet it came with its own problem.
She was still human. Pretending to be someone she wasn’t, an idealized version of herself, was exhausting. And when she could never take a break from that performance, it was even worse. Sometimes, she needed a moment to breathe.
For Lana, that moment of respite was her city outings. Every so often, she would slip into the city and quietly watch the scenery, observe people living their lives. The sight of people laughing and crying as they went about their days was beautiful in itself, but that wasn’t the only reason she came. These scenes reminded her of someone.
Uncle.
The benefactor who had changed her life. The man who had ultimately sacrificed himself to save them. Whenever she saw such peaceful sights, Lana always thought of him. Whenever she witnessed the quiet happiness of people living their ordinary lives, she found herself thinking, without meaning to, that she too had once known such happiness.
Eight years ago, in the forest, when they had all lived together. Those happy days that still brought a gentle smile to her lips just thinking about them.
Humans forget. No matter how precious the memory, no matter how vivid, time dulls it, fades it away. Lana was no exception. Even those incomparably happy memories had grown fainter, little by little, over the course of eight years. She didn’t want that. She didn’t want to forget Gunter, or the time they had spent together. So she would come out to the city like this sometimes, watch the people, and remember him. Remembering those happy days, she would smile softly.
But these moments didn’t only bring her happiness. The more she recalled his existence, the harder it became to ignore the cold truth that came with it. The truth that she could never see Gunter again.
I miss you, Uncle……
That was why the sweet, nostalgic aftertaste of happiness always ended in an inescapable bitterness and sorrow. That was why this respite couldn’t be defined by any single emotion.
But that was all internal. It was something she could never tell anyone. So for now, she would just give a positive answer. She would say she liked it and leave it at that. With that thought, Lana opened her mouth.
“…I’m not sure.”
She was startled. Her mouth had moved against her will.
Why? Why had she blurted out her true feelings? Why had the act slipped at this moment? Shocked by the realization, Lana quickly changed the subject.
“Well then, shall we continue our walk?”
The man looked like he was thinking something over, but thankfully, he didn’t press her. Relieved that she’d managed to get through the moment, Lana resumed their outing.
Time passed, and it was time to return to the Academy. By then, Lana had achieved at least one thing. She still didn’t know much about the man—it had been too short a time for that. But she had learned one thing.
He doesn’t seem like a bad person……
He didn’t seem to be the terrible person the rumors claimed. She couldn’t be certain yet, but the fact that Julia had allowed him close suggested he probably wasn’t truly bad. That was enough. Lana felt a sense of relief.
Just as she was about to head back to the Academy, having accomplished her goal, something unexpected happened. She saw a child trip and fall in the street. The fall was bad enough to scrape the child’s knees, and the little one burst into tears. Lana immediately approached the crying child and used her holy power to heal the wounds. After soothing the child, she watched as they safely returned home.
She was about to resume walking when something she never could have predicted occurred. Suddenly, the man reached out and patted her head.
Huh……?
Lana was utterly shocked by the abrupt gesture. Of course, the fact that she hadn’t seen it coming at all contributed to her surprise. But what truly startled her was her own reaction.
Though she appeared kind to everyone, that didn’t mean she allowed just anyone to touch her. In truth, despite her friendly demeanor, she permitted no physical contact from others. It didn’t matter if they were male or female. She allowed no one to touch her body. Not even Anne. The other two saintesses, Julia and Alice, were exceptions, but aside from them, she essentially rejected all physical contact from others—except when absolutely necessary.
There was a reason for that too. She felt an intense aversion to physical contact with others. She didn’t even know why. It had simply become that way at some point. But the reason didn’t matter. She didn’t dwell on it. Instead of questioning the cause, Lana chose to stay true to her feelings. After all, the position of saintess wasn’t one that easily allowed others to touch her. Yet that didn’t stop people from trying. Perhaps because she was always so kind and approachable, some occasionally attempted to make contact, whether out of misunderstanding or otherwise. Each time, she naturally avoided it. It wasn’t difficult. Her senses had reached an extreme in a different way from Julia’s, and her body reacted instinctively to anything she perceived as a threat or something she found repulsive. Thanks to that, she had been able to reject everyone’s touch, even while constantly surrounded by people.
Yet now, she was being patted on the head. By a man she had only just met.
What……?
This was bewildering, even to Lana herself. No, it was something she couldn’t help but be bewildered by.
Why……? Why had she stayed still until he patted her head? Why hadn’t she avoided his hand? More than that—why didn’t she feel any aversion right now……?
Countless questions swirled through her mind. Lana couldn’t gather her thoughts. Meanwhile, the man apologized. He said his hand had moved on its own. It was an absurd excuse. Even so—
“Ah, no. That… can happen, I suppose.”
Lana couldn’t bring herself to object. “W-well then, shall we head back?”
Normally, she would have been angry—perhaps even punished him—for touching her without permission. Instead, all she could think about was getting away. And so, their walk back to the Academy resumed, filled with an oddly awkward silence.
As she walked toward the Academy without thinking, her mind still in disarray, Lana thought to herself.
……Strange.
It was strange. The man was strange. The situation was strange. And she herself was strange. But her thoughts couldn’t go any further. Her mind was too muddled to continue thinking, too unsettled to regain her composure. In the end, she never managed to collect herself. Not even after returning to the Academy, not even after parting ways with the man and heading back to her room.