I Decided to Stop Being Her Fake Boyfriend (2)
"……."
"We were never a real contract, were we."
Han Yuna's words settled quietly on the rooftop.
I couldn't say anything for a long time.
It wasn't wrong.
From the beginning, we weren't real lovers.
It had been a fake relationship from the start, started to pull annoying guys away from Han Yuna.
The only thing that became real in that relationship was me.
"……Yeah."
Finally managing to speak, Yuna looked at me cautiously.
"Thank you for understanding."
"Instead, I have one question."
"What?"
I looked at the black bracelet on Yuna's wrist.
There was an identical one on my wrist too.
It was the item we had matched when we started our fake relationship in middle school, second year.
And it was the item we had agreed to return to each other on the day this relationship ended.
"How long did you plan to keep this relationship going?"
"How long?"
"Since we're in the same school now, we can meet every day and watch movies on weekends."
But could we keep doing that in the future?
After graduating high school.
Going to different universities.
Starting to meet new people each of us.
"Do you think we could keep doing this even after going to university?"
Yuna didn't answer immediately.
"That's... we can think about it when the time comes."
"When the time comes?"
"There's no need to worry about it from now on."
"What if you end up liking someone?"
"……"
"Then you'll tell me to stop then?"
Yuna's expression gradually hardened.
I didn't press for an answer.
After all, I had a pretty good idea what she'd say.
To Yuna, I was the most convenient person to have by her side until a real boyfriend appeared.
"I don't know if such a person will appear or not."
"If it does?"
"Why do you keep asking that?"
Frustration seeped into Yuna's voice.
"I don't have any other guy I'm seeing right now besides you."
"……"
"I just want to keep things like this."
"Even though you know I like you?"
"Maybe it will be fine after some time."
At those words, an involuntary chuckle escaped me.
"You're going to wait until my heart disappears?"
"It's not like that... "
"Then what do you mean?"
Yuna fell silent.
I waited for her answer and slowly asked,
"So you're saying I should keep giving you my heart?"
"...Jun."
"Even if you might not like me."
For years, I had done everything a boyfriend would do for Yuna.
Waiting for her in front of her house every morning.
Carrying an umbrella to the academy on rainy days.
Buying medicine even late at night when Yuna was sick.
Remembering birthdays and anniversaries.
Without hesitation, holding Yuna's hand in front of other guys.
Of course, it started as a fake relationship.
And even if Yuna never forced me to have those feelings.
In the end, we thought we could both become sincere.
"Yeah. Of course it was a fake relationship."
"……"
"It was also my mistake for thinking that."
I smiled bitterly.
"But even knowing that I like you, you're not saying we should keep living like this."
"Why not?"
Yuna was the first to interrupt me.
"Because you like me, do we suddenly have to become strangers?"
"I'm not saying we have to become strangers."
"If we stop going to school together and stop meeting on weekends, that would mean becoming strangers...!"
"Then what about me?"
"What?"
"I have to keep pretending to be completely indifferent next to you?"
Even if someday Yuna starts liking another guy.
Smiling and cheering him on.
Until handing him over to that guy.
I have to remain a fake boyfriend.
"You want me to do that, don't you?"
"I just don't like the idea of us changing."
"So?"
My voice trembled.
I didn't know if it was anger or hurt that I couldn't tell.
"That's good for you."
Yuna didn't lose me.
She could contact me whenever she wanted.
Meet like a date on weekends.
Bring me out as a boyfriend when an annoying guy approached.
In exchange, she didn't take any responsibility for my feelings.
"Isn't that too selfish?"
Yuna's face hardened.
"Why are you saying that to me?"
"I was wrong?"
"I care about you too."
"But I don't want to date."
"That's different from this."
"What's different?"
"You can care without dating."
Yuna stepped closer to me, looking frustrated.
"I want you to keep being by my side."
At those words, the last thing remaining inside me snapped.
—Thud.
While rejecting my confession.
Knowing what my feelings were.
Still asking me to stay by her side so she wouldn't feel lonely.
"I like this."
Yuna said stubbornly.
"There was no problem until now. So why mess everything up and just keep living like before?"
"……"
"...Jun."
Yuna seemed to believe I could really do that.
Even after I struggled for a few days, waiting for me in front of her house again.
Pouring strawberry milk as usual.
Sitting next to me in the movie theater on weekends.
Thinking that was natural.
I took off the black bracelet on my wrist.
And held it out in front of Yuna.
"What are you doing?"
"Let's end the contract."
Yuna's eyes widened in shock.
"Wait a minute. Why all of a sudden?"
"It wasn't all of a sudden."
"Put the bracelet back on."
"I don't want to."
"Jun."
Yuna grabbed my wrist urgently.
"Put this back on. We can just go back to how we were."
I stared at the wrist I was holding for a while.
I tried to endure until the end.
She was my childhood friend of 12 years.
The person I had liked for a long time.
But the emotions that had accumulated until now surged to the point where I couldn't swallow them anymore.
I slowly pulled my hand away from Yuna's.
"Yuna, you really... "
Yuna looked at me with anxious eyes.
"You're an egoistic woman."
Yuna's face remained hardened.
Although the hurt expression was in her eyes, I didn't feel like apologizing.
If I apologized now, she'd think I'd back down again.
I placed the bracelet at Yuna's feet.
"If you need a boyfriend in the future, ask someone else."
"...What?"
"I won't do this anymore."
I turned and headed toward the rooftop door.
Before I could take even a few steps, I heard hurried footsteps running behind me.
"Wait a second, Jun!"
Yuna grabbed my arm.
"You're angry right now. Calm down first and talk again."
"Let go."
"I don't want to."
Yuna held my arm with both hands, as if afraid I'd slip away.
"You're excited today. If you calm down a little... "
"What changes if I calm down?"
"That's... we can talk again tomorrow."
Yuna seemed to think that if I calmed down, I'd come back the next day.
Like always, I'd back down first.
And the incident today would eventually be forgotten.
I slowly pulled my hand away from Yuna's.
"You still think tomorrow exists."
"...Jun."
"I won't come looking for you in the morning tomorrow either."
Yuna's expression hardened for a moment.
But it seemed she thought that too was just a spur-of-the-moment remark.
"...Okay. I'll just go today."
Yuna let go of my arm, trying to soothe me.
"Instead, I'm not going to end it like this."
"What?"
"Our relationship."
Yuna picked up the bracelet that had fallen on the ground.
"Just because you suddenly say to end it doesn't mean all the things that happened until now disappear."
I stared at Yuna silently for a moment.
Surprisingly, I wasn't angry anymore.
Instead, I felt my remaining heart slowly cooling.
"You're really only thinking about yourself until the end, aren't you?"
"...What?"
"I don't want to date for real."
Yuna clenched the bracelet in her hand.
"But I also don't want you to disappear from my side."
"That's not what I mean."
"Then what do you mean?"
"I just... "
Yuna couldn't continue easily.
"I don't want to do for someone else what I've been doing for you until now... "
I didn't even laugh.
"So you don't want to have me but it's stingy to give me to others."
"No."
"Everything you're saying now is that."
Yuna's lips pressed tightly shut.
"But I'm not giving up."
"If you don't give up, what changes?"
"If you don't come tomorrow, I'll come find you."
I looked at the bracelet Yuna was holding once.
"Do as you wish."
"...Jun."
"The fake relationship is now yours alone."
I turned my body as is.
"I won't be part of it anymore."
A voice calling me from behind was heard, but as I opened the rooftop door and left first, the voice that had continued a few times cut off somewhere while going down the stairs.
***
After leaving the school, I walked alone on the familiar path.
Normally, Yuna would have been by my side at that time.
Complaining today was tough.
Or asking about the necklace I saw earlier.
She would have clung to my arm, endlessly talking about nothing in particular.
Now, the seat next to me was empty.
When I stopped at the traffic light, I unconsciously looked to the right.
No one there.
The place where I could always reach out and touch.
Han Yuna was gone.
Only then did everything feel real.
From tomorrow, I wouldn't have to wait in front of Yuna's house every morning.
I wouldn't need to stop by the convenience store to grab strawberry milk.
Nor would I need to watch movies or take photos on weekends.
It was something I had ended.
Clearly, it was a relationship I had ended because I wanted to.
'It should definitely be a good thing...'
But strangely, I wasn't relieved at all.
Instead, I felt my heart in the center completely hollow.
'It's really over.'
When the traffic light turned green and I tried to take a step, my legs didn't have strength.
I eventually entered the inner part of the empty alley and leaned my back against the wall.
Even taking a deep breath, my chest didn't expand properly.
The person I had liked for years.
The person I thought would become a real lover someday.
But to Yuna, I was just a fake boyfriend until the end, and that fact scraped at my chest.
—Drip.
As I lowered my head, a single tear fell to the ground.
I hurriedly rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand.
"...Shit."
I tried to hold it back.
Once a tear flowed, I didn't think of stopping it.
In the end, I sat down and hugged my knees.
So in the empty alley.
Biting my lips so no sound would escape.
I cried for a long time.
Really for a long time.