It's Common Sense for a Golem to Have a Pussy
After receiving the key from Master, I set off on my journey alone.
At the end of the road lay a dilapidated ruin tucked deep in the mountains—one look was enough to tell it had been abandoned for well over a century. I knew Master was a demon several centuries old, of course, but seeing it with my own eyes made the relentless passage of time feel downright cruel. Still, having a frame to build upon was better than starting from scratch.
I slid the key Master had given me into the groove beside the firmly shut dungeon entrance. Reacting instantly, the doors parted to the left and right, laying bare the dark, damp interior. A thick stench of dust hung in the air, moisture clung to the stone, and potholes pitted the floor here and there. Haa, if the entrance is in this sorry a state, just cleaning the place up is going to be a nightmare.
Even so, judging by the imposing presence radiating from the threshold, the overall dungeon seemed to be at least mid-tier in scale. For a novice like me, real estate of this caliber was something money couldn't buy. Deciding to count that as a blessing, I took a step forward to survey the internal layout.
Then came a click.
The stone beneath my foot sank slightly. The moment I felt it, my instincts screamed.
Fuck. A trap.
Thwip-thwip-thwip!
A volley of arrows fired from the side wall, grazing my cheek and the hem of my clothes. If I had ducked even a fraction of a second later, I would have been a dead man on the spot. Welcomed so brutally right off the bat, I dropped both hands to the floor just in case and cast a trap detection spell.
"...Well, well. Look at this."
The entire place was a damn minefield. At this rate, no one could set foot inside unless they were the architect themselves or possessed high-grade detection magic. For someone who drilled into me that traps should be subtle and that more isn't necessarily better, wasn't this a remarkably amateurish design?
"Well, I guess even Master had her rookie days. Hup!"
Carefully evading the traps revealed by my detection magic, I pressed onward step by step. Nearly every patch of floor was smothered in triggers; after a while, I could easily anticipate that every new corridor would be just as packed. Master would probably blush with shame if she looked back on her younger self. She constantly lectured me that traps ought to be kept few in number to remain unpredictable, firing only at the decisive moment to maximize their destructive payoff—perhaps that wisdom had been forged from this very folly.
Still, sheer quantity aside, the mechanical structure and lethal force of the mechanisms weren't low-grade by any means, even if they were dated. The fact that most of them functioned flawlessly after more than a century meant their foundational design was rock solid.
The real problem, though... was that the traps were far too robust and lethal. Step on one blindly, and your death was practically guaranteed.
Arrow traps aimed squarely at the head and heart, poison-coated blades, crushing walls closing in without an inch of escape, bottomless pit traps... Every single trap was specialized solely in killing people. If an intruder got caught in one of these, they would be dead long before any Negative Energy could be extracted from them. After all, the goal of the Demon King's Army was to keep victims alive as long as possible while milking dense fear and anguish. Naturally, traps focused purely on outright slaughter were utterly useless in their current state. Which meant the entire defense system of this dungeon needed a massive overhaul.
Still, gutting and rebuilding a mid-tier dungeon all by myself when I had only just qualified as a Trap Designer... Haa, isn't this asking a bit much of a beginner?
Master must have known full well that this dungeon didn't align with the Demon King's Army's doctrine. Did she just dump a piece of junk she couldn't get rid of onto me? I was her beloved apprentice; getting back at me just because I poked around in her pussy was a bit harsh.
"Well, I can deal with the traps later, step by step... Ugh, it's been neglected for so long that the facilities are in shambles. Renovating this will take quite a while."
Let's see: how much would the estimate run to tear this place apart and rebuild it? If I rip out all the walls and floors, lay down new traps, and deploy combat units here and there...
...No, broke as I am, there's no way I can afford all that. Scratch using the whole facility from the get-go. It would be far wiser to section off an area equivalent to a low-tier dungeon, set up traps there, and gradually stockpile negative energy.
Having reached a rough conclusion, I navigated the remainder of the trap-infested path and finally stepped into the deepest sanctum of the dungeon—the chamber where the Dungeon Core was presumed to reside.
The Dungeon Core was the literal heart of any dungeon's operation. Refined from the mana of the Demon King himself, the supreme master of the Demon King's Army, it absorbed ambient magic and fed mana through connected circuits. Provided it had sufficient capacity, it could continuously power and regenerate the entire dungeon around the clock. Naturally, because of its immense value, adventurers raiding dungeons considered it a legendary treasure and their top capture objective. Given that every single trap was still operational, there was a high likelihood the Dungeon Core was still active even now.
"Let's see. Following where the trap circuits converge... it should be right here."
I arrived before a massive, thick door sealed shut. If an ordinary adventurer had made it this far, they would have had to smash through with overwhelming brute force, but I had the key Master had given me. Slipping it into the slot in the door...
Whirrr, clatter.
All right. What's the point of having a key if it can't open a locked door? Stepping through the newly opened portal, I was greeted by a luminous sphere of radiant light floating regally at the center of the chamber.
That was the Dungeon Core. The primary operating apparatus of the dungeon, forged from the Demon King's mana.
"To think it's been powering this entire dungeon for over a hundred years. No matter how many times I see it, the creations of the Demon King never cease to amaze."
No wonder every member of the Demon King's Army worshipped him fanatically and competed tooth and nail for favor. It felt miraculous that such a precious artifact had remained undisturbed for so long, though... well, considering the sheer density of traps outside, any ordinary adventurer would have fled in terror long before reaching this room. Regardless, from this moment on, I would be able to control the entire dungeon as I pleased, centered around this Core.
With that in mind, I moved to imprint my existence onto the Core using Master's key—until my eyes caught sight of something resting right in front of it.
It was an elongated case fitted with what looked like intricate mechanisms. Sitting in the deepest, most vital heart of the dungeon, its contents weren't difficult to imagine.
"Did Master leave some treasure behind?"
What perfect timing. Remodeling this place was going to cost a fortune anyway. Humming a jaunty tune, I strolled over to the case and opened its latch. Slipping a hand into the gap, I tried to get a feel for the treasure first.
Yet what met my fingertips was something distinctly soft and squishy.
"Huh? What is this?"
Puzzled by a suppleness and elasticity that felt remarkably like a pair of water balloons, I pushed the half-open lid the rest of the way up to check inside.
And there she was.
Sleeping peacefully inside the case was a stunningly gorgeous woman dressed in a maid uniform.
"A woman?"
No, looking closer, she wasn't an ordinary human woman. Her skin was unnaturally alabaster, and the joints visible between the seams of her clothing had an unmistakably mechanical look. Evidently artificial in construction, she was the sort of laborer that frequently appeared throughout dungeons run by the Demon King's Army.
"A golem, huh."
A general handyman powered by the Dungeon Core. Finding out it was shaped like a woman was surprising enough, but the longer I looked, the more I noticed her exquisite features and voluptuous figure—it hit all the right notes for my tastes. Let's see what we have downstairs.
"Oh. Commando."
Even though she's a golem, she's got all the necessary equipment. Honestly, Master, leaving such a magnificent gift for your disciple...
Creeeak, clank.
My inspection beneath her skirt was cut short. The golem's body suddenly began to twitch and stir. An instinctual wave of alarm surged through me, and my legs scrambled backward in a hurry. What the? Did touching her trip some kind of trigger?
CRASH!
No, this went way beyond a simple trigger. The moment she activated, the golem shattered the container she had been sleeping in and rose to her feet. Without bothering to brush off the debris clinging to her, her sharp gaze locked dead onto me.
A venomous, murderous chill oozed from her stare. Worse yet, an emotionless, hostile voice spilled from her lips:
"Approach... de-tec-ted... Target... unauthorized intruder..."
"Uh, um. Excuse me, miss? Can you hear me?"
"Standing order from Dungeon Master, Lady Isabella... Total elimination of all intruders, excluding herself..."
"Wait, hold on! I'm Lady Isabella's appren—"
BOOM!
A violent blast of mana erupted from her palm, blowing a massive crater into the stone wall. Realizing right then and there that she possessed terrifying firepower, I watched as the light in her eyes flared, a tempestuous aura billowing around her as she unleashed pure hostility.
"In accordance with Lady Isabella's directive... Defending the Dungeon Core. Engaging defensive combat mode."
"Commencing complete elimination of intruder..."
Ah, shit. If I'd known this would happen, I would've had more sex with Master before leaving.