Chapter 53
Chapter 53
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Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 53
Chapter Title: The Saint's Inner Voice
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It felt like I was having a very long dream.
The dream of my parents dying before my eyes, the regrets and despair from the past—instead of fading as I grew older, they were only becoming more vivid.
“Astal, you must survive.”
“Astal, I’m sorry we couldn’t properly celebrate your tenth birthday.”
The beloved voices seemed to bore into my ears, and at those sounds, my heart ached as if someone was gripping it, trying to crush it.
This was already the 143rd death. Just how many times did I have to kill myself to wake up from this damn dream?
Originally, the way to escape the Succubus Queen’s illusionary dream was to realize the disparity with reality and commit suicide to break out of the dream.
But in the past, my mana core was overloaded and I couldn’t use magic, so I had to roll on the ground to find a blade and stab my own throat.
The cold, sharp sensation of metal in my hand, followed by the feeling of hot, gushing blood and burning pain that filled my head.
Even with an adult’s memories and emotions, a child’s hands and heart were too fragile to end their own life.
It wasn’t the magic that minimized the pain of suicide; the act of stabbing my own throat with my own strength was too horrifying.
Because the previous pain kept coming back, making me hesitate to kill myself, and that hesitation only made the next suicide attempt more agonizing.
Because of this, there were countless times I wanted to give up.
It seemed better to just wander this nightmare and eventually go insane.
‘…Should I give up?’
Holding a rusty knife to my throat—a knife so dull it wouldn’t pierce with one stab, requiring twisting or multiple stabs to kill—I squeezed my eyes shut.
I didn’t know how many times I had to die to get out of this damn dream.
From the start, I joined the Demon King subjugation to die.
I thought no one would blame me even if I became Bellamora’s plaything like this.
“Astal…. Why didn’t you save Mom…?”
“My son…. It’s too cold and painful here….”
The corpses, missing their heads, slowly approaching me. The beings I once called my parents were now voicing their resentment toward me.
Even if I screamed for them to stop or to save me, no sound came out.
Because this place wasn’t real reality but a vicious nightmare, a dream within a dream adapted from my past memories.
Since I had seen the scene of my parents’ death countless times already, I felt like I was gradually losing my sanity.
And Bellamora had gone further, employing the horrifying means of reanimating corpses to move them.
‘…I don’t want to see my parents like that anymore.’
I wanted to close my eyes tightly and look away, but my parents’ voices grew even more vivid.
An unfilial son who, in reality, couldn’t even find their remains in the burned village and could only place flowers on an empty grave marker.
Did such a person even have the right to live? That thought was consuming me again.
And then, at that moment,
“Lord Astal, please hold on just a little longer.” A voice clearer than anything else reached me.
In this dream, more vivid than reality, the owner of the gentle voice that spoke as if directly into my ear was…
‘Victoria….’
Victoria Everhart, the Flower Saint, and my fake lover by contract.
Victoria’s inner thoughts were reaching me even within Bellamora’s dream within a dream, clearing my mind and waking me up.
‘…This isn’t reality. Because Victoria isn’t here.’
Hearing her voice, I steadied my heart and began my suicide attempt again to escape the dream.
No matter how painful and agonizing it was, a dream was just a dream.
Because she wasn’t here—the woman who secretly admired and liked me, yet spewed all sorts of insults and lies to hide her feelings.
“How am I supposed to live without you? I haven’t even properly said I like you yet….” “I don’t mind dying here. Even if I’m violated by monsters and cease to be a Saint, it’s fine, so please don’t give up.” Sometimes her voice sounded a little angry, other times it was a gloomy tone tinged with tears.
“Because you are more precious to me than anything.” Listening to Victoria’s inner thoughts, more strength entered the hand gripping the blade. In that moment, my resolve to protect her grew stronger than my fear of the pain.
Even though I was a fake lover and couldn’t properly play the role of a boyfriend, I knew I was receiving a love far greater than I deserved.
In the past, I failed to protect those precious to me.
So now, I could do anything to protect someone precious.
‘…Now I finally understand what this damn feeling is.’
The trembling in my hand stopped. Gritting my teeth, I used the hand gripping the blade to stab forcefully into the part of my neck where the artery runs.
Thud.
Red blood poured from my neck, soaking the floor, and my consciousness flared up as if burning. My body went limp like rotten straw, strength draining away.
An act repeated dozens, hundreds of times by now. I was just repeating the act leading to death like a machine.
‘You are precious to me too, Victoria.’
I hadn’t given up hope yet.
Because Victoria was largely the reason I had survived until now. At the very least, saving her before dying would preserve my pride as a man.
Besides, if I held on just a little longer, the contract relationship would end, right? Then I wouldn’t have to act like I was dating that troublesome woman anymore.
Finally, if Victoria ceased to be a Saint, it would be a huge loss to our combat strength. She would just become a burden to our party gathered to subjugate the Demon King.
Attaching various reasons like this, I tried to find justification for why I had to save Victoria.
‘…Am I really done for? How cringey.’
Thinking about it, it was such a laughable notion that a bitter smile escaped me as I repeated death.
I’m someone who shouldn’t be alive.
It was just too absurd that Victoria had fallen in love with a bastard like me.
Look, even now, the corpses of my parents, crawling and asking why I killed them, are right before my eyes.
They didn’t say it to me, but if their inner thoughts were heard like hers, they would have resented me.
No matter how much they sacrificed for their child, no one would want the pain of having their head ripped off while alive or the sight of their neck being severed.
Having attempted suicide countless times, I understood it with my body, not just my head. No human in this world could willingly endure such pain.
Biting my lip with my teeth, I repeated the act of stabbing my throat with the hand gripping the blade.
Thud, thud, thud.
Thud—.
As red blood splattered before my eyes countless times, I could feel my sanity gradually wearing away.
That’s the kind of person I am.
A despicable survivor who failed to protect everyone I held dear, living on over their corpses.
Even when I tried to exhale, all I felt was the scorching heat of the fire scene that seemed to burn my body and the choking ash and smoke that made me cough.
I didn’t want to see people die before my eyes anymore.
I hated failing to protect those precious to me.
And the place I ran away to was here.
“Disappear. You are not Lord Astal’s real parents…!!” Victoria was straining herself to save someone like me.
‘…Maybe a woman like this is my ideal type now.’
Not an older sister with tolerance, but a younger Saint who becomes a reliable, warm support.
I often thought I really hated her attitude of insulting and looking down on me, but thinking about it now, maybe that kind of woman was quite to my taste.
Thinking of her, I felt like having a cigarette and a drink for the first time in a while. I couldn’t understand the emotion that drove her to try and save this trash, and a headache was coming on.
‘Actually, the thought that I want to die right now, in reality, keeps swirling in my mind….’
Repeating the suicide attempts countless times, my rationality was gradually becoming paralyzed. The thought that it would be better to just die for real welled up from deep within my heart.
I could have already given up and volunteered to become Bellamora’s lover.
I also thought about secretly leaving the party and killing myself, keeping it a secret from Victoria and my comrades.
But,
‘…At the very least, I should save you before I die.’
I forced a bitter smile, changed my thoughts, and didn’t stop the hand continuing the suicide attempt.
If there was any light in this pain, it would be you—I ended up thinking that.
The person precious to me.
The person I hate to see hurt or die even more.
The person who has now grown so large in my heart that I think of them even with my eyes closed.
‘Even if it’s fake, right now I am Victoria’s lover.’
It was embarrassing and shameful to put a name to this feeling, so I chose to express it euphemistically.
◇◇◇◆◇◇◇ The Hero Kyle and his comrades began rushing toward the movie theater where Astal and Victoria were.
All the illusionary dreams were shattering; the decorations and buildings that had densely adorned the estate were losing their light and disappearing.
Seeing that sight, Kyle was certain something had happened to Astal.
There was no way Bellamora, one of the Demon King’s Four Heavenly Kings, would offer no resistance while her estate crumbled like this.
“Get on quickly! The Wind Spirit King will take us to where Astal is!”
Saying that, Anima immediately summoned a spirit, laid down a tailwind on the path to the theater, and began moving swiftly, carrying the other comrades.
Although Anima had always been suspicious of Victoria and Astal’s relationship and meddled in their affairs, right now she hoped more than anything that the two were unharmed.
“Thank you, Anima.”
Kyle bowed his head toward the Spirit Mage in gratitude. Originally, in an illusionary dream, every minute and second was critical for the person trapped within.
Finally arriving at the theater, Kyle’s party witnessed…
“…Oh my, have the cute little mice arrived?”
Bellamora, with a large hole in her chest where her heart should be and one arm missing, laughing grotesquely, and…
“Please, please…. Wake up…. Astal….”
The sight of Victoria, hugging the unconscious Astal, sobbing and shedding tears.