A Buy-One-Get-Two-Free Nightmare

How on earth did a buy-one-get-one-free deal turn into this?

Sitting in my newly assigned office, I sank deep into thought. I was dead serious right now. Three ornate nameplates sat neatly in a row before me. Staring at them, I realized with absolute certainty: I should have rejected her offer back then.

I don't know how my attempts to downplay my achievements got twisted, but I had somehow won her absolute trust. On top of that... it seemed she had thoroughly investigated me. The bait she threw based on that investigation must have been these very positions.

She was probably convinced that with a reward like Special Advisor to the Royal Religious Strategic Planning Office, there was no way I could resist.

Why would someone who went so far as to demand the creation of a 'Theology Department' in the military ever reject an offer that would spread the word of Ifrit even further? It wouldn't make any sense. I wanted to refuse. I really did. But the problem was that the moment I refused, the persona of the 'mysterious Eastern prophet' I had painstakingly built would crumble. And once that facade was stripped away, no amount of mystery would be left to protect me.

Even setting aside the fact that this kingdom was doomed to fall in the near future, she was currently the most noble and exalted existence in this land. Of course, I had heard the rumors that she was merely the King's second consort, a tragic figure neglected for years. But such trivia was meaningless now. She was currently in a position where a single word from her could alter a person's destiny forever.

And that very woman, with a face full of absolute conviction, had looked at me and basically said, "You're a religious fanatic, aren't you? Here, take this."

What was I supposed to say to that? "Ahaha, I think you've got the wrong idea. Actually, I'm an incredibly secular guy, so could you just give me some cold, hard cash instead?"

If I had said that, my life would have been rejected long before my words were. Even seeking asylum requires you to be alive. In the end, swallowing my tears, I accepted the appointments.

Since the full name was the 'New Weather Forecasting, Rainfall Observation, and Academic Analysis Strategy Department', I would simply refer to it as the Theology Department. I was currently skimming through the documents delivered to my office one by one. I wasn't sure if I should be happy about this, but with the title of 'Chief Priest' combined with my position on the State Advisory Council, all kinds of intelligence from across the kingdom began flooding onto my desk. Among them was a report on the treatment of the Zenith Kingdom prisoners, which had been settled a few days ago.

Honestly, it was a bit unexpected. At first, I had assumed they would execute all the prisoners. The fact that the enemy's Grand General, Bardomir, was of royal blood didn't mean much—after all, Elium had plenty of dead royals of its own. Furthermore, the current Queen had lost her husband in the war. Yet, she had set aside her revenge and chosen negotiation. The reason was simple: [War Unsustainable].

The granaries were already burned, the roads were cut off by the war, and the warehouses were completely empty. Livestock had dwindled, warhorses were starving to death, and there were even rumors that soldiers were secretly roasting and eating dead horses. While the Zenith Kingdom had lost wealth, their homeland remained intact; they could recover at any time. On the other hand, the Elium Kingdom was left with nothing but devastated territory.

That night, after the audience ended and I arrived at my assigned room, I ran countless calculations while reading the documents and reached a conclusion. This was a half-baked victory. Over the past few days, I had realized something to my very bones—to the point where, rather than asking 'Why is the Elium Kingdom ruined?', I found myself asking, 'How on earth has it not collapsed yet?' The more I looked, the more hopeless it seemed.

The finances were bankrupt, and there was a massive brain drain. The kingdom's intellectuals and capitalists, already convinced of their defeat, had fled abroad long ago. The only ones left in this country were the commoners and a handful of nobles. If I could, I would have gladly followed those capable predecessors who had already succeeded in their "exile." But the problem was the titles I held. Having just one of them would make an enemy nation contemplate whether to keep me alive or dead, and I was currently holding three such positions. If I were the enemy, I would definitely choose myself as the prime target for a public execution. So, I revised my plan. I didn't want to die. If so, I had to start by delaying ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the kingdom's demise.

I said all that, but in truth, I had no intention of moving immediately. After all, the war was over. And usually, positions like these only required hard work during wartime; there was barely anything to do during peacetime. Since I had obtained this power anyway, why not slack off a bit? I began planning for the future. It wouldn't be a bad idea to use my modern knowledge to revive the economy. I could just casually drop concepts like 'Adam Smith' or 'free market economy' and let my subordinates handle the actual work. Meanwhile, I would just reap all the sweet, sweet benefits—

...Just as I was sitting comfortably in the Theology Department office, mapping out my lazy future, urgent footsteps echoed down the hallway.

*Knock, knock.*

"Prophet! Are you inside?!"

"...Come in."

Slam!

The door burst open, and a soldier gasped for breath as he spoke.

"U-Urgent dispatch...! The Franz Kingdom has just issued a formal declaration of war against the Elium Kingdom! The war is set to begin... in one month!"

...My brain short-circuited for a moment. War...? Now?

Realizing the soldier was still standing in the room, I slowly turned my gaze toward him.

"Is there... anything else you have to say?"

"Well..."

His face was filled with hesitation. My eyebrow twitched. I had a terrible feeling about this. Please, tell me it's not what I think. A single war was already pushing the Elium Kingdom to the brink of collapse.

"...There are also signs of rebellion."

They really were pulling out all the stops.

"...Which region?"

It was still fine. If it was just a simple rebellion, it could be suppressed. For now.

"Well... there are too many to specify... The revolutionary armies, Red Fox and Blue Mon... and besides them, there are over five other locations we've identified so far."

To hell with the economy. Planning for the future? Hahaha. It's war. Again. And my department was the one with the most work during wartime.

I quietly unfurled my fan to cover my face, trying to process the reality staring me in the face.

It was pitch black. Was giving up on exile really the right choice? Could I... perhaps change my mind again?

The Elium Kingdom is a ruined nation. Let me repeat that. The Elium Kingdom is a ruined nation. Why did I say it twice? For emphasis. Right now, I was buried under a mountain of paperwork.

"Lord Doyunes! The processing of the disbursement certificates—"

"Leave it there."

"Lord Doyunes! The Merchants' Association regarding the skyrocketing market prices—"

"That too. Next to that pile. Just throw it down."

...My hands couldn't stop moving. Where was I? Ah. The Elium Kingdom is a ruined nation. Economy, politics, military—it was lagging behind in every single category with perfect, balanced consistency. There were even red tides of rebellion squirming all over the place.

But that didn't mean it had completely collapsed yet. It hadn't fallen. But was it hopeful? No. Anyone who called this hopeful must have been shot in the head.

This was like carrying a bag with a fragile crumbly cookie inside all day, throwing it onto your bed when you got home, opening it up, and expecting the cookie to be perfectly intact.

I took a long, deep breath.

"...Pass these documents to the administration. Not the reports, yes, the ones next to them. And tell the Ministry of Finance to scrape together whatever we can sell! Just everything. If that doesn't work, tell them to take out foreign loans!"

Let's think positively. It was true that we were on a downward slope, but we hadn't hit rock bottom yet, right? ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Doesn't that mean the only way left is up? After all, there was that beautiful law of nature created by our ancestors: war is always paid for on credit.

Fortunately, the rebellions were still only showing signs. It wasn't because the people's livelihoods were good. You know the typical propaganda revolutionary armies use? Things like, "Those ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠bastards living in the palace are warm and well-fed, unlike you!" or "They eat meat every day and drink champagne like water!"

That kind of talk didn't work in Elium. Why? Because it lacked any realism. The commoners weren't fools. They knew the Elium Kingdom was dirt poor. Everyone from the very top to the absolute bottom was equally impoverished, to the point where claiming someone was 'living well' could get you arrested for spreading false rumors.

After all... everyone was eating nothing but grass. Even the Queen. The Queen, who had spoken to me with such pride and confidence, had lowered her head in embarrassment at the banquet. And with good reason. Let's look at the menu from that banquet: vegetable meatballs, vegetable pie, vegetable lasagna, stir-fried vegetables, steamed vegetables, vegetable fried rice... For a moment, I thought I had walked into the wrong banquet hall. I soon realized I hadn't, though. In the first place, there was only one banquet hall in the palace. It was the first time in my life I had ever seen so many dishes made entirely of vegetables. Unless she was a pure-blooded vegan who broke out in hives at the mere sight of someone else eating meat, this made no sense.

You might wonder, 'Didn't they make money by returning the prisoners? Why are they so destitute?'

"Send this to the General Affairs Department for payment processing."

Looking at the documents, the funds that came in this time went to two places. One was the reward money for those who achieved results. This was money that could absolutely not be touched. Touch it, and the country would turn upside down. Aside from that, the vast majority was used to pay off foreign debts. War wasn't free, after all. Still, thanks to this victory, Elium's countdown to destruction had been extended from one minute to about an hour.

The real problem was food. Although it had poured rain around the Rhine River, not a single drop had fallen in any other region. Picking up a leaf that had drifted in through the window, it crumbled to dust between my fingers. I could tell just how long it had been deprived of moisture. A prolonged harvest failure. Accumulated, festering discontent. And anger spreading everywhere. I had only set foot in this country a few days ago, but I now understood to my very bones why it was going to ruin.

So, what did I have to do? I had to gather the scattered people, secure food for them to eat, stand strong against foreign enemies and defeat them, and at the same time, completely suppress internal rebellions to prevent any disruption from behind. If I failed at even one of these tasks, I would either be hanged by the revolutionaries or sent to the guillotine by the enemy. This was absolute hardcore Korean mode difficulty. Was it even possible to clear this...? It seemed utterly hopeless. This wasn't a movie. Realistically...

...A movie?

I slowly tapped ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠my fingers on the desk for a while.

Hmm... If things go well... No, if things go really well, it