Elephant Trunk Soccer Dart Game? We’re Just Going to Paraglide Instead
"I'll explain the rules of the elephant trunk soccer dart game. First, you each have to run around the elephant trunk in place ten times."
"No way, if this drags on, Hyung Seok-jin is gonna collapse!"
"Kwan-soo, that's nothing. Not even a drop in the bucket."
"After you finish the rotations, you grab the prepared ball and kick it into all ten trash cans placed in front of you."
"Whoa, how are you supposed to even get it in when you can't even stand still? Like, seriously!"
At Jeongguk's words, Jaeseung turned to PD and demanded, "This time it's too much! Even walking ten times around is already hard on me—cut me some slack."
"Then how about you wear the blindfold again?"
"Heh... the elephant trunk might actually be better. What do you kids think?"
'Yeah, definitely better than the blindfold. Blindfolded, I can't see anything at all—how am I supposed to aim for the trash cans? Even I can't pull that off.'
PD continued explaining, "Each of you gets one chance. Once you score, you can keep going."
'Oh, this sounds doable. This mission might actually work.'
But if I manage to score all ten...
PD added immediately, "Of course, you'll still have to run another lap around the elephant trunk."
Haha. I had forgotten for a second. These psycho PDs wouldn't just give me an extra chance.
"First, let's set up the trash cans."
Before the PD finished speaking, the staff swarmed in like a pack of hyenas, slamming trash cans down every few meters—two each at 5m, 7m, 10m, 12m, and 15m.
"Practice time is one hour. If you fail this mission, since it's a 1v1 situation, you'll have to take a penalty."
"Yeah, what kind of penalty? It's all mountain around here anyway."
At Hee-hee's teasing remark, PD broke into a way-too-bright, almost unnerving smile.
'Oh man... when PD smiles like that, it's never a good sign.'
I was already too deep in variety-show mode.
PD looking happy usually meant the cast was suffering—that was just how variety shows worked.
"A little farther up the mountain, there's a paragliding spot."
Please, not the paragliding line too...
"If you fail the mission, you'll have to try paragliding."
"Yo, Tae-woo. I'm counting on you. I really have acrophobia, you know?"
"Kwan-soo-hyung, I'm going full Olympic mode now."
"Crap... you have acrophobia too?"
We locked eyes with each other and clung together like glue.
Fearful people just needed to glance at each other to read each other's hearts completely.
'If I fail this, my entire soccer career is on the line—I have to make this work no matter what.'
Just like I expected, the practice was brutally tough.
The first round was started by Song Ji-hee. The so-called ace of Star Mission, her soccer skills were still tiny compared to everything else she crushed on the show.
"Aaaaah—I'm dizzy!"
Ji-hee swayed like she was about to fall, unable to find her balance.
"Fuhahaha! Ji-hee, you dizzy idiot?"
"You can't even curse properly, right?"
"That hot-tempered Song Ji-hee is impossible..."
"Hahaha, sorry!"
Ji-hee laughed it off and handed the mic to Jaeseung next.
"I'm telling you, I've been training in variety shows. Nothing like this should make me dizzy at all."
As he said it, Jaeseung spun around the trunk at lightning speed and sprinted straight for the ball.
Wait, sprinting toward it?
Eh? Where are you going?
THUD!
"AAAH!"
Jaeseung didn't head for the ball at all—he charged straight into the wrong direction and face-planted.
"Fuhahaha, you're like a grasshopper!"
I walked over to Jaeseung, who was still laughing and getting up.
"Wh-why?"
"You bastard."
SLAP!
"Aaaah, stop hitting me already!"
***
One hour of practice passed.
The results?
They were, in a single word, absolute chaos.
One minute before the end
Placing the ball after ten laps and landing it dead-center in the ten trash cans placed at 5m, 7m, 10m, 12m, and 15m was already an impossible feat for even professional footballers during pure accuracy drills.
And now we had to do it while spinning around an elephant trunk? For regular variety-show celebrities, that was basically an impossible mission.
Someone would probably say, "Then just do it yourself. You were called the God of Soccer, right? Even that shouldn't be too hard."
It should be easy.
But I wasn't actually a god—I was just a human who got dizzy—so I had to be careful.
Scoring ten goals meant I had to run a ridiculous 100 laps around the elephant trunk in record time.
And looking at how it was going right now, the odds of even one making it were slim.
'Please... just three. Just three...'
I wasn't even worrying about making the shots anymore—I was worried about how many laps I could survive without puking.
"Now, let's begin."
PD's signal and Jeongguk stepped forward with his usual swagger.
"Hah... this time I'm finally breaking free of my image."
"Then start spinning."
Jeongguk began to spin.
"One... two... three... ten!"
"Please, Jeongguk-ah!"
"Jeongguk-hyung!"
As expected, the superhuman Jeongguk ran straight and true for the ball.
'Good... that's the spirit. I believe in you, Jeongguk-hyung.'
BOOM!
Ah...
There was a trash can at 200m? Why did it fly so far?
"Uh... sorry."
Jeongguk's sheepish voice came through.
'It's fine. At least one person...'
I'd thought that far.
'Please, at least one... during practice I even helped him sometimes...'
After Jeongguk failed, everyone else did too. The only ones left were me and Kwan-soo-hyung.
"Tae-woo, you believe in me, right?"
"I believe!"
I answered with full force.
Yeah, I'd take any contract, but please... just one hundred laps...
"You believe!"
Kwan-soo-hyung shouted again.
"I believe!!"
This time the entire cast joined in.
"That belief... this hyung will repay you."
And that belief ended with...
"WAAAAH!"
It all ended with me failing to even touch the ball and face-planting.
Ah...
Yeah... I have to trust someone...
Thinking about Kwan-soo-hyung's signature shooting stance made me sigh.
Hands cupped, knees bent, and that weird head-down face—there was no way a shot like that could go in cleanly.
I shook my head sadly.
'So in the end... I really have to run a hundred laps...'
"If the final player, Jung Tae-woo, fails, he will immediately return to the bus and proceed to the paragliding launch point."
PD's mocking tone made me furious.
'I was called the God of Soccer—the guy who knows football inside out, and you want me to fail this?!'
"There's no such thing as impossible for me."
"OOOOOOH!"
Every cast member cheered as I headed toward the mission site.
'Hah... spinning around an elephant trunk? That's not even a problem for me in football.'
"Beep—"
PD's voice rang out with the whistle.
"Start!"
I spun around the trunk at full speed and rocketed forward, launching the ball perfectly into the 5m trash can.
The ball followed a flawless arc and sank straight into the can.
"Nice one, Tae-woo! Let's go!"
"Fight!"
"Tae-woo, if you succeed this time, I'm really pushing you!"
With the cast's cheers, I kept scoring.
5m, 7m, 10m, 12m... eight straight goals!
Even the PDs let out cheers.
"Wow, he did all of that by himself."
"That's why we call him Jung Tae-woo all the time. He's actually insane."
Of course, my condition was anything but normal.
'Ugh... I feel like I'm gonna die.'
Even an athlete couldn't normally run eighty laps around an elephant trunk and be fine.
But giving up was worse than dying.
'Paragliding? No way in hell.'
Paragliding sounded terrifying just imagining it with my acrophobia.
I gritted through the dizziness and stared at the last two trash cans.
'Hah... I can do this.'
Taking a deep breath and steeling myself, PD's voice boomed again.
"Jung Tae-woo, ninth attempt starting now!"
'Good... just like before.'
I spun around with everything I had, ignoring the dizziness.
After the final rotation, I sprinted toward the ball at top speed.
'Nothing is impossible for me when it comes to football'
***
"Hello, everyone. You're at Haneulbong. This is the perfect spot for paragliding. We'll take the car that brought us up the mountain to the summit."
That's right.
I had failed on the ninth try.
Instead of running toward the ball like I should, I charged in completely the wrong direction just like Kwan-soo-hyung and face-planted.
One more coin gave me an extra chance, and considering my condition, Jeongguk-hyung took over, but...
'There really is a trash can at 200m? How could I aim that far off?'
"Instructor, please introduce yourself."
Following Jaeseung's lead, the instructor began.
"Hello~ I'm Lee Deok-hoon, your paragliding instructor. I'll take good care of everyone today."
"Instructor, you're from Chungcheong Province, right?"
"Oh, yes~ How did you know?"
"Your accent just has that Chungcheong flavor."
Jaeseung and the instructor's conversation flowed back and forth.
I stood there tense, listening to every word.
"Now, please board the car~"
We arrived at the summit.
Just looking down was enough to make it dizzying.
"Ah... actually seeing it is terrifying."
"Kwan-soo, that's because you're the one who can't do it. Just close your eyes and jump—it's that simple."
"Jaeseung-hyung, it's not just me. Look at Tae-woo."
"Eh? Tae-woo, why are you frozen?"
"Haha, even the perfect Tae-woo has acrophobia"
I stood there silently, unable to say a word, completely frozen.
"Now, we'll board right away."
"KYAAAAAAAH!!!"
"UWAH!!!"
"SAVE ME!!!
With screams echoing everywhere, most of the cast took off into the sky.
Only the instructor Lee Deok-hoon who had picked us up, me, and a few PDs remained on the summit.
"Jung Tae-woo, I'll put the harness on you~"
"...Ah!"
My tongue got bitten by nerves.
"...Uh, I did learn it, but it's a bit fuzzy..."
"What?"
"Just kidding~"
Lee Deok-hoon's playful smile made me freeze for a second, then I exhaled in relief.
'Yeah, trust the instructor. Just scream if it gets too much.'
p>Unlike Kwan-soo-hyung, I couldn't just walk into it casually.
The camera had already captured all my fear, but I couldn't calm down yet.
I took deep breaths, trying to steady my shaking legs.
"Ready, Jung Tae-woo?"
I nodded. No words came out.
"Good. Now, on my signal, jump off."
As instructed, I stepped closer to the edge. My heart pounded in my ears.
"One... two..."
I squeezed my eyes shut tight.
"Three!"
"UWAH—!!!"
I couldn't hold it in—the scream tore through the sky.