Irene Yuris 5
“Do you have something to say to me?”
Had I stared too openly? The moment I noticed the faint, irritated tremor in her brows, I realized my mistake. And yet the feeling I had just sensed was so impossible to ignore that I couldn’t easily tear my gaze away from her.
It left me feeling wronged and a little resentful, and the more I turned the meaning of that word over in my head, the more annoyed I became. In the end, I had no choice but to speak.
“...Yes.”
“I don’t know what it is you mean to say, but... I’ll hear you out.”
At her small clap from the table in the corner of the infirmary, Ropena opened the door and came in.
“Please bring some tea. It seems my bodyguard has something to say after all.”
“Yes, Miss.”
Miss, huh.
I was still mulling over the way Ropena addressed Irene when I noticed a glance brushing past me and turned my head.
Ropena’s eyes had gone round like a startled rabbit’s at the sight of the blood soaking through the bandages, and the sight was so absurd that I let out a small laugh. With a worried look still hanging on her face, she turned and quietly slipped away.
Irene had given her an order, so I supposed she wasn’t about to speak any further.
Still, what was I supposed to do now? The truth was, I didn’t really have anything to say to Irene. I simply hadn’t liked the idea of her disappearing like that.
Those eyes of hers, empty of any feeling at all, had felt strangely disappointing.
Drip—
I watched the red tea stream into the empty cup. Even after it was full and the surface trembled with tiny ripples, she kept the same detached expression, as if she were merely waiting for me to begin.
If only she had asked first, I would have answered something. Instead, as she sipped her tea in maddening silence, I could only let out a quiet inward sigh.
So silence stretched between Irene and me, broken only now and then by the sound of tea being sipped. The awkward atmosphere made my shoulders feel heavy all on their own.
I should have just let her go. Regret prickled through me for stopping her on a sudden impulse, and I brought the empty cup to my lips, smiling bitterly at the taste of nothing.
Clack.
When I set the cup back onto the saucer, I noticed blue eyes fixed on me from across the table.
The calm, wavering gaze reminded me of the eyes from before, as if telling me to go on and say what I meant to say. Those were the same eyes that had not so much as flinched even when assassins pointed their blades at her.
I could only wonder what sort of life she had lived. No matter how many brushes with death a person endured, fear was still a human thing in the end, and that expression of hers, as though fear itself had been cut away, could never have been normal.
And the people in this manor, who had hardly seemed affected even when they heard the words “assassination of Irene,” were just as strange. Even Ropena hadn’t looked especially shocked when she saw the assassins, so perhaps attempts like that had happened often enough for even surprise to go numb.
As I rubbed at the bitterness that had gathered on my tongue, so different from the fragrance of the tea, a voice came from in front of me.
The soft tone carried barbs sharp enough to sting my ears. It felt as if she had finally decided she would wait no longer, and the chill in her voice seemed to drain the warmth from the air around us.
“...I’m starting to wonder when you plan to speak. If your goal was to make me angry, congratulations. You’ve succeeded splendidly.”
The air had gone so cold it felt as if the heat around us had been wiped away. I shivered at the sensation crawling down the nape of my neck, as though someone had pressed ice to my skin, and then I met her eyes and finally spoke.
“I have one question.”
“A question?”
“...Are you all right?”
It was just something I said without thinking. I had only wondered whether anyone who came into this manor ever asked her that. As her bodyguard, I had spoken lightly, simply hoping she hadn’t been hurt.
And then, all at once, it felt as if the eyes staring back at me had stiffened like stone.
She froze so completely it was almost as if she had met Medusa’s gaze, and the absurdity of it left me more bewildered than anything else.
My expression must have shown my surprise, because she quickly recovered her usual face and moved her lips.
“......”
The expression I had always assumed would remain unchanged cracked in an instant.
Her mask broke, and beneath it I caught a glimpse of her startled face, enough to make my own eyes widen.
She worried at her lower lip like someone trying to decide what to say, then rose from her seat and turned away.
I had wanted her to answer. I wanted to say something more, but the way her blue eyes shook without end kept the words lodged in my throat.
Was that one line really so shocking? Just asking whether she was all right—such a common, ordinary thing.
Was it truly so unbelievable?
The question rose in me so strongly my lips parted, but what came out at last was not what I had meant to say.
“If you’re all right... if I didn’t startle you, then I’m glad.”
Those were words no one had offered her since I entered the manor. The steps of the woman trying to leave came to an abrupt halt.
Ropena, holding the teapot, stared at Irene’s face and then went wide-eyed. What expression was Irene even making right now?
Clack—
She still said nothing, and she did not turn back. She merely left the infirmary a little faster than before.
I watched her retreating back, then Ropena’s as she hurried after Irene, and lifted a hand to rub my face.
Had I misspoken? Worried by the thought, I drew in a breath that still carried the rich scent of Darjeeling tea from earlier.
When I turned my head, the only thing before me was an empty table. I absently picked up the cup, now vacant yet still steeped in tea fragrance, then set it down again with a sigh.
That moment when she had turned back to face me kept flickering in my mind, over and over.
#
“Miss.”
“...Ropena. Leave me.”
I wanted to be alone. The green eyes that had been watching me would not leave my thoughts, and even the documents in my hands seemed to have turned green as well.
Looking at Ropena’s worried face, I waved her away and told her to go. There was only myself in this room, and once I realized that, my always-unmoving expression began to crack little by little.
Crack.
Without meaning to, I clenched the papers I was holding and let out a heavy breath as if it were being torn from me.
The tight knot lodged in my chest made it hard to breathe, so I lifted a slender hand and tapped at my sternum.
Evan Fried.
From the first moment I saw him, that gaze of his had refused to leave me. Those eyes, as if he knew every part of me inside and out, had looked at me with something very like pity.
Why did he look at me like that?
In the empty room, a sigh cut through the void.
The feelings packed inside me were so thick that my vision seemed to blur for a moment, and I rubbed at my eyes.
Are you all right?
Why did those words, spoken in concern, hurt so much?
They were ordinary, commonplace words, nothing more than a simple way to ask after someone’s condition.
And yet the sound of them in my ears was an arrow aimed straight at me, a poisoned arrow at that.
It felt heavy, as if poison had already seeped into my body. The cold sweat sliding down my cheek was proof enough, and soon I was breathing too quickly, sinking back into the sofa.
The soft stuffing wrapped around my body, and I leaned my head against the cushion’s gentle give.
If you’re all right... if I didn’t startle you, then I’m glad.
My body jerked again at that voice, which seemed to slip past the cushion and into my ears.
No matter how tightly I covered my ears with my hands, the words still sounded as if he stood right beside me. Why? Why on earth?
He was no different from the bodyguards who would be changed out sooner or later. The people at my side had always been the same.
They would face assassins again, they would be cut by blades and wounded again, and then they would leave my side. So I did not let myself grow attached. I was always meant to be cold. I was the next shield, the eldest daughter of Yuris, and the noble head who would one day stand above everyone else.
Had I not done rather well with the thing called “perfection” that I had heard until my ears ached since childhood?
So this time, too.
This time, too, I should be able to do the same.
Are you interested in books?
I’ve heard that if one wishes to become a fine knight, one must have the proper knowledge to match. If you can recommend any books, I’d be grateful to hear them.
The way he kept knocking at the door of my heart haunted me. The way he seemed determined to stand by me after realizing my loneliness irritated me beyond measure.
A sigh slipped out between the fingers covering my mouth. How could I not have noticed the way his eyes shook whenever he looked at me?
How could I not have guessed at the meaning of the person who had come to me and muttered away all by himself? I had simply ignored him.
He would give up eventually. If I treated him coldly on purpose, if I answered with sharp words on purpose, I thought he would abandon it on his own.
That was why I hadn’t said anything about the wound I had seen.
I wanted him to notice it later and curse me for it. I wanted to put distance between myself and the concern he kept pouring on me.
It was my mistake to have been walking the corridor that night and noticed the light leaking through the gap in the infirmary door.
If I had just not looked, if I had passed by and ignored it, I would have felt nothing at all.
And yet after all those harsh words, the things Evan said to me felt like poison.
Poison so sweet I couldn’t help wanting to draw nearer to it.
Terrified that I might, for just one moment, be bewitched by that sweetness and reach out without thinking, I turned away.
I pushed aside the lifeline offered by the one person in this heartless manor who had said to me what no one else ever would, and I turned away.
Are you all right?
I wasn’t all right. I was afraid, afraid enough that I had been shocked beyond even my fear.
If I showed that I was startled, what came back would be cold reprimand and a lecture on striving for perfection.
So I only pretended nothing was wrong. I had forgotten how to smile, all in order to keep the mask on my face from cracking.
What expression was I wearing now?
My face, with only the fragments of a shattered mask left on it, must have looked monstrous.
When I saw my reflection in the glass, the corner of my mouth twisted before I even realized it.
I hated the damp strands of hair stuck to my cheek, and I hated the blue eyes that shone so stubbornly from a face twisted as if it might burst into tears at any moment.
Why was I the eldest daughter of Yuris?
Why was I the one others had to call a shield?
Was there truly no one who looked at me as Irene Yuris, and not as the next shield?
Evan’s bitter smile flashed through my mind for a moment, then shattered into the air.
Even after hearing such cruel words, all he had said to me was something full of concern, and the guilt that sank into my chest made my clenched fist go pale.
“...Please.”
Don’t come near me.
A whisper too soft for anyone to hear spreads through the air.
A voice that could not reach anyone struck the window and died away, and the silence that returned was unnervingly still.
My fingers lost their strength on the collar of my nightgown, and I let myself collapse back onto the sofa.
Evan Fried.
I turned the name over in my mind for a moment, then shook my head.
I suppressed the feelings rising inside me and donned the mask once more.
As though hiding a distorted face, indifference settled back over my expression, leaving only my blue eyes bright and sharp in the empty air.
Those blue eyes, so much like my father’s, passed carelessly over the void.
Scolding myself for having nearly drowned in a moment of sweetness, I lit the lamp again and looked back down at the documents.
All the while, I remained unaware that the poison had already taken root deep inside my chest.
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