Winter (7)
“Happy birthday.”
The words echoed at the edge of my hearing, and I couldn’t quite lift my head. It had only been a few minutes ago, and yet my heart was pounding so hard I couldn’t tell why.
“We should disinfect it first. Honestly, the wound’s torn open so badly I doubt you can even raise your shoulder properly.”
“I gritted my teeth and kept fighting. It didn’t hurt much at the time, actually.”
It hurt quite a bit now, but while I was in the middle of the fight, I’d been able to move just fine. Why was it always my shoulder that took the worst of it?
I gave a faint laugh as I said it, and Sir Chris frowned before answering with a bitter smile. Well, in the end, everything had turned out well enough, hadn’t it?
Of course, that didn’t mean there’d never be another problem just because a black mage had shown up once. Still, for the time being, things should be all right.
It would be five years before black mages finally started appearing in earnest as a coordinated group, and there was nothing I could do right now even if I worried myself sick over it.
Blood was still seeping through the bandage around my shoulder. Was that because it was dark magic? Sir Chris’s brow furrowed as he watched the wound heal more slowly than a sword cut ever would.
“You can’t go around getting hit by something like that.”
“Then what was I supposed to do while I was up in the air? Just take the blow and keep fighting, I guess.”
“...Tsk. Anyway, you’ll need to see the Duke tomorrow.”
“The Duke?”
It had been expected, and yet now that it was actually happening, I didn’t know how to feel. I was a little nervous, to be honest. He was the head of the Yuris family, and Irene’s father, after all.
In the novel, he’d only appeared for a few lines, so I knew next to nothing about him. The only thing I did know was that he would die a few years later.
After everything that had happened tonight, I’d begun to suspect that he might be connected to the black mages, but it still felt too early to jump to conclusions. He wasn’t due to die for quite some time yet—maybe around the time I came of age.
That would also be just before the black mages began acting openly, and there simply wasn’t enough evidence to judge anything yet.
“Well, don’t get too worked up. He’s probably just calling you in to praise you. Though I doubt your knighting ceremony will happen on schedule.”
“My knighting ceremony?”
“You’re injured, and a black mage has appeared. The family will probably need to investigate everything thoroughly, so holding any kind of ceremony right away would be difficult. Most likely, all events will be canceled before the Hunting Festival.”
Come to think of it, a black mage appearing wouldn’t just be a Yuris matter—it would be the kind of incident the Empire itself would keep a close eye on.
I nodded quietly, and once he’d finished wrapping the bandage, Sir Chris slapped my back and grinned.
“All right, the bandage is done. Looks like the young lady has plenty to say to you.”
“...Well, yes.”
At the thought of Irene’s face, I could almost taste bitterness on my tongue. Her expression kept flickering in my mind, and I frowned, letting out a soft sigh.
When I’d been injured, she had looked almost angry. Was she angry because I’d gotten hurt? I was grateful for that concern, but I also felt guilty.
I was only a transmigrator, someone who might one day vanish from this world entirely. If I disappeared like that, what would happen to her?
It was true that I wanted her to find even a little peace in this ducal estate, but even so, I didn’t want us getting too close. I’d thought I would simply stay like this until the future she knew had changed, and then leave.
Had I already gone too far, already gotten in too deep?
“I should get back to my room.”
My head was spinning. Between fighting the black mage and trying to sort through the thoughts crowding my mind, I needed some time alone. My body felt heavy all over, as though every limb had been soaked through with water.
Narrowing my eyes, I gave a faint smile, and Sir Chris, understanding my exhaustion, stood up as well.
“Yeah. Talk later. Go inside and rest. You’re probably the most exhausted one here.”
“...Thank you for looking out for me.”
I bowed once and left the room. When I opened the door, a dark corridor spread out before me.
It was the same as always, the hallway faintly lit only by the wavering glow of candlelight. I took a few steps over the smooth marble floor, then lifted my head at the sudden sense of another presence ahead.
“Evan.”
When that voice reached me, I let out an involuntary sigh. The face I least wanted to see, and yet the one I’d most wanted to see.
“...Young lady.”
When I met those blue eyes, shining even more brightly than the candles, all I could do was smile bitterly. I had the strange feeling that her single word filled the corridor and wrapped itself around me like a warm cloak.
♯
Why did that one word of congratulations shake me so deeply? Was it because Evan’s birthday happened to be the same as mine had been in my original life? Or was it simply because the word itself felt awkward in my ears?
Maybe it was Irene’s presence as she looked at me that was the real reason.
Thunk.
The teacup, patterned with lotus flowers, was filled to the brim with Darjeeling. I stared blankly at the delicately brewed crimson tea for a moment before slowly speaking.
“I’m fine.”
Irene’s gaze had been fixed on the bandage wrapped around my shoulder from the very beginning. Was that why her eyes were trembling like that, because the wound hadn’t closed and blood was still seeping through the cloth?
Even after I told her I was fine, she couldn’t seem to tear her eyes away, just watched the spreading red stain in a daze.
“Young lady.”
“...I’m listening.”
“You really don’t need to worry so much. I’ll heal soon enough. You saw it last time, didn’t you? I was better in a day or two.”
Only then did she look away, studying me in silence for a brief moment. The corners of her trembling eyes narrowed, then slowly closed, and a shallow breath escaped her lips.
“Just because a wound heals quickly doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Unless you’re telling me you don’t feel pain at all. Isn’t that right?”
“......”
“You shouldn’t have been hurt in the first place. If I’d paid a little more, just a little more attention—”
“Young lady.”
I cut Irene off and looked at her again. Her wavering eyes were lost, drifting aimlessly. This hadn’t been her fault. That black mage had simply targeted the Yuris family.
Why blame someone else? Even if this had turned into a tragedy, the fault would still have belonged to the black mage alone; there was nothing I could say against her.
“Why are you blaming yourself?”
My brows drew together as I watched her hand tremble faintly. There was no reason for her to blame herself, so was this because I’d been injured?
Feeling a fresh wave of guilt, I dragged a hand down my face and spoke.
“It isn’t your fault, young lady. No one blames a natural disaster on a person. That black mage was no different—no one could have predicted it. In the end, everything turned out well, didn’t it? We captured the black mage, and now we can prepare for whatever comes next.”
“...You were the one who got hurt.”
At Irene’s answer, I had no choice but to fall silent. What did my getting hurt have to do with anything, that she should be looking at me with such an expression?
My breath caught at the sight of those distorted eyes. It was such an awkward, unfamiliar thing—to stand before someone who cared about me so sincerely.
I stared at Irene blankly, meeting a gaze I had never once encountered in my life.
“Other people spend their birthdays lazing around at home. They open the gifts they’ve received and pass the time imagining what might be in the next box. But all I’ve given you is this wound.”
“...It’s all right if you don’t congratulate me. No one’s ever congratulated me before, and I never expected it in the first place.”
This had nothing to do with Evan. It was only about the person I had been before I became Evan. And yet, hearing her speak like that, those words had somehow slipped right out of my mouth.
Was it because I wanted her not to feel guilty? For a moment I was flustered by my own words, but when I saw Irene staring at me in silence, I gave a faint smile.
Birthdays.
I’d thought it would be better if mine simply never came. There was nothing special about that day anyway, and the only phone call I ever got was a cold one from my parents, asking whether I was still alive.
Whenever I heard that call, void of even a shred of affection despite the fact that they had given birth to me, I sometimes wanted to cut this life off right there and then.
But I didn’t let go. Someday—if I kept living like this, someday things would change. Or so I had told myself. Yet in the end, nothing ever did.
“Happy birthday.”
And yet I’d met someone who would say those words to me in a place like this. There was someone in this world who remembered a birthday I had forgotten myself, someone who wished me well without even needing to be told.
Even while I believed this was only a place I would leave someday, whenever I heard words like that, I couldn’t quite give up my lingering attachment.
I turned the name Irene over in my mind and then met her blue eyes again. They looked like the lone star that sometimes shone by itself against the night sky.
They looked like the moon I had once seen, glowing alone with the light of a blue night, looking down at me while I sat alone in my room.
Would this time be different? Was now truly different from the days when I had waited for a hope with no promise of ever arriving?
But that doubt soon scattered, carried away by the calm voice drifting into my ears. With that voice, the one that always struck at my heart, I let out a breath once more.
“Don’t say things like that.”
“......”
“You’re someone who deserves to be congratulated.”
Deserves to be congratulated.
A laugh slipped out before I could stop it. Those were words I had wanted to hear for so long, and yet the first person to say them was not my parents but the noble lady I served as a guardian. It was absurd that I, who had pitied her situation, should be the one hearing such words from her. My twisted lips trembled faintly.
I hadn’t wanted to cling to anything any longer. I hadn’t wanted to get any closer to her than this.
And yet those two eyes, wavering toward me, seemed to be settling into my chest with an insistence I could no longer ignore.
At first it had been nothing more than a thought—just maybe. I’d entered the novel, after all, and maybe I could change her fate. It had been a very light, almost careless idea, one that assumed failure would simply be that: failure.
But that feeling had grown heavier and heavier. Every time her expression changed, every time the mask covering her face cracked and the emotions beneath it showed through, I realized I was drawing closer to her without even meaning to.
She had asked me to stay with her from now on.
How could I forget what she had said on that balcony glittering with stars? There was no longer any coldness in the way she looked at me.
A warmth so gentle it could make me forget winter for an instant wrapped around my body, and I felt my face grow hot.
What, exactly, did I think of Irene? Merely a guardian knight and a noble lady?
Even if that was all it was for now, I couldn’t even begin to predict how this feeling might spread if it kept growing.
I shut my eyes for a moment, then opened them again and looked at Irene. Her tightly closed red lips were drawn in that same calm line as always. Now, however, my resolve was nothing like what I’d first felt.
I truly wanted to stop her tragedy.
This woman who smiled at me like this, who told me I deserved to be congratulated—I didn’t want to see her disappear into that tragedy.
The sword at my waist felt heavier than it ever had before. Was it because I had renewed my resolve? My sword, as I once again remembered my place as her guardian knight, felt only that much heavier.
And yet my lips curved into a small smile. It wasn’t a hollow laugh born of helplessness anymore, nor that suffocating heaviness in my chest. The burden in my heart had lifted, and I found myself smiling brighter than ever at the noble lady looking back at me.
To be recognized by someone—it was such a welcome feeling.
Wanting her never to sink back into sorrow, I slowly spoke, carrying that wish with me.
“I have one gift I’d like.”
“...A gift?”
When I was young, my older brother always received presents on his birthday. I never did, of course, but this time, I found myself wanting just one gift from her. Though, to be honest, it was closer to a wish than a gift.
“I’d just like you to smile.”
“......”
“I want that look of shadow on your face to disappear. Put down that burden you’re always carrying on your shoulders, just for a moment, and smile for me—once, if only once.”
I wanted all the darkness in her eyes to be washed away, and for her to smile brightly someday.
Could there ever truly come a day when Irene Yuris, freed from the name of Iron Blood and from the name Yuris itself, would laugh without restraint?
Maybe I wouldn’t even live to see that smile. But if my single sentence could change her even a little, that would be enough.
Irene’s eyes were on me. Looking at her face, now covered in surprise and confusion, I smiled faintly again.
The moonlight spilling in through the window, brightening the darkness, seemed far more radiant than usual. On birthdays, I had always curled up alone beneath my blanket and stared out the window.
Even now, that hadn’t changed. Birthdays were still cold, and the chill against my cheeks felt no different from before. And yet the fact that a single person’s existence could change everything made me let out another helpless laugh.
Then, and now.
It was winter.
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