Winter (4)
I slowly let my gaze drift across the street, which had been so crowded with people last time but looked strangely deserted today. It had been better when Ropena and Sir Chris were with us.
When it was just Irene and me like this, I couldn’t understand why the air between us always grew so awkward. Hadn’t I been rambling without a care when we first met?
I had no idea where that courage had gone. Now all I could do was fidget with my lips and then close my mouth again. If either of us said something, this atmosphere might ease, but Irene stayed silent too, and the uncomfortable quiet seemed to wrap itself around us.
Tap, tap. Every time the sound of our footsteps reached my ears, I could only smile bitterly at the suffocating silence, even though we were still walking toward a destination I didn’t know. This wasn’t quite what I’d imagined for an outing.
[Verde Weapon Merchant]
When she stopped in front of the weapons merchant, I looked at her with a puzzled expression and said, “Lady?” Was she stopping here because of what I’d mentioned earlier, after all?
Irene glanced at me, then answered with a flat expression, “You said you needed a sword, didn’t you? Let’s buy one.”
“You really were going to buy me one?”
“...Did you think I was joking?”
Maybe annoyed, she narrowed her eyes for a moment, then turned on her heel and strode into the shop. I had no idea what she was thinking. She’d never spent money like this before, so why now? I could only stare after her in stunned silence.
I hadn’t expected choosing a birthday present to be this difficult. I’d thought I could simply buy something expensive and be done with it, but once I’d actually come out here, I started wondering whether he’d be satisfied with something like that.
Even I didn’t always like what I received just because it was pricey, so Evan probably wouldn’t be thrilled either unless it was something he truly liked. Then what was I supposed to buy? I’d never given anyone a present before, and the world seemed to go dark the moment I tried to think it through.
I briefly wondered if I should have asked Ropena when she was making such a fuss about preparing everything, but I shook the thought away. Perhaps I should ask indirectly instead. It was rather silly that I secretly wanted to see him happy, but wasn’t it natural to hope the person receiving a birthday gift would be pleased?
As I walked, lost in thought, I eventually turned to look at my bodyguard. For a moment I blinked at the moonlit gold of his hair, and when I drifted my gaze to those green eyes watching me, his soft voice brushed past my ear.
“By the way, what did you come out here to buy?”
Your birthday present. I wanted to say it that way, but then what would have been the point of coming out without telling him anything? So what came out of my mouth instead was a roundabout way of asking what he wanted.
“...Just something I needed to buy. Is there anything you want, Evan?”
“Well...”
The answer I least wanted to hear escaped me in a dry laugh. I wished he’d just be honest with me for once, but I was reminded yet again how difficult it was to celebrate the birthday of a bodyguard who never said what he wanted.
Then, just as I was about to scold him in irritation, Evan spoke again.
“I do need a few swords.”
Swords. At that, something bright stirred in my eyes. Of course—he had been training hard lately, so he probably did need them. The duke had given him a ceremonial blade, which would be awkward to use in practice, so perhaps that was why he’d said it.
The tightness in my chest loosened a little as I let out a soft breath. They would be swords I gave him. I wasn’t sure what kind of sword was best for a bodyguard knight, but surely the fact that I was giving him something for the first time made it meaningful enough.
How many times had we walked alone together like this? And then it struck me: this was the first time. The first time for this, the first time for that—everything felt new in this moment. I had met him in summer, and now it was winter, so even the season felt like a first.
Why did that word feel so warm? Without meaning to, the heat blooming in my chest felt almost awkward. It was winter, so why did I feel warmth at all?
Once we entered the city, my eyes searched for the weapons merchant. My knight had said he wanted a sword, so it seemed only right that I should repay him by finding and buying the very best one. I didn’t know much about swords, but I did know this merchant was famous in the ducal territory.
The Yuris family guarded the northern reaches of the empire, and to earn the title of Shield, it needed military strength and the weapons to match. If I couldn’t find such a weapon here in Yuris, then it might as well not exist anywhere in the world.
After walking for quite some time, we finally reached a weapons merchant, and my bodyguard looked at me with an uncertain expression. Was he disappointed that I’d brought him to such a place?
But the words that came from his mouth were so different from what I’d expected that they nearly made me angry.
“You’re really going to buy me one?”
Before I could stop myself, I frowned. Wasn’t he making me sound like some petty person who couldn’t even buy his bodyguard a single sword?
That was how his words sounded to me. Even if he hadn’t meant it that way, my pride had already taken the blow.
“...Did you think I was joking or something?”
I’d thought one would be enough, but it seemed Evan had momentarily forgotten who he was serving. The Yuris young lady, the next Shield—none of those titles had ever sat particularly well with me, but at this moment, I would show him exactly the sort of person those titles belonged to.
With brisk steps, I entered the merchant’s shop. A greedy-looking man with a long black mustache came hurrying over, and though I disliked the way his belly jutted out over his belt, this was not the time to care about that.
“What is the finest sword you have here?”
“...If you mean the finest, there is one that just came in recently, though it isn’t cheap. Would you like to see it?”
I didn’t care whether it was good or how much it cost. The moment I stepped into this shop, my decision had already been made.
I raised my hand and pointed at every sword in sight, from the entrance all the way to the far end of the room. “Send them all to the ducal estate.”
Wasn’t it faster to just buy everything? There was no need to inspect them one by one. If I bought all of them, then surely there would come a day when one of them would be useful. The ones we didn’t use could be given to the knights’ order. Money? I had never once worried about that in my life.
Even if I bought everything in this store, it would only empty a single jewelry box.
Shock flickered across the merchant’s greedy face, and then he bent so low his waist seemed to fold in half. “T-the ducal estate, you say—”
“Is there more than one ducal estate in this territory?”
“N-no!”
When I gave him a cold look, he flinched and started bowing over and over like a broken machine. He looked rather pitiful, but that didn’t matter. What expression was my bodyguard making?
When I turned to look behind me, Evan was staring at me wide-eyed, as if he’d lost the power of speech.
“Lady? What on earth is this...?”
“Didn’t I say I’d buy you a sword? I bought them. I’m having them all sent to the ducal estate, so choose whichever one you like later.”
For some reason, a laugh slipped out of me. Was this the expression I’d been hoping to see on Evan’s face?
I stared at him for a while, and all he could do was watch the merchant packing the weapons with a dazed, incredulous expression.
“Let’s go.” The business here was done. Wasn’t this enough to impress my dignity upon my bodyguard? My steps as I passed the dazed Evan felt lighter than ever.
“Is it really all right for you to spend money like this? You didn’t have to do this because of me—”
“I didn’t do it because of you. I just happened to buy them while I was buying a sword.”
“...That’s a bit too much spending for ‘just happened.’”
Evan sighed at last, then smiled bitterly and said even he didn’t know what to make of this. I was the one spending the money, so why was he the one acting so dramatic?
While I was quietly watching him and then looked away, I noticed a very familiar bookstore. Wasn’t this the same one we’d visited on the day we first met?
As if he noticed me staring at it in a daze, Evan came closer and said, “It’s been a while. You’ve hardly visited a bookstore since then.”
“I’ve been busy.”
Between the tea parties, the Foundation Day Festival, and even the ball hosted by the crown prince, I hadn’t had much time to buy or read books. In fact, it had been quite a while since I’d last made time to come out like this.
As I looked at the bookstore, I suddenly found it strangely unbelievable that Evan was standing here with me. Considering how I’d once thought about him, that feeling made sense.
I’d assumed he would be like the other bodyguards—gone again within a few days. And yet here he was, still by my side months later, with his knighting ceremony now just around the corner.
He would still be my bodyguard knight after that. Unless someone killed him first.
“Back then, I never imagined it would turn out like this. Honestly, I thought I’d be dismissed soon enough.”
“...I’m sorry. For back then.”
“You don’t need to apologize. It’s all in the past now.”
I watched him shrug with a faint smile, as if none of it mattered. His words from then came back to me all at once: Please mind how you address me. My brows drew together before I could stop them.
What was so important about that title that I’d needed to be so cold? Even though I’d disliked the way he addressed me, I now regretted the way I had pushed him away just because I didn’t want him to come too close.
“Young lady of the family.”
At that voice, my body went rigid with cold. He was still smiling at me, and those green eyes still held warmth—but I couldn’t understand why I was so sensitive to that one address now, when I hadn’t been before.
My hand began to tremble. I grabbed his arm with the other and drew in a shaky breath. Anxiety welled up inside my chest, making it hard to breathe.
It was only one title, and yet it felt as if he were being dragged farther and farther away from me. A trembling voice slipped out between my parted lips.
“...Evan.”
“You used to call me that before. Not anymore, though.”
“Evan.”
Only then did he seem to realize my voice was different from usual. Evan looked at me with concern, and his gaze remained as warm as ever.
Just that was enough to make the anxiety in my chest scatter. Still clutching his sleeve, I opened my mouth again.
“Don’t...don’t call me that.”
“...What?”
I hated that title. No—more precisely, I hated hearing him use it for me. It felt as if he were drawing a line between us, as if now that he had finally come close, he might leave me behind and go somewhere I couldn’t follow.
I exhaled the breath that had risen to my throat and looked up at him. When I spoke again, my voice sounded so desperate that the air around us seemed to tremble.
“At least you...don’t call me that.”
Evan simply stared at me, silent and bewildered. Wasn’t it ridiculous? I had spent so long pushing him away, and now I couldn’t even allow him to step back.
But it was too late to turn back now. Hadn’t he been the one who had come to me, when I had been longing for someone who would understand me, someone who would always smile gently at me?
Then I realized something warm had settled onto my shoulder. When I lifted my head, I saw eyes as bright as the lights illuminating the city, and I found myself looking away without meaning to.
Heat was rising in my face. Even in this cold, it was strange to feel my cheeks growing hot. The warmth resting on my shoulder was gentle. It had been the chill seeping in beneath my cloak, and yet that warmth melted even the fear blooming in my chest.
I looked up again, this time at Evan’s face. It should have been a face no different from usual, and yet it seemed as though moonlight had settled across it, making him stand out clearly even in the deep darkness.
Then Evan’s lips parted as if he were about to say something, but his expression quickly hardened. The warmth in his green eyes cooled, and the hand on my shoulder stiffened.
He was tense. What on earth had he sensed?
“...Lady, I think you should move.”
“Evan...?”
I barely had time to stare at him in confusion before I felt a thick darkness begin to wrap around my body. When I looked up at the sky, the moon was gone. There was only an oppressive blackness close enough to raise goosebumps.
The memory of once hearing that such darkness existed surfaced in my mind, and my body began to freeze along with it. If I remembered correctly, weren’t they the ones who had vanished from this world?
Darkness like pitch-black tar, darkness that made every fiber of the body recoil the moment it touched you—there was no mistaking who it belonged to. In the empire’s most brilliant age, they had shattered that light in ruin and sung of its end.
This darkness belonged to the black mages.
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