Tea Party 5
After sending Evan away like that, all she could think about was Evan Fried.
It suddenly struck her as absurd. She could simply treat him the way she always had, in a businesslike, impersonal manner.
Without giving him affection, without giving him her heart. Treating him only as her bodyguard knight ought to have been the easiest thing in the world.
If this had been the moment she first met him, it might even have been simple.
Back when he knew barely any common sense at all, back when he hadn’t even been formally knighted yet, and called her young lady with that earnest, awkward face of his. Or better yet, before she had ever met the assassin.
Then perhaps it would have been possible.
Before long, she realized the corners of her eyes were trembling.
She touched the quiver at her lashes and understood, belatedly, that she was shaken.
A tiny pebble cast into a still lake had sent enormous ripples through her heart.
“...Haa.”
Her chest felt tight. Something seemed to be blocking it shut, and she frowned as though some unseen hand were pinching her breath closed.
She really shouldn’t have gone into the infirmary that day.
Who could have guessed that one sentence she heard there would shake her this much?
She lifted the tea that had long since gone cold, then set it down again and closed her eyes, drawing in a slow breath.
When the garden’s clear air, green with life, filled her lungs, the weight on her chest eased for a moment.
Only for a moment, though. Soon enough, the pressure returned, and she let out a heavy breath through her tightening throat.
It was irritating, distracting. She couldn’t even say why, but that green gaze that kept circling through her mind was disturbing her peace.
It was almost as if the solemn voice that had escaped his lips still drifted to her through the wind.
Had he cast some sort of spell? No, he was only a knight, not a mage.
It was probably just because she was unsettled.
The tea party had grown dull, and sitting there alone, guarding her place, had become dull as well, so she decided it was time to get up.
Perhaps a walk would clear this suffocating feeling.
She still didn’t want to understand this nameless emotion.
For now, she only wanted the tightness in her chest to vanish, even if only for a little while.
Scriiiik—
As she rose carefully from her seat, the young ladies’ gazes turned toward her all at once.
So even while they had been chattering so noisily, they had still been watching her?
If they had truly been paying attention, they shouldn’t have been gossiping about her bodyguard knight in the first place.
Her mouth twisted, and after wiping the faint smile of mockery from her face, she dipped her head slightly.
They could continue their conversation. She would step out of the way.
For a moment, their pale faces brightened with relief, and then the words spilling from their mouths grew louder and louder.
Was her presence really that uncomfortable?
If it was such a bother, they shouldn’t have invited her at all. Why call her to a gathering like this?
There was the excuse of etiquette, of course, but such empty formalities meant nothing to her.
If they truly wanted to win her favor, they would have done better to use a different approach.
Fearing her gaze might grow even colder if she lingered, she left without a second thought.
That reminded her of Lopena. She had briefly thought of her personal maid, then remembered she had sent her away as well, and let out a low sigh.
Had she really forgotten that too while she was lost in thought? She probably needed to calm down a little.
She had given Lopena some cookies, hadn’t she? Lopena was always wandering around with cookies in her mouth, and whenever she didn’t have a snack, she lost all her energy.
That was why she had even gone so far as to ask the head cook to bake cookies she didn’t especially like herself.
As she thought about Lopena, her thoughts drifted to the bodyguard knight she had sent far away just like her, and her brow furrowed again.
Perhaps it would be better to stop thinking altogether.
When she emptied her mind of the things cluttering it, the suffocation in her chest seemed to fade a little, and her expression softened.
She let her thoughts go blank and focused instead on the world before her eyes.
The sun was slowly sinking, staining the sky red; below it stood the trees, darkened into shadow; the sunflowers were withering little by little, and the blue garden had been dyed crimson by the glow of sunset.
Then a voice reached her ears and shattered her wandering thoughts.
The smooth line of her eyes began to twist.
This voice was unmistakably familiar.
“But saying I might be seeing him for a long time... I could get fired before long, you know.”
What she could see through the grass was Lopena and her knight. But at his words, her face tightened sharply.
Get fired? Could her father have put pressure on him without her knowing?
No matter that he was her father, no matter that he was the Duke of Yuris, she had made it clear that no one was to meddle carelessly with her people.
For a fleeting instant, anger flared in her heart, but then the knight merely shrugged, as if it were only a guess, and her chest settled again.
If it wasn’t her father’s doing, then why would he bring up something like that?
When Lopena said something and the knight spoke again, her face twisted once more.
This time it wasn’t anger or confusion, only sheer exasperation.
He thought I hated him? She had never even felt that emotion toward him.
No, to be precise, she had avoided thinking deeply enough about him to feel anything at all.
Still, she could definitely deny that she disliked him.
He had been doing his job well, and everything she had done to him until now had only been the result of her own confused feelings.
She had even been thinking she should apologize for that someday.
That her own bodyguard knight had been thinking such things came as a considerable shock.
Had she really been so harsh that he thought she hated him? She did not dislike him. If anything, her feelings toward him leaned in a much more positive direction.
It was only that the green of his eyes, seeming to deepen whenever he looked at her, felt hard to bear. But then—
She clenched the hem of her dress, then let out a long breath and released it.
As Lopena and Evan’s conversation went on, the shadow across her face seemed only to deepen.
“He’s a good man.”
For someone she supposedly hated, that was hardly a terrible evaluation at all.
He was a kind man, and in comparison, she looked terribly foolish.
No matter what sort of feelings she herself might have held, wasn’t the one who felt them the one most qualified to judge them?
Tick—
Again, her mask threatened to crack.
She forced her teeth back from the inside of her lip and once more put on a composed expression.
Casual. Calm. Like someone merely interested in the conversation. Yet she still had to remember what she needed to say to him.
That she had not hated Evan at all.
“Well, that’s quite an interesting conversation you were having.”
Her eyes were still cold when she looked at him, but her true feelings were nothing like that.
A faint metallic taste spread through her mouth.
#
It felt as though I couldn’t breathe.
How on earth was I supposed to explain this? Even without meeting her gaze, the look she was aiming at me felt like it was trying to crush me, and my bowed head drooped lower and lower.
“Evan Fried.”
“...I’m sorry.”
“That’s not what I asked. Do you really think I hate you?”
My tightly shut mouth wouldn’t open easily.
Her voice was so icy when she called my name that, for a moment, I had the strange illusion that my whole body had frozen solid.
It had already been a mistake to talk about her when she wasn’t there, and now I’d been caught red-handed by the very person herself.
I had no idea how much of it she had heard, but the part of my mind trying to figure out how to clean up after what I’d said was overheating so badly it felt like it might burst.
Even if I kept apologizing like a parrot, I didn’t think this suffocating situation would end.
So maybe it would be better to be honest.
I steadied myself again, thinking that being a mercenary wasn’t so bad after all. If I was going to get fired anyway, it might be a relief to say this and be done with it.
“...Honestly, I thought you disliked me.”
“Why?”
“I have no idea what I did wrong during the week I’ve been your bodyguard knight. But since you scolded me, I only wanted to know why.”
My voice, lowered as I spoke with my head bowed, was calmer than it had ever been.
Maybe because I’d already resigned myself to it, I suppressed the dry laugh rising in my throat and looked at Irene’s face.
There was nothing reflected in those blue eyes, and I wondered what she was thinking as she listened to me.
Still, if I could hope for one thing, it was that she wouldn’t be hurt.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine how much pain she had already endured in this ducal estate.
A girl of fifteen making that expression looked like a monk who had long since renounced the world.
Could I ever understand even a fragment of the emotions she had lived with?
I had interpreted becoming her bodyguard knight like this: to stand by her side and prevent the tragedy that awaited her. The tragedy Irene Yuris would suffer was not only the execution that took her life.
If becoming her bodyguard knight had been nothing more than a coincidence, then I would have preferred it to end cleanly there.
Whether I went on with mercenary work or later searched for a way back to my original world was my own business.
I had only wanted to part from her after wishing her well.
Looking at Irene’s impassive face, I gave a faint smile.
When those blue eyes slowly closed and her lips moved, I already sensed my fate.
What would follow, I thought, was surely that I should leave this ducal estate.
But the words that came from her mouth were enough to shatter my expression to pieces.
“I’m sorry.”
Those words came from a face that looked utterly blank, spoken in a voice that was endlessly warm.
I had thought her face was expressionless. I had thought the only thing trembling in those blue eyes was coldness.
But when she lifted her head after bowing it slightly, there was no mistaking it: she was apologizing to me.
She was carrying guilt, offering me an apology. A shadow lay across her face as she exhaled softly, as if she truly felt sorry that I had come to think that way.
“As for making you think that, I have no excuse.”
“......”
“I sincerely apologize to you.”
Her slender hand touched her chest, and the sight of her bowing her head was elegant beyond words.
But the most astonishing thing was that she was apologizing to me.
Then all the things I had assumed had been nothing more than misunderstandings?
A hollow laugh escaped me before I could stop it.
“I thought you... hated me.”
Even in ordinary actions, that gaze would still turn cold without mercy, and that atmosphere that had seemed bearable would grow bleak again the moment she looked at me.
Wasn’t that enough to make anyone think she disliked me?
When I asked in confusion, Irene let out a faint sigh and then answered slowly.
“...It was only because my feelings were complicated. That won’t be the case anymore, I promise you.”
“I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say.”
If what I had thought was a misunderstanding, then what must she have felt hearing those words from me?
I had wanted to apologize, but my lips only moved helplessly without any words coming out, so I could only stare at her in a daze.
“It’s all right. You don’t have to say anything. I’ve already heard more than enough.”
For a moment I wondered at her ambiguous words, and then the next thing she said reached my ears.
“Don’t go around saying you’ll get fired. Even if my father, Garot Yuris, ordered it, the only one who can decide how you’re treated is me.”
“...Yes.”
“If I’d really been dissatisfied with you, I could have cut you loose long ago.”
“......”
“And yet you were still able to remain my bodyguard knight because—”
She looked at me for a moment, then turned her gaze away and spoke into the air.
“Even if you lack common sense, even if you sometimes look foolish, even if you have the habit of muttering to yourself alone. Your diligence, your skill, and your kindness... were what I liked about you.”
So. Those words, carried to me with a soft breath, shattered whatever expression I had left.
Like the heat of midsummer, I only then realized how warm the air hanging over this garden had become.
Her words were warm, and the eyes staring into the distance were no longer cold.
“Do you understand now? That I don’t hate you.”
“...Yes.”
Truly, down to my bones. I had carved the brief warmth she’d given me into my heart.
Only then could I finally let my stiffened expression loosen.
The weight crushing my shoulders was gone, and my chest felt light enough that I could breathe easily again.
The view, filled with the scent of grass and the beauty of the garden before me, was so lovely that I found myself smiling brightly at Irene.
“Thank you. For thinking that way.”
Irene stared at me for a while, then turned on her heel as if she had no lingering attachment left at all.
Had she said all she needed to say? She walked on alone through the garden, then paused and spoke again.
“Let’s go. It’ll be dark soon.”
“...Yes.”
Just as she said, the sky had already darkened until it looked as though ink had been spilled across it.
I glanced briefly at Lopena, who was snickering at me, then moved toward Irene.
Even the garden soaked in darkness seemed strangely beautiful.
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