Barbecue Party
Barbecue Party
Smack.
When I slapped the back of his head, the crocodile bastard went, "Urghk?"
"Graaaaaahhhh!!!"
He reached back and swung at me in one clean, powerful arc.
Naturally, I had already teleported far away by then.
"You bastard!!! Stop running away like a mosquito!!! Fight me like a man!!!"
"Hey, you're that big and I'm supposed to fight you bare-handed? That's a little unfair, don't you think? If anything, that's less manly, isn't it?"
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"
Yeah, he's not listening at all, is he?
Why was he acting so hostile when I had done nothing to offend him?
Weren't villains supposed to feel some instinctive camaraderie with one another? Even if we had never met, shouldn't we have united against our common enemy—the heroes—and combined our strength? That was the picture I had wanted. Why was he suddenly charging at me like a mindless brute?
Actually, I was planning to backstab him the moment he went easy on me, so if he had figured that out, perhaps he wasn't as dumb as he looked.
But then I watched him charge at me again like a bull, and no matter how I thought about it, I reached the same conclusion: he was definitely dumb. I mean, did he seriously have zero learning ability?
I teleported away again just before he could pounce on me. Huff, huff. I was beginning to reach my limit. I had been teleporting back and forth between here and home—did he have any idea how exhausting that was? My stamina was already terrible, and all this jumping around was steadily wearing me down. I even had a microphone in one hand and a bundle slung over my back like Santa Claus.
But a true pro never shows his exhaustion. As if I had no problem at all, I grinned at him and spoke.
"Buddy, are we going to keep this up all day?"
"Graaaaaaaaaaah!!! You cowardly bastard!!!"
*
[LOL that's so underhanded lol]
[Crocodile dude looks mad as hell lol]
[For real, slipping in and out like a mosquito, must be so pissed lol]
[Is Mangostic a mosquito? Is Mangostic a mosquito? Is Mangostic a mosquito? Is Mangostic a mosquito?]
[Mosquitostic lol]
[But that guy's strength is seriously insane. His charges are denting the cement floor damn]
[Strong, but he seems kind of dumb lol]
[Alligator guy... now that I keep looking at him, maybe he's kinda cute?]
[Wake up, you bastards, he just caused a terrorist attack and people died]
[For real, covering for a villain is crossing the line]
[Are you guys insane? Now you're covering for a villain because he's cute?]
[These guys who are so hostile to villains are sucking up to Egostic lol]
[Ah, but Egostic had zero casualties lol]
[Egostic is a vill?ain]
[Mangostic is an Association-certified A-rank hero. This fact was even recorded in ancient Goguryeo murals.]
[This idiot lol Those aren't Goguryeo murals anymore—they're Mango murals lol]
[But seriously, why did Egostic even go there?]
*
The chat was still a complete mess.
One comment in particular caught my eye.
Why did Egostic even go there?
Right. I needed to explain this properly.
If I explained it badly, people would start smearing me as "basically a hero" again.
I shouted at Crocodile Man, who was getting ready to charge again.
"Wait!!! Just listen to me!!!"
I grabbed the microphone again and shouted at full volume. Only then did the crocodile man stop his mindless attack.
He let out a big snort from his nose and roared back at me.
"Fine!!! Speak!!!"
"Alright!!! First I'll ask you this!!! Why did you suddenly attack me!!!"
In response, the bastard sneered and replied.
"Isn't it obvious!!! I marked Stardus as my target!!! But you seem pretty interested in Stardus yourself!!! So you're my enemy!!!"
"..."
What kind of messed-up logic is that?
The chat's reaction was heated.
*
[Lmao even this dumb villain knows Mango likes Stardus lol]
[Why does he know Egostic likes Stardus but not that Egostic can teleport lol]
[Two men fighting over one woman, oh my]
[Honestly, didn't Egostic come running in Stardus's place?]
[You call for Stardus and Egostic shows up... they say married couples are one body, maybe?]
[What what, what's going on with them]
[The hardcore fake-marriage shippers are at it again lol]
[For real lol, it isn't a fake marriage—it's the real thing lol]
[So for real, why did he come??]
*
"...You bastard!!!"
I screamed into the mic again.
My voice blasting from the speaker felt as though it was destroying my ears, but that was probably just my imagination. Right?
"You attacked me!!! For such a ridiculous reason!!!"
"No!!! Weren't you the one who told me!!! To surrender!!!"
Did I?
I didn't remember.
First, deny everything.
"When did I ever say that!!!"
The crocodile bastard's eyes twitched, and he suddenly rattled off the words without hesitation.
"What!!! You clearly told me, [Listen up, you crocodile bastard. You're surrounded. Surrender immediately.]!!! Did you not!!!"
Oh, fuck. Why did his brain work perfectly at times like this?
I blinked at the unexpected counterattack, and the chat erupted again.
*
[LOL, he's got nothing to say now that they hit the nail on the head lol]
[Why is crocodile guy suddenly so articulate lol]
[Dude, you struck first and the whole thing was broadcast live, and now you're brazenly denying it lol]
[Shameless Mangostic is cute too!!! Agh!]
*
I couldn't let myself lose composure at a time like this.
Success meant doubling down and acting even more shameless.
One of the self-help books I had read as a kid put it this way.
Life was like fried rice cooked on an iron griddle.
Fried rice cooked on an iron griddle was delicious.
Honestly, most things turned out decently if you cooked them on a griddle.
Life worked the same way.
If you lived with an iron plate over your face—utterly shamelessly—most things worked out.
Remembering that maxim, I put on my thickest skin and spoke.
"So what!!! I didn't ask!!!"
"...? Did you not just ask when you had ever said that!!!"
"Forget that!!! When you were smashing up the building, did you not ask whether Stardus was too busy sucking face with Egostic to show up!!! What outrageous slander!!! Apologize!!! Apologize for the humiliation I suffered!!! I'll forgive you if you apologize!!!"
That finally made the bastard snap.
"You lunatic!!! I'm the idiot for bothering to listen to you!!! Die!!!"
After saying that, the crocodile bastard suddenly began gathering something in his mouth.
Uh-oh. Isn't that the attack?
The moment something shot from his mouth, I teleported to the side. You lunatic!
In my rush, I accidentally dropped the microphone before teleporting. Ah, I had barely used it except to sing a few songs at home. It was going to be smashed to pieces.
After teleporting away by the skin of my teeth, I saw a jet of water shooting right where I'd been standing.
That was Crocodile Man's secret technique: Extreme Water Spouting.
Though he had simply named it himself in the Original Work. In reality, it was just a water cannon—one that killed you instantly if it hit.
I had no idea what being a crocodile had to do with firing a water cannon, but Stardus had been caught off guard by it in the Original Work and nearly died. I only managed to evade it because I already knew about the attack.
"You rat bastard!!! To think you'd dodge that!!!"
The bastard wiped the water from around his mouth and kept talking.
He had just used an instant-kill attack on me?
That had been a real ambush. If I had failed to dodge, I would have died on the spot.
The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.
Who did that bastard think he was, pulling something like this?
This isn't going to work.
I had planned to scare him, send him away, and deal with him later.
Let's just catch him today.
Tonight's dinner is crocodile meat.
I unfastened the Ego Bundle I had been carrying on my back.
Then I slowly activated my telekinesis. I had been charging it for a while, so I should have been able to manage this much.
My body began to rise into the air through telekinesis.
Simultaneously, the items I had packed into the bundle started floating up into the air one by one.
Countless guns.
All around me, suspended in the air, the many guns I'd prepared rose up.
"Hey, you crocodile bastard."
I began chambering rounds in the guns with telekinesis.
Okay, all set.
The crocodile bastard's eyes started twitching when he saw the countless guns floating in the air, all aimed directly at him.
Then, right before simultaneously firing all those guns, I gave him a one-liner.
"See you in hell, you son of a bitch."
And at that moment, the guns all fired at once.
Ratatatatatatatatata—
Dozens of guns opened fire at once, and a deafening roar swept across the rooftop.
"Gruuuuuuugh!!!"
Crocodile Man ducked his head, crossed his arms to shield his body, and took every bullet.
Perhaps because so many bullets had struck him, the spot where he stood filled with enough dust to obscure his entire figure.
I settled back down on the ground and casually tossed out a line.
"Did I get him?"
*
[Aaaa... he said it...]
[We're fucked, 100% he's not dead]
[But can he really survive after taking that many bullets? No way]
["No way" = famous last words]
[No way, he—(note: this always kills people)]
*
The thick cloud of dust gradually cleared.
When the dust cleared, Crocodile Man was still standing there without a single scratch.
"Hahahahahaha!!! Did you really think such flimsy physical attacks could hurt me!!!"
After laughing loudly, he looked forward again—
At the empty rooftop.
And then, a voice suddenly came from above.
"I told you we'd meet in hell, baby crocodile."
I had teleported directly above him. As I fell, I hurled a glass bottle straight down onto his head.
Shatter— The glass bottle smashed against his head and broke into pieces.
"Huh?"
An unidentified green mist poured out from the broken bottle.
He sniffed at it, as if wondering what it was, then suddenly started screaming in agony.
"Graaaaaaaagh!!!"
Resistant to physical attacks?
Then I could simply use a special attack, could I not?
Have a taste of poison gas, you bastard.