The Unicorn's Strict Standards

Whether I was flustered or not, whether Eve was yanking on his tail or not, Karin kept circling around me, drawing in my scent again and again with relentless enthusiasm.

"Do you have any idea how long it's been since I last caught the scent of a virgin?! Good heavens, to think it could be this fragrant! I, Karin, must surely be the luckiest among all the unicorns of the Light Realm!"

"Hey, Eve, what the hell is this?! What is even happening right now?!"

I screamed, desperately shoving Karin away as he reared up on his front hooves and tried ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠to throw himself into my arms.

In the end, neither Eve nor I could stop him. Which was how I found myself sitting on the sofa with Karin planted at my feet, enthusiastically rubbing his head against my ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠calves.

I demanded an explanation from Eve.

"I have no idea. He didn't react like this when he first proposed a contract to me."

"Well, of course not. You were a man."

I was a man too, I thought. Not that anyone besides Keru knew that.

Eve let out a cry of genuine indignation.

"Hey, Karin. And watch your mouth."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Technically, I'm a virgin too! So why are you only overreacting to her?!"

That's what you're mad about? You've got your priorities completely backwards.

"No, no, no. Absolutely not."

What?

"Eve, don't tell me you…"

"I said no! Mother, not you too! I was originally a man, and I'm still a man at heart! I absolutely do not like men, and I have never slept with a ma— anyway, that never happened!"

Eve's face had gone scarlet as she scrambled to defend herself. Honestly, anyone looking at her right now would get the wrong idea.

"That's not what I meant, Eve."

"Then what?!"

"You're only half a virgin."

Eve went rigid. She'd frozen up like this with Kabe once before, and now she was doing it with Karin. I was starting to feel a little sorry for her.

"Look here. Behold Mother. I, Karin, as a member of the unicorns — a race of considerable prestige in the Light Realm — possess exceedingly rigorous standards of judgment. And by those standards…"

What does "prestige" even mean in the Light Realm? I thought, incredulous. A unicorn that shoves its horn into women's butts is supposed to be prestigious? And why were these "rigorous standards" being applied to virgin-detection of all things?

"We unicorns are a race that has, for generations, guarded none but virgins. This nose I was born with can detect the faint peach fragrance unique to virgins more keenly than anyone!"

That sounded genuinely perverted.

A peach scent coming off a person's body wasn't a bad thing in itself. But coming from a unicorn who proudly declared that he "guarded none but virgins," even that started to sound perverted.

"What's more, the springy firmness of the buttocks that repelled my horn! That is irrefutable proof of virginity!"

With that, Karin sprang to his feet and stared at me again. I hastily covered my rear, terrified he was about to ram his horn into it a second time.

And for the record, I used to be a man. Had Keru done such a thorough job that even a unicorn couldn't tell? Keru, you bastard — if only you put this much effort into everything else.

But he didn't try to stab my butt with his horn again. Karin simply stood there like a statue, staring at me with eyes so fiercely bright they looked ready to shoot flames.

"Mother, who satisfies every last one of my rigorous criteria to absolute perfection, is a virgin in the truest sense! She is, without question, the ideal candidate for a contract with me, Karin…!"

"You absolute lunatic!"

Eve's fist, having finally reached its limit, slammed into Karin's face. I knew this was coming.

"I sat here and listened, I really did, but this bastard is just running wild with sexual harassment in broad daylight? Huh? Are you insane? Are you actually insane?!"

Karin, knocked flat by the punch, lay sprawled on the floor absorbing Eve's merciless beating.

I had no particular desire to stop her. I just watched. I no longer had the faintest idea what this world's standards of good and evil even were.

"Anyway, take Karin with you today. You'll be better off learning mana control and combat technique from him. Keru's the type who only ever did paperwork, so I doubt he taught you anything useful about actually fighting. Am I right?"

She was. Keru had taught me how to tear off chunks of mana and fight with them, but that had been the extent of it.

"Yeah. Keru didn't seem to have much of a knack for combat either. He kept calling himself a combat specialist, though…"

"Pffft!"

Karin, who had been lying nearby making pained noises, let out a snort of laughter. Excuse me? Keru was my mascot, thank you very much. Was this guy seriously laughing at him?

"All that ink Keru's been swallowing must have finally gone to his head. 'Combat specialist' is an epithet that refers to me."

A former housecat-turned-panther and a unicorn, each insisting he was the real combat specialist. What a sight.

"Applied mana combat is my specialty. I shall train you well, so you've nothing to worry about."

"Eve."

"Yeah."

"Wouldn't a horse and a human have completely different fighting styles?"

"Just learn the mana control. You don't even have a unique incantation, right? If you don't have any spells to work with, you'd better at least know how to throw your body at the problem."

"Right…"

I was thoroughly unconvinced. Eve seemed to understand my concern, because she gave me a little smile.

"Just trust me. He may look like that, but he's actually a great teacher when it comes to mana control. I learned from him in the beginning too."

"Fine. I'll trust you. Anyway, Karin — I'm counting on you. We don't have a lot of time, but teach me well."

"Leave it to me."

"Mother, I'll come find you at the hotel around tomorrow evening. I'll let you know then what you need to prepare, so just wait there."

"Okay. Got it."

After a bit more small talk, Karin transformed into a horse-shaped brooch for easier carrying. I pinned him to my collar as an ornament and headed back to the hotel.

"Mommy!"

"Aigoo, there's my girl. Have you been having fun?"

"Yeah! Keru played with me the whole time."

Keru was draped limply against a cabinet in the room. He flicked a glance in my direction when I walked in, but otherwise ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠didn't react at all. He must have had a rough time keeping a child entertained, so I opened the fridge, cracked open one of the cat-tuna cans I'd bought in advance, and carried it over to him.

"Keru, thanks for watching ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Kabe."

"It was nothing. I trust your outing went well. Wait… I sense Karin's presence…?"

"Ah. Right, I almost forgot."

I unpinned the brooch from my collar and set it on the floor. A dazzling golden radiance burst forth, and Karin emerged from it with a vigorous snort.

"So we've arrived! This dark aura… oho, Keru. You've evolved. It's been some ti—"

"Moo moo!"

Karin never got to finish. Kabe came scampering over at full speed, seized Karin by the neck, clambered onto his back, and started pretending to ride him.

Kabe, sweetheart. Cows go moo. Horses go neigh.

"W-what is the meaning of this?!"

Karin sounded thoroughly panicked, but I was going to have to introduce them sooner or later anyway.

"This is my daughter. Her name is Kaveria. We also call her Kabe. Kabe, this horse is named Karin."

"Karing? Karing? That's a pwetty name! Karing, I'm Kabe!"

"I-I am not Karing, I am Karin…! Would you kindly get off and let go of me?!"

"Okay, okay, Kabe. Karin says he's tired. Time to get down, alright?"

I pried Kabe off — she had gone well past holding on and was now actively choking him — and Karin finally drew a ragged breath.

"How can you possibly have a daughter?! I was certain you were a virgin!"

"Just take my word for it."

I could have explained, but that was a conversation for when Kabe wasn't in the room. I wasn't about to stand in front of my own daughter and tell anyone that she wasn't really my biological child, that I had created her, and so on and so forth.

"I simply cannot believe…!"

"Then believe it anyway, Karin. That attitude is precisely why nobody likes you."

Keru, who had been lying there like a rag, had somehow pulled himself together and sat up. I was seeing all kinds of rare sights today. He scratched behind his ear with a hind paw.

"Keru, you wretch. I held my tongue because it had been so long, and this is what I get? The same wretch who begged and begged me not to let him fade out of existence because he couldn't even find a Mother — and now there's not a thing he won't say!"

That, apparently, was a sore spot. Keru's expression hardened the instant he heard it, and a low growl rumbled from his throat.

"Karin. If you're going to air someone else's dirty laundry, I assume you're prepared to have yours aired too?"

"I have no dirty laundry! I stand proud beneath the heavens!"

Keru snorted the moment those words left Karin's mouth. I had become a spectator at this point, holding Kabe in my arms and listening to the exchange with rapt fascination.

"I know what you said when they tore into you for taking so long to produce the first magical girl."

"Wh-what?!"

Karin recoiled in horror. Oho. So there was something.

"'What am I supposed to do when there aren't any virgin maidens who suit my tastes?'"

Keru even did a decent impression of Karin's voice, and I burst out laughing so hard I nearly clapped. So that was the pathetic reason they'd gone so far as to turn a man into a woman just to make a magical girl.

If Eve ever heard this story, she would tear Karin apart.

"And then they told you they'd rip your horn off if you didn't come back with a magical girl contract within three days — which is why you went and found Eve. Did you really think I didn't know?"

"How did you…"

At this rate, the two of them were going to go at it forever.

"Alright, that's enough. Keru and Karin already know each other, so that's fine. This is my daughter, Kabe. And just so we're clear — anyone who so much as thinks about harming her…"

The threat came with a slight smile.

"I'll tell Eve."

I got a promise out of both of them.

"Kabe, is Auntie Doosik not back yet?"

"Mhm."

"No? Keru, has Doosik gotten in touch?"

"She has not."

Did they still have evening study hall these days? For a while now she'd been coming straight back after school, but she was running late today. I checked the clock — it was already seven. Not that I even knew when her school day ended…

My pocket buzzed. I pulled out my phone and found an unknown number on the screen. Some leftover instinct from my sales-job days must have still been in there, because I answered it anyway.

"This is Yoo Yeonwoo."

The police?

"Ah, yes. May I ask what this is regarding…?"

Eve had said she'd already taken care of the building explosion. We'd confirmed the contract termination all the way through. What was left? What was this about?

"I'm sorry? Ah — yes, yes. That's correct."

"I'll be right there. Samsung Police Station, you said?"

The moment I hung up, I threw the shawl I'd taken off back around my shoulders. I grabbed the pouch with my wallet and everything else in it, left Kabe with Keru, and hurried out of the hotel.