Wanna Be Secret Friends with This Ajussi?
Ideal Guild.
One of the three great guilds of South Korea.
And in the headquarters of that very Ideal Guild, Vice Guildmaster Yoo Yeona was clutching her phone for dear life.
"W-Wait, hold on. Yeona...?"
"Got it? I'm heading into a meeting now, so I'm hanging up."
"W-Wait a secoooond!!"
Beep—beep—
"...Haah."
A sigh burst out the moment the call ended.
"Seriously, what am I going to do with that girl..."
The cause was none other than her own childhood friend, Iserin. When they'd first met at the orphanage, Serin had simply been a friend with a cute side to her — but now, Yeona was genuinely worried about her future. Her lifestyle was a wreck, and she held no proper job. Serin herself claimed she had more than enough money, but nobody could live like that forever, could they?
Well, honestly speaking, she was cute. The tiny little body, right down to the way she never bothered hiding a single emotion. If it were up to Yeona, she'd have happily kept her at home and raised her like a pet.
"I'm pretty, you know!!"
"I'm cute, right? Adorable, right?"
Of course, considering Serin's usual words and deeds, that was precisely why she worried all the more. But Yoo Yeona was not the kind of person who would give up on a friend over something like that — and all the less so when that friend was her one and only precious childhood friend.
And so, in Yeona's head, a plan to rehabilitate Serin and return her to society was taking shape. For the record, one of those plans involved installing Serin as the official mascot of Ideal Guild. ...If Serin ever found out, she would no doubt shriek Kkippyaaaat!! at the top of her lungs — but hey, Serin really was cute enough to be a mascot.
"Well, I suppose I'll have to go check on her first."
And with that, Yeona was quietly moving her quitting time up in her head — all while drafting the terrifying plan to confiscate Serin's computer for a solid week if the apartment wasn't cleaned this time around either.
"Yeona, whatcha doing?"
Just then, someone stepped into the room where Yeona sat alone.
"Oh, Semi-unnie."
It was Bu Semi, Guildmaster of Ideal Guild — one of the only five S-Rank hunters in the country, and the first, second, third, and current Vice Gallery Master of the Hunter Gallery. For the record, the reason she'd become Bu-Galju was none other than the fact that her surname happened to be Bu.
"I was on the phone."
"An important call? I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"
"No, it was just a friend."
And so, in a certain sense, this was a historic moment (not) in which the Gallery Master and Vice Gallery Master of the Hunter Gallery gathered in a single room.
"A friend? You mean Serin, right?"
"Yes. She slept in late again today, so I gave her an earful."
"Are you going to see her, by any chance?"
"Yes. After work."
Even the topic of their conversation was Serin.
"Can I come along? It's been ages since I last saw her."
"Really? Fine by me."
The two of them began mapping out a visit to Serin's room as naturally as breathing. If Serin ever witnessed this scene, she would undoubtedly declare it trending-post material.
"Ufufu, time to recharge on some Serin~"
"Unnie, you're drooling..."
Anyway, their talk ended with exactly one conclusion: the number of uninvited guests about to descend upon Serin's room had grown by one. ...Even though the room's actual owner, Serin, wasn't there at all.
"Kkippyaaaat!!"
I got sucked into a portal that had abruptly torn open in my room. After roughly ten seconds of plummeting, I arrived at the far end of the portal.
"Kkippyat?!"
As it turned out, the portal's exit connected directly to the floor, so I ended up executing a flawless dive straight into it. Fortunately, my super-nongnong-hero body nonchalantly flipped a full 180 degrees and touched down without a scratch.
"This place is..."
I immediately readied myself to summon the holy sword. After all, I was curious about just what kind of terrible person had dragged me back to this dopamine-starved otherworld. Grrr, I'm gonna smack-smack them into next week!!
But the moment I took in my surroundings, my curiosity evaporated on the spot. Lavish ornamentation and artwork filling a vast chamber, and an unmistakable architectural style. It was a building I'd laid eyes on countless times during my stay in the otherworld.
"This is... the imperial palace?"
In plain terms, the person who had summoned me back to the otherworld was—
Just as the outline of the situation was coming into focus, a familiar voice reached my ears.
"It has been a while, Hero."
A very, very squishy-sounding voice.
The Emperor of the otherworld I'd lived in. Simultaneously, the only super-nongnong beauty in that entire world who could stand shoulder to shoulder with me. One tier above even me — a TS nongnong beauty — a pure, one-hundred-percent pure-nongnong beauty.
"Historia-nim?"
It was Historia Katagrapho, Emperor of the Solaris Empire.
"Indeed. It has been a while, Sir Evermoon. Have you fared well?"
The Emperor, glimpsed again after so long, was as nongnong as ever. Not grown a single millimeter since the last time I'd seen her — a splendid nongnong beauty through and through.
And at the sight of her, a lewd little grin oozed across my face before I could stop it. The holy sword I'd been about to draw was quietly laid back to rest in its warehouse.
"Uhihihi."
"...H-how brazen!"
"Uhihihihi."
Oops, my bad. My true desire to pounce straight in and go walarallu all over the Emperor just slipped out. Ah, not that I had any intention of hiding my true self at this point. As any student of the craft knows, concealing one's identity as a member of the Nongnong Order is tantamount to death itself...!
"Before this proud nongnong flag, in service of the boundless glory of the free and just Nongnong Republic..."
"...Spouting incomprehensible nonsense as always, I see."
The Emperor, utterly failing to conceal her flusterment at my dopamine-overloaded antics after all this time. And the longer I watched her, the more uhihihi thoughts welled up from deep within me.
"Anyway, Sir Evermoon?"
"Yeees?"
"Do you know why We have summoned you once more?"
And right on cue, dangling the bait at the perfect moment — Historia-nim. The instant those words landed, an angel and a devil had already sprouted up inside my head.
Hold it back! What are you planning to do to your benefactor, whom you've only just reunited with?!
The angel in my head pleaded with me to, please, put my Nongnong Order identity to rest.
Ashamed of the Nongnong Order? Stand tall and proud!!
The devil, meanwhile, kept pouring temptation into my ear. And my choice required not one shred of deliberation.
"Obvi-carrotly, duh?"
"...Ohh. Then by all means, speak."
"Uhihihi, so you've finally become ready to be secret friends with this ajussi?"
I have always been a pursuer of dopamine. I had been until now, and I would be forever after.
"......"
"Uhihihi. Secret friends with ajussi~"
At the words secret friend, the Emperor's hands trembled violently, as though a fresh wave of PTSD had washed over her. And a moment later, a single phrase fell from Historia-nim's lips.
"S-Sir Sirius?"
"Yes, my liege."
"C-cut down that insolent creature, here and now...!"
"Understood. As you command."
It was an immediate death sentence.
"...Kkippya—WHAT?!"
Before I could even begin to process the sudden sentencing, a shadow closed the distance to me in the blink of an eye. And at the heart of that shadow, a familiar face came into view.
"Pai, it's been a whi—"
I waved in warm greeting — but sadly, the shadow answered not with a greeting, but with a sword. Aimed squarely at my head.
Any ordinary person would have had their skull pierced on the spot. But who was I, exactly? The strongest nongnong hero in recorded history — the one who took down the Demon God itself, no less.
The instant I raised my mana just a notch, the trajectory of the sword lunging toward me bent away in a flash.
"...Tch."
Toward the figure in the shadows, who sounded genuinely disappointed, I offered my greeting once more.
"Long time no see, Pai?"
"Yes. It has been a while, Serin."
Accompanied by a voice that somehow sounded thoroughly displeased, a single figure emerged from the shadows. A sharp-featured beauty dressed in a maid's uniform. The Emperor's bodyguard knight and loyal blade — and my swordsmanship instructor back in my hero days.
Pai Damocles, otherwise known as Sir Sirius. She was glaring at me with eyes that made it very clear she found me utterly distasteful.
"Hmmm? Why'd you do thaaat?"
"Haah... Disrespectful as ever, I see."
"Forgive me 'cause I'm cute?"
"......"
In response to my sneak-attack nongnong-beauty act, Pai stared at me as if I were the most absurd creature alive, then sank back into the shadows. I braced myself in case she'd stab me one more time, but thankfully, she did not.
Hm? How dare she attack her one and only hero like that? Well, because I happen to be waaaaay stronger than her, that's how? It might be UFC for her, but for me it's WWE, so it's all in good fun, no?
Anyway, I turned my gaze back to the Emperor who had just sentenced me to death.
"Boohoo, that's so meeeaan."
"......Haah."
The moment I gave her my best sorrowful look, another sigh popped right out of the Emperor's mouth.
"Thankfully, at least your skills have not rusted."
"Oh! Then does that mean ajussi and I—"
Zzzt—
I tried to press on with the nongnong-beauty act, but found myself unable to. A piercing stare from somewhere nearby was burning far too intensely. ...And Historia-nim looked extremely tired, too.
After all, a model member of the Nongnong Order must, above all else, work for the happiness of nongnong beauties. Having completed my nongli-jistic deliberations, I decided the pranks would end here.
"So? Why exactly did you call me here?"
"......"
"I got dragged all the way out here out of nowhere, you know? I nearly went full *cute girl profanity* back there!"
And so I asked the Emperor, once and for all, why she had summoned me back — but...
"...Hmm. Well, the thing is..."
Historia-nim was making a face as though agonizing over something terribly difficult. The face of someone debating, should I even tell her this?
"Don't agonize, just tell me. What on earth could be that bad?"
"...Haah. If you insist that strongly, then I shall tell you."
But at my question, the nongnong Emperor finally opened her mouth.
"To be blunt — We require your help."
"...Huh?"
And the moment Historia-nim's explanation continued, I froze solid on the spot.
Meanwhile, back in Seoul, Yeona and Semi were on their way to Serin's apartment.
"Ufufu, off to see our Serin~"
"...Would you keep it down, unnie? People can hear you."
"But it's been months, hasn't it?"
"That's you, unnie. Not me."
"Grrr, so now you're bragging about how often you see her? You deceiver!"
"Th-that's not what it is...!"
Their topic of conversation was Serin, and Serin alone.
"Huh? I wanna squish-squish that squishy-bouncy Serin's chubby butt cheeks too, you know!"
"I have never once done such a thing?! And seriously, lower your voice...!"
But even mid-conversation, Yeona's gaze kept drifting back to her phone.
Beep—beep—
"Honestly, why won't this kid pick up again..."
"Maybe she's asleep?"
"How does a person wake up at three in the afternoon and go back to sleep at seven?"
"...Fair point, actually?"
It was all because of Serin refusing to answer. It worried her a little, but then again, how long had Serin been dodging her calls? Since forever. She'd just give her a proper scolding once they got there — and with that pleasantly casual thought, the two of them arrived in front of Serin's door.
"This one, right? I'll ring the bell?"
"No need. I know the passcode, so I'll just let us in."
Beep—beep—beep—beep—chirrrring—!
The passcode was punched in without a shred of consideration for Serin's privacy. The door swung open, and—
"Serin! Unnie's here!"
"Hey, Iserin! Why aren't you answering your phone? I swear—"
The moment the two stepped inside Serin's room, they both sensed, all at once, that something was terribly off.
"...Iserin?"
"...Serin?"
An open refrigerator door. Serin's phone lying on the floor. And nowhere in the room was Serin.