Chapter 366: I’m Actually Not That Okay.
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 366: I’m Actually Not That Okay.
Once I decided to let go, I felt good.
Should I say my heart felt lighter?
“Until now, I’ve always just brushed things off, saying I was okay, no matter what happened.”
I had been desperately hiding it because I was so terrified of being hated or abandoned by someone, but it was a foolish thing to do.
“But the truth is, I wasn’t okay at all.”
A bitter smile escaped my lips.
Right, there was no way I could have been okay.
Naturally, I hated being in pain, and I was terrified of fighting strong enemies.
It was just that the fear of someone leaving my side was so much greater that I forced myself to believe I was fine.
Looking back, I think I might have truly been okay when I was a child.
My parents, who would beat me whenever they lost their tempers; the winters spent shivering in the cold because we had no heating; a home always filled with the sound of crying; a diet so poor that even eggs and ketchup were considered a special treat—all of it.
Since I had nothing to compare it to, I just accepted it as the way things were.
Even when I learned to read and my world expanded slightly, I could brush it off as simply things I didn’t possess.
But eventually, after stepping out into the world, being abandoned by my parents, and witnessing so much of what was considered ‘normal,’ I don’t think I could do that anymore.
I was envious of homes where the parents were kind.
I was envious of children who were only scolded when they complained about their side dishes.
I was so envious of the scenes on TV—parties, festivals, playing with family and being loved—that I wanted to imitate them.
But in a life so grotesquely unlucky, a life so damnably cruel, it seemed Fate found my longing for such things offensive. Every time I wished for something, it snatched away what was already in my hands.
Everyone I held in high regard or loved died.
Eventually, all my friends left my side as well.
Even the very last one remaining flickered as if they were about to vanish, and I felt that if I grew greedy, even they would disappear. So, I became unable to be greedy anymore.
That’s why I’m okay.
I’m happy enough as long as the current status quo is maintained.
I decided to tell myself that, because I felt like I would go insane if I didn’t.
“If I speak my mind, I’ll be hated. If I complain, they might get sick of me and leave. So I just said I was okay. Yeah… I think that’s how it was.”
The expressions of those listening to my story were so distorted that I couldn’t tell if they were angry or if they pitied me.
Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter now.
“But now, I can say it. I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay at all. It hurt so much, I felt so miserable, so resentful, so wronged, so depressed. I hated it.”
Yes, the more I spoke, the more refreshed I felt.
For some reason, I felt like I was going to cry, so I decided not to hold back and just let it out.
Once I pour all of this out, will it finally be over?
Will the empty version of me no longer be able to be called Kang So-hyun?
* * *
The boy, his face twisted in a mess as he shed black tears, burst into a sob that sounded almost like a beast. He was shrouded in a dark influence, as if rejecting everything that approached him.
It was a sight never seen from the usually calm boy.
Amidst the black tears and the swirling darkness, he hardly looked human, yet strangely, those watching him felt he looked more human now than ever before.
Even when a massive hole was blown through his stomach, even when he floundered in a world of nightmares, even when he was murdered by a monster and brought back to life—he had always said he was okay, that he understood. He had shown reactions that seemed to lack something essential to being human.
Perhaps what he was pouring out now was that very ‘something’ they had felt was missing.
The emotions he unleashed were so intense that just being near him made them feel as if his heart was being transmitted to theirs.
He looked like a monster, yet also like a young child who had never cried before and was finally letting it all out.
“…Right. There’s no way he was okay. I knew he couldn’t be, but…”
“This is too much. Did you really think we’d push you away just for complaining a little? I’m hurt.”
“Dummy. Loser. Moron. I’m going to spank you.”
Those who had already been battered and broken from charging repeatedly into the black barrier between them and him stood up once more.
They were desperate because they were certain they had to reach him before that lamentation ended—they felt this was their last chance to hold onto him.
However, the barrier surrounding him was so solid that it didn’t even waver no matter how hard they struck it, as if asserting that he and they belonged to different worlds.
Neither platinum-colored magic, nor numerous artifacts, nor swords imbued with heat, nor blades that cut through essence, nor gold-clad fists, nor the demonic energy of a Demon King—not even a combined strike from a Holy Sword and a Demonic Sword could tear down the wall blocking their path.
Even if they stood up with sheer grit and tried everything they could, some things were simply impossible.
Despair was called despair because it could not be overcome so easily.
And at the same time, a miracle was worshipped as divine because it shattered the very absurdity and despair that were impossible for humans to handle, providing hope.
“Finally, I’ve gathered them all.”
At the sudden voice, everyone present turned toward the source.
There stood the blonde woman, Sun Wukong. In each of her hands, she held a distinct energy: one so warm it felt like the soft glow of a spring day, and the other so piercingly cold it seemed to repel everything it touched.
Holding these flickering energies as if they were something precious, Sun Wukong faced them.
“I want to help that boy. Would you be willing to cooperate?”
She was someone they had considered an enemy, and in a way, the culprit behind this entire situation.
“Well, it’ll be difficult if you don’t help, but I’ll try to do it alone if I have to.”
But for them, the option to refuse the hand she extended didn’t even exist.
* * *
How much time had passed since I started crying?
I could feel that even the emotions that had been clinging to me like sludge were almost gone.
No matter how strong a fire is, it goes out when there is nothing left to burn; no matter how much water is stored in a dam, it eventually runs dry if it keeps being discharged.
Since I had been pouring it all out without any new replenishment, it was only natural for my emotions to run dry.
“Grow.”
However, if new fuel were to appear…
“Ruyi.”
If kindling is added to a dying ember, the flames can easily flare back up.
With a creaking sound, cracks began to appear in the black barrier that had remained unshaken.
“Ho, it’s sturdy. Then how about this?”
When I looked up, the blonde woman was looking down at me impassively.
“Pierce. Ruyi.”
At her command, Ruyi transformed into a sharp spear. Imbued with Divine Ability, it finally succeeded in piercing the black wall.
“Grow.”
And as Ruyi expanded from within the gap it had created, the once-solid wall finally crumbled.
Seeing that, I felt a surge of annoyance and resentment.
“…Why are you interfering?”
What did I do to deserve more interference? I’ve protected as much as I could. I even apologized.
I just wanted to cry my heart out for once because I felt so wronged, and now you’re stopping me from even doing that?
Are you saying I’m not even allowed to cry as I please?
“Now, I’ve broken the wall. Buy me some time until I finish the preparations.”
I charged forward in anger, but others blocked my path.
I didn’t have much emotion left for them, but was it a disconnect between my mind and body?
Perhaps the memory of treasuring them still remained in my physical form, because my swinging fist came to a halt.
The first to charge was Professor Cathy.
With movements so beautiful and precise they could only be described as perfect, she approached me.
A straight punch.
It was a bit bittersweet to feel nothing even after seeing the fist I had always thought was beautiful, but that was all.
As I parried the punch, a pure white blade approached next.
Her sword was one that cut through essence, but was it because her proficiency was still lacking?
It didn’t seem particularly threatening, so I was able to catch the incoming blade.
With a little pressure, the pure white sword shattered into pieces and scattered.
A whip imbued with demonic energy bound me, and flames and magic poured down.
Every single one was a threatening attack, so why did they feel so weak?
I used Reinforcement to shift up a gear and applied strength, easily breaking free from the restraints. But in the next moment, I felt the Reinforcement surrounding my body vanish.
Baek Seol, holding a dagger in each hand, rushed toward me.
The decision to charge after sealing my Talent might have been the best tactical choice, but perhaps thanks to the Fiery Eyes and Golden Pupils, I could read her movements without difficulty.
With a sensation as if I could see a few moments into the future, I evaded all her attacks. Spotting a small opening, I drove my fist into Baek Seol’s solar plexus.
The Hero with his holy-energy-clad Demonic Sword, and the pink-haired woman casting reinforcement magic on him.
You two are the last, then?
“I just want to rest now.”
At the words I spoke without much thought, the approaching sword came to a dead stop.
…Stopping in the middle of a fight? What an idiot.
Perhaps because Baek Seol had fallen, my Reinforcement returned. I shrouded my body in it and suppressed him with pure strength.
Seeing her master fall, the pink-haired one rushed forward, but her resistance was truly pathetic.
“Ugh…!”
After lightly brushing her aside, I grabbed her by the throat and lifted her up.
…Huh? I feel like this has happened before.
The white, slender neck felt like it would snap with just a little pressure. I recalled the pink eyes looking at me being full of rage and resentment.
No, that’s not it.
I thought it was a similar situation, but it was completely different.
What was contained in the eyes looking at me now was worry, a bit of apology, and urgency.
There was a clear difference from the eyes that looked like they wanted to kill me.
Well, not that it changed anything.
She looked too fragile to break, so I just tossed Yu-na aside. Wondering what would make them give up on me, I looked at what they were desperately trying to protect.
* * *
Two minutes.
That was the time it took for him to deal with all of us after we charged simultaneously.
We had all attacked at once, yet he had handled us one by one with such ease, as if he were merely subduing children.
— Ten minutes. If you can buy me just ten minutes, I will return him to you.
When she said that, I thought we could easily endure for ten minutes, but…
“…Professor, are you okay?”
“Ah, yes. I’m fine.”
In truth, there was no need to even ask. Except for Cadet Baek Seol, everyone had simply had their attacks neutralized or been pushed back; no one had been directly struck.
…Would it be too much of a ‘happy circuit’ to think that he was being considerate of us, even unconsciously?
“Wait? Now that I think about it, this is a bit unfair. Junior, why did you only hit me…?”
His gaze, stained black like an invert’s, turned toward Sun Wukong, who was sitting cross-legged.
Had he instinctively realized who the biggest obstacle to him was?
I threw myself forward to stop him as he charged, but it was impossible to even slow his momentum.
I had never imagined I would be in a position where I had to block So-hyun from the opposite side.
Had the enemies he faced until now felt this way?
Was it truly this absurd to face an enemy who simply kept getting stronger without limit?
They said we only needed to hold him for a moment, but I couldn’t hold him for even that moment.
Just as everyone was being knocked aside and he reached Sun Wukong, raising his fist, someone blocked his path.
“Hey, So-hyun. Let’s stop now. We have to go.”
Kang Ha-ni.
As she stood there, trembling but somehow blocking him, he paused and slowly lowered his fist. For a moment, everyone held onto a sliver of hope.
The hope that we still remained somewhere inside him.
However.
“Move.”
“Huh?”
Instead of the lowered fist, his hand reached out and gripped Kang Ha-ni’s throat, and that hope was shattered to pieces.
Perhaps we had been stubborn because we didn’t want to admit that neither affection nor guilt remained in the way he looked at us.
“Ke… ha…!”
* * *
Again.
Actually, I wasn’t trying to just grab her; I was trying to break her. But it was the same as when I grabbed Yu-na earlier.
The sensation of my body desperately resisting whenever I tried to apply force to break her.
It was clearly my own body, yet it was as if it remembered emotions that no longer existed. It was frustrating how it wouldn’t listen.
Eventually, the moment I let her go because my body wouldn’t cooperate, she ridiculously charged at me again.
“Aaaaaah…!”
…What are you going to do, charging at me while screaming?
It’s a life you barely managed to keep, so I wish you’d treasure it more.
I ignored her as she clung to my body like a hug and took a step forward.
If I couldn’t attack, I could just ignore her.
It was a bit difficult to walk with her holding onto my leg, but it wasn’t impossible.
“Don’t go…”
But while I was distracted, another girl grabbed my other leg.
It was pitiful to see her sobbing and telling me not to go, but it wasn’t enough to stop me from walking.
“…You really are something else.”
The moment I ignored them and took another step, the blonde woman, who had stood up at some point, was blocking my path.
“So-hyun. I’m sorry for making things hard for you until now. I’m sorry for being selfish even after hearing your heart. But, you know.”
Be quiet.
“We’ve finally heard your true feelings and stood at the starting line.”
“I said, be quiet.”
My heart had already left, but it was irritating how the memories remaining in my body still felt joy at those words and tried to respond.
“Can’t you wait just a little longer? We’ll work hard until you’re happy. Can’t you wait by our side?”
The disconnect between my mind, which was ready to leave, and my body, which wanted to remain here, manifested as nausea.
So, I decided to destroy it all.