Distance
She chattered without pause until the school gates came into view.
It was all trivial stuff—what kind of dream she'd had last night, how the porridge she'd eaten that morning had tasted. I let half of it wash over me, but I didn't mind hearing her voice beside me again.
Last night, Kim Seol-ah had said that even if you give up on someone, that doesn't mean the relationship itself has to end.
Thinking about it, she and I had been childhood friends since we were little. Even if we never became lovers, that wasn't a bond that would simply break. Even if we each found someone we liked, that would still hold true.
More than anything, she was still clumsy in so many ways. Climbing a single flight of stairs, managing a single meal—things like that were still a struggle for her on her own. Leaving a girl like that completely alone just didn't sit right with me.
So until someone else came along who could look after her, or until she could stand on her own two feet, I would have to stay by her side.
I'd already taken her bag earlier. But my hands wouldn't stop there—they kept wanting to do the next thing, and the next.
Looking back on it now, my morning routine had been set in stone. Waiting at her front gate, taking her bag, slowing my pace to match hers, checking whether she'd forgotten anything. That had been the start of every day for nearly ten years.
Now she needed to do some of those things on her own. Among the habits my hands had learned so thoroughly they moved without thinking, there were quite a few she was capable of handling herself—and that she needed to.
The words walk slowly rose all the way to the tip of my tongue before sinking back down. She was old enough now to manage that much on her own.
As we were about to cross the street, she looked the other way and nearly misstepped. My hand shot out first and caught her arm.
"You need to be careful. You're not exactly sturdy."
Catching someone about to fall was something anyone standing nearby would do. The problem was I didn't know when letting go would feel natural, so I stood frozen in that awkward moment for a beat.
She started walking again as if nothing had happened.
"Ji-an. Why'd you go eat with Seol-ah yesterday?"
"Just because. Seol-ah wanted to go."
"Hmph."
She pouted, looking somehow displeased. Wondering what had already gone wrong this early in the morning, I simply kept walking.
As we neared the school gates, a faint ache rose at the back of my head.
"Well, well. The original and his clone rolling in as a set for once."
Park So-yeon. Teasing me for coming alone the past few days must have become a habit, because the moment she saw me she tossed out a joke. Maybe because Han-gyul was beside me today, her voice was a little louder than usual.
"Did you eat well with Kim Seol-ah yesterday?"
Yesterday's noisy dinner table came to mind. It had been a strangely pleasant evening.
"Yeah. Better than I expected."
Park So-yeon snorted a laugh.
"The food at my place yesterday was terrible. Maybe I should've gone too."
"I should've invited you, then."
"Next time, let's all go. Anyway, enough of that—let's get inside. I'll just drop off my bag and come hang out later."
The moment we entered the classroom and sat down, she started rummaging through her bag. Whatever she was looking for wasn't turning up, and her hands grew more frantic.
"...Ji-an. My math homework from yesterday."
"You didn't do it?"
"I definitely did it, but where did it go?"
In the past, I would've just pushed mine over. Copy it or don't—her call.
But my hand stopped above the desk. This was the kind of thing she needed to learn to handle herself now.
"Check the side pocket of your bag too."
That was all I said instead. She dug through the side pocket, pulled out a crumpled sheet of paper, and beamed.
"Found it!"
It was nothing special, but seeing that smile made my fingertips itch. In the past, I would've taken the paper and smoothed it out carefully. I set my hands down on my knees.
"Ji-an."
"What."
"You're acting weird today."
"How so."
"I don't know. Just... a little."
She tilted her head, then quickly shifted her attention elsewhere.
After first period ended, she slumped over her desk and dozed off, nodding. Falling asleep every break was still the same as always.
In the past, I would've pulled the blanket from my locker and draped it over her. Today I just left her be, figuring she'd wake up on her own before the bell.
Watching her sleeping face, old scenes flickered past. Nights when I was about ten, sitting by her hospital bed until she fell asleep. A morning when we were fourteen, the first snow falling, wrapping a scarf around her neck again and again so she wouldn't catch a cold.
There were too many things my hands remembered. Looking at that peacefully sleeping face, the thought kept coming back—that she'd always been a girl who couldn't manage without me.
Folding up that feeling overnight wasn't easy.
During the break after second period, Park So-yeon really did come by. She cracked the door halfway open, stuck just her head in, and crooked a finger at me.
"Hey, clone. Come out here."
When I stepped into the hallway, Park So-yeon shoved her phone at me without preamble. Then she started whining that it was a game she'd just downloaded yesterday and that we should play together.
"It's a co-op stage—you can't clear it alone. You be the shield."
"Why am I always the shield?"
"Protecting people from behind is kind of your specialty."
I couldn't tell what she meant by that, so I just tapped the screen. Park So-yeon stuck right beside me, bossing me around with this and that. After clearing one round, I found myself quietly getting into it.
Hanging out like this with Park So-yeon lightened my head a little. Maybe it was because around her, there was nothing to weigh or measure.
Around Han-gyul, I'd spent the whole day reaching out and pulling back, tension settling into my shoulders without my noticing. Here, there was none of that—and somehow I could breathe a little freer.
"See? Fun, right?"
Park So-yeon tossed that out casually. She was smiling, but her eyes lingered on me a little longer than usual. Feeling oddly self-conscious, I looked back at the screen.
When third period ended, she suddenly poked me.
"Ji-an, Ji-an. I saw Yujin sunbae in the hallway earlier."
"Yeah?"
"I even said hi. He recognized me and waved back."
Her face was flushed bright red. Looking at that face didn't hurt as much as it used to. It wasn't completely painless, but by now it was something I could bear.
"That's great."
"Hehe."
She still got that excited telling me about someone I could never become. But now I could listen with a smile.
As long as I didn't get in the way of her freely approaching him, that was enough.
Maybe I should have been like this from the very beginning—from that day on the rooftop when she first told me about him.
At lunch, she sat beside me again. Naturally, the way she always had.
While eating, I had to stop my hands several more times. Reaching to move the soup bowl closer to her, then catching myself. About to pick out side dishes for her, then stopping.
Moving a soup bowl and picking out side dishes—she could do those things herself now.
And still my hands moved first, and my mind only caught them after the fact.
After lunch I headed to the library. The book I'd borrowed a few days ago was nearly finished, and at this hour Kim Seol-ah would be there.
The library was truly quiet for the first time in a long while, like a scene from old memories. As I set the book on the return desk, a familiar voice drifted over from inside.
"I was starting to think you weren't coming today."
Kim Seol-ah. She was holding a half-folded book in her own hand.
"I came to return a book."
"Excuses. You could just say you came."
I didn't really have a denial ready, so I just swallowed my reply.
Because half of it really was why I'd come.
Kim Seol-ah set her book down on the return desk beside mine with a soft thud. Then she crossed her arms and looked me up and down.
"Did you finish that book you were reading yesterday?"
"About halfway."
"There's a twist later, so look forward to it."
"Don't spoil it."
"I didn't."
"Just saying there's a twist is already half a spoiler, isn't it?"
"If I don't drop at least that much, who would finish something that thick?"
"Thanks to you, the second half just got boring. Now the ending's obvious."
"Obvious, my foot. This is your first book by that author, right?"
"So what."
"This writer always flips things one more time at the end. Thinking you've got it figured out and then getting blindsided—that's their specialty."
"They pull the same obvious trick twice?"
"That's exactly why it works. You think once they've flipped it, it's over."
"...Okay, now I'm a little curious."
"See? And you were pretending not to care."
Kim Seol-ah crossed her arms triumphantly. I looked away for no good reason and swallowed my reply.
It was pointless banter, but strangely comfortable. Being able to talk like this without reading the room felt unfamiliar lately—and not bad.
"But you."
Kim Seol-ah drew out the end of her sentence.
"You came with Woo Han-gyul this morning. Up until yesterday you were walking around looking like you were about to cry."
"Who was about to cry."
"Whatever. If you two are getting along again that fast, good for you."
She said it while tapping her book against the return desk. For someone saying it was good, she sounded oddly sulky.
"What book did you check out?"
When I changed the subject, Kim Seol-ah finally uncrossed her arms. She started chattering again about the book she was going to borrow and what it was like.
After the closing ceremony, when I stepped out through the school gates, Park So-yeon and Kim Seol-ah were already outside. With Han-gyul stuck to my side as well, the four of us walked in the same direction side by side.
Normally it was a path just the two of us walked—her and me. Today, with four of us strung out front to back, the alley I passed through every day felt oddly unfamiliar. If any one of us fell silent it might have gotten awkward, but there was no room for that.
Park So-yeon brought up the game from earlier again, and while I was answering her I briefly looked away from Han-gyul. Then, from beside me, she quietly tugged on my sleeve.
"Ji-an. What's that game? Tell me too."
"It's nothing special."
"If it's nothing special, why are you only playing it with So-yeon?"
She pouted again.
"Does something hurt?"
"...No."
When I reached to feel her forehead, she whipped her head away. A sick person wouldn't dodge that energetically.
From the other side, Kim Seol-ah snorted.
"I guess even all that looking after still isn't enough for her."
"What is."
"Nothing. If you don't get it, never mind."
Kim Seol-ah kicked a pebble with the tip of her shoe. Park So-yeon, beside me, laughed quietly so only I could hear.
"You sure stay busy herding this many people around."
I was about to ask what she meant, but Park So-yeon was already looking the other way, playing innocent.
Han-gyul, walking ahead, turned back and waved for me to hurry up. I picked up my pace and fell in among the four of us.