Kim Seol-ah (1): Without Someone to Care For
Kim Seol-ah.
The bell rang, marking the end of free period.
The classroom erupted into noise in an instant. Amid the rush of footsteps pouring toward the cafeteria, Park So-yeon came up to my desk.
"Hey, Lee Ji-an. Hurry up. The line's gonna get long if we're late."
"Yeah. Just a sec."
I stood as I answered.
"I have to go get Han-gyul."
"...Ah."
"Want to go ahead?"
"No. I'll come with."
Park So-yeon answered shortly.
Next month, she'd said.
Mother's words from that morning kept rising back up. Next month, my real mother would come home. And then — what face was I supposed to wear in that house?
Even walking the hallway, my mind kept rolling in that direction.
My feet carried me toward Woo Han-gyul's classroom on their own.
How do you even greet someone? If she asks how I've been, what do I say? She'll stay a few days and leave again. In the meantime, do I go to Mother's house, or stay at my parents' house?
I couldn't begin to tell which was right, so I just folded the thought away. And still it kept unfolding again.
It would be the first time seeing her face in years, and already that seat felt uncomfortable. How ridiculous, that the name son could feel this awkward.
It hadn't always been like this.
When I came home from school, there used to be someone waiting at the front door. Someone who asked if I'd eaten when I was late, who piled on trivial nagging.
I'd thought that was just how things were.
Suddenly, I missed my mom.
...I missed my real mom.
My throat went hot, and I clenched my teeth. Almost twenty years old, and this was the state I was in.
I shook my head. Thinking about it wouldn't do any good.
Park So-yeon seemed to say something beside me. I answered with a vague yeah.
I couldn't quite remember what she'd been talking about.
We arrived in front of Woo Han-gyul's classroom.
Kids were pouring out into the hallway after class. In that crowd, two familiar faces appeared.
Woo Han-gyul and Kim Seol-ah.
Woo Han-gyul stood by the door, staring blankly out the window. Then she spotted me, and her eyes went wide.
"Ji-an!"
She ran over. Then stuck right to my side.
"Did you come to get me?"
"Yeah. Let's go eat."
"Okay!"
Woo Han-gyul grinned ear to ear. It had been a few days since I'd seen that face.
I looked at it briefly, then started walking forward. If I looked too long, something might start to waver again.
Kim Seol-ah, coming out behind them, took in the scene and narrowed her eyes in disbelief.
"Is that the same kid who was nodding off in class earlier and got caught? She's been drooping around all day since morning, and the second she sees this guy's face she suddenly comes back to life."
"Huh? Did she?"
"I don't know. She just seems a little better when Ji-an shows up."
"Let's just go eat."
Kim Seol-ah took the lead. Woo Han-gyul scurried up beside her and started chattering about something. She'd already said several times that they were serving pork cutlet for lunch today.
Fallen asleep in class, huh.
I turned my head and checked her complexion.
She did look a little tired. Other than that, nothing seemed particularly off. No fever in her cheeks, and her lips weren't cracked.
She must have been sleeping poorly lately. I let it go and looked away.
My mind was already back at the breakfast table that morning. At the news I'd heard through Mother's voice.
And so the four of us headed to the cafeteria.
We got our trays and found seats.
Woo Han-gyul sat next to me. As if it were the most natural thing in the world. Across from me sat Kim Seol-ah, and next to her — across from Han-gyul — sat Park So-yeon.
Ha Yujin was at a table over there, laughing with the main heroines.
Kim Seol-ah sat with her back to that direction, staring silently down at her tray.
Even with the tray in front of me, I couldn't quite bring myself to eat. I just kept picking up my chopsticks and setting them down again.
What had I been doing, sitting at that table?
There was a spoon set out, so I sat. Mother told me to sit, so I sat. But whose seat had that been from the beginning?
Mother would have set that table even without me. Because she had a daughter. There had always been someone Mother needed to look after, and I'd just been one extra spoon placed there.
I moved the side dish bowls on Woo Han-gyul's tray to the left. She was left-handed, so she had trouble reaching things on the far right.
I pushed the pork cutlet plate closer to her hand, tore open the sauce packet, and drizzled it over the top. I opened the milk carton, stuck in a straw, set it beside her, and pulled the soup bowl inward so it wouldn't catch on her elbow.
And still my thoughts stayed at that morning.
Yeon-jin called.
When Mother said those words, her face had looked a little awkward. Why had she looked awkward? She must have known. What it meant for me to hear that news from her.
The reason I'd been able to eat at that house was because of the things I'd been doing. What were they again. Taking care of this kid's medicine, feeding her, walking her to school. Things like that.
So if I stopped doing those things, then I—
"Hehe. Thanks, Ji-an."
Woo Han-gyul's voice snapped me back to myself.
Looking down, my hands were over her tray. I'd been cutting the pork cutlet into bite-sized pieces.
...Since when.
I set down the chopsticks and pulled my hands back. But the hands I'd withdrawn had nowhere to go, hovering awkwardly in the air.
For a moment I didn't know what these hands were supposed to do.
I'd decided to step back, and here I was doing this.
I'd learned this morning that I had no right to sit in that seat. So these hands should stop too.
But if they stopped, what would I become?
My hands moved again. I was pushing the milk carton a little closer to her. Fiddling again with something I'd already set out.
The moment that thought landed, a chill ran down my back.
The instant I withdrew these hands, I would lose any reason to sit beside her. If there was no need to move her side dishes or manage her medicine, then what kind of person was I, sitting here?
What was I without someone to care for?
I became nothing.
At Mother's house I'd been the kid who looked after someone, and at my parents' house I'd been someone who dropped by occasionally. Take those two away and I couldn't begin to imagine what was left of me.
Why was I still in this other world?
With no place at my parents' house and no place at Mother's house, I'd only been able to attach myself somewhere while these hands were moving.
I'd kicked that away myself, and still I couldn't let go.
Just then, something bumped against my shin under the table.
I looked up to find Kim Seol-ah across from me, watching. She must have kicked my leg with the tip of her foot.
Only then did I look at my own tray.
The rice was almost untouched. The pork cutlet sat there in one whole piece. I'd cut up everyone else's food and hadn't touched my own.
Throughout the meal, Woo Han-gyul chattered excitedly.
"So-yeon. I watched that drama yesterday and the male lead just suddenly disappears."
"Oh, I saw that too. He comes back in the next episode."
"Really? Wow, what a relief!"
It was a noisy table.
But in the middle of all that noise, only Kim Seol-ah was quiet.
She wasn't particularly close with either Woo Han-gyul or Park So-yeon. She was only sitting here because of me. With no conversation to join, she just ate in silence.
I should have said something.
Yesterday it had been her who'd set down her spoon and left this table. Today she was sitting here without running away.
A guilty feeling rose, and I thought about starting a conversation.
But before I could, Kim Seol-ah set down her chopsticks first.
"Hey."
"Yeah."
"Where's your head been this whole time?"
I was briefly at a loss for words.
"You haven't been eating — just fiddling with other people's food. You know your soup's gone completely cold?"
Her tone was blunt, but somewhere in it there was a scolding. I didn't know how to answer and just opened and closed my mouth.
Woo Han-gyul finally looked at my tray too, eyes going round.
"Huh? Ji-an, why aren't you eating? You always say you have to finish your rice."
"I was eating."
"Liar. It hasn't gone down at all."
Kim Seol-ah crossed her arms and looked straight at me.
"That meal you said you'd buy."
"Huh?"
"I'm buying dinner tonight, so come with me after school."
It was sudden. I found myself asking back without thinking.
"Today?"
"Yeah. Today. Why, is that a problem?"
There was no reason it would be. Going home in the evening just meant sitting alone at that wide table anyway.
And honestly, today of all days, I didn't want to go back early to that quiet house.
"...Yeah. Okay."
"Don't give me any excuses. Wait for me at the school gate. If you run, you're actually dead."
Kim Seol-ah left it at that and picked up her chopsticks again. As if she'd said everything she needed to say.
Beside me, Woo Han-gyul looked back and forth between me and Kim Seol-ah with a bewildered face.
"Huh? Ji-an isn't eating with me tonight?"
"Yeah."
"...Why? You didn't eat with me yesterday either."
Her voice sank. She was even sticking out her lower lip.
I didn't know what to say and fell silent for a moment. Then Kim Seol-ah spoke for me.
"I owe this guy something, so I'm paying him back. Can I borrow him for one day?"
Woo Han-gyul puffed out her cheeks and looked up at me. Then finally nodded weakly.
"...Okay. But tomorrow you really have to eat with me."
Then she started scooping rice without another word. Her chopsticks moved noticeably slower than before.
The noisy table had gone quiet at some point. Only the sound of eating remained.
I took a spoonful of the cold soup.
It was lukewarm. But strangely, for the first time in a long while, the school lunch tasted good.
I didn't know why. For the first time in a long while, I was able to finish every last bit of the remaining rice.