Park So-yeon (2)
Before I knew it, classes were over and end-of-day homeroom had finished.
As I packed my bag, the words I'd said to Park So-yeon earlier that day suddenly came back to me.
"So-yeon, let's talk later."
That was what I'd left her with as I walked off to find Kim Seol-ah in the cafeteria, leaving So-yeon behind. I'd said "later," yet the whole day had slipped by without me making good on it.
Even when she'd come looking for me during break, it had fizzled out in the end. Come to think of it, her expression hadn't been great when I left.
I felt like I owed her. It was nothing major, but if I just let it slide, it would keep nagging at me for a long time.
As I slung my bag over my shoulder, a familiar presence approached from the side.
"Ji-an. Let's go together."
It was Woo Han-gyeol. The moment homeroom ended, she was reaching for the edge of my sleeve the way she always did. Even with the distance I'd put between us these past few days, she still came up for the walk home like it was the most natural thing in the world. That was just like her.
It had always been the walk home where I looked after her and took her along. Normally I would have said sure and taken her bag.
But today I had something I needed to do.
"Sorry. I've got something to talk about with So-yeon today."
The moment the words left my mouth, Woo Han-gyeol's face visibly stiffened.
This was probably the first time I'd ever turned down the walk home first. She seemed to realize that too.
"...Okay. Got it."
Leaving just those words, Woo Han-gyeol quietly withdrew the hand she'd stretched out.
Then, looking dejected, she packed her bag and left the classroom alone.
Watching her shrinking back, I didn't feel entirely at ease.
Still, she needed to get used to walking home without me now. I couldn't look after her anymore. Even as I told myself that, my gaze stayed fixed on the door she'd left through, reluctant to leave it.
I put on my bag and headed for Park So-yeon's class.
It was just the next room over—a few steps away. In the hallway, students heading home were trickling out here and there. Peeking through the back door, I saw Park So-yeon still sitting at her desk, packing her bag.
"So-yeon."
When I called, Park So-yeon looked up. Her eyes went round for a moment at the sight of me, then she grinned.
"Oh. What's this? You coming to find me for once."
"I said we'd talk later at lunch. I came to finish the conversation we couldn't have earlier."
"...Yeah."
Park So-yeon paused for a second.
Then, packing the rest of her bag, she spoke as if it were nothing.
"What, you took that seriously? I was just saying it."
She said that, but her hands packing the bag seemed a little faster than before.
"Sorry about the cafeteria earlier. Leaving you mid-meal to go off on my own."
"It's fine. It's not like it's the first or second time."
Not the first or second? Had I left Park So-yeon behind before? I racked my memory briefly, but nothing came to mind.
"It really wasn't a big deal. I just had somewhere I needed to go in a hurry."
"...Somewhere to go. Hmm."
Park So-yeon's face said she knew exactly where that "somewhere" was. She'd been right there and seen Kim Seol-ah rush out of the cafeteria first and me following after. But she didn't bring it up. That silence of knowing but not pointing it out stung more somehow than if she'd pressed me.
Park So-yeon slung her bag over her shoulder with a thump and stood up. She was smiling, but the smile looked a little loose somehow.
"Whatever. Let's just go home. We're heading out anyway."
She and I left the classroom side by side.
Through the hallway windows, the sunlight slanting toward evening stretched long. As we walked the sparsely populated corridor, Park So-yeon spoke first.
"But you've been a little weird lately."
"Me?"
"Yeah. Like your head's somewhere else. The kid who used to stick to Han-gyeol like glue has been going around alone these past few days. Even now, you came without Han-gyeol."
Park So-yeon side-eyed me. She was smiling, but her eyes didn't seem to be.
"So what's going on with Han-gyeol? When we were eating lunch earlier, I thought I was going to suffocate next to you guys. It was like a funeral or something."
The question came out of nowhere. I chose my words carefully for a moment.
"Nothing much. Just some things I need to sort out."
"Sort out. Hmm."
Park So-yeon made that "hmm" sound again. I had no idea how many times I'd heard it today.
Park So-yeon seemed about to say something more, her lips twitching. I glanced at her profile for a moment.
But in the end, Park So-yeon swallowed whatever she'd been about to say and changed the subject.
"Whatever. If you don't want to talk about it, forget it."
She backed off surprisingly easily. I'd expected her to dig deeper.
I wondered what words she'd swallowed, but I didn't ask either. That lightness of not pressing and letting it go felt oddly welcome today.
We walked in silence to the school gate. Come to think of it, this was the first time we'd walked this long without talking. The talking had always been Park So-yeon's job, and mine was listening. Yet somehow it wasn't awkward. Maybe because we'd known each other so long.
Glancing beside me, Park So-yeon's profile dyed in the sunset looked a little more mature than usual. She was always the loud, laughing, chattering type, so this quiet face was unfamiliar. I felt like I should say something, but nothing suitable came to mind, so I just looked ahead.
Whether she noticed my gaze or not, Park So-yeon shot back in her usual tone.
"What? Why are you staring?"
That one line quietly scattered the strange feeling from a moment ago.
At the intersection ahead, Park So-yeon stopped walking.
"I'm this way. You're that way, right?"
"Yeah."
It was the point where our home directions split. Whenever we walked home together, we always parted ways here at this intersection.
"See you. I'm letting you off the hook for today."
Park So-yeon fluttered her hand in a wave and turned away.
I set off in the opposite direction too. After a few steps, something made me glance back, but Park So-yeon was already walking off into the distance.
My steps turning around felt lighter than I expected. Maybe because it was the first walk home in twenty years where I wasn't looking after anyone—just walking.
But that strangely quiet profile dyed in the sunset lingered oddly long. I never did find out what words Park So-yeon had swallowed.
After turning around and walking a few steps, I quietly stopped and looked back.
Lee Ji-an was receding into the distance the other way.
That "let's talk later" from earlier in the day. Honestly, I'd already forgotten those words. I never thought he'd actually come looking for me to keep them.
When he showed up, my heart did drop for a second. That was true.
I'd hoped, just for a very brief moment. That maybe he'd come because leaving me behind at lunch was weighing on him. That maybe he had something special to say to me.
Foolishly, I'd gotten my hopes up again.
It was always like this in front of him. Even knowing full well it wasn't the case, my heart would swell up on its own first.
I'd been like this since elementary school, and I still hadn't learned. The heart was so stubbornly foolish—even after getting burned a hundred times, it reached out a hundred and first.
But of course it wasn't. What he'd come for was just that. That one line about talking later. His personality couldn't leave even a thrown-away word lying around, so he'd just come to pick it up.
No substance to the talk, just coming to collect the empty shell of the words. Such a thoroughly Lee Ji-an kind of sincere wasted trip.
He took the words he'd spit out so heavily, yet he couldn't see the heart stretched out toward him. The kind of face that would just believe "no special meaning" at face value and feel grateful. Well, that was why I'd been like this since elementary school.
He only looked at Woo Han-gyeol. And I only looked at him like that. Everyone living so amicably, staring only at places that never touched. Whether to laugh or cry.
But if I had to choose, I wanted to laugh. Crying wouldn't change anything, and more than anything, sniffling in front of him wasn't my style. The role that suited me was the one making him laugh.
And today too, in the end, the topic of our conversation had been Woo Han-gyeol.
When I asked what was going on, that shadow that crossed his face. That line about having things to sort out. I knew it was all because of Woo Han-gyeol. What else could be the reason he'd been going around like that for days?
Even coming to find me, his head was still full of Woo Han-gyeol, and I'd watched that from beside him again today.
Funny. That "later" I'd waited for all day had been just this. But the funnier thing was that I still took that "just this" carefully in both hands.
Truth was, earlier in the hallway, I'd almost pressed him once. Sort out? What did he mean by sorting out, and how? Was he maybe planning to give up on those feelings? The follow-up had risen right to my throat, but in the end I'd crushed it all down with a laugh again.
The ridiculous part was that the moment that thought crossed my mind, my heart had raced on its own again. Thinking if he gave up, maybe a chance would come for me too. How cunning.
But that hope was scary instead. Up until now, I'd found comfort in that half-step behind, with the excuse that he only looked at Woo Han-gyeol. If that excuse disappeared, the reason I couldn't approach would be entirely my own cowardice. And there was no guarantee that the next place after a folded heart would be me.
I'd known from the start where that "somewhere to go" was. He'd gone after Kim Seol-ah. The reason I didn't point it out even though I'd seen it clearly wasn't because I didn't know, but because I didn't want to hear him say so from his own mouth. Nothing makes a person more wretched than having what you already know confirmed.
Still, I smiled. Fluttering my arm in a wave. Saying I'd let him off the hook for coming to repay that from lunch. Acting like it was nothing.
Because that was all I could do.
I decided that him coming to find me alone was enough for today. Even if it was an empty promise. Even if it was just his back.
Even after soothing my heart like that, my feet wouldn't move. I stood there for no reason until Lee Ji-an's receding back disappeared around the alley corner.
Today too, I was half a step behind him.
But today, that half-step seemed a little closer somehow. At least today, he'd come to find me of his own free will. Substance or not, coming to find me was coming to find me.
By tomorrow, I'd be next to him again with a nonchalant face, tossing out silly jokes. Collecting the day's crumbs from half a step behind like that. Even knowing, I couldn't let this go.