Someone Else's Seat
Lately, Ji-an has been a little strange.
As I picked up my lunch tray, that thought suddenly crossed my mind.
He hasn't come to pick me up in the mornings, and he doesn't play with me during breaks either. It's been like this for several days already. Ji-an, who used to stick to me like a shadow every single day, has felt oddly distant these past few days.
Why?
Did I do something wrong? Or is he sick? No, Ji-an's always been healthy, unlike me...
I thought about it for a long time, but I couldn't figure out why.
For the past few days, mornings have felt so empty and boring.
Ji-an always used to wait for me in front of my house, but lately he just doesn't come. It's so mean. Walking to school alone is so boring.
There's no one to talk to, and why is my bag so heavy? I kicked at pebbles with my toes as I walked, for no reason at all.
Ji-an's probably just busy. He must have some reason.
I decided not to think any further than that. Thinking deeply is a hassle, and the answer always came from Ji-an anyway.
Yeah. It'll be fine again soon.
Ji-an has always been by my side. Whether I was sick or not, more often than Mom and Dad, he stayed with me more.
A few days of distance doesn't mean he'll just disappear. In a little while, he'll come pick me up again like before, carry my bag, and take care of everything next to me.
That's just the kind of person Ji-an is. He's always been there for me, as a matter of course. Unlike Dad.
Thinking that, my heart eased right away, and I folded the thought up and put it away.
Seol-ah was standing next to me.
Seol-ah and I had just come to the cafeteria after taking the same class.
I glanced sideways at Seol-ah.
Seol-ah looked somehow grumpy. She wasn't talking much, and there seemed to be thorns coming off her somehow, so I was a little scared to start a conversation.
Still, I didn't dislike Seol-ah. No, I actually liked her.
Because Seol-ah is Senior Yu-jin's childhood friend!
The moment that thought hit me, my eyes sparkled and I leaned toward Seol-ah without realizing it.
"Seol-ah! You've known Senior Yu-jin since you were little?"
"......Yeah."
Seol-ah answered shortly, still looking straight ahead.
Ji-an said conversations are something you do facing each other, but she answered roughly without even looking at me. Mean!
Wow. Childhood friends. Then is it like me and Ji-an? Then Seol-ah must know everything about Senior Yu-jin.
I found that somehow amazing and enviable, so words kept spilling out.
"Then you must know a lot about Senior Yu-jin! What color does he like? What food does he like, and what does he do on his days off?"
"......"
Instead of answering, Seol-ah tightened her grip on her chopsticks. Then she let out something like a tiny sigh.
"No...... Ha."
Huh. Did I ask too many questions?
But why is Seol-ah so grumpy? Did I ask something wrong? No. I just talked about the senior a bit.
Isn't it nice when someone asks about your childhood friend? When someone asks me about Ji-an, it makes me happy...
I tilted my head for a moment, but I forgot about that right away too. Just thinking about Senior Yu-jin and Ji-an made me feel good again.
Then I got excited all by myself again, and the corners of my mouth slowly crept up.
As I got my lunch and looked for a seat, I saw a familiar face at a table over there.
It was Ji-an.
What? Ji-an was here. I should hurry over and eat with him.
But something felt a little off.
So-yeon was sitting next to Ji-an. The two of them were chatting away, looking quite close.
Huh. When did Ji-an and Park So-yeon get that close?
I know So-yeon too. We're not as close as with Ji-an, but we've been friends since elementary school, running into each other coming and going. But were they close enough to sit side by side like that, laughing and talking? This is the first I've seen it.
My chest felt tight, like something was stuck.
Nah. Ji-an and So-yeon take the same classes, so they probably just started talking a bit. It's nothing.
I headed toward Ji-an with my tray in my usual steps. To sit in my seat, like always.
But then Seol-ah moved a step ahead of me.
Without any hesitation, Seol-ah set her tray down right across from Ji-an with a clack.
"......Huh?"
Looking at the seat next to Ji-an, Park So-yeon was sitting there. And the opposite seat had just been taken by Seol-ah.
Oh. There's no seat for me.
I pouted my lips a little.
Ugh. That seat next to Ji-an is mine. The one I always sit in.
Why is everyone sitting in my seat. Che. Everyone's mean.
I felt a little wronged, but I couldn't exactly ask them to move either. I hesitated, then quietly set my tray down next to Seol-ah.
Well, this is close enough to Ji-an, so it's fine.
But I kept feeling disappointed. I always sat right next to Ji-an, sharing side dishes and talking about this and that. Today, with people in between, Ji-an somehow felt far away.
But why does he feel distant? He's right in front of me.
I didn't really understand that feeling, so I just decided to eat.
Once I sat down, my head filled up with other thoughts again.
Sitting all together like this feels really nice somehow.
There's Ji-an, and Ji-an's friend, and Seol-ah who's Senior Yu-jin's childhood friend.
If Senior Yu-jin were here too, it would be perfect. How fun would it be if we all got close? The four of us—no, the five of us—eating together in a big group, and going out somewhere on days off.
Senior Yu-jin and Ji-an would definitely get along well. They're both good people. It would be nice if Seol-ah and Ji-an became friends too.
If we all stayed close, every day would feel like a field trip.
I'm so sick of the hospital.
Even the mood that had briefly sunk rose again with the imagining. When I felt down like this, I would often lose myself in my own fantasies.
It was the same when I was lying in the hospital room. Watching the people on TV noisily gathering and playing, I wished I could hang out with friends like that someday too. How nice it would be to laugh and chatter all together.
For me, who'd spent so long only in a hospital room, friends were always something that existed only beyond the television. A envious scene I could never reach no matter how far I stretched my hand.
But now that dream seemed to be becoming real little by little. I'd met Senior Yu-jin, and Ji-an had friends now too. The day we all gather seemed to be getting closer, so I felt happy.
Just imagining it made me happy, and I grinned to myself.
"What, are you guys close?"
Then a familiar voice reached me.
My head snapped up.
It was Senior Yu-jin!
Senior Yu-jin was standing there with his tray, smiling brightly.
In that instant, my heart pounded. Both cheeks burned hot, and I didn't even know where to put the chopsticks in my hand.
Just having the person I like right in front of me made my mind go completely blank.
"So Han-gyeol and Seol-ah know each other. That's surprising."
As Senior Yu-jin said that, he sat right down next to me.
With the senior sitting right beside me, I was even more at a loss. I was supposed to eat, but my hands were shaking so I kept missing with my chopsticks, and when the senior spoke to me, my voice shrank.
Even so, I kept glancing toward the senior. Looking close up, he seemed even cooler. Even his casted arm looked somehow reliable.
Senior Yu-jin is a really good person. He's been like that since I first met him in high school.
He always smiles brightly, starts conversations first, and tells lots of funny stories. Being with the senior just felt good. I don't really know why it feels good, but it just does.
Having spent so much time only in a hospital room, I hadn't seen many people who smile that brightly up close. Maybe that's why even more.
Hehe, today is a really lucky day. Eating lunch together with Senior Yu-jin like this.
See, gathering all together is nice. If we keep running into each other like this, maybe we really can all get close.
My head swelled up fluffy and pink with more rosy imaginations.
But something about the atmosphere was a little off.
Seol-ah, sitting across from me, suddenly set her spoon down with a clack.
"I'm going first."
Leaving only that short remark, Seol-ah stood up abruptly with her tray. Then she strode off without looking back.
Huh? Why is Seol-ah like that? She hasn't even finished eating. Where's she going all of a sudden?
I couldn't make sense of it at all. Why someone who'd been fine until just now was suddenly acting like that.
But what was even stranger was what came next.
After Seol-ah left, Ji-an quietly watched her back, then stood up himself with his tray and slipped away.
"Huh? Ji-an, where are you going?"
I asked, but Ji-an just answered something briefly and followed after Seol-ah.
He always tells me I have to finish my food even if I don't want to, and now he's leaving with half of it left. Where's he going?
And even So-yeon, who'd been next to Ji-an, quietly got up and followed the two of them out.
It was truly in an instant.
The table that had been bustling until just now was left with only me and Senior Yu-jin, sitting there alone.
"Senior, um......"
I tried to say something, then just closed my mouth.
My head was so full of thoughts of Ji-an that even though the senior I like was right in front of me, I couldn't think of a single thing to say.
It was strange.
Just a moment ago, being alone with Senior Yu-jin had felt like a dream. Now that joy seemed to have fled somewhere far away.
I stared blankly at the empty seats where people had left.
What?
Why is everyone acting like this?
I don't know why Seol-ah left, or why Ji-an followed Seol-ah, or why Park So-yeon left with them either.
It felt like something was happening that only I didn't know about.
Like everyone knows something, but I'm the only one who doesn't know what it is. That kind of weird feeling.
My two hands fidgeted under the table, lost. I could feel Senior Yu-jin looking at me, but my gaze kept turning only toward the back door of the cafeteria where Ji-an had gone out.
My heart was pounding, but it wasn't the pleasantly ticklish feeling from earlier.
Ji-an, what expression am I supposed to make right now? What am I supposed to say to the senior?
Every time something like this happens, Ji-an used to tell me what to do. No matter how much I called for him inside, the Ji-an who always whispered the answers next to me wasn't there, so suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe. Even looking at Senior Yu-jin's kind face, I couldn't bring myself to smile.
"...Han-gyeol, aren't you going to eat?"
At Senior Yu-jin's voice, I flinched and hunched my shoulders. The chopsticks I was holding hit the tray with a loud clack.
I want to find Ji-an right away. Without Ji-an, even being alone with the senior I like isn't fun at all.
Ji-an, where did you go? You always told me what to do at times like this, so why are you leaving me behind?