Walking Etiquette Manual
I hadn't even bothered to change my clothes.
In my dust-covered plain dress, scuffed shoes, and disheveled hair, I sank deep into the sofa.
"Your Majesty, the Pest Chief of Police has arrived."
Instead of replying to Countess Esterházy-Lichtenstein's report, I just crooked a finger.
The door opened, and in he came, panting heavily.
"Y-Your Imperial Majesty! Might I ask why Your humble servant has been summoned at this early hour..."
You know damn well why. No one in Hungary doesn't know about the woman who ran off. How could you not have any info on her?
With all the spies I've planted.
You're just going to let Esterházy do this?
"Chief of Police, this is in the presence of Her Majesty the Empress. Observe proper etiquette."
Esterházy spoke more sternly than when she was drilling manners into me.
"Daring to raise your head without permission, breathing like some beast who doesn't know protocol. If this were the Hofburg, you'd be hauled to trial on the spot for that insolence alone."
"S-Sorry—"
"Correct your posture before apologizing. She is Her Majesty the Empress, no matter her appearance. There's only one etiquette you need to observe. Bend your knee and lower your gaze."
Under Esterházy's blazing authority, Thays dropped to his knees in a panic and bowed his head.
"Esterházy."
"Your command, Your Majesty."
"My morning walk has left me tired."
You were right outside the door—did I have to shout myself hoarse?
No sooner had I finished than Esterházy added coldly, turning to Thays.
"Chief, did you hear? Her Majesty has graciously permitted you to approach."
Thays rose cautiously, sweat beading on his brow.
Then, per regulations, he took exactly three steps before stopping and bowing deeply once more.
One, two, three.
Normally, the Empress would crook a finger or nod here to allow the next advance.
But I lounged crookedly on the sofa, staring blankly at the ruined heel of my shoe.
The moment he started to straighten up slyly—
"Halt."
Esterházy pointed out the breach again.
"Her Majesty has not yet accepted your greeting."
"……!"
"Do you dare raise your head without Her Majesty's permission? Back to position."
Thays's face was turning red—whether from strain or embarrassment.
He bent at the waist again.
The longer I stayed silent, the more visibly his legs trembled.
Is there a better torture tool than this?
I finally raised my hand slightly, accepting his bow.
But this wasn't over.
He took three more steps and bowed again before me.
"Esterházy, this shoe heel is bothering me."
I deliberately wiggled one foot.
"The broken heel is clattering around—it's so annoying."
Esterházy reacted instantly to my complaint.
"Her Majesty is not yet ready to receive your greeting."
He froze in an awkward half-bow, neither straightening nor bending further.
I left him like that and asked,
"Esterházy, who can touch my body?"
"His Majesty the Emperor. Then myself, and Your Majesty's maids. Even the court physician only with our presence, and only in limited circumstances."
Exactly.
Even if the Empress falls from a horse, protocol must be observed.
That's the Austrian Empire right now.
"What happens if someone breaks that protocol?"
"It's treason beyond mere rudeness. Invading a sacred space means summary execution on the spot, no complaints."
"Execution. Sounds exhausting."
"They'd sever those impious hands to cleanse the stain on the Empire's honor. Especially since Your Majesty is..."
Esterházy trailed off.
Yeah, not alone anymore.
"What if they were drunk and causing a ruckus?"
"Forgetting military discipline, getting drunk and threatening Her Majesty the Empress—that's a capital crime under military law, no escape."
"Your Majesty! This servant has failed to manage his subordinates—how dare they...!"
He couldn't hold back, slamming his head on the floor and wailing.
But Esterházy firmly enforced protocol.
"Who permitted you to make a sound? Her Majesty hasn't accepted your greeting yet. Resume position."
With trembling legs, he awkwardly bowed again.
Sweat dripped onto the carpet.
I stared at him impassively for a long while before slowly speaking.
"Esterházy."
"Yes, Your Majesty."
"The floor's getting dirty."
"I'll clean it."
"No need. But the police demanded my ID."
ID card... what a shame.
"Do they need a gold coin with my face on it?"
"Failing to recognize Her Majesty the Empress and conducting a security check is treason against the Imperial House."
"They might've been too drunk to know."
"Wearing a uniform and acting like that shames the Imperial House."
"Lowly bureaucrats make mistakes too."
"Discipline rotten to the core—your incompetence as commander is clear."
With every word from me and Esterházy's interjections, his cold sweat poured, but he couldn't move.
"Since the commander's incompetent, I should tell His Majesty."
If Joseph finds out, from you, Chief of Pest Police, down to the beat cops—funeral bells will ring.
"The Vienna Police Chief and Hungarian garrison commander will lose their uniforms too."
Joseph... he sets even the size of bakery signs.
'How did you vet someone to appoint trash like that?' 'Empire's security collapsing—what's the minister doing?' 'Practically martial law, and discipline like this?'
He'll pull an all-nighter, investigating your eighth cousin and redrawing the police org chart.
I can see it already.
Even someone called the devil's henchman can get this emotional.
Of course—when one subordinate's screw-up ruins all your efforts, staying rational would be weirder.
"What did His Majesty do when I said the chair didn't suit me?"
"He changed the wallpaper, furniture—even the garden."
To Joseph, the Empire is one giant blueprint, and I'm at its center.
"Right. His Majesty can't tolerate even minor inconsistencies."
The clattering shoe heel finally fell off.
"Esterházy, do you know what ID that man demanded from me?"
"Probably a certificate with Your Majesty's name. Ignorance isn't a crime, but wielding it with power is treason."
"No—that cop said I violated the 'dress code.' That my clothes, as the Empire's Empress, were disturbing Pest's public order."
Esterházy's eyebrow twitched at my words.
Oh shoot, forgot she handles my wardrobe too?
"...What unique taste. I must've missed that regulation."
I'd never seen her this angry.
A walking etiquette manual like Esterházy not knowing a rule?
I raised my hand,
and he took three steps forward.
Raised it again,
three more steps.
His face paled with every approach. Bonus effect.
Heading to the guillotine?
As he gave his final bow, I extended my hand and said to Esterházy,
"I didn't finish my coffee—my throat's dry."
Handle it.
"Chief Thays."
Esterházy spoke in her usual low, steady tone.
"Name that policeman with such remarkable taste."
"Th-That is..."
"I'll go learn myself. Where exactly does it say a mere cop can critique Her Majesty the Empress's dress?"
Thays's lips quivered.
No one in the Empire could lecture Countess Esterházy on etiquette.
Yet a drunk cop critiqued the Empress's attire—this had touched her reverse scale.
She nags me daily, but to the world, I must be the perfect Empress.
"Chief. Didn't I ask? Who was this man with such remarkable taste?"
"Th-That...!"
"Can't speak? Then you'll take responsibility instead?"
"No! Absolutely not!"
Thays screamed to save his skin.
Any longer, and Esterházy would've dragged him to Vienna for social burial.
"Esterházy."
"Yes, Your Majesty."
"Enough."
I propped my chin, looking down at Thays.
"Chief."
"Y-Yes, Your Majesty! Your command!"
"If Esterházy handles it personally, it won't end with your subordinates' heads rolling. Your family's honor gets dragged through the gutter too."
Thays's face turned ashen.
"But I'm merciful, so I'll give you a chance."
Hunyadi, standing beside me, handed him a pen and paper.
"Write it yourself."
"......Pardon?"
"Those arrogant cops who appeared before me today. And those negligent in duty, tarnishing the Empire's face. List them and deal with it."
Purge the corrupt in the Hungarian police and the radicals stirring up Hungarians—to save your own neck.
"Deadline: this time tomorrow. If even one name's missing... His Majesty will personally welcome you then."
"I'll stake my life on it!"
Thays snatched the fallen pen like a lifeline with shaking hands.
Sorry, not a lifeline. It'll reach Joseph anyway.
"Esterházy, we need some air."
"Leave."
At Esterházy's dismissal, Thays clutched the pen to his chest and backed out, practically crawling.
Only when the door closed did peace return to the room.
Esterházy refilled my cold teacup from the pot.
"You're too lenient, Your Majesty. He deserved a lesson."
I sighed deeply, sinking into the sofa.
Ugh, uncomfortable.
I kicked off the ruined shoe with my toes.
"Your Majesty."
Ah.
"I'm not alone."
Baby... you saved me.