Coffee and Beer
“Elisabeth.”
“Yes, Aunt.”
“You and Joseph seem to be getting along so well. Calling him by a nickname at dinner, no less.”
“Me?”
When did I ever call Joseph by a nickname?
Aunt couldn't hide her delight, her smile growing even brighter.
“You've grown so close you don't even realize it?”
'Yosha, drink this for me.'
Oh. Right, I did. I totally did.
“I must have slipped up.”
I could feel my cheeks burning.
“Now I see why Sophie is in such a rush.”
The Archduchess Sophie, impatient?
“Impatient? The Archduchess is the coolest head in the empire.”
“Sophie devoted her life to shaping Joseph, pouring her affection into him like he was her greatest masterpiece. She dried up his emotions, severed his personal attachments, and molded him into a perfect emperor burdened solely with the duties of the empire. She believed that was the only way to hold this shaky realm together.”
What must Joseph's childhood have been like?
Thinking of Rudolf, I doubted Joseph had it easy either.
A gentle touch from Anna settled on my sobered hand.
“But now, you're the one filling that gap.”
Anna smiled softly, her gaze drifting just a bit toward my lower belly.
“Congratulations.”
Anna changed the subject, pulling out a new topic.
“Thank you.”
Was Joseph just that amazing, or did we have killer chemistry?
Anna pressed a finger to her lips and winked.
“I won't breathe a word. If Nandi hears, the whole of Bohemia might throw a festival tomorrow. That man can't keep good news to himself.”
We exchanged a quiet laugh.
“May I ask why you've come to Bohemia?”
Now we were getting to the point.
The biggest reason for coming to Bohemia was, of course...
“For His Majesty to truly become king of Bohemia, he needs Uncle's blessing. Help him don the crown not as emperor of Vienna, but as heir to Prague.”
She pondered for a moment, then asked me.
“Hungary and Sophie won't just sit idly by.”
Sophie could count on Joseph to block her. Hungary could hold out until the Austro-Prussian War.
Right now, with the Hungarian nobles weakened, Joseph needed to ignore them and claim Bohemia's crown first.
That's why he'd sided with Russia in the Crimean War and joined the fight.
“Hungary... they're just too greedy. I love their freedom and romance, but I can't love their ambition too.”
The moment we struck the Austro-Hungarian Compromise, the Austrian Empire might be on borrowed time.
Right after prioritizing Hungary and forming the dual monarchy, what they did was oppose expanding autonomy for other minorities.
“Give them an inch, and they'll take a mile; give them a mile, and they'll demand half the empire.”
Hungary had vetoed every reform aimed at the Slavs in the imperial parliament.
“And yet you love Hungary?”
“Many of my maids are Austrian or Hungarian.”
Where did this rumor that I love Hungary even come from?
Anna looked me over, then finally spoke.
“But you don't seriously think Nandi's blessing alone will make the Bohemians bow loyally to the emperor?”
“It's just to plant some hope. A reversal of the frustration Bohemians have bottled up since Empress Maria Theresa's era.”
Bohemia had once been vital, but Maria Theresa sidelined it politically due to grudges from the War of the Austrian Succession.
And the final blow was the dissolution of the Holy Roman Empire.
Losing even their special status as electors, reduced to just another Austrian province—that sense of loss.
I stroked my belly, vowing.
“This child will be born right here in Prague.”
*
Back in the bedroom, I sank into thought.
I had a rough idea of the future ahead.
And how much I'd twisted history so far.
Originally, at this point, I'd lose Sophie, completely let go of Gisela and Rudolf, and never leave the empress's apartments. Joseph would chafe at it but wouldn't defy Mother...
Why did Joseph suddenly change so much?
That, I truly had no idea.
We were supposed to clash big over Rudolf's education, lose the Austro-Prussian War, and only then join forces politically to compromise with Hungary.
“Were you waiting?”
I never saw that coming.
“Sure, let's go with that.”
He knew I slept late and woke late anyway, yet here he was asking.
Speaking of...
What's this? Something I hadn't seen in a while was back?
“A beard all of a sudden?”
“A gift from Uncle.”
Who knew the mustache from Joseph's portraits—his trademark—was a fake one you could attach and detach?
I giggled and peeled the clump of hair from above his lip.
Weird sensation. So novel.
“That attached to it so much?”
“A little.”
But Joseph, what you need to cherish isn't that. It's not the beard—it's your gut.
I patted my side lightly, and as if he'd been waiting, Joseph sat beside me.
“Sit here and wait just a sec.”
Now, where was it? The maids always carried it...
“What are you looking for?”
“One moment.”
I rummaged through the luggage the maids had brought.
“Found it!”
I proudly set two bottles on the bedside table.
One sloshed with dark brown liquid, the other held a greenish powder.
“What's all this?”
“Secret remedies for Your Majesty.”
“Remedies?”
Joseph uncapped the brown bottle first and sniffed.
“Coffee? You want me to drink coffee in the middle of the night?”
I snatched the bottle from him and wagged my finger playfully side to side.
“Don't drink it—put it on your skin.”
“...What?”
Ignoring his baffled look, I kicked off my slippers and hopped onto the bed. Positioning myself behind his back.
“Okay, stay still. No moving.”
I dipped my fingers in the sticky coffee concentrate and applied it to Joseph's...
Hard to reach from back here.
I crawled around awkwardly, got off the bed, and stood in front of him.
Cradling his jaw gently with my left hand, I started rubbing the coffee meticulously along the M-line at the edge of his forehead.
“It's the finest beans from the palace stores, brewed extra strong.”
“Will coffee really do anything for hair?”
“Won't the caffeine wake up those dormant follicles?”
Joseph let out a light chuckle, as if amused by my cheeky joke.
“Waking follicles? Never heard that one before.”
“Not even seeing my hair?”
This glossy mane was all thanks to coffee and beer—he'd have to believe it.
“Hard to find better proof.”
Joseph.
You worry more than I thought.
That's why you've been touching my hair so much lately—a little deprived, huh...
I finished rubbing the coffee into his scalp, then grabbed the next bottle.
“That one too?”
“This one's for eating.”
I uncapped it, and Joseph recoiled in disgust.
“Ugh, what is that godawful smell?”
“Brewer's yeast.”
“Yeast? You mean the dregs left over from making beer?”
“You know it well.”
“Hold on, Sissi.”
As I brought a spoonful toward his lips, he grabbed my wrist in horror.
“You want to feed pig slop to the emperor?”
“You know brewery workers have amazing thick hair?”
“That's just a rumor.”
“Like how Jenner turned a rumor about milkmaids' beauty into a vaccine—nothing to lose, right?”
Joseph squeezed his eyes shut and turned away.
“That, I absolutely cannot.”
Fine, can't force it. Peace is better than forcing it down if he hates it.
Think of it as beer instead.
“Wait!”
Joseph snatched my wrist again in panic.
“Hold on.”
“You said you wouldn't eat it, Your Majesty.”
“But I like your mouth not smelling like pig feed even less.”
With honey, it wasn't that bad.
“It's just like beer—”
The world spun in a blink.
“Tonight, coffee scent will have to do.”
Joseph shoved the yeast bottle aside.
The bitter coffee aroma mingled with his scent, creating an oddly alluring fragrance.
Ah, the coffee on my hair wasn't dry yet...
Whatever.
“Joseph. Hey.”
“I know.”
“No, not that. Can't you talk casually?”
“Casually?”
I felt his arm tighten around me.
“I mean it literally. No more 'I have done,' 'I shall go,' 'it is so'—that stiff talk.”
I shot him a dissatisfied look.
“When it's just us, can't you drop it?”
He furrowed his brow, sounding troubled.
“This is... the law of the court and my habit. I've been trained this way since birth.”
So stubborn.
“After dyeing your hair with coffee, tweaking one little speech pattern can't be that hard?”
'It feels like the emperor in me is crumbling.'
Come to think of it, he'd said that in Milan four years ago.
“I get it—that speech is your last armor.”
I reached up, brushing my thumb softly over his lips.
“But you don't need to wear that heavy thing into the bedroom. Even Sisyphus gets a break sometimes.”
He started to speak, then just moved his lips silently.
“...If I don't know how?”
“You mean, how to talk normally?”
“How a normal man—not emperor—talks... I've never learned, uh, learned it.”
Joseph's lips trembled faintly.
“Is... this right?”