Hatred
Hatred.
Hatred.
"Get her washed."
Cael tossed the words out as if he were telling someone to stow a thing in a storeroom, and I turned my head on the spot to look at him.
"Yes, Your Highness."
The maids waiting nearby bowed as one.
Then they came toward me.
"……Let go."
One of them, afraid I might collapse, reached carefully for my arm, and before I knew it I had wrenched myself free.
"Are you going to let go or not?"
The words were barely out before the maid's face went white.
"I—I'm sorry, Princess."
The sight cooled my head a little.
Ah.
This wasn't someone I should be angry at.
I closed my eyes for a moment, opened them again, and let out a long breath.
I was tired. Viciously tired. My body was tired, my head was tired, and more than anything, the simple fact that I had stayed in the same space as that man now turned my stomach at the mere thought of it. Even so, I had no intention of taking it out on someone who had done nothing wrong.
"……I'm sorry."
I said it first.
The maid looked up, startled.
"Pardon?"
"That wasn't meant for you."
I turned my head, very slowly.
Cael was still standing in the middle of the corridor, watching this way with those red eyes. Just looking at his face flipped my stomach.
"It was meant for him."
The corner of Cael's mouth lifted, just a little.
He's smiling?
He finds this funny?
I narrowed my eyes and left them that way. A few days ago I might have studied that face a little longer, if only out of curiosity about what he was thinking. Not now. I don't care. I'm not curious. I don't want to know.
I just hate him.
I hate him enough to die of it.
The man who attacked my country. The man who started a war because he wanted me for himself. The man who didn't care in the slightest how many times I said no. In the game, those actions had been nothing more than a few lines of setting—a capture target with a strong obsession. Over the past few days I had learned, down to the bone, how horrific they could be in reality.
So now it didn't matter whether Cael smiled, or got angry, or what he thought of me. There was only one feeling I held toward that man.
Hatred.
Nothing else.
"Princess."
The maid who had approached earlier called to me again, this time from a careful distance.
"May I show you to the bath?"
Her tone had grown a shade more cautious. Dodging her must have frightened her quite a bit.
……Sorry about that.
Guilt pricked at me for no good reason.
"Yes."
I smiled as much like my usual self as I could manage, lifting only the corners of my mouth.
"Please."
The maid's rigid shoulders eased, just barely.
"Yes, Princess."
"And."
I hesitated a moment, then added it.
"I really am sorry about earlier."
"Oh, not at all."
The maid ducked her head in a hurry.
"We failed to look after you properly……."
"No."
I cut her off at once.
"It isn't your fault."
The maid closed her mouth.
I let my gaze slide sideways.
"The one at fault is someone else."
I didn't have to name him for anyone to know. A low laugh from Cael reached me. I didn't turn around.
Don't give him the attention.
That man likes it when I'm angry. He finds it entertaining when I resist. So it's better to treat him as if he isn't there.
I started down the corridor after the maid who led the way. My body was a wreck. My legs wouldn't take my weight properly, and every step dragged a heavy ache through my thighs and lower back. I clenched my teeth and walked anyway. The thought that Cael was watching from behind was enough, somehow, to put strength in me.
I am not falling.
If I fell, he'd catch me again. I don't want that. I hate it just imagining it.
I shortened my stride a little from usual and kept my back as straight as I could. The maids reached for me several times, seeing how hard it was, and stopped each time. I saw it.
"I'm all right."
I said it first.
"We can just walk slowly."
"Yes."
The maid in front matched her pace to mine. That small consideration felt strangely precious. Maybe it was because, for days, saying I didn't want something had meant nothing at all. Just the fact that someone heard what I said and acted on it eased my heart a little.
This is what's normal.
If a person says they don't want it, you stop. If they say it's hard, you go slowly. You ask if they're all right. It really isn't anything special. And the moment I wondered why I was feeling that obvious thing as if it were new, the revulsion rose in me again.
We stopped before an enormous door at the end of the corridor. The maid pushed it open with both hands. Warm steam drifted softly through the gap.
"……Whoa."
A small sound escaped me before I could stop it.
It was too large to call a bathroom. Floor to walls, everything was pale marble, and at the center sat a tub only a little smaller than a decent swimming pool. Afternoon sunlight came in through a window set high near the ceiling, laying faint pillars of light down through the steam, and a few petals of some flower I didn't know floated on the water.
Obscene waste of money.
Awe and a curse rose at the same time. The Astrea palace had lacked for nothing, but the scale of the Empire was plainly different. The crown prince's private bath was the size of a noble banquet hall back home.
I stood in the doorway and looked around for a moment, then glanced back on impulse. Cael wasn't there. He must not have followed from the corridor.
"……."
The instant I confirmed it, a little of the tension left my shoulders.
And then—
"Haa."
A long, long breath slipped out of me on its own.
The maids said nothing. They had probably guessed, more or less, why I was relieved. That was a little embarrassing. Still, it was all right.
He's not here.
At least not now. That man isn't here. That alone was enough.
"Princess."
The maid who looked the oldest approached carefully.
"We'll help you bathe."
My body stiffened on reflex. The maid stopped at once.
"If that would be uncomfortable, we can wait outside."
"……."
I looked at her. Her eyes were lowered. A face with no thought of forcing anything. Only after I confirmed that did the tension ease a little.
"No."
I swept my hair back with one hand. A tangle of it caught thickly on my fingers. Washing this alone might take me until tonight. And the back of the dress was nearly impossible to get out of by myself.
Think practically.
I have a woman's body now. I'm a princess. Being washed with a maid's help is perfectly ordinary in this world. By the standards of my past life it's a little embarrassing, but if I insist on washing alone in this state and slip in the tub and crack my head, there isn't a more idiotic way to die.
"Please."
I said it.
"Only—"
The maids looked at me.
"go slowly."
"Of course."
The answer came at once. That was enough.
Two maids came up behind me and began undoing the buttons of the dress one by one. Their hands were careful to a startling degree. They didn't tug at the cloth, and whenever a hand was about to touch my skin they told me first, in a small voice.
"May I lift your hair a little?"
"Yes."
"I'll put a hand on your shoulder."
"That's fine."
One thing at a time. They asked about all of it. I answered each time. And after that had repeated a few times, the strength locked in my body began, at some point, to drain away little by little.
……This is comfortable.
Not because these people were doing anything special. Because if I said I didn't want it, they would stop. That ordinary certainty was there.
The dress was lowered carefully to the floor. Afraid I might be embarrassed, the maids brought a large bathing cloth at once and wrapped it around me.
"Thank you."
When I said it, one of the younger maids went round-eyed.
"Not at all."
"Even so."
I held the cloth and smiled, small.
"Gratitude is still gratitude."
The maid's expression softened a little.
"……Yes."
A maid offered her hand as far as the tub. This time I took it first.
"Help me, just a little."
"Yes, Princess."
I went down the steps slowly. Warm water covered my ankles. My calves. My knees. And when my whole body sank beneath the surface—
"Ah……."
A sound slipped out of me before I could stop it.
It was warm. It felt as if every muscle were coming undone at once. Shoulders and back that had gone stiff from days without proper rest melted in the heat, until it even felt, at last, as if my body were a little bit mine again. I leaned my back against the edge of the tub.
"Is the water all right?"
"Yes."
I closed my eyes.
"It's wonderful."
I meant it.
The maids began, carefully, to work through my hair. They didn't yank at the tangles; they combed from the ends, slowly. After a few passes, the weight that had been pulling at my scalp eased little by little as well.
"It's badly tangled, isn't it?"
I asked.
"A little……."
The maid answered honestly, then rushed to change it.
"It'll be sorted in no time."
I let out a short laugh.
"So it is badly tangled."
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
Apologizing again. Was apologizing an imperial maid's profession?
"You can be honest."
I said it with my eyes closed.
"I know perfectly well what a mess I am right now."
A very small laugh sounded behind me. I also felt one of them clap a hand over her mouth in a hurry. I opened my eyes a crack.
"You laughed, didn't you?"
"I—I'm sorry."
"It's all right."
It was a little funny to me, too.
"Even I think I'm a mess."
At that, the stiff air in the bath loosened, just a little. The maids began to move more naturally than at first. Someone washed my hair. Someone carefully wiped my arms and shoulders with a warm cloth. And when they came down as far as my wrists, the movement stopped.
"……."
I lowered my eyes as well, without thinking. The marks still red there. The places the restraints had rested for days. The maid's face hardened. I spoke first, seeing that expression.
"It's all right."
"But the wounds……."
"It's nothing."
Nothing. That was what I wanted to say. They weren't deep wounds, in truth. The sort that would fade in a few days. And yet—
…….
The moment I saw them, Cael came back to me. My insides went cold. I put my hands under the water and hid the marks.
"Just put a little ointment on them."
My voice came out lower than before. The maid was quick enough not to ask anything more.
"Understood."
I was grateful for that. I closed my eyes again.
Warm water. Careful hands. The sound of hair being combed. Maids moving quietly. A space without Cael. For the first time in days, my heart settled a little. And in that calm, one thought only grew clearer.
I won't hate these people.
There was no need to hate the whole Empire. Not the soldiers. Not the maids. Not the attendants. No need to hate people who had done nothing to me. The one I hated was exactly one person.
Cael de Arcadia.
Just you.
I had no intention of ever confusing that. I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling. My head was far clearer than it had been a little while ago.
Wash. Eat. Sleep. And when my mind comes back, think. How to survive. How to build power. And, someday, a way to keep that man from deciding my life however he pleased.
"Princess."
"Yes."
"I'll rinse your hair."
I leaned forward a little.
"Please."
Warm water poured slowly over my head. The dust and sweat that had clung to me for days, the unpleasant feel caught between tangled strands, ran off with the water. I kept my eyes closed. The feeling was a little strange. As if—
It's being washed away.
Of course it wasn't really gone. Not what Cael had done. Not the hatred I felt. Not the marks left on my wrists. Even so, there was no need to carry them stuck to my body for the rest of my life. What can be washed, I wash. What can be treated, I treat. And what must be remembered—
I remember.
I let my breath out slowly.
Just you wait.
Cael. Right now you're the crown prince, and I'm a princess of an enemy kingdom with no power at all. But the game had only just begun. And I… knew the future of this game.
Wait just a little.
My little brother is going to wreck you…!