Can I Get a Refund?

My eyes snapped open. Blinding morning sunlight was pouring through the gap in the curtains.

"...Huh?"

So that hadn't been just some crazy dream? And my head didn't hurt in real life either. I felt unbelievably, ridiculously refreshed.

The vicious headache that had tormented my brain every single morning was gone, wiped away like it had never existed.

How long had it been since I'd last tasted a morning this pleasant?

『You have awakened, my only—... ahem! Ahem! My beloved devotee.』

In that instant, a voice like a booming movie-theater sound system slammed directly into my skull—not my eardrums, my skull.

"GWAH! What the hell?!"

I shot upright in bed, heart hammering.

I frantically looked around the room, but there was no sign of the intimidating GigaChad-Zeus with his rippling muscles—the one who'd saved my life in yesterday's dream.

"H-hyung?! I mean, Lord Zeus?! Where are you?!"

『I am communicating through your mind. My true form resides on Olympus, so no matter how hard you search, you will not see it. Quit gawking at empty air. I'm not showing up.』

Oh. So it was like telepathy, then.

He was the King of the Gods in Greek mythology, after all—I guess that came with one hell of a Wi-Fi connection. Reaching all the way from Greece to the Korean Peninsula, no less.

I swallowed dryly and opened my mouth with careful politeness.

"Ah, yes... But, uh, hyung? Seriously, mad respect for saving my life yesterday. But I've been giving it some thought, you see?"

『Hmm?』

"What I asked for was a free trial—smacking down the evil spirits trying to force a stamp onto a slave contract. Not a paid subscription to some divine-possession service."

As politely as I could manage, yet with the shameless audacity of a modern man thoroughly marinated in capitalism, I got to the point.

"So... would it be possible to issue a refund here? It's been less than 24 hours since the transaction, and under consumer protection law, a customer can withdraw from a purchase for simple change of mind, you know."

At my utterly brazen refund request, the inside of my skull went cold—like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water in it.

An eerie stillness spread, the kind that hangs in the air before a storm breaks.

『...What did you say?』

KRA-KOOM— CRASH!!!

Out of a sky that had been perfectly clear and sunny, a bolt of lightning came crashing down without warning.

It was loud enough to rattle the windows in my room like a maraca.

『You dare, NOW, to deny me?! Was it not mere last night that you groveled and begged and wept, swearing you'd do anything for me?!』

"That was emergency sales-talk lip service! Your mind changes after a ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠desperate bathroom sprint, doesn't it? Before versus after—totally different feelings, that's just human nature! And hyung, I just turned twenty! At an age when I should be out having fun, I do NOT want to be some shaman riding a ritual blade!"

『SILENCE! Utter that slippery little tongue of yours one more time, and I shall drive a bolt of lightning straight through the crown of your skull and roast you to a crisp!』

Eep.

Remembering how the fake ancestor in my dream had been reduced to a pile of ashes, I ducked my head down fast.

Considering this guy chucked lightning around at the slightest provocation even in the original myths, he was more than capable of frying me on a whim.

And come to think of it—if Lord Zeus got fed up and actually canceled my divine possession, I'd end up right back where I started, getting scammed by fake-ancestor spirits just like yesterday.

"Oh no! If you— if you strike me with lightning, I'll actually die! I accept! I accept it all! Lifetime contract! Just please, spare my life!"

At the speed of light, I dropped to my knees on the bed and smashed my forehead against the mattress.

I-I mean, he was my lifesaver—the benefactor who'd cured the horrific spirit sickness destroying my daily life in one go. I was simply observing proper human courtesy. That's all.

I was absolutely not slamming my head down because I was terrified of a bolt of lightning aimed at my skull!

Really. Truly. I swear it.

『Such quick thinking on your feet. You truly are the spitting image of that wretched fool.』

Had that been muttered to himself? There was a deep longing woven into that bitter voice, as if he were remembering someone.

"Sorry? Lord Zeus, what did you just say?"

『...Nothing. Never mind that. As my newly sworn devotee, offer me a proper, formal greeting.』

I heaved a long, sour-faced sigh.

Well, what could I do? If I didn't want to get roasted like a rotisserie chicken, I had to do as I was told.

But groveling from the floor out of fear wasn't my style. If I didn't want to get taken for a sucker later, I needed to at least lay the groundwork that I was not to be messed with.

I let out one big, deliberate fake cough, puffed out my chest, and declared with all the confidence I could muster.

"Haah... Spilled water, they say. I look forward to serving you well. Ahem—my name is Kim Dojin, scion of a venerable noble house, thirty-fifth-generation descendant of the Andong Kim clan..."

『A venerable noble house? Pfft.』

Just as I was mid-fake-cough, flexing my head-family pride, a burst of incredulous laughter exploded inside my skull.

Apparently my cheeky attempt to demand a contract cancellation just moments ago had truly rubbed him the wrong way.

So much for being the King of the Gods—this man knew how to hold a grudge like no other.

『You foolish creature. What exactly is this "noble house" you claim to come from?』

"I'm sorry, what? C'mon, hyung. Unlike those other families with no genealogy to speak of, ours has a family registry passed down for generations! We lay out feasts for the ancestors every holiday, and we strictly observe proper ritual traditions down to the last detail—a household with real heritage, if you ask me?"

At my confident rebuttal, Zeus snorted, as if he couldn't believe his ears.

『A genealogy? Ah, yes—you mean that scrap of paper your ancestor Gaettongi secretly smuggled out of the master's inner chamber while the house was burning down around him?』

"...I'm sorry, what?"

What the hell was this grand, booming voice in my head spouting right now? Gaettongi? Burning house?

『Your family is no venerable noble lineage—you descend from the slaves who swept that noble family's courtyard with a broom! Worse, your ancestor was a rotten runaway slave who seized the chance of a fire consuming his master's home to steal the family registry and flee, all to launder his identity!』

It felt like someone had swung a sledgehammer full-force into the back of my head.

The thread of reason in my mind snapped clean in two.

"Wh-what kind of bullshit is that?! My dad always told me we're the proud bloodline of nobles! Me—a slave? ME, A SLAVE?! Hey, you Lord Zeus you! What the hell are you even saying?!"

I rolled around on the bed like a man in the grips of a seizure, violently denying reality.

"I don't believe it! I won't! How would some Western thug god know anything about our glorious K-genealogy! Why are you dragging our family's great ancestors through the mud!"

『I have verified it through divine sight, so it is an indisputable fact!』

There wasn't a shred of hesitation in Zeus's voice.

No—if anything, he seemed to be openly enjoying this.

『Because of your ancestor Gaettongi's misdeeds, grudges piled upon your family line—and thus you, his descendant, were born bearing a grievous fate!』

"Cut the crap! You got proof?! Do you have PROOF?!"

As I dug in my heels and flailed to the very end, I heard Zeus chuckle darkly.

『Deny it all you wish—I shall present evidence beyond dispute. Deep in the third drawer of the desk in your family home's bedroom sits that thick genealogy book your father treasures above all else. Do you recall how the right-hand corners of that book are all charred black, burned away by fire?』

"Gah."

Goosebumps erupted across my entire body in an instant.

When I was a kid, I'd once snuck a look at that genealogy book—wrapped in silk cloth—while my father was out.

One corner of it had been scorched black by fire.

And Father, stroking it with tears in his eyes, had called it "an honorable medal our ancestor earned by risking his life to protect the family registry, even in the midst of war."

『That, boy, is the mark left when your ancestor Gaettongi fled the burning chamber with the registry tucked in his arms, tripped over the threshold, and dropped it into the flames! The mark of him frantically dabbing saliva on his finger to rub the fire out just before it burned the whole thing to ash!』

...That "honorable medal" was a saliva smudge from a runaway slave named Gaettongi?

"No... no, no! It's a lie... it's a LIE! It's not true, it can't be, it's NOT TRUUUUE!"

There was no way I could accept this falsified version of reality while sober.

Like a spoiled seven-year-old throwing a tantrum in the toy aisle, I began thrashing on the bed and wailing my heart out.

As I—a grown man of twenty—shamefully rolled around the bed bawling my eyes out, Zeus's voice ringing in my head thickened with sheer disbelief.

『Wh-what disgraceful behavior is this?! A grown man, sound of limb, acting like a child at his age! Have you no shame whatsoever?!』

"No! No no! I hate you, Grandpa Zeus, you coward who brings up FACTS! Go awaaay!"

Since it had come to this anyway, my plan was to disgust him so thoroughly with this opportunity that he'd tear up the contract himself.

He wouldn't actually drop lightning on his one and only devotee... right?

This was it! I cranked my voice to maximum volume and went full spoiled-brat mode.

"WAAAAAH! I don't care, I don't care! Refund me NOW! Contract's void! I'm not being a shaman! I'm not riding any blade! If you won't cancel, I'll stop eating and hold my breath until I pass out! Nnngh— HMMMMPH!"

But the King of the Gods, who had spent several millennia living as the most degenerate party animal in creation, was not patient enough to indulge a grown man's whining.

『YOU WRETCHED—!!! How dare a grown man throw a tantrum before ME!』

BZZZZZKRAK!!!

"GYAAAAAH-!!!"

A single searing-blue bolt punched through my window and struck my body dead-on, merciless.

Every hair on my body stood on end, and a horrific pain that sizzled down to my marrow swept through me from head to toe.

"Khh, kuh...!"

A puff of black smoke belched from my mouth. My hair had curled and crisped like a bomb victim's, and my hands and feet twitched violently, entirely without my permission.

Unbelievable. This punk-ass god just strikes first and never warns you.

Apparently he had no intention of killing his sole devotee—unlike the fake ancestor from my dream, I hadn't crumbled into a handful of ash with a whisper... but damn, did it hurt.

Just a few days ago, I'd gotten blackout drunk without knowing my own limit, picked a fistfight with a utility pole, and caught a taser dead-center from a police officer.

Ha! That had been genuinely adorable by comparison.

This lightning drilling into the crown of my skull was pain of an entirely different dimension—like having every nerve bundle in my body seared with a hot poker.

And it was so shockingly, paralyzingly effective that Geumjangi—the tantrum-throwing alter ego of mine who'd been rolling around on the bed—was cleanly obliterated in a single strike.

It was, in the truest sense, perfect physical therapy: seizing runaway youth Kim Dojin by the collar and dragging him back home in one motion.

『Well? Are you in your right mind yet?』

"..."

Wobbling on rubber legs, I crawled off the bed, flopped flat on the floor, and executed yet another lightning-fast change of stance.

"Oh, Lord Zeus! The descendant of Gaettongi, runaway slave of a venerable noble house, offers you his formal greetings!"

Through a very amicable negotiation with Lord Zeus, I had coolly decided to embrace my new identity.

Grandfather, Father. I'm sorry I failed to protect the family honor as the eldest grandson of the head family. But if your eldest grandson becomes an electric rotisserie chicken, who's going to set out your memorial offerings, Grandpa?

Having been saddled with the role of the unfilial son, I wiped scalding tears on the inside while keeping the smile of a scheming courtier on the outside.

Maybe I really was descended from slaves—but when it came to survival instinct, I seemed to be blessed beyond measure.

"Oohh! Zeus, eternal King of Olympus, Lord of Lightning! This insignificant devotee shall offer you a magnificent tribute at once—please, quell your righteous anger...!"

The instant I'd loudly vowed to present Lord Zeus a magnificent tribute, I snatched up my smartphone.

When you say "tribute," obviously you mean fried chicken. And not just any fried chicken—the most authentic kind there is, crispy fried in glorious golden olive oil.

Gleefully, I opened the delivery app, piled on extras here and there, and was just about to hit the payment button—

"...Huh?"

At the alert popping up on the screen, I hurriedly opened my banking app.

"Ah, damn it."

The curse burst out of me out loud. Thinking about it, of course. I'd drained every won I'd saved on hospital bills and shaman's fees, and just yesterday I'd ordered chicken with money I didn't even have.

Come ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠to think of it, my studio apartment rent was due again as early as next week, wasn't it?

If I burned through chicken money plus delivery fees now, my food budget for tomorrow would be hanging by a thread.

Slyly, I held my smartphone screen up toward the empty air and flashed a servile grin.

"So, uh, Lord Zeus, hyung? My financial situation is currently fu— er, deeply in the red. I'm looking at being out on the street as soon as next week."

『And?』

"So would it be possible to, you know, put the tribute on an installment plan? Or just defer it to next month? Once I've got money, I'll treat you to not one chicken but TWO whole chickens!"

It was, I felt, a rational and forward-looking compromise. But what came back was the frigid crackle of lightning lashing at my ears.

CRACKLE—!

『You—struck by lightning mere moments ago, and still your wits have not returned. Where do you find the audacity to NEGOTIATE a tribute offered to the Lord of Olympus?』

"Come on, hyung! If I starve to death, your one and only devotee starves to death with me!"

『SILENCE! You will burn to death on my lightning long before you starve! Present the tribute NOW!』

Ah, truly, not a single gram of mercy in this thug. So with tears of blood in my throat, I scraped together my entire remaining fortune, stripped out all the extras, and paid for the chicken alone.

When I saw the ₩3,500 delivery fee flash on the screen, I genuinely felt my heart being torn in two.

I didn't need to check to know how much was ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠left, but I opened the banking app anyway.

Confronted with such cruel reality, I sank to my knees and began denying it all over again.

Forty minutes later.

Having finally accepted reality, I pulled the freshly fried chicken from its box and reverently arranged it in the center of the room.

The fragrant smell of frying oil filled the whole room.

"There you go. A tribute purchased with my life's blood—my entire net worth."

As I grumbled and stepped back, I heard a sound from the empty air, as if Zeus were drawing in a deep, deep breath.

HOOOOOMP—!

At the same moment, a strange sensation washed over me, as though the very air in the room was being sucked away somewhere.

『Mmm~! Magnificent! The harmony of that crispy coating and the succulent juices is simply exquisite! So the mortals of the 21st century have been feasting on food THIS glorious!』

Immediately after, an extremely satisfied exclamation burst forth from Zeus.

Wait. What?

I blinked.

Zeus was praising the chicken I'd offered him as a tribute. But the box sitting in front of me hadn't lost a single piece of crispy fried chicken.

"Um... you haven't eaten any of it?"

『I have consumed every last morsel. It was most satisfying.』

"No, it's all still there?"

Hold on a second.

So what did Zeus eat, and what was this still sitting here? As I slowly turned the thought over, three glowing words flashed across my mind: absolute win.

Holy crap! The god only goes through the motions of eating, and I get to eat it all?! The tribute stays behind after the offering?! That's basically a perpetual-motion economy!

It had cost me my entire net worth, sure—but if it all ended up in MY stomach anyway, no harm done.

Giddy, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I grabbed the plumpest drumstick in the box and took a huge bite.

Crunch!

"Oh, wow, the batter is insa— GWACK!"

I nearly spat the chicken right back out.

"What the— what IS this? Why does it taste like nothing?!"

I'd been chewing while picturing that crispy batter and juicy meat, but the flavor spreading through my mouth was, quite literally, nothing.

No saltiness, none of chicken's signature umami, not even the rich, savory oiliness—all of it, gone.

Just a horrifying texture, like chewing on soaked cardboard, and a vast, echoing void of taste.

As I stood there reeling, Zeus answered with a hearty chuckle.

『Is that not obvious? A god partakes not of the tribute's form, but of the essence contained within. I have slurped up every drop of that essence, so what you are chewing is nothing but an empty husk.』

"Are you kidding me—so EVERY leftover offering tastes like wet cardboard?!"

『Indeed. Though some nourishment remains, so if you'd rather not starve, chew it down and swallow. Hahaha!』

Ah. I'd been utterly played.

I stared down in despair at the heap of meat-shaped cardboard piled in the chicken box. My hard-earned money. My ₩28,000...

"Haah..."

Sighing hard enough to sink the floor, I forced myself to chew and swallow the drumstick anyway.

It went beyond bad—swallowing it at all was an ordeal. But remembering my account balance, this was food I had to choke down if I wanted to survive.

"...All right, that settles it."

Washing down cardboard-flavored chicken with my tear-soaked cola, I made a firm resolution.

I needed to find a part-time job starting tomorrow.

If I was going to serve this godforsaken thug of a god and survive the treacherous seas of capitalist society, money had to come first.

And so, in the squalor and the struggle, Act Two of Kim Dojin's life began.