Heartbreak (2)
Since ancient times, the act of washing has often been regarded as a sacred ritual. This is especially true in religious contexts. Perhaps it's because it emphasizes the purification of one's defiled self. But none of that mattered to Aria. After all, no amount of scrubbing could cleanse a body steeped in filth and corruption.
Hadn't she said it herself once? No matter how many times you wash a rag, it remains a rag. This body was dirty, repulsive, and hideous. It had yielded itself to countless men. She was doomed to carry this filthy vessel for the rest of her life.
Or rather, she should have been.
Ain. It's all thanks to you.
The reason I no longer see this body as unclean. Because every single day, I'm being dyed in your color. Because you've covered me with it. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am. Ain, you are my guiding star, my support, my one and only…
Azazel's voice from behind was like a net, yanking her out of the ocean of her daydreams. Aria snapped back to reality and turned the bathroom doorknob.
Click.
The bathroom was thick with hazy steam. The pleasantly warm temperature seemed to loosen her stiffened muscles.
It didn't seem to be a pleasing sight for Azazel. Well, that made sense. She was someone who exuded elegance even in her clothes. It was only natural that such a shabby facility wouldn't meet her standards.
"Still, we should wash up."
"I never said I wouldn't."
They washed themselves modestly. Every now and then, Azazel would steal glances at Aria, mostly directed at her breasts or groin. Those blatant stares made Aria's face burn with embarrassment.
What kind of intentions does she have for looking at me like that?
The question was soon answered.
She had been checking whether Aria's body still bore any wounds. Aria wanted to smash her own head for letting such lewd thoughts pollute it. Thankfully, the steam hid her flushed face.
"Healing is my specialty, after all. It's been completely cured."
"If any scars had remained, I would've felt so heavy-hearted, Sister."
Sister. No matter how many times she heard it, the title still felt awkward.
"Thank you for worrying about me."
Aria expressed her gratitude while looking at Azazel. In doing so, she ended up seeing the other woman's slender, completely naked figure without any filter. Her breasts were on the smaller side, but her pelvis and waist were strikingly narrow. Past her erector spinae muscles, a plump rear came into view. Her peach-like, pale buttocks were beautifully shaped. Was this what people called a slender figure?
Since this was her first time seeing another woman's body besides her own, Aria felt strangely embarrassed. Whether Azazel knew about her feelings or not, she answered casually.
"No need to thank me. Oh, are you getting in the bath, Sister?"
"……If you want to use it, Azazel, I'll yield it to you."
The inn's bath was small. It was barely worthy of being called a bath—just a wooden tub filled with heated water. Objectively speaking, it was crude and shabby. It didn't matter to Aria, but she worried that Azazel might find such a tub uncomfortable.
As she sent a concerned glance, Azazel made a suggestion.
In that cramped space? Aria almost voiced the question that rose to her throat but held it back. Azazel's expression had grown extremely stiff. Aria knew exactly what emotion that face carried. She had seen it occasionally among the children who had lost their parents while volunteering at the orphanage. Azazel was afraid of being rejected.
It was an innocent request.
"……Alright."
"Really?"
"Really."
Aria decided that even if it made her a little uncomfortable, she wanted Azazel to feel at ease. Since they were already bathing together, there was no reason they couldn't share the tub.
"But first, let me check the temperature."
Azazel nodded.
"Temperature isn't important."
Aria tested the water with her hand. It was pleasantly warm.
"This should be fine."
"Yeah? If it gets lukewarm, tell me. I'm used to adjusting water temperature."
Aria's eyes sparkled.
"Is that even possible?"
Apparently surprised by such an enthusiastic reaction, Azazel nodded moderately.
"Uh, yeah. Of course. I'm a mage, after all."
That's right. Azazel was a mage. To Aria, this was the best possible news. If she bathed with Azazel, she could always enjoy warm water.
"Azazel, let's keep bathing together from now on."
She pouted with a displeased expression, as if she found the idea unappealing.
"………I didn't say that because I wanted to see your calculating side, Sister. And don't call me Azazel. Call me Azazel without the honorific."
"……Ah, so I can just call you Azazel?"
"Yeah, that's fine."
The two of them climbed into the wooden tub.
Splaaaaash.
Even though they had scooped out a fair amount of water, with two women inside, it naturally overflowed. The space was also incredibly tight. After somehow squeezing their bodies in, they barely managed to fit.
"This position is uncomfortable."
The posture—knees pulled up and body curled into a ball—was quite uncomfortable for Aria. Her ample breasts were being pressed against her knees. Meanwhile, Azazel experienced no such discomfort from her chest, which left Aria feeling somewhat pathetic.
"………It really is narrow."
Aria smiled awkwardly.
"Should I get out after all?"
"Stay still, Sister."
Azazel muttered something. The shape of the wooden tub began to twist and distort, expanding to two or three times its previous width.
"Whoa, what is that?"
"I expanded it. With magic."
What a fascinating world of magic. Though the tub was now more spacious, the water level had dropped because of the increased surface area. The water that had once reached her chest now barely touched her navel.
"There's not enough water."
"I'll fill it up."
When Azazel snapped her fingers, a stream of warm water appeared out of thin air. Aria blinked, watching the phenomenon with wide eyes.
Mages really are convenient. Is this like Doraemon?
Though now that she thought about it, wouldn't it have been better to expand the tub first? Azazel must be tired, so her thinking isn't as sharp as usual, Aria concluded.
"……Sister, you're not thinking something rude, are you?"
At Azazel's question, Aria flinched and gave her a bright smile.
"I was just thinking how convenient mages are."
"They are convenient."
Splash, splash.
Before long, the tub was full of water. With the expanded space, moving their bodies felt much more comfortable. Azazel yawned and stretched.
"In the end, you couldn't confess to Ashtain, huh."
"There were too many complications."
Who could have predicted that Ashtain would be attacked by thugs? It was an event neither Aria nor Azazel could have imagined.
Splash, splash.
The sound of water echoed.
"You're really too much, Sister. When you think about it, telling me to confess and get rejected so I can move on… isn't that what you're saying?"
"……Let's not think about it in a negative way."
"Isn't that funny too? If I end up with Ashtain, wouldn't that be troublesome for you, Sister?"
"Troublesome?"
"If I slept with Ashtain, could you really endure it?"
Ain… with Azazel?Whispering words of love to her the same way he did to me?
Aria's body went rigid.
"That would be difficult for me."
"Idiot. How can you react so seriously to a joke?"
Azazel's index finger pressed firmly against the space between Aria's brows.
"I-It was a joke?"
"Anyway, Ashtain wouldn't even consider it."
"Y-You never know. You're a very attractive person, Azazel."
"You really can't be objective about your own appearance, can you?"
"Pardon?"
"Never mind. Just talking to myself."
Azazel turned her head away with a huff. Not knowing what to say, Aria remained silent. A quiet stillness settled between them.
"You know, I'm going to confess tomorrow morning."
"Are you?"
"Sister, do you still want my confession to go well?"
It was a cruel question. A harsh one. She deserved to be called a vicious bitch. Nevertheless, Aria answered gently.
"Yes."
Ha, I'm really stupid.She's my rival. This should be a sticky, ugly, messy relationship. What is this? It makes me look like the only bad person here.
"Silly Sister."
"Do I seem pathetic to you too, Azazel?"
"Yeah. Completely pathetic."
"Hehe."
Don't tremble like that, Sister. This confession is going to fail.
Azazel watched the water droplets falling from her fingertips. Inside those droplets, she saw Aria smiling brightly. It hurt her heart. For a person to be so foolishly kind.
The sun rose.
Slipping away from the soundly sleeping Aria, I straightened my clothes and left the room. I walked carefully toward the room where Ashtain was staying. Since it was right next door, it didn't take long to reach.
A closed door came into view. I grabbed my trembling arm with my other hand. Just as I had told Aria, I was going to confess. If I said I wasn't scared, it would be a lie. It was my feelings that were about to be rejected. It was hearing the person I liked say they couldn't like me back.
Possibility? There was none. Not even the slightest chance. Ashtain already liked Aria. There was no room for me to squeeze in. Just thinking about that fact was painful. My heart felt heavy.
Still, if I stayed like this, nothing would ever progress. I'd only remain bound by these feelings, trapped and broken. I had to move forward. I couldn't stay stuck here.
Having organized my thoughts, I knocked on the door with the back of my hand.
Knock, knock.
Click.
The locked door opened. I turned the handle and stepped inside. A man with black hair was there. It was Ashtain. His dark irises turned toward me.
His appearance was neat. He was always such a diligent person.
"Yeah. I have something to say."
I tried to appear calm. I suppressed the tremor in my voice. I had no idea how I looked to him.
"Do you?"
His tone suggested he would listen. I studied his face. I was about to confess right away. But the words wouldn't leave my mouth. Was this what it meant to be tongue-tied?
After a long silence, he asked.
What I wanted to say was only three words. I love you. That was all. Yet I couldn't say it. Even though I opened my mouth, only vague murmurs echoed inside.
This wouldn't do. Was I trying to run away from here?
"Ashtain."
"Yeah."
"……I, toward you."
I was almost there. I just needed to spit out one more word. I love you. Just that one phrase, and this painful moment would pass. Say it. Say it. Don't avoid it.
My lips trembled. My eyes shook. My body shook. What should I do? The words wouldn't fall from my mouth. The feelings. The language. It was as if they had a will of their own. They refused to be expressed. They refused to be spoken. They clung stubbornly to the inside of my mouth and wouldn't come out.
It was so frustrating. The heartache. Watching him embrace another woman. Was it so wrong for me to love you? Was that such a terrible thing? A person loving another person is such a natural emotion.
Something inside me surged. It boiled over. I knew that speaking out of impulse wasn't good. But without that emotional push, I felt like I would never be able to say it in my lifetime. Like I would never be able to be honest with myself.
Finally, I uttered that difficult word.
It was over. That was the end. The end of my confession.
It became quiet. It grew still. It fell silent. Was this what it felt like for the world to be bleached white? It was like the white night phenomenon. I wished time would stop forever.
With an exhausted face, I looked up at him. He furrowed his brows, making a troubled expression. It was a look of discomfort and awkwardness. I already knew. I knew exactly what he was going to say. What kind of reaction he would show.
I could predict what would come next. It would be rejection. It had to be.
I knew. I knew those words would come. That an apology would follow.
Even so, my chest felt tight. My eyes grew hot. My heart ached. My creaking heart.
I began to ramble incoherently.
"I know. I knew you'd say that. I expected it."
"………."
"Even if I'm second, it's okay. Even if it's not a complete love, it's fine. Just looking at me occasionally would be enough."
"I can't do that."
Once again, a cold rejection came. It felt like my heart was being torn into pieces. I had expected it, but it hurt too much.
"Why? Not even second place? Ah, so besides Sister Aria, there's someone else? That's fine. I'm very open-minded. Third place is okay too."
Ashtain deliberately put on an angry expression.
"What."
I gritted my teeth. Tears rolled down my cheeks. They traced my jawline and fell to the floor. My composure shattered like a glass cup. How could I not resent this?
"……Am I not allowed?"
Ashtain nodded heavily.
"That's too cruel. Really."
I loved you first. I saw you first. I was first.
You apologized. You're a bad person. You are. Sister Aria is too. You're both bad people. But the worst one of all… was me, for not being able to be honest. Because I knew that, I couldn't blame him.
If only I had realized these feelings a little sooner. Then I might have received your complete love. It was a foolish assumption. Thinking if only this or if only that. Opportunities only come once, don't they? You can't turn back time.
"Why are you apologizing? It makes it sound like you did something wrong. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Idiot, stop it. You're going to make me cry."
It wasn't the same. I was already sobbing. Tears streamed down my cheeks. My eyes stung from the tears, so I blinked.
"What a shame. I really liked you. Who knew you'd already belong to someone."
"Is that all you can say? Try saying something else."
He closed his mouth. So stubborn.
"Hey, Ashtain. Can you hug me just once?"
It's ugly. It's sordid. It's dirty. It's petty. It's cowardly. I know that. But isn't it okay to at least be comforted?
His arms embraced me. They were disgustingly warm. His firm chest felt like a pillar of support. It should have made my heart race. Why did it only feel heavy?
Love was setting. It was the unrequited love of a single girl.