The Witch (6)
The sun had already dipped low, painting the sky in deep crimson hues by the time I came back to myself. I had no idea how much time had passed. My body felt heavy and languid, drained of all strength—like I’d just crawled out of the water after swimming for hours. A profound exhaustion crept through every limb, settling deep in my bones.
My stomach let out a loud, embarrassing growl. I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, so it was only natural. Strangely, though, I felt no real desire to eat. Hunger gnawed at me, yet my appetite was nowhere to be found. A hollow laugh slipped from my lips.
Aside from that single morning meal, I hadn’t left the room once. It wouldn’t be wrong to say I’d shut myself away completely. I simply didn’t want to go out. The thought of running into Ashtain terrified me. I was afraid he might look at me with those same cold eyes as before.
If this had been the old me, I would have just scrunched up my face and grumbled. But now, his emotions were impossible to ignore. That blatant wariness. That open hostility.
‘Don’t touch Aria.’
Ashtain was no longer the man who showed me any leniency. It was all because of her. Because of Aria Lameld. She was the reason I’d ended up like this. Everything. Everything. Everything!
…Was it really all her fault, though?
Anyone who walks the path of magic knows better than to make blind judgments when interpreting a situation. The answer only reveals itself when you examine it from every possible angle. That was the essence of magical inquiry, the way one accumulated true knowledge. The same principle could be applied to reality.
So I couldn’t simply blame the poor Saintess. I had to look for fault in myself as well.
I knew I had been rude. If someone had called me a whore or degraded me like that, I wouldn’t have been able to stand it either. But what was I supposed to do? I hated her so much for taking the place at his side. I was jealous. Envious. The words had flown out before I could stop them.
It was supposed to be my place. I was the one who should have been by his side.
That was when I realized—the problem was me. I had brought this on myself. It was all my own doing.
I curled up on the bed, drawing my knees to my chest. There was something strangely comforting about huddling like a pill bug. It drowned out the constant buzzing noise in my head.
When I opened my mouth, my voice came out hoarse and cracked.
“Ashtain, do you really hate me that much?”
Of course he did. I was loud, annoying, stubborn, and ungrateful. That was how I’d grown up. I used to think it was only natural. It wasn’t like I’d always been this way.
I had worked hard to earn praise, but one day I looked around and realized no one was left at my side. They called me a genius and worshipped me, but that only left me lonely. So I threw myself deeper into achievement to erase that loneliness. I became so obsessed with magic that I forgot how to treat people. Once the loneliness faded, I told myself it didn’t matter. At some point, being alone started to feel comfortable. Other people’s gazes became burdensome.
Then I met you.
You didn’t look at me with reverence or like I was some kind of monster. You simply saw me. Ashtain. Only you ever let me be the girl named Azazel Anaide. Not a genius. Not the famous mage of the Magic Tower. Just a young woman. I loved that so much. I couldn’t express it, but it made me incredibly happy. I believed your side was exactly where I belonged.
But look at me now. In the end, even you turned away from me.
No one could possibly love a twisted wretch like me.
Yes, I know I have an annoying, repulsive personality. So what? This is how I was raised. No one ever taught me differently. What was I supposed to do?
“Pathetic bitch.”
Spitting out the low curse made me feel a little better. My head felt clearer.
Of course Ashtain would prefer the elegant Saintess over a twisted wretch like me. She was obedient, gentle, and beautiful. She possessed every virtue a woman was supposed to have.
“There’s no way I could ever win against someone like her.”
I clenched my fist and bit down on my lip. My nails dug into my palm. A drop of blood bloomed on my dry lips. It hurt. But the real pain wasn’t there. The real pain was in my heart. That was what had been carved to pieces.
Love… It must have been too heavy an emotion for someone like me to carry. I must have reached too far beyond my station.
I tried to uncurl my body to stand, but my limbs had gone stiff. I toppled forward and crashed to the floor with a loud thud. My face hit first, leaving my cheeks stinging. The thought that the people on the other side of the wall might have heard it made my face burn with shame.
I lifted the corners of my mouth in a bitter smile.
What a pathetic sight I must be.
Ashtain hated me. His rejection was plain to see. That must mean how precious she was to him. A hollow feeling spread through my chest, like a hole had been punched clean through it. It felt like something vital was slipping away from me. But I couldn’t tell what it was.
What exactly was I losing?
I didn’t want to know. It would only hurt more if I did.
Should I just give up now? I already understood, didn’t I? That no man would ever love a willful woman like me. I should cut my losses cleanly and return to the Magic Tower.
I tried to let go of my feelings for Ashtain. I tried to give up.
But why couldn’t I? Why did I keep clinging to this lingering attachment? Why did thoughts of you only grow stronger as time passed? If I got down on my knees right now, grabbed the hem of your pants, and begged you to look at me… would you turn back to me?
“Ugh…”
I was alone. Thoroughly, completely alone.
Still sprawled on the floor, I crawled unsteadily toward the wall. Pressing my ear against it, I could hear their quiet conversation.
“Ain, um… I’m not sure about a wish like that…”
“I told you I’d grant it. Your wish.”
“B-but even so, asking me to speak informally…”
“It’s not like I’m asking you to do it forever. Just for a little while. What’s the big deal?”
It wasn’t the sharp, edged voice of Ashtain I knew. It was soft. Gentle. The difference made my heart ache.
Aria spoke in a voice full of shy delight.
“I-it feels really weird, Ain.”
“…You’re too cute.”
I was jealous. Jealous of the woman who received his affection. Jealous of the woman who was loved by him.
And I felt miserable. Miserable for eavesdropping on their conversation like this. Miserable for wallowing in self-pity all by myself.
Was this really the genius archmage? The rising star of magic who could command the world? Where exactly was that person?
What good was it that I could use all kinds of magic if I couldn’t have the one thing that truly mattered?
Self-loathing washed over me. I grabbed fistfuls of my own hair.
If I was going to end up like this, I should never have thrown tantrums. I should never have spoken so carelessly. I should never have gotten angry. Why am I always like this? Every single action I take pushes people away. I really am pathetic.
I pulled my ear away from the wall and lay down on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. By the time the sun had set and night had fallen, I heard it—moans thick with pleasure.
Again? Please stop.
I slammed my head against the mattress. The hard surface made my skull throb.
“I love you, Aria.”
“I-I love you too, Ain.”
Sweet nothings drifted through the wall. I pressed the pillow over my ears. I didn’t want to hear any more. I wanted it to end.
“Hngh, haa, mmm…”
My head—
“You sound good when you speak informally too, you know?”
It felt like it was going to split open.
“…I-I told you it feels strange, ah!”
My stomach churned.
“See? It got even bigger.”
Why did I have to listen to this?
“Heuk, ah, it hurts. It’s so full inside… if you move, ugh!”
I didn’t want to know any of this.
“Should I stop?”
Stop.
“N-no… I don’t want you to. Hurt me more.”
I hated it.
The wet, obscene sounds of flesh slapping together reached me. When I listened more carefully, I realized the noise wasn’t just coming from beyond the wall. I tilted my head in confusion—then a sharp, hazy heat slammed into my lower belly.
“Hngh?”
The pathetic, feminine gasp had come from me. It took me a moment to realize what I was doing.
W-what the hell am I doing?
My gaze dropped between my legs. My panties had been pushed aside, exposing my glistening sex. My index finger was frantically thrusting into my own entrance. When I pulled it out, a thin string of slick stretched between my finger and my folds. It was soaking wet. The sight filled me with unbearable shame.
“What… what am I doing?”
I wasn’t actually asking. I just didn’t want to admit it.
Masturbation. I was pleasuring myself while listening to their voices.
Humiliation and disgrace flooded through me. At this rate, I really was nothing but a perverted slut. My mind was a complete mess.
“I love you.”
Ashtain’s voice from the other side sounded like it was right beside me. The finger that had stopped moving began thrusting again on its own.
It pressed persistently against the sensitive spot inside me that made my toes curl.
“Hngh, ah!”
Of course I knew my own body best. My voice quickly grew thick with arousal, filling the quiet room.
“Why… haa, why can’t I… stop… ah!”
Every time Ashtain’s voice reached me, my fingers moved as if enchanted by a pre-cast spell. They kept teasing all my weakest points. A dizzying wave of pleasure rose inside me.
It felt good.
I grabbed the bedsheets and curled my body tighter.
“Ah, ngh, ahh!”
My moans were sharp and high-pitched, like a dog whimpering. It was embarrassing, but the heavy depression that had weighed on me flew far away. I squeezed my thighs together and used my other hand to tease my nipple. My movements were clumsy, but Ashtain’s gentle voice was more than enough to drive me wild.
“You’re so beautiful.”
Those words weren’t for me. They weren’t directed at me. They had nothing to do with me.
I knew that. But I couldn’t stop my hands. My sex kept leaking, soaking the bedsheets. The slick running down my thighs was so abundant it looked like I’d spilled a cup of water.
“I like you so much.”
Even if the words weren’t for me, it was fine. Tell me you love me. Tell me you like me.
“Ugh, ahh!”
My nails scraped roughly against my inner walls. The sensation of being prodded at my most sensitive spots sent a cheap, vulgar pleasure surging through me. My mind went completely white. My fluids sprayed out like a fountain as my back arched violently. My calves and feet twitched and spasmed.
“Haaangh, mmmmmm!”
My voice sounded obscenely vulgar. I wasn’t even a premature ejaculator, yet I’d reached climax so quickly. I really was a cheap whore. I had no idea who I was anymore.
After the orgasm passed, the worst possible feeling settled over me. Once the desire had been satisfied, all that remained was a crushing self-hatred and despair.
“……”
I hated it. I didn’t want to feel this way.
I moved my hand back between my legs. Squelch. Squelch. As long as I was focused on masturbating, I didn’t have to feel those complicated emotions. So I kept going. Rationalizing it to myself, I rubbed my swollen clit. The throbbing pleasure pushed the depression away. I knew that once this was over, I would want to die again. But for now, it felt good. So please, Ashtain. Keep talking. Even if the words aren’t for me, it’s okay. Give me more of those sweet words.
I’m not enough. I’m so thirsty for your affection.