Reality Feels Like a Dream
The world feels as if it has frozen over. No, it has frozen. That much is certain. Otherwise, how could everything be this deathly quiet? Right?
I steal a glance at the person lying beside me. Ashtain. Your pitch-black eyes watch me with clear interest. That mischievous look of yours is unmistakable. Our eyes meet, and I quickly turn my head away.
How should I even describe this feeling? Embarrassment? Shame? Maybe both tangled together. Ashtain pays no mind to my flustered state and speaks up.
“Just so you know, you’re the one who made things turn out like this, Aria.”
His words place the blame entirely on me. They sting. It feels as though I’m the only one who wants this, the only one burning with longing. But the fact that it’s true makes my mouth go dry.
“I-I know that.”
Yes. I’m well aware that I created this situation. So there’s really no need to remind me. I shoot him a glare, pouring all those feelings into it. Even under my sharp look, he only smiles softly.
“You’re cute when you glare like that.”
His large hand gently pats my head. Callused, but warm and reassuring. I like it. …Though, at this rate, I feel more like a pet than anything else. I’m not a dog or a cat, you know.
I meant to voice that complaint, but the words never came. His touch fills my chest with an inexplicable sense of relief and fullness. At the same time, it hurts. Why does my heart ache so desperately? I want more of your attention. I want your hands on me. …I want you to dote on me completely.
The thought makes me flinch. What a shameless, vulgar desire. Ashamed, I cover my face with both hands, only for Ashtain to pry them apart.
“Why hide such a cute face?”
It’s flattery, and I know it. Yet why does my heart flip over? Why do I feel like laughing like an idiot?
“P-Please stop saying things like that. It’s… it’s really embarrassing, you know?”
“I say it because I want to see you embarrassed.”
“Ugh.”
When I tense my arms, he readily releases my wrists. After experiencing just how strong a man’s grip can be, I can’t help but wonder. He’s letting go so easily? This is different from the constant oppression I’ve known. A strange, unfamiliar situation.
Ashtain presses his index finger against the bridge of my nose.
“What, disappointed?”
Did I look disappointed? I shake my head quickly.
“N-Not at all!”
My voice cracks. In crude terms, it’s a voice crack. He could easily mock or tease me for it, but Ashtain only smiles kindly. Ugh. This moment, this situation, is so sweet that my body feels like it’s melting. Like cotton candy soaked in water.
Is it really okay to be this happy? Can I truly feel this joyful? I don’t know. It’s a happiness that feels almost unfair. So happy it makes my head throb.
I fidget and ask him, “M-My face is really red, isn’t it?”
His gaze turns to my face. It only makes the heat worse.
“Yeah. Like a campfire.”
A campfire? Is it really that red? At his blunt remark, I puff out my cheeks in a pout, then stop. …I’m not a child. What am I doing, throwing a tantrum like this?
Suddenly, he spreads his arms and pulls me into his embrace. His firm chest and muscular arms wrap around me like a deadly trap. His muscles are hard and should hurt, yet strangely, it feels good. I’m in danger of smiling like a fool.
“Aria.”
At his call, my waist lifts slightly.
“Y-Yes?!”
You whisper softly.
“Aren’t you going to sleep? It’s late.”
……What was I expecting? How foolish. The pink haze in my chest fades a little. I narrow my eyes and glare at Ashtain.
“……How could I possibly sleep in a situation like this?”
“Is it uncomfortable?”
Of course it is. We’re lying side by side in the same bed. How am I supposed to calm down? My heart is pounding this hard—how could I sleep? Surprisingly, I really am sharing a bed with him. How did things end up like this?
I recall what happened just a few dozen minutes ago. When we entered the inn, we went straight to the counter.
“We’d like two rooms next to each other. Do you have any available?”
Ashtain had intended to get separate rooms, considering my mental and physical state. After all, a major incident had occurred today. It was a reasonable decision.
The attendant scanned the reservation list and replied, “Ah, we happen to have rooms that match your request. Shall I show you?”
But honestly, I didn’t want to be apart from you. I wanted to stay by your side. Only then would this chaotic heart of mine settle. So I grabbed his sleeve and shook my head.
“Ashtain, what if we just get one room?”
“……Why?”
His puzzled face looks at me. My breath quickens. My chest aches. I want to be with you. I want to stay by your side. I want to tell you this clear feeling. But it’s too raw, too intense to say outright. I search for a reasonable excuse for a man and woman to share a room. Without some pathetic justification, it feels impossible.
“Wouldn’t it be cheaper to get one room instead of two? W-We’ve always done that until now.”
My face must have turned bright red, like a ripe persimmon. Ashtain, who had been listening quietly, answered curtly.
“That was when I didn’t know your circumstances. Wouldn’t it be better to rest alone for your peace of mind? Don’t worry about money. The kingdom provides more than enough support anyway.”
A negative response. I was deeply shocked. I never thought my suggestion would be rejected.
“I-Is that so?”
My voice trembled. My vision blurs. What if he thinks I’m a clingy woman? What if he finds me bothersome? I bite my lower lip.
Seeing my dejected expression, Ashtain quickly adds, “Wouldn’t it be uncomfortable? Having me right next to you?”
At those words, my face lights up. It means he wasn’t pushing me away because he disliked or despised me. He was only worried about me. The realization makes me want to jump for joy.
“Not at all! Attendant, p-please give us one empty room right away!”
Looking back, it was such a foolish thing to do. There was no need to shout so loudly. The attendant’s envious glance toward Ashtain is still burned into my memory. ……How embarrassing.
Anyway, we entered the room the attendant showed us. It was definitely better than the inn we stayed at in the village on the mountainside of Asendio. For one thing, the room was spacious for a single room. Not so large as to feel overwhelming, though. Just enough space to be comfortable alone, and not too cramped for two.
The layout is simple: one large room and one bathroom. Since it’s a single room to begin with, expecting more would be greedy. In my opinion, it has a neat and calm atmosphere. The furniture is the same. A reasonably sized dining table and chair set, a wardrobe with robes, and a large bed. Overall, it creates a natural ambiance without being ostentatious. I like it.
Whether for lighting or not, there’s a large window covered by curtains. A small wooden table sits by the window, with a pot of blue flowers neatly placed on it. It’s a place that feels like a cozy home. It naturally soothes the heart. Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way—Ashtain also lets out a small exclamation of admiration.
“Nice place.”
“Yeah.”
“Aria.”
“Yes.”
“I’ll sleep on the floor.”
“……Leaving the bed?”
I look at the bed. There’s only one, but it’s huge enough for two people to sleep comfortably. It would be nice to sleep together. Before I can say that, Ashtain speaks first.
“I’m a man, after all.”
For a moment, I don’t understand the intent behind his words.
“What does that matter? Before, you didn’t care at all……”
“Are you really okay with this?”
What is he worried about? This person.
“Yes. Because it’s you, Ashtain, it’s fine.”
However he misinterpreted my words, he scratches his head irritably.
“Are you trying to seduce me right now?”
Seduce? M-Me? My heart pounds violently. Now that I think about it, does this count as seduction? Same room. Same bed. Asking him to stay with me. I realize it too late. I quickly lower my head. I can’t bring myself to look up.
“Don’t be embarrassed. It’s making me embarrassed too.”
Ashtain says that and tries to lie down on the floor. Am I supposed to sleep in the bed alone? I don’t want that. I hate being alone now. Unable to accept his action, I grab his arm and pull.
“Huh?”
Caught off guard by the sudden attack, you lose your balance and fall onto the bed with me. The soft mattress, the smooth blanket—none of it registers. Ashtain. Only you feel real. We’re so close our breaths touch. Swallowing my embarrassment, I speak.
“Let’s sleep together. Please.”
“……You’re more stubborn than I thought.”
“Do you hate it?”
He seems troubled by the question, furrowing his brows and twisting his lips. Seeing Ashtain this flustered is new. After a moment, you reluctantly say,
“If that’s what you want, then I’m fine with it too.”
And so the scene shifts for the first time. I finish reminiscing and look at Ashtain right in front of me. His sharp eyes have softened, and so has his stubborn mouth. The smile he shows only to me, the consideration he shows only to me—each one shakes my heart. At the same time, a terrifying thought crosses my mind. What if all of this is just a dream? What if the hero Ashtain is nothing more than an illusion I created out of despair? What if everything disappears like the Little Mermaid’s bubbles when I open my eyes? Thinking that makes my mind go blank. My inner world feels empty and desolate. Even pressing my hand to my chest doesn’t calm me down.
“Your expression looks bad. What kind of nonsense are you imagining?”
“……Does it show?”
“I’ve been living stuck to you for months now. I can tell, vaguely.”
Has that much time already passed? It’s amazing. When I come to my senses, I realize my memories with you have increased. When I come to my senses, I realize I think of you this much. I gather my courage. I gather every bit of courage I have.
“Ashtain, I have something to say.”
“Something to say?”
“D-Don’t laugh after hearing it, okay?”
“I can’t make any promises.”
He only fiddles with his chin, giving no definite answer.
“Then I won’t say it.”
“Why not just say it first?”
Should I say it? Should I not? If I say this, won’t you disappear like a mirage, and I’ll return to that dark underground room? The thought makes my body tremble. Scared, I burrow deeper into your arms. Ashtain quietly embraces me like that. Desperately hiding my anxiety, I ask,
“……This isn’t a dream, right?”
“A dream?”
It was a serious question, but you burst into cheerful laughter. My face naturally twists in dismay.
“………Liar. I asked you not to, but you laughed right away.”
You take my hand and press it against your chest. The strong, rapid beating of your heart transmits through my palm.
“Still feel like a dream?”
“……Yes, it feels like a dream.”
“It’s definitely reality.”
I pout my lips.
“Does a fake ever call itself fake?”
“I won’t disappear without a word in front of you. I swear it.”
I almost hiccuped. You say it’s real, but I still have no sense of reality, you know? Looking at you, who only says the words I want to hear, there’s no sense of reality at all. Maybe that’s why I can gather my courage.
“……Ashtain, you know.”
“Yeah.”
Your eyes turn to me. I don’t avoid them. I know it’s presumptuous. I know it’s undeserved. But what can I do?
“I like you.”
I say it casually, as if it’s nothing. It’s okay even if this feeling doesn’t reach you. You made it so I couldn’t bear not saying it. Maybe I just wanted you to hear it and let it pass. But why are you frozen?
“……….”
Like someone shot. Like someone caught off guard. Ashtain stares at me silently. I can’t bear those eyes.
“I-I didn’t say it expecting an answer. I-I know I’m a dirty woman. I just… wanted to tell Ashtain that I like you. It’s a weird confession, right? I know, I know, but……”
You don’t say anything. Instead, your lips cover mine. My eyes widen, then slowly close. And I focus on you. Our tongues intertwine densely. As if forgetting how to breathe, I only crave your tongue. Before long, our lips part. It feels regretful, disappointing, and a strange moan escapes me. Saliva stretches between us like a spiderweb.
“Hah.”
We both breathe heavily. Is that my breathing, or yours? It doesn’t matter anymore. In a pleading tone, I beg you.
“Do it one more time.”
Without a word, you devour my lips again. To me, who had always thought of this act as disgusting, this kiss is special. Could something feel this good? Could an act convey such fulfilling love? Why didn’t I know? Smooch, smooch. Lewd wet sounds echo. But neither of us cares, lost in exploring each other. Heat gently warms my body. My lower abdomen tingles. It’s a pleasant ecstasy. Your lips pull away. It’s disappointing. It’s too disappointing to end like this.
“……One more time.”
Even trying to be satisfied, I can’t be. “One more time.” Even trying to quench my thirst, it’s like pouring water into a bottomless jar. “One more time.” I say “one more time” again and again. You match me without showing any sign of annoyance. Before I know it, we’re both panting audibly.
“………Ashtain, I want to do something a little more lewd.”