The Hero and the Saintess (3)
A month had already passed since Aria and I settled in this village. It seemed we’d become fairly well-known figures around here. We’d even earned nicknames. “The Bloodstained Warrior and the Bloodstained Nun,” I think it was. It wasn’t exactly the kind of moniker that made me want to laugh.
I stared at the frost clinging to the windowpane, recalling the days gone by. Just like that absurd nickname suggested, the days when blood dried on my clothes were too many to count. I’d been slaughtering the monsters infesting Mount Ascendio every single day as if trying to wipe out their entire population, so blood was bound to get on me. I’d probably done more than my share to keep their numbers in check.
Aria followed without a single complaint, even though it must have been exhausting for her. At first I thought she simply had remarkable endurance. But I soon realized it wasn’t that at all.
“I can endure it.”
“It’s not difficult at all.”
“Ah, I’m still fine for now.”
Whether she could actually handle it or not, she simply endured, endured, and endured some more. It was an entirely different matter from having good patience. She did it because she was told to. She did it without giving up. She did it even if it destroyed her. That was no longer within the realm of normal thinking.
Even my former comrades, who had better physical stamina than Aria, eventually threw up their hands at my zealous monster hunts. They’d even pointed fingers and called me a man obsessed with monsters. And yet Aria’s basic physical condition was abysmal. There was no way such a forced march could have been good for her.
If only I’d noticed sooner.
I sighed and looked at Aria, who lay groaning in bed. Her face was flushed red like a ripe tomato. The pitiful sight made anger rise unbidden. As a result, my words came out sharper than I intended.
“I told you over and over to rest. So why did you push yourself and create this mess?”
Aria answered with half-lidded eyes, as if speaking to herself.
“...I hated the thought of holding you back because of me, Ashtain.”
Did this idiot not realize that collapsing from overexertion was far more troublesome? I wanted to flick her forehead hard, but remembering she was a patient, I rested my chin on my hand instead.
“Even if you’re going to push yourself, you should at least consider your own body’s condition. Don’t you have any flexibility at all?”
At the repeated questioning, Aria pouted her lips like a duck.
“Yes, I’m sorry for having no flexibility.”
“If you know that, why don’t you fix it?”
At the very least, my former comrades had taken good care of their own bodies. I changed the damp cloth on her forehead. It was burning hot. What a pitiful little fool.
“Besides, what’s so bad about holding me back? It can happen a few times.”
“...I didn’t want to burden you.”
“Why not? Were you afraid I’d find you annoying?”
Aria fell silent. It seemed I’d hit the mark. She really was a handful.
“That won’t happen. We’re comrades, aren’t we?”
At the word comrades, the corners of Aria’s mouth lifted. Seeing her giggle despite being sick, she didn’t seem in her right mind.
“Thank you for thinking of me that way.”
Thank you? What the hell is there to thank me for? I answered gruffly.
“Stop smiling and get some more sleep.”
When I tried to stand up from my spot, someone grabbed my sleeve. I didn’t need to ask who. It was Aria.
“I don’t want to sleep. I’ll have nightmares.”
These weren’t words the usual Aria would have said. Did she become more childish when she was sick?
“You need to sleep if you want to get over that cold.”
She shook her head from side to side.
“...Just a little longer. Please stay by my side just a little longer.”
Her voice, stained with heat and moisture, was fatally seductive, as if trying to tempt a man. It was even worse than the succubus I’d seen before. I pressed my temple, enduring the headache.
“Do you even know what you’re saying right now? Saintess?”
She probably had no idea. After all, she was a saintess who had lived a life of faith completely removed from men. Her obsidian eyes stared straight through me. When she was this still, she really was beautiful.
Aria’s lips moved.
“I know. I know exactly what I’m saying.”
Know my ass. I snorted and patted her shoulder.
“I’m leaving.”
“Don’t go. Please… I’m scared to be alone.”
Aria trembled pitifully. I thought about turning away, but the memory of my older sister from childhood rose up, and I couldn’t bring myself to refuse her coldly. In the end, I sat down on the edge of the bed.
“I’ll stay until you fall into a deep sleep.”
Only then did Aria giggle.
“That’s enough for me.”
I could already see the future where she, having regained her senses, would kick the blankets in embarrassment. Well, that was a problem for later. I brushed back my bangs.
“So, what do you want to do with me here?”
When I asked a little mischievously, Aria buried her head in my chest and nuzzled against me. Then she spoke brightly like a sunflower.
“Hold me.”
“...What?”
I nearly bit my tongue.
“Hold me tight.”
I had to admit that the sick Aria was a stronger opponent than I’d expected. How could she be stronger when ill than when she was healthy?
My head is pounding. It feels like the backlash from pushing myself too hard all this time is finally hitting me. If I had just rested when Ashtain told me to so many times, this wouldn’t have happened.
It must have been excessive enthusiasm on my part. I feel pathetic. Because I don’t know my place, I end up holding him back like this.
An endless sense of self-loathing and disgust toward myself wraps around me like a snare. The person who uses holy spells to heal others is now bedridden with a minor illness—what an absurdity.
“Haa.”
I let out a deep sigh. I could have done better. I’m such an idiot.
Still, Ashtain wouldn’t be disappointed in me and send me back to the cult. He’s not that kind of person.
The cult…
Only after living far away from it did I realize the truth. I don’t want to go back there.
The environment here is incomparably more comfortable than when I was in the cult. I don’t have to forcibly entertain men, and I don’t have to act like a saintess.
…But.
The fact that my existence is hindering Ashtain remains like a thorn in my side. I hate it. I hate blocking the path of such a kind person.
Maybe it would be right for me to leave. Goddess. What should I do?
My head hurts. I really, really want a cigarette right now.
I reached out with my hand, trying to pull myself up to clear my foggy mind. Then something was caught.
It was firm yet elastic skin.
“Mmm?”
What I had touched was Ashtain’s forearm. My brain froze.
Why is he next to me? This… this looks exactly like a man and woman who have just finished an intimate act. O-of course! I know Ashtain isn’t the kind of person who would do that!
When I stirred, Ashtain slowly opened his eyes. He looked at me with traces of fatigue still lingering.
“You’re awake? Thanks to you, I couldn’t sleep a wink.”
“Pardon?”
He couldn’t sleep at all? No way. Did we really sleep together? Why? What on earth happened in the memories I’ve lost? Question marks flooded my mind.
“To think you’d cling to me like that… At this point, are you treating me like a teddy bear, Aria?”
Cling? Me? N-no way? I don’t remember anything?
I hid my agitation and asked.
“W-why, why, why are y-you, you in the, the bed with, with m-me—”
The words came out broken syllable by syllable. I knew my reaction was strange. I was aware of it, but I couldn’t stop the trembling in my voice.
Of course I was shaken. Why was I in the same bed as Ashtain, pressed so closely against him…?
Don’t go.
I’m scared to be alone.
Hold me.
Hold me tight.
The words I had blurted out suddenly flashed through my mind like a panorama. Only then did I remember everything. Why Ashtain was in the bed. Why I was in his arms.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
No, this isn’t a flashback. Because I’m going to die from this.
I shot up from the bed. Then I opened the closed window. A chilly wind blew in. It was fully winter now. A perfect day to throw myself out.
As I tried to hurl my body forward, Ashtain—who must have gotten up at some point—grabbed my waist. The powerful strength from his thick forearm neutralized my sudden attempt to jump.
“Hic, let, let go. I, I… I don’t have the confidence to live with this embarrassing memory! P-please! H-how can I live with a memory like this!”
Despite my fussing, he only gave me a faint smile.
“Looks like your cold’s completely gone.”
His words were gentle. At the same time, they were affectionate.
“I really am sorry for burdening you…”
He looked at me. There was no reproach in his eyes, no resentment. You wouldn’t want me to say things like that. You even stop me from blaming myself. What a cruel person.
I swallowed my words.
“…Thank you for staying by my side.”
Not “I’m sorry,” but “thank you.” He smiled kindly and stroked my hair.
“I’m hungry. Let’s eat.”
Casual, carefree words. Words that brought me peace.
“Ah.”
During this past month of living with him, I had come to a realization. I had realized it naturally. That I had fallen in love with this person.
Love can come suddenly, but there is also love that seeps in quietly, like clothes getting wet in a drizzle. My feelings were closer to the latter.
At the same time, I came to understand how ridiculous and futile those feelings were. Did someone as filthy as me even have the right to love him? I had no such right. I had no right to love anyone.
The fact that I was once a man also acts as a psychological barrier, but what weighs far heavier is the number of men I’ve had relations with. Who could possibly love someone who has been toyed with by so many men? If I were in their position, I would have felt disgusted. Who could love a woman who gives her body to anyone and everyone?
So I had to hide it. These feelings of love I held for him. I had to suppress them, layer by layer.
“If you keep spacing out, I’ll go eat by myself?”
Ashtain says. I feel my heart racing at the sound of his voice. I want to hear your voice a little more. That desire wreaks havoc in my chest. But I must suppress it. Even if it hurts, even if it’s sad. Because there must be a woman more suited to you. Not someone broken like me. There must be someone more worthy.
Still… until that worthy partner comes to your side, would it be all right if I stayed beside you?
“…Let’s go together.”
It was two weeks later that people from the cult came looking for us.