Stepsister
It would have been better if someone like you never existed.
My life was ruined because of a useless thing like you.
I never should have given birth to you.
Even now, every so often, I still think about my mother.
What if I had grown up loved by ordinary parents…? It was a ridiculous fantasy of a family that would never be. The more I entertained such thoughts, the more meaningless they became. It was like driving a knife into my own chest. Imagination could never change reality, after all.
To me, a mother was someone to blame.
Walking down the street, I would see a child my age holding an expensive toy in one hand, walking alongside their mother. That child must have plenty of memories with her. If they lost her, they would probably make a sad face, wouldn’t they? What did “mother” mean to a child like that?
And then there was Han Seorin.
What did “mother” mean to her?
“Hic… Mom, Dad… why, why…!”
Her trembling voice stabbed into my ears. What could hurt her this much? Memories with her parents? Love? If not that, then what? I couldn’t empathize. And so I hesitated. Wasn’t it a kind of fraud for someone who understood nothing to offer comfort? The stupid thought locked my legs in place.
What kind of idiot am I being?
I raked my hands through my hair and forced myself toward her. I had been afraid. Afraid that Seorin might come to hate me. That she might snap at me for comforting her without understanding a thing. Of course she never would. That wasn’t her nature. I was just a coward.
“….”
She was leaning against the wall with vacant eyes. Tears slipped from the corners of them every so often. What was she looking at? The people coming and going? Memories of her dead parents? Neither. She wasn’t looking at anything at all. And I didn’t like it. That look of hers—so different from usual—I couldn’t stand it.
“Seorin.”
When I called her name, a few adults turned to look. Why is that little kid here alone? Where are his parents? They were probably thinking things like that. I pushed through their stares. The crowd. Adults in mourning clothes. And you, leaning against the wall in the middle of it all. There was no room left to care about anyone else. My feet moved faster.
I wasn’t the type to offer comfort or empathy. It was a bother, a nuisance; I had firmly believed I would never do anything of the sort in my life.
“Are you okay?”
My hand moved first. Only for her was there an exception. When I thought about how much pain she must be in, how much she must be suffering, I couldn’t bear it. Even if I was a guy who couldn’t empathize with losing your parents—still, I wanted to stay by her side.
“Hic, hic… Igyeol…”
“You don’t have to say anything. Just… just stay like that.”
“I…”
“….”
I took the hand of the girl who was hurting. It was colder than ever, and hotter too. That helpless look of hers. I wanted to change this version of her that was so different from usual. What should I say? How should I take care of her? I couldn’t understand a single thing about her pain or her sorrow. So I said the only thing I could.
“I’ll stay right here with you.”
“….”
“Stop crying now. There.”
I smiled as I said it. Looking at her in pain, it felt as if my own heart would shatter any second. Hiding that feeling, I carefully wiped the damp corners of her eyes.
“Igyeol…”
“Mm?”
“Thank you. Really, really thank you.”
“…It’s nothing.”
How many days passed after that? Our everyday life changed a great deal. When we ate, I scooped up food with a spoon and put it in her mouth. When she went to the bathroom, I waited outside. It was awkward for me, but she had begged so earnestly that I had no choice. At night she said she was scared and fell asleep holding my hand, so I had no choice but to sleep beside her. When she washed her face, I washed it for her. Every time, the stares of the adults around us made me uncomfortable. They looked at us fondly as they passed. It was a little embarrassing, but if I told myself it was for her, I could ignore it.
They moved the coffin. They cremated the body. The funeral was drawing to a close.
“….”
For some reason a solemn weight pressed me to bow my head, and she sat beside me holding my hand. Han Seorin leaned against me and murmured softly.
“Igyeol.”
I turned to face her as I always did. Eyes that no longer looked broken. Because of my efforts, she had gotten back on her feet. Looking at her like that, I felt a strange sense of accomplishment. My efforts hadn’t been worthless after all. Still, I couldn’t help worrying.
“Thank you. If you hadn’t been here… I don’t know what I would have done.”
“…Are you okay?”
“I’m okay now.”
“But—”
“I’m really okay.”
She laced her fingers with mine and looked at me with a strange light in her eyes. Among the adults in mourning clothes, the two of us stood out as especially out of place. No one thought it was strange. So I let it go. Even though I noticed that dissonance, I let it go.
“Something important came up.”
The smell of incense from the funeral hall somehow tickled the tip of my nose.
After that, Seorin asked to see my mother. She said she had something she wanted to tell her and pleaded with me to arrange a meeting somehow. At the time, I didn’t particularly care what she planned to say.
“I’ll try.”
Setting something up myself was hard. My mother barely came home to begin with, and she answered every request of mine with curses. But it was Seorin’s request. Even if I had to take some abuse for it, I had to at least try.
“Excuse us…”
I brought her into the house. As it happened, my mother was inside. Her face twisted the moment she realized I had brought someone with me. She didn’t stop there; she spat out one harsh thing after another. I glanced at Seorin, fretting needlessly—what if seeing my mother like this made her hate me?
“Don’t worry.”
She smiled at me with her eyes as she said it. Stepping one pace ahead, Seorin bowed her head.
“Hello, Igyeol’s mother. I’m Han Seorin, from the same class.”
My mother’s hostile stare didn’t change. Seorin went on.
“Igyeol really does take after you. You’re so pretty.”
“You think flattery’s going to work on me?”
Objectively speaking, my mother was quite the beauty. That was exactly why empty compliments about her looks didn’t land. Seorin shook her head.
“No. I came because I have something to say to you.”
“I’m not interested—”
“I also brought a gift for you…”
As she spoke, Seorin showed her a bag. Even without saying it, the look of the thing made it obvious—a high-end luxury bag. My mother swallowed hard.
“Well. I suppose I can hear you out. Come into the room, kid.”
In an instant my mother’s mouth twisted into a smile. Even being her son, she was so easy to read. My mother and Seorin headed for the master bedroom. Of course I was worried about Seorin, and she must have sensed my gaze.
“Igyeol.”
“….”
“Just wait a little, okay?”
With that she walked into the room. The second hand of the clock moved.
Tick.
The conversation wasn’t long. About twenty minutes? After waiting that long, the two of them came out. My mother emerged from the room with a bright face, the bag clutched to her chest. Whatever had been said inside, at least it hadn’t gone badly. Seorin looked satisfied too. The talk she had wanted to have must have gone well.
“Igyeol, let’s go play.”
“Is the conversation… all done?”
“Yeah. The important part’s finished.”
Saying so, she dragged me outside. We played together all day, but something about her was different from before. Her gaze lingered on me more than usual.
At school they teased us. Little kids always love to embarrass a pair if it looks like they might be dating, don’t they?
Seorin and Igyeol are going out.
It was a ridiculous rumor. I could snort and brush it off, but I worried about Seorin’s reaction. What if she hated it? Girls were sensitive about that kind of thing.
“Seorin, are you okay?”
“Yeah? About what?”
She had clearly heard it, yet she acted as if she didn’t know what the problem was. No—she simply refused to treat it as a problem.
“The rumor… that the two of us are dating.”
“I don’t mind.”
“What?”
“Igyeol, do you… not like it?”
I hastily buried my delight and changed the subject. From that day on, our contact at school only increased. We had always been close, but the physical contact—holding hands and the like—grew. Every time it happened I was in trouble. It was getting hard to look at her as just a friend. Whether she knew how I felt or not, Seorin wore a little-devil smile.
“Let’s go.”
Led by her hand, I walked the road home from school. Something was changing. Whether that change was a good thing, I still didn’t know.
The next morning, she didn’t come to school.
“She’s not here…”
I searched the whole school all day and never found her. She was allowed to rest for a day. Telling myself that, I got through the hours and went home.
I hope Seorin’s resting well at her place…
Thinking that, I turned the doorknob.
Click.
With the sound of the door, something moved from the direction of my room.
“Igyeol, you’re home?”
A voice that absolutely should not have been in this house. And it was coming from my room. Seorin peered at me through the crack of the door. It was unmistakably her. She stepped out and came to greet me. Her outfit was a pair of dolphin pants and one loose black T-shirt. The shirt was probably the one I had worn yesterday.
“Surprised?”
“What the…”
My brain couldn’t catch up with the situation. While I was still clutching my head, my mother walked out of her room. She spoke bluntly.
“I adopted her. Her birthday’s later, so you’ll probably be the older brother.”
Why would my mother adopt Seorin…?
This was a person who would never adopt anyone. Someone who treated children like burdens had no reason to take one in.
“Little sister, say hello.”
I opened and closed my mouth like a goldfish. It wasn’t that I wanted to look stupid. The words that should have come out simply wouldn’t. I looked at my mother for a moment, then back at my “little sister.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Orabeoni.”
I didn’t miss the curve of her lips. She had become… my stepsister.
It was something that happened in the moldy, rotting Daldongnae.