The Clumsy Bishop and the Handsome Automaton
"The barbarians raided the Northern Wall? How the hell did they climb it?"
"Your Excellency, that part is under investigation."
The brown-haired woman furrowed her brow. It wasn't anger or irritation bubbling up.
Just worry.
"Not Freira... I mean, is Lady Karstein safe?"
"Yes. She was kidnapped, but apparently a single automaton rescued her."
What?
The moment she heard "automaton," the woman recoiled with instinctive disgust. The paladins at the entrance of the bishop's office snickered.
"A soulless tin can... Well, that figures. This must be the grace of the Lord too."
"May the Lord shine upon all things."
"I need to go see Duke Karstein."
The bishop shot to her feet. She immediately slammed her knee into the desk with a cute thud.
"Ow!?"
"Ah, Bishop Alsanna. Are you alright?"
She always hit the exact same spot, denting the desk leg.
"I'm f-fine... Ayot! And this time, I'm going alone, so no one follow me."
"But the letter from the Holy Kingdom for His Excellency the Duke..."
"No buts. I'll deliver it myself, so just rest."
Ahem.
Bishop Alsanna cleared her throat awkwardly and left the cathedral.
It was also for the sake of the priests and paladins, weary from always escorting her.
Of course, it wasn't entirely selfless.
Hehehe. Time to stuff myself with sweets.
She'd indulge in all the snacks she'd held back to maintain her dignity. And drop by the duke's residence for some girl talk with her childhood friend Freira.
Lost in thought, Alsanna failed to dodge a rock in her path.
"Eek!"
Her foot caught, and she tumbled. Her massive breasts cushioned the fall, so it didn't hurt too much.
Unfortunately, the Holy Kingdom's letter she was holding flew off in the wind.
"Wh-what do I dooo...!"
Bishop of the Karstein Diocese, Alsanna Erhen.
End of Empire players called her this.
Alsanna the Hag. Or the Clumsy Bishop.
Hmm.
I'm staring at my reflection in the mirror. The scars from my self-harm are still there.
The magic tower guy said he'd tune up my synthetic skin tomorrow morning, so I just have to wait till then.
Unable to bear it, Freira stepped up to give me temporary eyes, nose, and mouth.
The result? The uncanny valley.
Freira, you really have no talent for drawing.
It looked like a kindergartener's scribble. But somehow creepy and chilling.
"The bathroom is that way."
> Mute activated
Sometimes her pre-recorded lines play on their own. With this face, it'd be straight-up horror, so I muted it.
It's the dead of night now. Everyone's asleep.
Automatons don't need sleep, so after singing a lullaby to the lady, I'm standing in the hallway.
- There's a traitor. Someone who knows the wall's structure in detail.
Duke Ulrich's words from earlier echo in my head. No one detected the barbarian raid, so of course.
Don't worry. I know who the traitor is.
More importantly, I need a weapon upgrade first.
The broken alloy shears will get replaced, but how much better it'll be is anyone's guess.
Or I could just go fetch it myself.
Conveniently, I know exactly where a top-tier weapon is.
I slipped out of the duke's residence, avoiding the patrolling guards.
Right now, I'm at a rocky outcrop in a remote corner of the duchy. No people, not even ants or birds.
Why come all the way here?
Holy sword inside.
For real.
Only heroes and saints of each era know the location.
Well, no saints appear in the main story, so it's safe to say only I know.
Normally, you need a certain strength stat to break the wall...
But with this arcanium alloy body, it should be fine, right?
I stood rigidly in front of the wall on both feet.
Locomotion. Maximum output.
> Do not waste system log computation resources on mere walking function
The system log is picking a fight.
Do it.
> Locomotion, maximum output, advance initiated
Rumble.
I just rammed my torso into it, and the stone wall crumbled helplessly. ...No one's around anyway, so it's fine.
I entered the hidden chamber. In the center, covered in moss, a silver sword was embedded in the stone. Faint moonlight seeped out, illuminating the darkness.
Normally only the chosen hero can pull it, but...
With enough divine power (physical), maybe?
I stood before the sword and reverently gripped the hilt with both hands.
> Divine power detected
> High possibility of being the 'holy sword' currently searched by the Holy Kingdom
> Entity is automaton
> Contact not recommended
It's not a possibility—it's definitely the holy sword, tin can.
But I'm not pulling it yet, and realistically, I probably can't anyway.
Core overclock initiate.
> Entity, recommend calm thinking
> Risk of reduced core lifespan
Core overclock initiate.
Endure this?
Cores can be replaced, but there's only one holy sword.
> Core overclock initiated
> Servomotors 3, 4, 5 at maximum output
> Gear angular velocity maximum
Grrrrrind—the room shook. My feet dug into the stone floor.
> Hydraulic system overload
> Excessive load
> Risk of chassis spine damage
Proceed.
The hilt rose slowly. The holy sword was being drawn by the hands of an unworthy tin can.
As expected, enough physics is like a mira—
Cracklerumblecrash.
Oh.
I pulled the holy sword.
Along with the entire chunk of ground it was embedded in.
> Excessive load
Even for an automaton body, it's insanely heavy. Borrowing from some great dark fantasy comic...
It was too big to be called a sword. Enormously large, thick, and crude.
No, this is straight-up a flail.
I guarantee it'll be a blunt damage judgment, not slashing.
> Estimated incompatible form
> High possibility Holy Kingdom will deem it blasphemy
This time, I'll concede.
The system log's concern is pretty reasonable. When a player pulls the holy sword, they're human, so the Holy Kingdom instantly recognizes them as a hero.
But I'm an automaton now. The soulless tin cans priests hate most.
And parading around with this flail form?
The outcome is predictable.
- A soulless tin can stole the holy sword!
- Definitely possessed by a demon.
- Blasphemy! Burn it at the stake now!
- It won't burn, so melt it in lava...
Sigh.
Good that I pulled it, but timing's off. Better stick it back for now.
Rumble.
I jammed the crude flail—ground or sword, who knows—back in place. Looks like it was never touched.
I was meticulously repairing the crumbled wall brick by brick outside the hidden room.
No hero around, and unless it's a saint, no one knows this spot.
No saints in End of Empire. Closest was a heroine, though.
Alsanna Erhen.
The bishop of Karstein lands who later rises to cardinal. Never quite becomes a saint.
Thinking of her makes me wanna see her. That divine pouch was huge, and teasing her gave great feedback.
End of Empire community pick: Number one heroine you wanna make cry.
Well, I'm an automaton now. Even Alsanna would hate me.
As I swallowed bitterness internally, a paper fluttered in.
The sealed surface read:
To His Excellency, Duke Karstein.
Deliver via Bishop Alsanna.
I immediately scanned the area. This letter from the Holy Kingdom to Duke Ulrich—circumstantially, it had to be Alsanna's.
The Clumsy Bishop wouldn't lose something important.
And sure enough.
Huddled by a fence in a nearby alley was a woman in priest robes.
"...Hic... What do I do."
A cry that stirred sadistic urges. Straight brown hair, face buried in overwhelming bosom.
Clumsy Bishop Alsanna the Hag.
Found.
I deliberately stomped loudly as I approached, startling Alsanna.
"Wh-who!? Stop!"
"…."
She jumped up and yelled at me. My silhouette in the shadows, probably.
"Don't come closer! Stay there! Any closer and I'll miracle you!"
I need to get close to hand over the letter she dropped. I strode forward.
"A-an automaton...? B-but the face is so..."
"…."
I know. Freira's horrific drawing skills. Even I flinch every time I see the mirror.
Maybe she's terrified.
"Kyaaah!! G-gross!! Demon-possessed tin can!!"
She's trembling all over. Not just scared—about to piss herself.
No other way. I can't talk.
I thundered right up to her nose.
"Lo-Lord!!!"
Plop.
Her legs gave out, and she collapsed. Her big pumpkin-colored eyes brimmed with tears.
Her sniffling echoed in the night.
Damn, I wanna bully her so bad.
Am I already?
"Th-this is blasphemy... Soulless tin can sir, please stop..."
"Lost item retrieved. Is this yours?"
I held out the letter to her tearful face. Now I see her hands are caked in dirt. She must've searched all day without telling her attendants.
Pure heart intact, as expected.
"...The letter. You were returning it to me?"
"Affirmative. Yes, miss."
No other recordings besides "miss"?
Sniff.
Alsanna swallowed her sobs and took the letter. Now she can save face and head back to the cathedral safely.
"I-I see. The Lord sent you."
What Lord? I just picked it up.
Alsanna dusted her clothes, stood, and thrust out her chest with sudden dignity.
Damn, it's huge.
"Ahem! I am Alsanna Erhen, bishop of the Karstein Diocese. You! Soulless tin can, but this time you've served your purpose!"
...Kinda wanna flick her forehead?
Priests from the Holy Kingdom won't treat me kindly anyway. Gotta think about what relationship to build with Alsanna this run.
As I turned with a grunt, Alsanna grabbed me.
"W-wait... That's not what I meant."
"Do you need assistance?"
"Y-yes. So..."
The bishop, ordained by the Holy Kingdom, bowed her head to me.
"Thank you for helping."
They teach you not to bow to machines in the church. She just broke that rule head-on. Excommunication bait if anyone saw.
"...What am I doing? Stupid. Automatons can't understand words anyway."
I do.
I even thought maybe we could be friends this run too.
I picked up the scripture she dropped and handed it over.
But now I notice her priest robe skirt is glistening underneath.
Something wet on her inner thigh.
...Did she seriously wet herself?
She went to the bathroom a lot in the original too, I think?
"Th-this! It's not...!"
"The bathroom is that way."
Alsanna flushed beet red and shrieked.
"N-no, it's not! I didn't pee! Just sweat from nerves!! G-get inside carefully!!"
She puffed her cheeks, stomped off to the cathedral. Her breasts jiggled nicely.
Hmm. Those tits shake great.
Maybe she doesn't hate automatons as much as I thought?
I tilted my head and headed back to the residence.
The next morning.
The magic tower folks finally arrived at the duke's residence with the synthetic skin.
Whatever, how hot can it be.
I sat indifferently before the mirror. Freira, chin in hand beside me, grinned excitedly for some reason.
"Hamel. Exciting, right? ...I designed the skin myself. Hope it suits you."
Yeah yeah. Can't talk, so at least look human.
How much time passed?
The magic tower magitech engineer beamed.
"Whoa. Masterpiece. Big frame like this model's just looks tall and handsome."
"…."
Freira stared at my face silently. Like she was entranced, dazed.
What, how good is it?
I checked the mirror.
Oh?
Don't wanna brag, but...
I'm hot?
Objectively good, right?
As I turned my head this way and that in wonder,
"...Ah."
A gasp escaped Freira.
Just one syllable, but loaded with meaning. My mechanical sensors prickled.
Gulp.
D-did I just hear her swallow?
Must be imagination. Has to be.
Freira tucked her flushed ear hair back and asked me.
"S-so, Hamel. What do you think? To me... it looks good. Do you like it, Hamel?"
Her voice sounds kinda wet?
Either way, it's a tune-up from the duke's lady for me. Gotta respond politely.
Yes, miss.
That's too soulless.
Of course, miss. Something like that.
Not recorded, so time to perfectly synthesize voice.
Last time, word-by-word piecing failed hard... This time, syllables.
Start with "wa".
"Water."
Silence fell.
Freira and the engineer glanced at each other.
Oh...
So, a worthless automaton just demanded water from the Northern Duke's daughter.
With one word.
Idiot tin can! Useless piece of junk!!
As I pondered self-harm, Freira bolted up and pattered off.
"W-water, right? Y-yeah!"
She came back panting with a glass.
"Here, huff. Here, Hamel."
Hmm.
Feels like I got my own personal water dispenser.