Untying the Knotted Thread
One day, I had a thought like that.
Maybe reincarnation was just a delusion a girl made up to forget the brutal life she was trapped in.
I’d dismissed it quickly enough, because the memory was too vivid to brush off as mere fantasy. But whenever I looked at how different I was from everyone else, that thought would come creeping back.
And after I met Edel, I was forced to admit that my memories weren’t just some delusion.
...So what?
Knowing that changed nothing about my life.
Talking to Edel only drove the fact home harder: I was an impurity.
I had memories of that other world, yet I didn’t belong to it.
I was born in this world, but I wasn’t wholly part of it either.
An impurity that belonged nowhere.
And I’d wanted someone like that to come to me?
“...No.”
I’d never wanted anything like that, not even once.
“No.”
But Journey flatly denied my words.
“You might not have said it out loud, but Kana definitely wanted that.”
Her voice was soft and soothing, like she was calming a child.
Before I realized it, I’d taken a step back from her.
“Remember? When we first met. Kana saved my life.”
“...I only did that because I was hunting a cockatrice.”
“If that was all it was, then you could’ve just waited for the cockatrice to kill me, couldn’t you?”
“...I just didn’t want it dragging on.”
“Okay, fine, we’ll leave it at that. But if you knew I was following you, why didn’t you stop me?”
“That was... I figured Garid would’ve liked it if I used Granic.”
Kana would’ve known for sure.
She was right.
At the time, I had known she was trailing behind me.
Journey took another step toward me, and I backed away once more to avoid her.
“You taught me swordsmanship, too. And you saved me from the imperial army.”
“...”
I’d only taught her because her sword swings were so hopelessly terrible I couldn’t bear to watch anymore.
As for the imperial army, they’d been after me from the start, so if anything, it was more accurate to say that they had helped me.
Word by word.
Each time a sentence slipped from Journey’s lips, I retreated another step.
And each time, she advanced toward me.
Step for step, our distance was clearly narrowing.
And then, at last, she was close enough that she could have reached out and taken my hand.
“Most of all, if you really hated having someone come close to you, then you would’ve said no when I asked to go with you. But you didn’t.”
Going alone would have been so much easier. So much faster.
“...”
I couldn’t breathe for a second.
I wanted to argue.
I wanted to see if my guess was right.
Or,
If I can’t understand her, that’ll be a problem.
A few other reasons came to mind as well.
But the more I thought about them, the more I realized they were nothing but shabby excuses.
There were plenty of more efficient ways to verify whether my guess was right than keeping tabs on every move she made.
And the annoyance of not being able to communicate properly with her was nothing compared to the headache of traveling with her.
Even so, I was desperately turning my brain over, trying to come up with some way to refute her words when—
Thud.
“...Ah.”
Warmth crashed into me out of nowhere, stealing the words from my mouth.
This wasn’t the first time I’d been held in her arms.
But for some reason...
this warmth felt different. More special.
“...”
“...”
Journey held me and said nothing.
Then, before I knew it, something hot was sliding down my cheek.
Only then did I realize I’d been crying for a long time.
“I was scared.”
Wrapped tightly in Journey’s arms, I said the thoughts rising up inside me exactly as they were.
“Scared of feeling like everything I am was collapsing. Scared of feeling everything I had disappear again.”
No one would ever accept me wholly the way Garid had, and even if someone did, they would eventually leave my side someday.
I was an impurity that didn’t belong anywhere.
Then I’d lose everything again, and end up alone in this world.
That thought terrified me like crazy.
On top of that, Journey was a player who knew this world only as a game.
She was the kind of existence that could vanish whenever her interest faded.
And even if she didn’t lose interest, something could happen in the real world and keep her from logging in.
Then I’d just keep waiting, never knowing why.
Like a fennec fox waiting for its prince.
At first, I might get angry.
After that, I might be sad, because I’d feel abandoned.
But in the end, all of that would disappear too, and an endless sense of futility and emptiness would swallow me whole.
“...Yeah. I see.”
Still holding me, Journey listened to my incoherent rambling and gently rubbed my back.
When she eased me out of her arms just a little, the warmth that had filled my whole body drifted away with her.
Shivering in the cold night air that rushed in to take its place, I looked up to find her holding out a flower in front of me.
It was the very same flower she’d tucked into my hair earlier.
“Do you know what this flower means?”
“...”
“‘Longing for someone who has gone away.’ And...”
She bent slightly, bringing her eyes level with mine.
The face reflected in Journey’s gaze was a complete mess.
“It also means ‘anticipation of a new meeting.’ Isn’t that interesting? Two opposite meanings in one flower. I bet the person who came up with that flower language in the first place—”
Journey gently took my hand.
When I looked down, the flower she’d been holding was already in my palm.
“Maybe they understood that meeting and parting can never really be separated. If there’s a new meeting, there’s a new farewell, too. But I don’t see it that way.”
If you’re afraid of the farewell that will one day come, and so you avoid meeting anyone at all, that would be incredibly sad.
“You’d just be choosing to live alone and lonely, without ever meeting anyone. Isn’t that too sad?”
“...I don’t know.”
Come to think of it...
except for the time I lived with Garid, I’d always been alone.
Even when I was in the slums, moving around with kids who were a bit like me.
Even when I led the knights after Garid was gone.
I was always with someone, but I never felt as if I were with anyone.
“Kana might not have felt it, but inside, you probably kept thinking, ‘I don’t want to be alone.’”
Journey’s thumb came up to my face and gently brushed my cheek.
From my cheek down to the under-eye area.
She traced it all with meticulous care, then smiled.
“I want Kana to be happy.”
“...”
I want you to be happy.
Along with Journey’s voice, a deep, heavy one overlapped it from somewhere beyond.
A voice I missed, but would never hear again.
“...You’re not going to leave me, are you?”
I knew that everything comes to an end, and that my meeting with Journey would end someday, too.
Even knowing that, I still asked her anyway.
At my question, Journey nodded a little too dramatically.
“Of course not. Would an older sister abandon her little sister and run off?”
“...Promise me you won’t leave.”
“I promise. Absolutely.”
The warmth that had drifted away came back close again.
“I’ll never leave Kana behind.”
Did she know what I was thinking when I said things like this?
Probably not.
That this world was both a game and the real world.
That the people in this world weren’t just NPCs following programmed paths, but real people.
That I knew all of that.
And still, I surrendered my body to the warmth.
Then, in Journey’s arms, I whispered to her in a small voice.
“...My name is Canaria Grasis.”
No,
“Canaria. Just Canaria.”
“Yeah. Canaria.”
“...Take care of me from now on, Daeun.”
“...! Yeah! You take care of me too!”
Daeun grinned brightly and hugged me tight once more.
Annoying.
Still...
“...”
It’s warm.
* * *
“Ugh....”
While exchanging morning greetings with Daeun, I suddenly remembered what had happened the night before, and my face flushed hot.
The night we finally untangled the knot that had been wound so tightly we had no idea where to even start.
Daeun and I talked about a lot of things.
My childhood, the things that happened in the knights, the days I spent with Garid.
The beginning had been hard, but once I actually started talking, the words came pouring out without hesitation.
Daeun told me all sorts of things, too.
There were a few times she flinched while carefully choosing what she could and couldn’t say, but it was obvious she was trying her best to tell me as much as she could, so whenever she stumbled, I pretended not to notice and let it slide.
And while listening to her story, something else occurred to me.
I don’t remember it clearly, but in my previous life, I think individuals could broadcast over the internet.
I’d thought it was strange, the way she kept talking to herself so much and how quickly her words spread, but once I realized that she had a job like that, it made sense.
For some reason, it seemed like she hadn’t been streaming that night... Maybe Daeun didn’t want other people hearing the honest, private conversation the two of us were having.
If she’d been the kind of person to blurt all that out to the world from the start, maybe we never would’ve gotten this close.
Noticing me hesitate, Daeun asked, “Hm? What is it?”
“...Nothing.”
Wanting to be left alone, being scared, begging her not to leave me...
I was too emotionally overwhelmed back then to care, but now that I thought about the things I’d said, every single one of them was embarrassing.
...Of course, I don’t regret what happened.
If not for that night, Daeun and I never would have untied the knot and started again from the beginning.
Even though I’d clearly said it was nothing, Daeun was still looking down at me with worried eyes.
Under that awkward, doting stare, I scratched my cheek and changed the subject.
“About our plans going forward...”
“Huh?! We’re leaving already?”
“No. Not yet.”
I shook my head.
I had poured out the old feelings that had been quietly rotting in the back of my mind, but that didn’t mean I’d suddenly regained my interest in the festival.
We’d worked hard getting here from what had once been Grasis territory, so my thought was that we should rest for a few days first.
...And also.
“...You wanted to see it, didn’t you?”
The Advent Ceremony.
It was embarrassing to look her in the eye and say it, so I averted my gaze a little when I spoke.
“...”
“?”
I’d expected an answer right away, but strangely, Daeun didn’t react at all.
Something was obviously wrong, so I looked back at her—and found her just staring blankly at me like an idiot, completely dazed.
Wondering what on earth was wrong with her, I tilted my head.
Then the light came back into her eyes.
“...What is this? This adorable life form...? Is it even legal to be this cute?”
“What are you talking about?”
What a drama queen.
I snorted.
“Anyway, that’s after the Advent Ceremony.”
You’re coming with me, right?
That was the meaning behind the look I gave Daeun as I glanced up at her.
She didn’t disappoint me.
“Of course I’m coming with you! Where are we going this time?”
Was she excited to travel, or excited to be going with me?
Either way, seeing how happy she looked didn’t feel bad.
“We’re going to Laxia.”
“...Huh? Where did you say?”
“Laxia, the Demon Continent.”
At my words, Daeun froze in place like a sheet of glass cracking from top to bottom.
Seeing her reaction, I gave a quiet nod.
Yeah. That was definitely not the sort of place anyone would be happy about.
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