A Week Without Her (2)
"...Huh?.."
I blinked blankly.
What just happened?
The study was choked with dust, the shelves toppled every which way. Gone was any trace of the neat, orderly room it had been moments before—it was pure chaos.
...Did I do this?
I only touched it lightly, though...?
No.
Something was definitely wrong. A shelf nearly three times my height had no business collapsing from something so slight.
"I... I should clean this up first..."
"What was that noise..! Oh my goodness!!"
Hearing the tremendous crash, several maids rushed into the study in a panic. They took one look at the wreckage and froze—then their eyes swung to me.
"....Young miss..?"
They stared at me in utter disbelief. I waved my hands frantically and hurried to explain.
"I didn't do it..!! I just touched it, and the shelf fell over on its own!"
"...Pardon?"
"I was trying to pull out a book and barely brushed against it, and then the shelf just..."
"....."
"I... I only touched it a tiny bit..."
The more I talked, the flatter their eyes became. Their pitying gazes drained the confidence from my voice bit by bit.
"S-so, what I mean is..."
They exchanged a silent look, then approached with wry smiles.
"It's all right, young miss. We'll clean it up. You're not hurt anywhere, are you?"
"I-I'm telling you, it really wasn't me..?"
I tried pleading one more time, but their expressions didn't change.
I knew it too. Unless that shelf had clutched the back of its own neck and thrown itself over, I was the only person in the room. Anyone looking at this would conclude I'd done it. From their perspective, I must have looked like I was making pathetic excuses.
Tears of frustration welled up, but I couldn't bring myself to say another word. I had no proof that I hadn't done it.
As if to spare my feelings, one of the maids looked at me warmly.
"It truly is all right, young miss. We're just glad you weren't hurt."
"....."
"We need to tidy up, so would you mind stepping out for a little while?"
".....Okay."
In the end, I trudged out of the study at her words, telling myself the soft tsk I'd heard over someone's shoulder had only been my imagination.
"I'm so sorry, young miss.. I got caught by the head maid on my way back.."
"...."
In the end, all I could do was crawl back into bed and hide. Alina came looking for me. She said she'd gone to find a ladder only to be cornered by Rosewen and held up for quite some time.
I couldn't bring myself to scold her. Instead I buried my face deep in the pillow, radiating every signal I could that I wanted no further conversation.
"Young miss.. please cheer up.. all right?"
"Just go.. I don't want to do anything else today.."
"But young miss.."
"I said get out!.."
The moment the shout left my mouth I regretted it, but there was no taking the words back.
"...Then please rest for today. I'll come again tomorrow."
Alina looked at me with pity, pulled the blanket a little higher over me, and quietly left the room.
"...I'm pathetic."
I hated myself for treating Alina so harshly. It wasn't her fault. I'd snapped at her simply because I wanted someone—anyone—to blame, and the self-loathing that followed was crushing.
Had I always been this pathetic?
I didn't used to be like this. Somewhere along the way, my self-worth had sunk without a bottom. Back when I'd lived with Lily and Dania, I'd always managed to stay positive and push forward. Now my head was nothing but a swirl of thoughts that tormented me.
I'll apologize again tomorrow.
I'd tell Alina I was sorry for being cold. And I shouldn't have left the mess in the study for the maids to clean up either. I should have fixed what I'd caused myself—I'd just been so flustered that I'd run away. Tomorrow I'd go find them too and ask for their forgiveness.
"...I'm so tired...."
My eyelids grew heavier. I closed them and drifted gently into sleep, resolving that starting tomorrow, I would live with energy again.
"Lady Hera.. she does seem a bit clumsy, doesn't she?"
Thump—
My heart lurched.
"Right? Last time she cleaned her room so strangely. Restoring it was such a hassle."
Thump-thump—
My whole body began to tremble along with my heart.
"If she weren't someone the Master treasures so much, I'd have said something by now."
"Still, her face is truly beautiful. Every time I see her, it somehow lifts my mood."
"If she'd just stay still, it would be so much better."
Kyarr— Their laughter spilled through the door.
I clamped both hands over my shaking breath, trying to smother every sound. I'd woken up and come straight to the maids' break room to apologize. The very moment I reached for the door—their idle chatter drifted through from the other side.
That light, careless talk struck me like a knife.
I stumbled backward and fled the spot.
Patapat—
I ran without thinking. Someone's voice seemed to call after me, but I ignored it and sprinted for my room.
— She does seem a bit clumsy..
— Cleaned her room so strangely..
— If she'd just stay still..
Even as I ran, their words clung to my ears like afterimages. I didn't want to run into anyone. I just wanted to be alone.
"Hah... hah.."
How long had I been running? By the time my lungs burned, I finally reached my door.
My room. The one place I could breathe easy.
But when I opened the door with trembling hands, it was nothing like I'd hoped. Alina was already waiting inside.
"Ah. Young miss, you're back! Where did you go?"
She came toward me with a bright, sunny expression.
"Young miss.. are you all right? You don't look well. Do you have a fever?"
"D-don't come near me!"
The instant her hand reached for my forehead, I shoved her away without thinking.
"Eek?"
Thud-crash— Alina toppled hard backward with a short scream. The stunned look she gave me made my body flinch.
What had I just done?
I hadn't even managed to apologize—and now I'd hurt her.
"...I-I'm sorry!! Are you okay..?!"
I rushed over and held out my hand. Alina looked at me for a moment, then sighed and took it.
"Haa.. young miss, why have you been like this lately?"
"I'm really sorry.. I just did it without thinking.."
She dusted off her backside a few times, then put a smile back on her face.
"Why don't we go get some air?"
Holding her hand, I stepped out into the mansion's garden. Flowers of every vivid color dressed the grounds in brilliance. With every step we took, a fresh breeze brushed across my face.
"Pretty, isn't it? It's quite carefully tended."
"...Yeah.. it is."
As if nothing had happened at all, she kept treating me with nothing but kindness.
..I'm such an idiot.
Receiving this kind of consideration from a girl younger than me made me feel so small.
I'd decided to think positively, Hera. Those maids talking about me hadn't meant anything cruel by it. I'd just overheard them at a bad moment—that was all. I scrubbed the spiraling fantasies from my mind as best I could. I'd caused real problems, after all; it wasn't strange that they'd say those things.
It's fine.
I can still fix this starting now. I'll apologize to them properly and ask for forgiveness.
Thinking positively made the flowers around me look even brighter. Warm sunlight wrapped around me as if offering courage. I clenched my fists and stopped walking.
"Alina. I'm sorry."
"Pardon?"
She stopped as well.
"For being cold to you yesterday.. and for pushing you today. I'm truly sorry. My emotions just got the better of me for a moment.."
Alina looked at me with a somewhat dazed expression. I didn't stop—I kept pouring my heart out to her.
"And even so, you've kept coming to me with such kindness. I'm really grateful. From now on, I'll try my best to be of help around here too."
"...."
Was it my imagination?
For the briefest instant, her face seemed to twist. But when I looked again, she was only smiling.
Silence stretched between us for a while. At last, she answered.
"You're truly admirable, young miss."
A positive reply. A single thread of hope seemed to color my worn-out heart. Facing someone properly and apologizing really had been the right answer.
"But. If at all possible, I think it would actually help more if you didn't do anything!"
Facing someone properly and apologizing had been—
Apologizing....
...
".....What?"
"You're someone the Master personally brought here, after all! Of course we have to treat you kindly. If that weren't the case, we wouldn't have paid you any mind."
"Ah.....no.."
"I'm truly grateful that you want to be of help to us.. but honestly, you're not very good at this kind of work, are you?"
If you'd just stay still, that would actually be more convenient for us!
Thud—
The strength left my legs all at once, and my knees slammed into the bare ground. Bright red blood began to well from my pale knees, but I couldn't see it at all.
"Young miss? Are you all right?"
Alina came toward me with concern. My insides twisted. Her worry for me started to feel like cheap pity, and the bright smile she'd worn for me only moments ago began to look like a sneer meant to mock me.
Around me, their voices rose again.
— She does seem a bit clumsy..
— Cleaned her room so strangely..
— If she'd just stay still..
"I-it's not.. I can.. be of help.."
Really?
Could I really?
Me, who caused accidents wherever I went—could I actually be of any help to them?
Maybe Alina was right. Maybe doing nothing would be better.
My breathing roughened again, and my body started to shake.
"I.. can help.."
"Young miss."
She gently wrapped her hands around my violently trembling ones.
"A-Alina.."
When I looked up, she was still wearing that gentle-looking smile.
"Still, the fact that you apologized was truly wonderful. I was moved."
"....."
"While you're in the mood, let's go apologize to those people too! I'm sure they'll accept it."
"Th-those people..?"
"We've come nearby anyway, so we should be able to meet them soon. Come on, follow me!"
Like a doll with its strings cut, I could only let myself be dragged along by her.
But as if some cruel god were playing a joke—
"I believe I made it clear that I hoped you would not come again."
A man looked down at me. Clad in armor shot through with gold, he was someone I had seen once before.
"You say you've come to apologize... Are you doing this on purpose?"
"Ha.... Listen carefully, young miss."
"That bastard Dillon. He retired from the knight order due to the aftereffects of his external injuries. You won't be seeing him again."
"So your apology cannot be accepted. Kindly take your leave now."
And just like that—
the last rope holding my mind together snapped clean through.