Intimacy (3)
For some reason, Rose had burst out laughing even in the middle of this situation, so I left her be; and Dalia and Delphinium, wearing expressions I couldn't tell were flustered or something else entirely, I left be as well.
I stared hard at Hayun and Jua, unable to tell whether the two of them had fought or not.
Jua's face was red. She didn't look angry. But then, she wasn't usually one whose expression shifted that much—outside of when she was angry or irritated, that is.
Then again, Hayun wasn't the kind of kid who could toss out a curse like that without batting an eye, either. I scratched my head.
"...Let's have a talk, you two."
Since not a single one of the kids here seemed inclined to mediate between the two of them, I took Hayun and headed into the tent. Even as I did, Rose let loose another round of laughter, and Jua watched the two of us with an expression that was, in any number of ways, hard to read—strange, that much I'll admit.
Hayun came into the tent with her face dyed scarlet.
I closed the flap first, and we sat down facing each other.
"..." Hayun, her face flushed completely red, couldn't even hold my gaze properly. She looked like someone who'd just been caught in the middle of something mortifying.
If you were going to make that face, you shouldn't have said that kind of thing in the first place.
No, wait.
Thinking it over again, it really didn't seem like Hayun had said it on purpose. Korean has plenty of words with that sound in them, so maybe this whole mess only happened because I hadn't heard her out to the end.
But even so, I should have at least heard what she was actually saying. Either way, if Hayun was reacting this strongly, it surely wasn't just some ordinary remark.
"What were you two talking about?"
Even as I asked, I found myself ridiculous. Until only a little while ago, I hadn't even been able to imagine standing between Hayun and someone else.
No, if we're counting instances, there had been a few—but usually I was just shoving away people who tried to get close to Hayun when she didn't even want them there.
The magical girls all got along well with Hayun. If you pressed the point, you could even call them friends.
Which meant, naturally, that they were also the people who would hurt her more deeply if they ever fought.
...Just as I once hurt her.
"Um... you see..."
I waited patiently as Hayun spoke, breaking off word by word.
This kind of thing was familiar. When Hayun sank deep into worry and I asked about it beside her, this was how she tended to respond. Usually it was about housework, and there wasn't much I could do to help. All I could manage was to take her hand, drag her around here and there, and buy her something sweet to put in her mouth.
That wouldn't fly here, so I'd have to think of another way.
"Someone I..."
"Someone you?"
"...Like..."
"...Someone you like?"
Hayun nodded.
For a few seconds, my brain simply stopped. Then, little by little, the frozen thing thawed, and I began sorting through, logically, the words Hayun had laid out and the scene I'd walked in on moments before. Strange, how once my reason stalled out completely, my thinking actually grew clearer.
Oh. So that's what it was?
Thinking about the word like, I could almost understand why she'd blurted it out the way she had. Hayun didn't seem to have much immunity in that department, after all. Even with me, that kind of conversation... we'd almost never had it.
Right. Really.
"Someone you like?"
I murmured it again. Not on purpose this time.
Hayun has someone she likes?
I suppose... it could happen. She's a high school girl, isn't she? Not every high school girl has a boyfriend, but for someone at Hayun's level, having one wouldn't be strange at all.
No, wait—is it strange?
Yeah. It is strange. Hayun was with me constantly, at school and out of it. We were in touch practically around the clock, and whenever Hayun went somewhere for fun, unless it was a school event, the answer was always that she was going with me.
But, if I dug into the details... there were plenty of hours she spent without me.
Especially when Hayun was doing magical girl work.
The only time I'd ever met another magical girl besides Hayun in person was when that stalker kaijin had latched onto me. So I have no idea what Hayun looks like when she's off doing 'Federation business.'
I know what I saw in the webtoon, but in a series that was closer to the author snipping out and collecting whatever funny scenes struck their fancy, 'daily life' was never something depicted in detail. And considering the existence of me, there could be parts that diverge from the original anyway.
"..."
So even if Hayun had someone she liked romantically—short of actually dating them—it wouldn't be the least bit surprising. If anything, wouldn't it be stranger if she didn't? Not everyone gets to date, but a crush is something anyone can have.
But understanding that and feeling jealous are two entirely different things.
I do feel jealousy toward Hayun. Watching that talent of hers, there were many times I felt despair, too. At the same time, Hayun was my hope. She was also the person I admired most in this world.
I think it's perfectly natural for her to date someone, and of course she'd be popular with boys. If Hayun wanted, picking out anyone at all and going out with them would be no trouble whatsoever.
And yet, separate from all that understanding—I hated it.
Here, Hayun and I are the same sex, and even if we weren't, I don't believe Hayun would ever see me that way. Given time, her bond with me might slowly fade. If Hayun started dating a boyfriend and I insisted on tagging along everywhere she went, wouldn't that become a source of conflict in its own right? More than that, I had no idea what kind of person the boy Hayun liked might even be.
...No. Honestly, the reason I felt this way wasn't anything that complicated.
It's—
"Do you have someone you like?" I said it deliberately, teasing her.
Hayun kept her head bowed low, her face dyed red. It seemed she was serious.
The noise coming off my circuit was slowly dying down. It had never been all that loud to begin with, but now it felt like the sound itself was about to stop altogether.
"Um..." Hayun hoarded her words again.
I leaned my face a little closer toward her. The way I had, back when I once pressed Hayun against a wall.
Back then, Hayun had said she'd do everything she could. Even without knowing what I might do to her, Hayun hadn't run.
Having done nothing at all back then, and now digging it all back up—I really am a coward.
"What? Hard to say? Can't tell me who you like? You said it just fine in front of them earlier."
What did I even plan to do with the answer? If it was someone I didn't know, it was meaningless information to me. What would I even do to them? And if it was someone I did know, it'd be just as meaningless. It's not as if I could do anything. Threaten them into backing off from Hayun? That would be the worst possible choice of all.
Whatever answer I heard, it was going to hurt. But it was hard to bear. For some reason, I wanted to hear it no matter what.
When I deliberately leaned in close to her face, Hayun finally couldn't take it and backed away.
She barely managed to lift her head and look at me. Her face was already red beyond any fixing.
"...You."
"..."
It took me a moment to process what Hayun had said. Was the guy's name 'You,' by any chance? Was that even a plausible name? I honestly couldn't say—countless names exist out there, and the very definition of 'world' is expanding to galactic scale these days, so maybe.
Could the person she liked be an alien?
"It was about you, Jieun..."
Hayun said, very quietly, her face looking ready to detonate. For two people sitting face to face, her voice was astonishingly mortified.
"About me?"
"...Yeah."
"So, the person you like."
I pointed at myself with a finger.
"Me?"
"...Yeah."
Hayun nodded as if confirming a kill.
How was I supposed to take this?
I slowly drew my head back. Only after carefully resting both hands on my knees and resettling my crossed legs did I feel my face beginning, gradually, to burn.
Across both my past life and this one, it was the very first time I'd ever heard a girl say something like that to me. But at the same time, having lived the kind of life I had, recalling what those words actually meant wasn't so difficult.
When a person lives defensively, they learn to live in whatever way avoids being misunderstood by the opposite sex. So those words, naturally, couldn't have been said because she liked me that way. It's not that I lack feelings, but... to put it bluntly, the webtoon never once contained any story about Hayun liking girls. I may have imagined pairings as pure daydream fodder, sure.
"...So, that's... as a friend?"
A same-sex friend, the same age as me. And a childhood friend, at that—someone I'd known since we were little.
We shared plenty of memories, and we'd gone out together any number of times. We never traveled anywhere truly far, but those weekends spent wandering around eating this and that—I could call them happy times.
If I'm the closest childhood friend Hayun has, then it isn't so strange for the two of us to hold feelings of 'affection' toward each other. Not in the I like you so much sense, but within the like-or-dislike range, I'd have no choice but to say: like.
Considering Rose had been laughing herself silly just moments ago, wasn't it right to assume that level of 'cheerful banter' had been flying back and forth?
"..."
But strangely, Hayun just kept staring at me with that scarlet face and said nothing at all.
The longer that silence stretched, the oddly restless I became. I started to feel like I'd crawled into this tent for nothing. Come to think of it, the weather wasn't all that cold anymore—maybe it was time to take the tent down altogether?
We could just as easily have had this conversation outside the building. The night was still cool—no, chilly—so it would have offset at least some of the heat in our faces. And in the dark, neither of us would have to keep staring at the other's burning cheeks.
As I sat there quietly watching, one knee trembling, Hayun's gaze finally slid slowly downward.
"...Yeah... it came up because we were talking about friends," Hayun admitted meekly.
"Jua said so too. That we're friends, so she likes me."
"...Jua did."
Hearing that settled my heart a little. Hayun seemed to be in much the same state.
I could even understand why she'd stumbled over her words. When she fights as a magical girl, Hayun wears a bold, crisp expression—but strangely, when it comes to person-to-person relationships, she can be somewhat clumsy. That was also why I'd tried to keep away anyone who approached Hayun as much as I possibly could. I was afraid she'd be taken advantage of.
Though, I mean—if they were chatting away and Jua said she liked me, maybe Hayun thought she couldn't afford to lose—
"..."
Thinking that, for some reason my face heated up all over again.
Why?
Was I reacting like this even to Hayun being jealous on my behalf as a friend? Did I like Hayun that much?
"...Should we turn in?" The atmosphere had become unbearably awkward, and sitting facing each other any longer would only trade more strange words. So I offered that as my fallback. We'd eaten, and as for washing up... skipping it for a day wouldn't kill anyone. The inside of the tent was tidied up nicely.
"...Yeah." At my words, Hayun finally managed a nod.
When I got up and prepared for bed, Hayun awkwardly lay down on the floor as well. Tonight, Hayun lay facing the door, same as me. Lying back to back, we stayed quiet for a long while without saying a word.
"..."
Although—all the other kids were right outside, weren't they.
Where on earth had Cherry and James gotten to?
Jua had meant the word like in its plain dictionary sense, but somehow, listening to Hayun and Jieun's conversation, the meaning that word carried kept nagging at her.
She hadn't set out to eavesdrop. It was simply that, by pure coincidence, the spot where Jua happened to be wasn't far from the tent at all.
Jieun hadn't zipped the flap shut when she took Hayun inside. And even if she had, it wouldn't have mattered much—the tent was hardly soundproof to begin with. Unless the two inside truly murmured, every sound from within was bound to carry out.
Rose quietly cocked an ear beside Jua as well. If they crept any closer, their shadows would give away the eavesdropping.
Before anyone noticed, Dalia and Delphinium had drifted up beside the two of them and were listening too.
It was nothing more than a conversation between friends, yet somehow every last one of them was wearing an oddly red face. Even Rose, who until moments ago had been laughing outright. The girls just a year her senior looked, in that moment, for all the world like 'girls' of roughly Jua's own age. Not that they were seniors she leaned on heavily to begin with.
"...You."
And when Hayun said that, Jua was thrown off too. Somehow her insides felt ticklish, and her ears seemed to be burning red.
Surely they were still on the same topic as before. Just talking about friends, about how—being friends—the feeling leaned closer to liking than to disliking. And yet, why was this strange feeling welling up inside her?
Her heart pounded.
Thinking this way about the two of them was far too strange a thing to do, and yet Jua somehow kept wondering whether Hayun's words might hold a meaning beyond what a friend would say.
And, at the same time—she thought: what if it were true? What if the two of them really did like each other?
This was a world where the scope of 'the world' had become the scope of the galaxy. Naturally, aliens married one another, and though only very rarely, word came in now and then of aliens who had wed Earthlings. Earth was still within the protected zone, and Earthlings were among the protected, so the range of what was permitted stayed extremely narrow.
Because of that, the matter of gender was truly a trivial one. If two people liked each other, they could date. There were still those who balked at it, but lately the argument that making a fuss over such things was hopelessly old-fashioned came up often enough.
Jua, too, from where she stood—as one who upheld justice—had no grounds to oppose it.
But neither was it a shape of love she'd ever seen around her.
If the two of them became lovers, would Jua still be able to keep her relationship of 'friend' with Jieun?
That relationship—unlike any other, strangely unguarded—had only just begun.
All sorts of 'common sense' came floating up. For instance: that since a genuinely platonic friendship between opposite sexes isn't easily maintained, when an opposite-sex friend takes a lover, meeting that friend separately becomes something you have to think twice about.
Did the same logic apply to same-sex friends?
"That's... kind of amazing, honestly."
Rose's voice broke into Jua's thoughts.
"Those two—are they really just friends?"
"...Hard to say."
Delphinium tilted her head.
"Can't tell yet."
"Jumping to conclusions would be a problem, but..."
At Delphinium's words, Dalia chimed in.
"It's true theirs is a bond that precious, at least."
And the conclusion they landed on was a neutral one. Jua decided to follow it.
For now, no conclusion had actually been reached. The distance Hayun kept around Jieun seemed somehow different from that of an ordinary friend—but then, neither of them had shown any sign of wanting more from the other, either.
Needless misunderstandings invite bigger, more dangerous ones. And such things, before long, turn into conflict.
It was a lesson she'd already learned through any number of verbal missteps back when she first became a magical girl.
So, for the moment, she decided to draw no conclusion at all.
Whether that was truly 'looking at the situation objectively,' or whether something deep inside Jua's heart simply balked at admitting the alternative—Jua herself couldn't say for certain.
I woke up hot.
As if it were all a lie that she'd fallen asleep with her back to me, Hayun had at some point turned over toward my side. She was even hugging my waist tight with her arm, just like always.
Realizing that, of course sleep fled from me on the spot. After all, until just a little while ago... no, not exactly just a little while ago, but regardless—I'd been agonizing all alone right up until I barely managed to fall asleep.
So, once again, I was a little angry. That Hayun alone got to be fine with everything. That she could say I like you to me like it was nothing. I could never do that.
Of course not. Because I like Hayun. ...Probably. Probably since long ago.
Wasn't it simply unavoidable? No matter how much I envied her, no matter how much she was the rival I wanted to beat—for someone that pretty, that kind, that upright, who smiled at me over and over and over—feeling more for her than fondness was never something I could help. Was it?
...
So, I was angry. And because I was angry, this time I was the one who turned over.
Wrapping my arms around her waist wasn't easy, but in the end, that's how it went. Though thanks to the difference in our heights, it ended with Hayun's face buried against my chest.
"Mmmh..." Was it hard to breathe? Hayun made a small sound.
It was mortifying. Even if she was asleep, lying face to face and cuddling like this...
I lay there stiff as a board, but I couldn't bring myself to hold her the way Hayun was holding me. It took me far, far longer than the first time to fall back asleep.
Waking the next morning required no alarm. Because Hayun screamed and bolted upright out of my arms, and my waist—where her hand had been resting—whipped sideways right along with her.
That I was a little hurt by that scream is a secret I'll keep from Hayun.
So is the fact that it felt a little triumphant.