Chapter 14: Confusion (1)
Should I say things had worked out well?
It wasn't as if we had a TV. We did have smartphones, but using them would have handed the enemy a way to track us, so they sat untouched.
James, who had been tinkering the parts I'd stuffed into sub-space into one gadget after another, and Iris, who lent a hand, both seemed to agree that screens were anything but easy. And honestly, fair enough. People toss the word around as if a screen were just another component, but in reality it's thousands upon thousands of tiny pixels packed edge to edge.
Unless we acquired a screen separately, there was simply no part that could stand in for one. Chipsets, on the other hand, we had in overflowing abundance. We even had general-purpose computer components on hand, so building the odd device from scratch was well within our ability.
The idea of gutting a smartphone and using its display had come up too, but for now the answer was why bother? Even without a TV, gathering information posed no real problem.
We had parts of every description, but no intention of wasting them. Having a spare for a genuine emergency and not having one were two very different situations.
At any rate, we did have a radio, and through it we could at least listen in on the world.
And astonishingly enough, my choice that day—hurling the bomb into the sky—appeared to have been the right one.
When we visited the Magical Treatment Center that day, a few of the police officers there had been standing with their hats off. Probably their own way of paying respects. Something like that.
I couldn't tell why people insisted on splitting into two camps over that incident, but debate of exactly that flavor was flying back and forth across the airwaves.
And woven into those words was the very evidence that what I'd done had, in the end, been the wise call.
Because the black hole had been up there that day, the shrapnel never reached the ground. I'd simply been glad no one got hurt—but with almost none of the debris coming down, no one had any idea what exactly had exploded.
Right. People believed only that an explosive device had gone off. It never occurred to anyone that if I hadn't been there, the circuit would never have activated and there would have been no explosion at all. There was no proof the thing had even been a circuit.
We did have the fragments pulled out of Hayun's body, but none of them contained the circuit's core components.
Some people speculated after seeing the blast, but even then, nobody knew how it had worked.
Well said.
I rooted for that nameless debater holding my corner. Not that winning the argument dropped anything into my lap.
While the other side scrambled for a reply, the debater pressed the advantage without missing a beat.
From there the debate drifted further and further from what I'd done two days ago, until it had become an argument over whether the incident was a conspiracy at all.
The moment it went off the rails, I lost the appetite to keep listening and simply changed the channel.
"...Whew."
I let out a long breath.
Until only recently, my chest had been so tight I could barely breathe. But seeing that at least someone out there was saying these things put me a little at ease.
So they had been keeping public opinion on a leash all this time, after all.
Short of outright dictatorship, suppressing it forever was probably impossible. From a conspiracist's point of view, it might even be more efficient to detonate some fresh rumor and divert everyone's gaze.
In that sense, what had just blown up was a story as hard to bury as the terror attack I'd been caught in. Back then, at least, it was enough to swing the arrows my way—but the story had changed completely now.
Who exactly had planted the bomb still hadn't been made public.
What was certain was that my image had... improved. Slightly.
I looked at my circuit.
It wasn't... trembling. It hadn't gone completely idle, but its rotation had slowed so markedly that the reason for its shaking had simply evaporated.
And that was... honestly, not good news. For me to fight, the circuit needed to spin fierce and hot.
"...Ah."
The instant I thought that, the rotation picked back up.
"Ridiculous."
"Ridiculous? What is?"
As I muttered down at my circuit, a voice pounced on the word and tossed it right back at me.
I flinched and looked up toward the sound—and there stood Hayun.
She settled herself beside me with the most natural ease in the world.
She was perched on the doorframe, but it was a sliding door, so the entrance wasn't fully blocked. Maybe not for a burly grown man, but for two girls who looked delicate enough on the outside, there was room to spare.
"No, it's—nothing. Just the radio."
I said it, casually lowering my left hand.
But Hayun's gaze stayed fixed on the circuit.
Had she figured out what kind of energy I was running on?
Back when Cherry and James had been talking, Hayun had watched the two of them intently.
To ordinary ears it would have been nothing but squeak-squeak. Even Iris, sitting right there, hadn't seemed to follow any of it.
But Hayun... had she understood?
She was a sharp kid. Sure, she'd earned those grades by studying hard at home, but even putting in a similar amount of time as me... no, maybe less, she scored far better.
Her comprehension was on another level entirely, so it was possible she knew a word or two of the Squeak-seong-in language.
And if so—maybe she'd picked up on this energy, too.
But after a moment of studying my circuit, Hayun's eyes bounced up and locked onto my face.
And a smile touched her lips.
Lately, it was always like this.
Ever since I'd let her sleep in the best sleeping spot here—meaning, inside my tent—so her condition wouldn't take a turn for the worse, this was how it had been.
After that, Hayun slipped into my tent as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. And, without missing a beat, began sharing my sleeping bag.
When I'd bought that sleeping bag, I'd assumed it would be brutally cold outside. It wasn't anything expensive, but it was filled with goose down—rated to carry me comfortably through minus ten degrees Celsius—so lately it had gotten warm enough that I was half-considering packing it away.
And yet, inexplicably, Hayun kept throwing that sleeping bag over the both of us.
And on the grounds that we simply had to share it, she glued herself to my side.
If I slept facing the ceiling, she'd hug one of my arms. Objectively speaking, Hayun's figure lacked the... emphasis mine had, the kind that didn't suit our age—but she was still plenty feminine.
So what exactly was I supposed to feel with her squeezing that arm tight? Our bodies might be the same age, but the person inside mine was someone else entirely. I'd end up flustered, bewildered, and completely at a loss for what to do.
I couldn't bring myself to move. Not just the forearm she was wrapped around—all the way down to my fingertips. I trust you understand what I mean.
And if I slept with my back to her instead, mornings only got worse.
Without fail, Hayun would then lock onto me from behind. Naturally... well. You get the picture.
Hot, buried under a thick sleeping bag, and—anyway. Moving on.
At first I'd wondered if she was still unwell. A bad cold can leave you shivering, and even a deep scrape can let bacteria in through the wound and bring on flu-like misery.
But doesn't that sort of thing usually break once you've sweated it out properly?
Every single night the two of us ended up drenched in sweat, so I couldn't for the life of me work out why she kept it up.
...Maybe I never should have let her in to begin with.
Once she'd decided it was her spot, did she just keep walking in?
...
It was happening right now, too.
Hayun sat close enough that her thigh pressed flush against mine.
She'd been like this when I slipped out for midnight walks, but now she was doing it in broad daylight. It wasn't as if the others couldn't see.
And—
Yes. Above all, here was the most troubling part.
I looked at the circuit on my wrist.
No vibration.
The power hadn't cut out, so it was clearly still running. It was generating more than enough energy to keep every device we used running with room to spare. Transformation, for the moment, would be no problem.
For now, my despair still ran larger than my hope.
But... hope was, a bit of a problem.
Public opinion had only just turned in our favor. But I still had plenty of fights ahead. And fighting with words alone wouldn't cut it—not when the whole world wasn't on our side yet.
It probably never would be.
Besides, unless I drove my fist straight into the Chairman's face, I would never fully smother this rage.
And yet.
...
Hayun let her head tip lightly against my shoulder.
She smelled good.
And so, I was in trouble.
I knew I wasn't supposed to feel hope like this.
I knew perfectly well, in my head, that learning Hayun was someone who would stake her life for me was no license to go feeling hope.
I knew it would be better to pull away from here, and fast, too.
But even so, I couldn't make myself leave that spot.
The circuit was slowing, little by little. The vibration had faded to almost nothing, but I could still feel it.
In the span of a few short days, I was growing weaker.
Weak enough to make all my earlier rampaging look like nothing.
That was what scared me.
So what I'd been turning over since two days ago was how to put a little distance between Hayun and me.
Whatever I did, Hayun came trailing along behind me, and no matter how you looked at it, I couldn't tell her don't to every last thing.
How could I say that to the girl who'd saved my life? And not indirectly—straight to her face.
I had at least that much of a conscience.
The inferiority was still there. So was the jealousy. Those sticky, clinging emotions remained, untouched.
But if things went on like this, I was afraid I'd become the me from before I ran. The weak, hollow me from my Minion Combatant days.
So, I came up with one idea.
"...You want to change the bathing order?"
Rose said it, then turned her head. She traded a long look with the other magical girls—Hayun especially—before looking back at me.
"What, is something about it... bothering you?"
"...It's not that."
I chose each word with care.
It wasn't that I actually disliked the idea. If anything, I liked it. The uncomfortable feelings hadn't gone anywhere, but.
But... liking it was the dangerous part. For me, right now.
"The washing order's always been fixed. Some days you'd want to go first, or if you're feeling lazy you'd rather go last, but it feels like Hayun and I end up first every single time."
"Oh? Was there a time you wanted to wash later?"
Rose took my words at the most innocent possible face value.
"You only had to say something and we'd have shuffled the order for you."
"No, that's not— that's not what I'm trying to say."
I said it, sweating on the inside.
What if this just ended up sounding like pure nonsense?
At some point, I'd stopped acting like the one in charge here and started living by the order the other girls had set.
I couldn't help it. I was one person, and there were five magical girls.
Besides, following the schedule they'd laid down was convenient in all sorts of ways. They never even pressed me to. Whether I slept late and woke late or whatever else, those girls didn't bat an eye—they just went about their own business.
Nobody said a word when I mooched off their cooking, and nobody complained when I skipped out on the dishes.
But... to say it once more, I did have a conscience. I couldn't keep saying I don't want to until the end of time.
And lately, Hayun had even taken to sleeping beside me.
In the end, once one of us woke, we all woke together—call it unavoidable.
...Ah, wait. That's not what we were talking about. Honestly.
"How about we decide it fairly at random instead? Rock-paper-scissors, drawing lots, something like that."
The magical girls traded glances among themselves again.
Less a weighty exchange of opinions than simple bafflement over why I was bringing any of this up.
"...If you're that set on it, I suppose there's no helping it..."
Rose said, tilting her head.
I nodded.
"I want to. It's the fair way."
I said it while trying my absolute best not to look at Hayun, who was staring straight at me.
For some reason, Rose looked quietly over at Hayun. Then she let out a long breath and shrugged.
"Well, fine. If that's what you want. We can always sort the order out separately later anyway."
I nodded, relieved at Rose's words.
Then jolted inwardly.
Ah, hold on. Weren't these the girls I'd ordered around, making everything go my way?
When exactly had I started asking for permission?
...There was only one reason.
All of it was Lee Hayun.
For a reason completely unlike anything before, my composure had vanished. A reason too slippery to pin down in words.
...
I couldn't bring myself to meet Hayun's eyes as she gazed steadily at me.
That look was just like the one she wore whenever she watched me toying with James.
I had no idea why she looked at me that way. Truthfully, I was too scared to ask.
Because what if we talked about what we were to each other, and I learned our gazes were pointed along different angles?
Even while telling myself to keep hope at a distance, at the same time I didn't want to fling it too far away.
I was a little sick of my own way of thinking, but it wasn't the sort of thing that changed easily.
Under the noble pretext that someone might want to wash first, I'd pushed to change the order—but when the moment came, nobody actually volunteered to go first, so what we settled on was drawing lots.
Even to me, it was a stupid stunt. There'd been no real need for the hassle.
But I'd shoved it through by force, so it was far too late to complain now. If anything, I was just grateful the girls were humoring me.
After all that talk of changing the order, the lot I drew was number one.
Bathing would be in pairs. Naturally, I'd be paired with whoever held number two.
If Hayun had drawn the two, nothing whatsoever would have changed—
"...Ah."
The one holding number two wasn't Hayun. It was Iris.
Iris, who had frozen stiff for a beat, turned her gaze on me.
At first, I felt relief.
My head had been so busy manufacturing an excuse to be apart from Hayun, even briefly, that a second thought never stood a chance.
But the instant my eyes met Iris's rigid expression, that second thought arrived anyway.
I really should have thought of this first.
That's right. I was about to take a bath with Iris.
...Meaning, with a girl I wasn't nearly that close to.
...
Uh...
Come to think of it, this lottery might have been the single dumbest idea I'd produced since arriving here.
I did my best not to look toward Hayun.
"Well, then... hmm."
Rose, still holding the flimsy box of paper slips and watching the two of us, broke the silence.
"What's it going to be? If you hate it, I can have you redraw."
I stood there, mouth opening and closing, before finally pulling myself together.
No.
Maybe this was the chance. Dodging every single time wasn't going to produce answers.
...At the very least I could push hope far away. And despair... well.
At worst, hopeful thoughts would be hard to come by in there.
Having decided, I clenched the paper slip tight.
It was the moment of my second-dumbest idea since coming here.