A Certain Feeling (2)
After weighing this and that, we ended up staying at the orphanage just as we were — and there were a few reasons things turned out that way.
First, the government wasn't exactly thrilled at the prospect of us leaving. Of course, we hadn't stayed for that reason alone. There was also the matter of showing good faith, but honestly, for me the personal reason was by far the biggest: I simply couldn't bring myself to brush off Jihye, who was watching me with those quietly hopeful eyes.
Besides, the other kids didn't seem eager to go home, either. Over the time we'd spent together, they'd grown used to leaning on one another, and parting so soon clearly troubled them. Above all, we were, at this very moment, fighting an enemy. If we scattered and failed to come back together, there'd be no telling whether we could win when the time came.
...Then again, since all of us were still children, maybe what they really couldn't stand was the thought of their parents' nagging.
Besides, it seemed the government, perhaps fearing the kids would be talked around by their parents and scattered to the winds, had no intention of sending anyone home for the time being.
What a joke. In this country, a minor can't even set foot in a karaoke room alone late at night — yet all of that gets conveniently ignored.
Were the parents not even protesting? Or were they quietly pleased at the chance to be so deeply involved with the government again?
"I need to wash up, don't I?"
The moment she learned I'd be staying here at least for today, that was what Jihye said, beaming — and I couldn't argue with her. Truthfully, coming in here looking the way I did was already a tremendous breach of manners; if my clothes so much as brushed the wall, they'd leave black grime that would never scrub out.
"...Fair point."
It wasn't close to bedtime, nor dinnertime yet, but I agreed that a wash was in order. Hearing my answer, Jihye immediately took my wrist and led me off to the Director. When I said I wanted to wash, she readily agreed — and not just for me, but for all the other kids as well.
Our orphanage had steadily improved its facilities over the years through several rounds of renovation, mostly thanks to the donations I'd started bringing in once I began working back in middle school. The shower wasn't entirely private, but at least the room where our group stayed had a combined shower and toilet attached; the other kids' rooms had similar setups, and by any standard our orphanage was exceptionally well equipped. There was no bathtub, and it wasn't particularly large — but it was more than enough room for one person to wash in.
For the first time in ages, I scrubbed myself clean from head to toe. Pretending not to see the black something that came out when I squeezed a generous dollop of shampoo into my palm and worked it through my hair, I washed myself thoroughly enough that no smell lingered on my skin.
I toweled off as completely as I could and moved to step out feeling refreshed — only to find my clothes, brought there by Jihye, waiting outside the door.
"..."
Every piece had been washed clean and neatly pressed. How long had it been since I'd last seen clean clothes?
We had, of course, washed and reworn the clothes and underwear we owned, but in a place so desperately short of detergent, no amount of diligent scrubbing could match a proper machine wash.
Once I'd put on the clothes Jihye had apparently left for me, I stepped out feeling brand new — and she greeted me with a beaming smile. Around us, the other kids were still grimy in spots, their faces heavy with fatigue. Seeing a faint anticipation settle over the children's faces stirred a strange feeling in me. After all, every one of these kids had grown up in fine homes I couldn't have imagined even in my past life. As if a facility as humble as an orphanage could move them.
...Well, we had been washing with almost no toiletries, rationing what little we had. And truthfully, even I felt a freshness just now, after getting clean, that words could hardly describe — so who was I to judge kids who'd lived far better than I had?
"...They can borrow my clothes. My closet's probably stuffed full anyway."
When I belatedly realized the kids had nothing to change into and said this, Jihye startled.
"No! They can borrow my clothes and underwear! I've got plenty too!"
At that, Hayun pulled a subtle face. Did she dislike the idea of wearing someone else's underwear? But unfortunately, this room held nothing but clothes Jihye and I had worn — we'd never been well-off enough to buy new clothes and leave them sitting unworn.
"Will the sizes even work?"
"If anything, yours might hang loose on them— oh."
Jihye hurried the words out, then hastily shut her mouth.
"..."
Seeing my eyes narrow, her face flushed crimson.
"Ah, um, that's..."
"Well, I suppose my clothes might be too big on them," I said, letting out a small breath. "Then they can just try both on and pick whichever feels better."
Though honestly, even Jihye's clothes would probably hang a little loose on Jua. Well, I suppose it hardly mattered.
"..."
Next, Hayun went into the shower, and for a moment none of us spoke. I'd managed to build some rapport with the magical girls lately, but Jihye hadn't at all — it must have felt incredibly strange and uncomfortable for her. These weren't just 'kids her age'; they were, quite literally, magical girls.
I plopped down onto the floor. No blankets had been laid out yet, but somehow it already felt wonderfully comfortable. No wind seeped in from outside, none of that strange noise peculiar to the mountains. Above all, this place itself was my home — the one I'd lived in all along.
Somehow, all the strength was draining out of me, enough that I wanted to lie down right there. So that's how it is — here, I could roll around on the floor and it wouldn't matter one bit. This was, quite literally, indoors, not some ruin abandoned for decades, doorless besides, letting dust drift in untouched on the wind.
The moment that thought crossed my mind, I flopped flat onto the floor.
"Jieun?"
Jihye said, a little flustered. Right — she was still uneasy around the magical girls. Had I been thinking only of myself? But once the heart comes undone, it's hard to pull it back together.
There was still so much unresolved. Above all, I had to find Pangpang — even now she might be in the Chairman's clutches, being treated in who knew what way. Thoughts like these swirled wildly through my head, but hauling myself back up from where I lay sprawled on the floor was a little beyond me.
So much had happened. Perhaps, all this time, my mind had been frozen stiff with tension. Parts of it were still rigid even now — but the relief of coming home felt far greater, at least for the moment. Right. Until the government brought us information, there was ultimately nothing to be done, and if all we did was keep fighting, we might simply drop dead one of these days.
Rest was, in its own way, important work.
"Jieun?"
Had my suddenly flopping down worried her? Certainly, if someone who'd been perfectly fine moments ago suddenly lay down on the floor and couldn't get up, you couldn't help but worry — all the more if they were so obviously worn through, body and mind.
I reached my hand up toward Jihye, who was bending over me with a worried expression. Did she think I was asking to be pulled up?
Jihye took my hand — and I yanked her firmly toward me. And laid her down beside me.
She didn't burrow into my arms the way Hayun did, of course. That was only natural — however you looked at it, I couldn't be quite that thick-skinned. But still. Lying side by side like this, staring up at the ceiling, was something we'd done so often since we were little.
Maybe I should put on some music. I had no idea whether the player was even intact — last time I'd seen it, it lay wrecked on the floor, along with the music CDs Hayun had given me, several of them. How long had it even been since things came to this? All of it felt like it had happened ages ago — and I didn't want to remember it that way.
Ah. Had I really let myself relax too much?
Consciousness drifted slowly away. It didn't feel like fainting — more like the heaviness that settles on your eyelids the instant you lie down in bed, too tired to keep them open. Maybe, just as Jihye had needed me, I had been longing for Jihye and my home just as much. The familiar ceiling, the familiar floor. The familiar person. The ones I'd thought I might have to give up forever while we were apart. Knowing they were right there beside me, my heart slowly came undone. Even if it was only temporary. Even if I might have to leave again in the end. I faintly felt the warmth of a hand holding mine.
In the end, I pushed that part of my mind — the part whispering this isn't right — far, far away, and sank into sleep as though I'd fainted.
Hayun had held back how badly she wanted to soak, somehow finishing up quickly and stepping out. Even so, she'd gotten clean on a completely different level than washing inside that abandoned house.
But Jieun, with whom she'd wanted to talk, lay fast asleep on the floor — no blanket, no pillow, and yet looking as if lying right there was the most comfortable thing in the world.
And the girl lying beside her was Jihye.
Jihye had tucked one arm beside her head and lay facing Jieun, watching her. One of Jieun's hands remained held in Jihye's.
Had she pushed herself too hard since this morning? No, that couldn't be it — Jieun was a girl with more than enough stamina to fight far harder battles than today's and come home none the worse.
Which meant everything up until now had been bearing down on her. An environment where she could never feel safe, where she couldn't even rest properly — where she had to stay endlessly on guard against whatever might happen next. Endure that long enough, and of course a person's mind begins to crumble.
This place was Jieun's home. Being able to return after so long, it was no wonder her heart had unwound this much. And besides—
"..."
Jihye lay there without a word, gazing at Jieun. She wasn't actively nestling into her arms the way Hayun did — or Jua, for that matter — nor clinging to her side. She was simply holding one of her hands, silently, keeping watch. And that alone was enough: Jieun had sunk into deep sleep, as if everything were fine, without a shred of wariness.
...Hope.
The Circuit on Jieun's wrist had glowed white each time Hayun and Jua clung to her. When Hayun had lightly kissed near Jieun's lips, it had blazed brilliantly. But that light had soon blackened, stained by the kidnapping of the friend who had helped her. Neither Hayun nor Jua had been able to bring that light back—
And yet now, on the left wrist of Jieun — sleeping peacefully, chest rising and falling in an unhurried rhythm — shone a soft white glow, different from the one Hayun and Jua had drawn out.
Family. Something nothing in this world could replace. That was the feeling that hung around Jieun and Jihye as they lay side by side.
"...I'll go wash up."
Jua, who had been quietly watching the two of them and had forgotten her own turn had come, said this belatedly and slipped into the shower.
"..."
Someone tapped Hayun lightly on the shoulder, and when she turned, it was Rose.
"Cheer up."
With that quiet word, Rose left the room. She hadn't washed yet, having volunteered to go last — perhaps she'd stepped out for a drink of water.
...Cheer up, she says. Where was she even supposed to begin? How?
Puzzling over it blankly, Hayun leaned against the wall and slid soundlessly down to the floor.
Thoughts drifted through her mind. That perhaps her feelings were different from what Jihye and Jieun shared — that family and... friends weren't so different after all, were they? And yet somehow, for some reason, the way Jihye looked at Jieun felt strangely unlike anything she knew. Was it nothing more than the misgiving of a girl mired in feelings like hers? Watching the two of them lying side by side, Hayun thought so.
I woke from my sleep because I was hungry. How carefree of me. For someone in my position — unable even to rest in peace, unable to eat what she pleased — the fact that I could wake up thinking such a thing was, in the end, because the place I'd fallen asleep was this room.
The sun that had hung high in the sky just moments ago had, before I knew it, nearly set. It felt exactly like waking from a Sunday afternoon nap — only without that peculiar regret of having wasted a day off. If anything, I felt, quite literally, that I had slept well. Even without a blanket or a pillow.
I slowly turned my head — and flinched in surprise. Jihye was sleeping right beside me.
She hadn't been this close when I'd pulled her down beside me, but apparently she'd drifted off afterward and snuggled up far closer to me. Closer, even, than we usually slept.
My hand was still held in hers. Warm and soft — and at the same time a little damp. Our shared body heat must have brought out a light sweat.
Now, what to do. I... didn't really want to let go of Jihye's hand. I had a feeling she might cry if I did. A strange thought. Jihye wasn't a one- or two-year-old, and letting go wouldn't make either of us vanish on the spot. We'd be staying here for a while anyway... yes, at least for a while.
Grrowl. My stomach growled again.
That was strange, too. Even in that abandoned house, where food was desperately scarce, my stomach had rarely growled this hard — though perhaps that was because, to keep the hunger in check, I'd chosen to eat small amounts steadily rather than large meals all at once. In that sense, going hours without eating a single thing was, quite literally, a first in a long time.
It would be rude to get up now and ask for food, wouldn't it? Meal times were meal times, no matter what — the orphanage always kept set hours for eating. Even once we'd become high schoolers and gained considerable freedom to come and go, being late was unforgivable. The Director had a soft heart — make a show of being hungry and she'd cave in the end — but I knew perfectly well that would only be a burden on her.
And heading out to a convenience store felt a bit off, too. The police were surely still swarming outside the orphanage.
Grrowl.
Still, I couldn't just lie there like this, aimless and adrift. Even if I couldn't have a proper meal, I wanted to eat something and quiet my stomach. My piggy bank was in this room — Jihye wouldn't have touched it, so I could just tell the police and run to the nearby convenience store.
With that thought I tried to sit up — and couldn't.
"...Hayun."
Unlike Jihye, who slept a slight distance away on my left with my left hand in hers, Hayun was keeping the sleeping habits she'd had in the abandoned house even here — she had somehow wedged one arm beneath my back and passed the other across my front, hugging me tight with her whole body.
My side was a little sweaty. What's more, Hayun was quite naturally pillowed on my right arm, and the side of her face pressed into it was a little embarrassing to behold. She was so brazenly unabashed about it that at this point I hardly knew what to say.
But was my right hand free? Not exactly. Someone was holding that one, too — my right hand, reaching out past Hayun, was just as damp as my left, which had presumably been held for hours.
Straining my head up, I saw that the one gripping my hand was Jua. Jua, too, had fallen asleep lying there with no pillow, no blanket, nothing at all.
...Apparently I wasn't the only one who found this place comfortable. Well, compared to that abandoned house, even an orphanage like this was practically a hotel.
"..."
What now? The moment I moved, they'd open their eyes one by one. I didn't want to force them awake — they were all surely as worn out as I was. The other three were nowhere in sight, but somehow I had a feeling they were sleeping somewhere else—
Just as I was thinking that, the door burst open. And the people who came pouring in were—
"What's this? How long are you planning to sleep?"
Rose said, flicking the switch on the wall.
Click.
The lights came on — and the glare poured straight into my eyes, which happened to be aimed at the ceiling.
"Mmmnh."
Hayun let out a whimpering whine. It was terribly cute, and so unlike her, that under normal circumstances I'd have teased her a little—
"Huh? Big sis, why is everyone lying around like this?"
...Apparently Rose was enormously popular with the kids, because orphanage children were hanging off her waist as well.
"Who knows? Maybe they're not just close — they're too close?"
Rose said, hoisting one of the kids up onto her arm. As if anyone could mistake her for anything but a magical girl, her strength was tremendous.
"It's dinnertime, kids. The three of us worked really hard helping out, you know? So come on and eat. You're hungry, aren't you?"
...I'd have to actually be able to get up first, even if I wanted to. I lowered my head back to the floor and let out a long, long breath.