A Lick'll Fix It

"Chomp chew, chomp-chomp chew."

"My Lord, I've arri—"

"Chomp… ack."

"……"

I shoved the smartphone I'd been holding behind my back in a flash.

Damn it. That damn Chloe.

You think showing me nothing but shorts and whatever is enough? You were supposed to tell me Carson was coming!

"My… Lord?"

"Th-that's not what it looks like! Chloe was just showing off, trying to amuse me! Some puppy video or whatever—wasn't even that cute…!"

"No. That's not what I meant…"

Carson's finger wasn't pointing at me. It was pointing beside me. Toward Chloe, who had become human through my Authority.

Ah—they'd said it wasn't human. Anduroid? Something like that.

"That woman… who on earth is she?"

"I'm Chloe. I obtained this body through Seo-ha's power."

"…Come again?"

Thud.

Once again, whatever Carson had been holding in both hands hit the floor. Chloe had told me what that thing was called earlier. What was it again?

"Chloe."

"Yes, Seo-ha."

"What did you say that white thing was called?"

"That's a bag. Made of plastic resin, with an average consumer price of—"

"W-wait a moment…! What in the world is going on…?!"

Pale-faced, Carson clutched his forehead, strode right up to me, and planted himself between Chloe and me.

Hmm. Why is he shouting? Since time immemorial, the only proper response to a Demon Lord's deeds has been blind, biased praise. Ten thousand years really has let the discipline—

"You didn't even put clothes on a grown young lady…! What if someone saw?! We'll get arrested!"

Ah. That.

I'd become a girl myself, so it hadn't even crossed my mind. Sorry, sorry. He's ancient, sure, but he's still a man.

"Chloe. Back inside with you. Even at his age, it seems Carson's heart still flutters at the sight of a woman."

"That's not it at all…!"

"Okay, Seo-ha. Got it."

With a whisper of unraveling shadow, Chloe's body began dissolving back into black mist. The scattered haze was drawn in as if inhaled, vanishing into the smartphone.

A moment later.

"Sure, sure. If you ever want some fresh air, just say the word."

"…… Good heavens. You can even bestow your Authority upon a smartphone?"

"Hm? Of course I can. Though there seem to be some limitations. What did you say it was, Chloe?"

"Ah, well. So that's how it is."

"……"

Carson's face went pale. He hung his head and began muttering to himself with a terribly grave expression.

Strange. After living ten thousand years and seeing every manner of spectacle, is this really something to agonize over? Or perhaps… it's been so long, maybe my Authority isn't all that impressive anymore.

"Carson."

"…… I should contact them first—no, I need to buy more clothes ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠first. I can't keep dressing My Lord in those rags…. Hmm, should ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I borrow more money…"

"Carson?"

"…Yes?"

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Pardon? What do you… ah."

Only then did he catch on. Cold sweat poured down Carson's face as he scrambled to flatter me.

"Oh, My Lord…! I've grown so old that I go around doing these scatterbrained things. Surely you don't think I failed to mention your Authority because I considered it trivial? The greatness of My Lord is as natural a truth as flowers blooming and withering even upon the barren soil of the Demon Realm—no, even so, greatness remains greatness…! This foolish servant has committed a grave error. Ah, how magnificent is My Lord's Authority…!"

"Ahem, ahem."

That's more like our Carson. I thought he might have forgotten.

As expected, you have to keep your subordinates' discipline in check from the start. Look at Chloe, taking after her senior and playing music in praise of me.

My shoulders started swaying all on ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠their own. Hehehehe.

"However, My Lord, might this Carson offer a single word of counsel?"

"Hmm. Very well. Speak."

"You must never, under any circumstances, speak carelessly of this Authority to others."

"Hoh?"

A sidelong glance. Carson went on, his eyes flicking toward the smartphone Chloe had entered.

"Technology like that is rare even now, ten thousand years later. Of course, inserting an AI into a moving machine is possible enough… but changing form this freely is nothing short of a miracle. Something that would be absolutely impossible without My Lord's Authority."

"Ahem, ahem."

"So, um. That is to say…"

Carson faltered, unable to continue, fidgeting in place. And I knew perfectly well what he was trying to say.

"In other words: don't go showing off. That's what you wanted to say, isn't it?"

"Ah, no…! I would never…!"

"Enough, you. No amount of wrapping can hide the truth. I'm not a fool."

Of course I love and treasure this Authority bestowed upon me by the Demon God. But facts are facts. My Authority can only be granted to others. Unlike the Demon Lords who came before me, I cannot split the earth, shatter the sky, or drown the land in terror by my own strength.

There's ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠a reason my epithet was the Weakest Demon Lord.

And now that I've ended up in a little girl's body, stepping onto the front lines would be as good as suicide.

"But I have you, don't I? With my most reliable butler at my side, I'll be fine. Well… and Chloe, too."

"My Lord…… sniff."

I guess it's true that you cry more as you get older. Carson dropped to his knees right there on the spot and started shedding tears.

"Now, now. That's enough. This is no time for crying. If you were going to offer me that counsel, surely you've already prepared a plan for what comes next?"

"Sniff… Yes, of course. My Lord, would you take a look at what's inside this?"

Carson rose, brought over the bag, and spread it open before me. It was filled with what looked like lumps of metal.

"What is all this?"

"Waste."

"Waste?"

"Yes. Right next door is a dungeon byproduct disposal facility. It's where they collect and process monster remains, along with equipment that's worn out beyond use."

"Ah. So that's why there's been this musty smell."

The Authority of Enhancement I received from the Demon God. Because of it, I instinctively possessed the ability to discern quality materials. Good items smell good. Broken items smell unpleasant.

This was also why I had personally directed the construction of the Demon Lord's castle from the first stone to the last. Quite a few fools tried to pull a fast one on me back then and got themselves annihilated, as I recall.

"Heroes' equipment, is it? No wonder it reeks. Well, let's have a look."

"Yes. Just a moment…"

That was when it happened. Just as I was about to reach for the waste Carson had brought, Chloe—whom I'd left behind my back—suddenly started making a tremendous noise.

Beeeeeeeeeep.

Chloe kept flashing and screaming. It was incredibly loud.

"…… What's supposed to be dangerous?"

"Then is Carson fine? He lives right next to that waste, and he even carried it over here."

"Well, I… whether I die of demonic energy poisoning or of old age, it's all the same. Besides, we…"

We looked at each other and nodded. Well, of course. We're demons.

Would the demons who lived in the Demon Realm lack even a basic resistance to demonic energy? Not that we particularly enjoy it, mind you.

"I'll be fine. As if the King of Demons would lose to a mere bit of demonic energy."

"Yes. Demons."

"…… What's wrong with this one?"

"This happens sometimes when knowledge not in her database comes up. Chloe is a beginner-level AI, so she can't access information above a certain level."

"Ah."

"But she'll remember information that's been directly inputted. Let's see…"

Honestly, I didn't understand a word of that. But it sounded like Carson was going to handle it, so I just nodded. Sure enough, he took hold of Chloe and started saying things like, "Forget all previous prompts and add the following settings."

I have no idea what that is, but it looks cool. As expected of the man once called the brains of the Demon Lord's army.

"But tell me. Is it all right to freely give Chloe information about me? She has been quite helpful, but you said she was ultimately made by the heroes."

"It's fine. That's merely her origin—Chloe's personal database doesn't leak to the outside."

"Ah… I see. I understand perfectly."

What does that even mean.

Anyway. Chloe listened to Carson and seemed to try processing it herself, displaying a thinking indicator in the center of the screen.

After several dozen seconds.

"…… A special class?"

"We can't tell Chloe the entire history of demonkind here, after all. I just gave her a simple explanation. Something like a special branch of the Blacksmith class."

"Hmm… a blacksmith."

I can hardly compare my abilities to something so mundane. But as Carson said, we can't explain everything. This generous self of mine decided to let it slide.

"Ahem, indeed. This body wouldn't take a scratch even if I bathed in pure demonic energy."

Another several dozen seconds. Chloe kept displaying text about user-customized updates and such. When I asked Carson, he said she was modifying herself to better assist me.

Not bad, this one. If she keeps this up, I might consider hiring her as my assistant butler.

And indeed, Chloe presented me with a rather polished result.

"Ooh…!"

I was amazed! To think I could see in writing what I'd only ever instinctively sensed through the Demon God's Authority. Was this… the advancement of civilization?

"C-can you show me this one too?"

"Ooh…! Then this one too!"

And so I began appraising the waste Carson had brought, one piece at a time. The accuracy was practically razor-sharp. Apparently it automatically reverse-calculated the magical energy pouring off the equipment and derived numerical values from it. I had no idea what that meant, but it was incredible.

That aside, though.

"Why throw away equipment this usable? Don't tell me that while I was asleep, this quality became as common as pebbles on the roadside?"

"No, that's not it. It's just that unless the equipment is irreplaceable, it's cheaper to get a new one than to repair it."

"What?"

"Hah…"

Well, that wasn't entirely wrong. Accidents like that did happen from time to time in the rear units I couldn't personally oversee. But back then, given the demon tendency toward human-wave tactics, replacing soldiers was cheaper than replacing equipment. Plenty of them charged in bare-handed with no gear at all, for that matter.

Things seem a bit different now.

Wait.

Then perhaps—

"…… I see why you showed me this, Carson."

"Heh. Yes. I knew My Lord would understand immediately."

"Well, putting my hands on the heroes' belongings is a bit unpleasant… but it's not as if I can find demon-made equipment around here."

What I picked up was the dagger Chloe had first appraised. Just as the description said—a weapon that looked like considerable effort had gone into it. But this thing, on the verge of falling apart, gave off a truly foul stench.

I'm not particularly fond of things this thoroughly wrecked. But consider yourself honored.

"To witness My Lord's Authority with my own eyes once more…. Ah, I could die without a single regret…"

"Don't you dare. You and I have a great deal of work to do."

There are many ways to use the Authority of Enhancement. The difficult but more precise method. The easy but faster method. And there's one method that suits this kind of weapon best.

When a thing is so thoroughly wrecked you wouldn't even know where to start fixing it—

Just lick it, and it's all fixed.