9. Black and Gold (26)
9. Black and Gold (26)
At her confession, Wonderstein stood frozen, unable to move.
What did she mean, she already knew?
About the memories she'd lost?
Or about the fact that she'd lost them at all?
Just as he opened his mouth to speak, she lowered her head and murmured.
"I knew. That my memories were wrong..."
Wonderstein nodded.
"...I see."
It made sense.
If her memories had been fully intact all along, her behavior toward him up to now — the warmth, the closeness — would be inexplicable.
She'd had no reason to pretend she'd lost her memories in the first place.
"Since when?"
"That's... ah."
A sudden shiver ran through her.
When someone swings from extreme agitation to sudden calm, the body often convulses as if in a fever.
The sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems switch over at speed, and the constricted pores and capillaries dilate, causing body temperature to plummet.
It was late August, but this was a city in the northern reaches of the continent.
The weather was more like Charlotia in late autumn.
Wonderstein stepped closer and draped his cloak around her.
At his sudden approach, Ella reflexively stepped back.
But the moment their bodies touched, her guardedness crumbled.
The warmth lingering inside the cloak settled her trembling frame.
After a brief hesitation, she leaned in and pressed her face against his chest.
It was warm.
The steady beat of his heart soothed her.
Amazing.
Does this man never get startled by anything?
His pulse never wavers.
She gave a small sniff.
The scent of his skin, faint against his shirt, stirred her senses.
A laugh escaped her before she knew it.
That's why I like this.
Because he stands firm no matter what.
I can lean on him whenever I need to.
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah..."
But still, it stung a little.
Does being this close to me not make his heart race even a little?
With their height difference, pressed together like this, her head came just under his chin.
Wonderstein felt strands of hair tickling his throat.
She tilted her head, rubbing the back of it against the spot where her hat met his chest.
He knew what this meant.
Her scalp was itching under the hat.
She'd rub her head against the band a few times like that, then inevitably give in and scratch.
These past few weeks of staying close to her had taught him a handful of her little habits.
When deep in thought, she'd tickle Jjiksun's chin where the creature poked its head out of her pocket. When bored, she'd plant her face on the desk and murmur sounds not unlike Gudol's rumbling.
This was another one.
He reached toward the spot she'd be clawing at soon enough, lifted the edge of her hat, and ran his fingers soothingly across the back of her head.
"Mm... wh-what do you think you're doing..."
She tried to shake off his touch with a roll of her shoulders.
But if the intent had been to dislodge something settled on her body, the motion was so sluggish it might have barely managed to chase off a single mosquito.
Jjiksun, perched on her shoulder, yawned wide enough to split its face at the leisurely movement.
"Heh. Feeling a bit better?"
"Uh-huh... o-okay. But how did you know?"
"Miss Ella, everything shows on your face."
"Hmph... says the man who didn't even know I was acting."
He knew exactly which spot needed scratching to bring her relief.
Her black hair streamed between his fingers. His nails found the dried sweat on her scalp and traced across it.
"Mm..."
Ella shivered again, the body she'd just managed to calm betraying her.
She'd never known having someone else scratch your head could feel this good.
Wonderstein burst out laughing.
There was no mischief in it.
Scratching an itch for someone else had been one of the most basic forms of physical communication in his former life.
A person who couldn't move his own body, like him, had trouble managing even a simple itch on his own.
Spots he could rub, like his back or his rear, he could manage against a wall or the floor. The rest were beyond his reach.
So there had always been someone at his side to look after his skin.
When he was young, it was the other children at the orphanage. After he left, the foundation sent a caregiver to do it.
That experience was a big part of why he was so uninhibited about physical contact.
Being held, bathed, and fed by someone else was his normal.
Noticing where someone itched and scratching it for them was routine.
For Ella, though, it was an unfamiliar sensation.
She twitched every time his hand touched her skin.
She finally understood why the animals she'd raised made those happy sounds when you scratched beneath their fur or feathers.
Wonderstein clapped his hands together with a light smack, then spread them open toward her with a grin.
"Better now?"
"Well, uh, yeah... thanks to you..."
She couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye and adjusted her hat instead.
"Heh. Then tell me. When did you know?"
She let out a small sigh at his question.
"Since when? From the start..."
Ella paused to gather her breath, then began her story.
She'd been knocked out by the Reaper's Scythe. The moment she opened her eyes, the atmosphere around her felt wrong.
The troupe members were handling her oddly, tiptoeing around something.
She quickly realized what was worrying them.
She'd been struck by a Reaper's Scythe.
They were afraid something in her memory had been damaged.
They told her a Madosa who wielded the power of reversal had helped her.
"Maybe that's why? I'm fine. I remember everything."
And she proved it, going face to face with each of them and recounting shared memories to show her mind was intact.
But after she faced Wonderstein, something in the air shifted. After she hugged him, she studied the members' expressions.
They looked horrified.
At what she'd done.
What?
Did I do something wrong?
The members exchanged glances and shushed each other. They told her they were glad she was unharmed, but their faces said anything but.
She made a mental note to drill them on their acting later, then promptly pretended to be asleep. She sent Jjiksun out to eavesdrop.
—Dear gods. Did I just see what I think I saw.
—She said she likes the Troupe Leader?
—Aaaagh, this isn't the Ella we know!
What shocked them was Ella's fondness for Wonderstein itself.
She couldn't understand why they found it so strange.
Then she heard Maya explain, and the truth sank in.
Thanks to the Madosa who wielded the power of reversal, she hadn't been robbed of happy memories.
She'd lost her unhappy ones.
Specifically, the ones connected to Wonderstein.
That was why she, who'd originally hated him, had come to like him.
Ella's heart pounded violently.
I originally hated Wonderstein?
She retraced every moment with him from their first meeting to the present.
No matter how she searched, the only memories she found were good ones.
She couldn't even guess what terrible thing he was supposed to have done to her.
He was her first audience.
She was his founding partner.
He saved her hometown.
He'd saved her life more than once.
He supported her dreams.
He was a capable circus troupe leader.
He was someone worth respecting.
He was kind and good.
More than anything...
He was the person she liked most.
What were these unhappy memories tied to him?
Why would remembering them make me hate him?
She spent an entire day feigning immobility in her sickbed, struggling to recall what she'd lost.
But the more she examined her memories, the deeper her affection for him grew.
What did you do to me?
I like you this much...
And this is supposed to be fake?
After agonizing all day, she arrived at a single thought.
Do I really have to remember?
All the while, she kept using Jjiksun to gauge the members' reactions.
They didn't seem to know exactly what had happened between them either.
But from what they said, the events she'd been through since the Viscountess Bergson's manor mostly seemed to be real.
Something earlier — something the members didn't know about — had driven a wedge between him and her.
What could it be?
He's a good person.
Sure, he has flaws.
Maybe he messed something up badly because of them.
Maybe I was disappointed in him.
An image of Wonderstein fooling around with village girls surfaced in her mind, and she shook her head.
Nah, not that. Ugh.
Though it definitely does make me feel bad...
She also overheard Wonderstein ordering the members to keep silent about her memory.
His words were threaded with genuine concern for her.
She could feel his warm sincerity.
That's enough.
I don't need the past.
The present is good.
She decided to reject it outright — the memories she had lost.
And she pretended to know nothing, played along with the members' deception.
That was enough to make her happy.
Because it meant she could stay with the person she liked.
The reason she'd disliked Gaston was simple.
That he was luring Wonderstein down a different path?
It was a laughable attempt.
Nothing could break his passion for the Circus Grand Prix.
She just hated the thought of him trying to fix her memories.
What if the bad memories of him came flooding back?
What if he really had done something awful to her?
What if he wasn't the person she thought he was?
That was what terrified her.
So she'd dragged her feet and dodged treatment as long as she could.
So this happiness could last a little longer.
And all the while, she tried to grow closer to him.
So that even if her memories returned,
even if bad feelings surfaced,
she'd have piled up enough happy ones to bury them.
She poured out everything that had happened up to now.
A bitter ache twisted in Wonderstein's chest.
"Why? What if I really did do something terrible to you?"
She shook her head.
"You wouldn't have."
"Why?"
"Because I trust you."
Wonderstein smiled at her words — the exact opposite of what he felt inside.
Ella saw his smile and smiled back.
She looked up at him.
"I still don't know what it is I've lost."
Her voice had found more strength than before.
"If it comes back, will the feelings I have now vanish? Will I go back to hating you, resenting you, the way I did before?"
She murmured uncertainly, then shook her head firmly.
"Even so, I want to be true to how I feel right now."
She hesitated for a moment, then spoke with a certain smile.
"I like you, Wonderstein. Truly."