The Iljins Took My Nude Photos
Ugh. My head felt like it was about to split open. My body was heavy… and my stomach wasn't doing so great either.
I woke up. Every part of me ached. Why did drinking give me muscle pain?
Time… what time was it? I forced my eyes open and lifted just my head to check the clock.
But my gaze never made it to the wall.
It snagged instead on the mountain-like bulges rising on either side of my blanket-covered body.
They looked exactly like people lying on their sides. Come to think of it, the pillow felt a little lower than usual.
…I lay back down for now.
My arms were stretched out to both sides, and something unidentified was resting on top of them.
So I didn't turn my head.
I had a feeling something terrible was about to happen.
Really, truly.
Like the once-in-a-lifetime chance that had just arrived, like the day I first set foot in Nonsan Training Center (my draft notice hadn't even come yet), like the day I first met the Iljins.
Right now I was about to become the kind of fool who deliberately ignored the reality staring him in the face.
After all, whether I checked now or waited another thirty minutes or so, it wouldn't be too late…
Hmm. Tch. What should I do? I'd long since forgotten about looking at the clock.
While I was at it, I decided to dig through my memories.
Seo Daon in a full-blown sulk, and Do Yeon in an extremely foul mood.
Our Iljins had probably been like that even before we got home.
The reason… I had no idea. If I'd known, I wouldn't be thinking these thoughts, and my arms wouldn't be sealed in place.
Seriously… my chest hurt. My arms had lost all feeling ages ago.
Anyway. We'd each taken our seats, and the drinking party disguised as a celebration had begun.
The trigger had been Seo Daon (again, last week) ordering me to throw them a little celebration party because it would be hard for us to meet from now on.
That was why we'd gathered yesterday.
I'd buttered up the two grumpy Iljins for all I was worth.
Halfway through, Do Yeon had started chugging alcohol like water, and while trying to keep up with her pace I'd blacked out completely.
Wait. Right before I passed out, hadn't the Iljins said something or other?
…I couldn't remember. Was I really the idiot Seo Daon claimed I was?
Anyway, I'd opened my eyes to this.
And my arms were starting to hurt—really hurt. Why the hell was this happening to me!
Haa… I was sighing inwardly when it happened.
A low rumble, something spinning, followed by a thud! as whatever it was dropped.
It sounded exactly like my drum washing machine running.
…Huh? That was definitely the washer. I tried to sit up to check.
But the hard objects resting on both arms made it impossible.
If I forced my arms free… I wouldn't be able to keep pretending I didn't know forever.
I didn't even need to look. I already knew who was sleeping on either side of me.
Did the Iljins lack any self-awareness about what kind of people they were?
Why were they doing this? Why were they using my arms as pillows? Why hadn't they gone home?
I couldn't begin to guess their intentions. Honestly, they'd completely ruined the mood yesterday.
Do Yeon had been gulping booze like she was in a hurry, then kept giving me dirty looks when I couldn't keep up with her pace.
No! She kept stroking my thigh! Was she trying to crush my quadriceps?
And Seo Daon, after finishing her Bang-ul Toktok, had gotten so excited she started singing, throwing around aegyo, and treating me like a cute little hamster.
In front of Seo Daon I'd long since thrown away any male pride.
Really… I still didn't know whether I was supposed to like this or not.
When had I first met the Iljins? Kindergarten?
Do Yeon had already seemed like she'd lived a full life as a kindergartener, while Seo Daon had just been a tomboy.
They'd been the most popular kids in the whole place.
I remembered the boys who tried to hit on them getting rejected and crying their eyes out. Every single day.
So… how exactly had I become friends with them?
I clearly remembered that after we got close, the other boys had petty stopped playing with me.
…This was bad, wasn't it? I couldn't remember that?
Suddenly a flash of memory hit me—Do Yeon tying me to a sandbag and beating the crap out of me, Seo Daon tying me to a chair and locking me in a room.
And there had been plenty more after that…
From the day my parents died, my earlier memories just wouldn't surface clearly.
Maybe it had been little me's defense mechanism. They were probably still sitting in my hippocampus; I just couldn't pull them out.
Luckily everything after age ten was crystal clear—and that was when Do Yeon and Seo Daon had transformed into full-blown Iljins and started using me as their plaything.
So nothing major had really happened.
Hmm… mostly just me praising them, clapping, and cooing over them whenever they achieved something?
Well done, Lee Haerin. The way the Iljins act? You've got about half the credit for that. Got it?
Anyway, I had to send these troublemakers home, so I ignored them and tried to sit up.
"Ugh."
Both arms slammed down onto my chest and flattened me right back onto the bed.
…So the Iljins had been awake the whole time?
"…What are you doing?"
I asked.
No answer. The two of them just kept their arms on my chest and pressed their bodies closer.
One arm was soft. That was Seo Daon.
As an actress she didn't have much muscle. This was probably how a woman's arm was supposed to feel.
The other was firm. Obviously Do Yeon.
As a fighter she had real weight to her. Yet her arm didn't feel particularly thicker than Seo Daon's.
…Truly a new species of human? I'd always maintained that Do Yeon had at least transcended her species.
And because the Iljins were rubbing themselves against me, I could feel two soft, springy balloons against my sides.
I immediately flung my arms free and sat up.
"…"
"Eek."
So they really had been faking sleep.
"…What is this?"
I asked again.
"Ahem. Ahem."
Seo Daon pretended to cough. I turned my head to the right and looked at the silver-haired actress.
"Well, I mean… I can't sleep on the floor. My back hurts…"
Seo Daon's blue eyes slid toward the wall. Then she yanked the blanket up to her mouth with both hands.
Sigh. I turned my head the other way.
There lay a woman stripped bare like an Australopithecus.
Do Yeon was completely naked, chest fully exposed!
I covered my eyes and shouted.
"Yeon! Where the hell are your clothes!"
"…"
Look at her just sitting there again.
I was the idiot for getting mad at someone whose social intelligence was in the single digits.
What did you eat instead of the forbidden fruit! Do you have no shame?
"Hey. Do Yeon."
A cold voice came from the right.
"What are you doing?"
Seo Daon spoke like she was playing a murderer.
They were fighting again. Why had they been like this lately! Was watching me suffer that entertaining?
The moment I tried to calm the Iljins down—
"Huh?"
Do Yeon grabbed me and forced me flat again. I found myself staring at the ceiling with no idea what was going on.
She rustled around under the blanket, then held her phone up high, blocking the ceiling, turned sideways.
On the screen were me and Do Yeon, upper bodies fully visible—inside the camera app.
Click. The shutter sound rang out. Click.
Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick.
Do Yeon mashed the shutter like a maniac. I just stared with a blank face.
I couldn't keep up with this flow at all.
"Ah, that bitch is really—"
Then Seo Daon pressed right up against me and started snapping photos of herself and me with her phone camera too.
Countless shutter sounds filled the room. So this was the life of a celebrity.
For this one moment I had become the most popular man alive.
Because the only guy taking selfies with the youngest UFC entrant Do Yeon and the world's most beautiful woman Seo Daon was me.
They kept shooting for a good five minutes or more.
Only then did the Iljins seem satisfied and open their galleries to scroll through the photos.
I kept the same robotic expression while the two photographers switched through lively faces.
Do Yeon was even more expressionless than me. Smile a little, will you? Have your facial muscles already hardened solid?
She flipped through the pictures at high speed, reviewing them, while Seo Daon giggled and examined each one like it was the funniest thing in the world.
Okay, I could probably speak now.
"What the hell is going on?"
"Photos."
For once Do Yeon answered.
"No… I get that they're photos, but do you two even know what kind of people you are? What is this situation?"
I asked again, completely flabbergasted.
"That's…"
Do Yeon turned her head the other way like she was embarrassed.
I felt like I was going to lose my mind from frustration.
"Daon."
"Well…"
Seo Daon dragged the word out, then—
"You're fucked."
"Huh?"
Hearing such crude language come out of an actress's mouth was the only response I could manage.
"We just took nude photos of you. You know that, right?"
"Yeah."
I was curious how far this conversation would go.
"So how do you keep these photos from spreading all over the internet?"
I wasn't scared of Seo Daon in the slightest. Objectively she was talking like a kid playing house.
It even made me wonder whether she could actually pull off a serial-killer role.
"…What am I supposed to do?"
"Heh. Finally you understand language."
Who the hell had written this script? Looking at how completely the context had been wrecked, it had to be Do Yeon.
Seo Daon spoke with solemn gravity.
"Become my manager."
"What about my cafe job?"
"Is this the time for jokes!"
Seo Daon raised her voice.
"…But why a manager? You already have one."
I couldn't understand why she would go this far just to ask me to be her manager.
Honestly, how much of a scandal would a guy's naked body even cause?
And between the two of them they already had five phone numbers including mine.
Wait, no way—
"Heh heh heh. Get it now, Lee Haerin? Quit the cafe right this second and become my manager. Or else!"
Seo Daon held up my cafe boss's chat profile!
"I'll send your nude photos straight to your part-time boss."
"Go ahead."
"Huh?"
Seo Daon completely broke the mood.
"You can't react like that. You're supposed to pressure him harder, right?"
"That's not it. Haerin. You… don't care?"
"Hmm… not really? If our boss saw my nude photos she might actually like it. She's secretly into that kind of thing."
"Ah…"
Seo Daon looked at me with pity. Not at me—at our boss!
"But why go this far? You could've just asked if I could be your manager."
"That was that bitch."
Seo Daon pointed at Do Yeon.
"She said this was the only way you'd listen. You always made us go this far before you'd do us a favor."
Had I? That made me sound like a complete asshole.
"That wasn't me."
"What do you mean… You've been like that forever."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
I just nodded for now.
"But can I even be a manager? Plus you already have one, right?"
I asked the fundamental question.
"My manager got fired."
"Why?"
"He kept doing annoying little things. I told the CEO right away and had him reassigned."
"What exactly did he do?"
"Ugh! He was so jealous of me he kept acting irritated. I'd ask him to fix the schedule and he'd just make it however he wanted. Wouldn't even let me rest."
"Whoa."
"And when he drove he'd slam on the brakes nonstop!"
"Insane."
"He'd buy coffee with my money and then claim whatever I asked for was sold out and bring me stuff I hate!"
"Shall I kill him, Master?"
Seo Daon waved her hand.
"Forget it. So the position's open. You do it. You're good at this kind of thing."
"True. For you two I'd probably be the best manager possible."
"Right, right! So will you be my manager? Please~"
Seo Daon shoved her face right up to mine and pouted.
I pushed her face away and answered.
"Well… fine."
"Mmph. Pwah. Really?"
"Yeah. I wasn't going to the cafe starting next week anyway."
"Why? Business is booming there because of you, Haerin."
"It's not that… The boss finally got her Class 1 regular license. She's switching to a cafe truck."
She'd passed the road test on the fifth try, right? Shouldn't the driving school ban her or something?
"Really? Then you'll do it!"
Seo Daon asked, clearly thrilled.
"Yeah. Got i—gah! Hey, hey! Yeon!"
Do Yeon was trying to crush my thigh.
"Me."
"Ugh… it hurts. What?"
The pain made even my ears feel clogged.
"I'm your manager too."
Do Yeon looked me straight in the eye as she spoke. Did she have to stare so intensely at times like this…
"Why you?"
"He got clingy. I sparred him and sent him packing."
"…Good job?"
"Yeah."
"Then it's fine."
Right. You don't mess with a new species of human. Nope, not at all.
"But Seo Daon said it first?"
"Haerin."
"Yeah."
"I was first."
"…But there's such a thing as first come, first served!!! No no! There isn't."
That evil hand was climbing onto my thigh again. I immediately turned my head toward Seo Daon and said,
"She says so."
"…Tch. So I already made a deal with her."
"When did you two start getting along so badly?"
"Shh. Today's Friday, right? So tomorrow Saturday is that bitch's. Sunday you stay with me~"
Seo Daon said.
"You caused this whole mess just to say that?"
"Yep!"
Seo Daon answered proudly.
"Got it. I have to go to work, so I'm heading out first."
"Work hard~"
Seo Daon yanked the blanket all the way up and rolled herself into a burrito. The second Do Yeon gave it one tug, she lost the whole thing.
Seo Daon threw a fit. I sighed and headed for the closet.
"Ah. The washer?"
"It's running our clothes and yours. Ah, this bitch keeps doing that?"
"…Right."
I grabbed today's clothes and stepped into the bathroom.
"I'm exhausted…"
Still, I was glad I could keep hanging out with our Iljins.