The Saint's Whispering Smile
The briefing session had gone off without any real issues. I had stuffed myself with plenty of good food, and I had even shaken hands with Elfride, so I could honestly call it a pretty fine party.
But now what? I wondered if I should just keep repeating the same old routine from before, so I asked the Saint.
“So what do we do now?”
“Really... you have to ask me to explain everything yourself?”
Well, how was I supposed to know.
“You Hero can’t do anything without me. Mommy’s boy♡”
“...When did the Saint become my mother?”
“That’s exactly what you’re doing.”
How the hell did she know the term “mommy’s boy”? Sometimes I wonder if this era is really supposed to be medieval.
“Same as always, then. You’re still nowhere near strong enough yet, so...”
That’s what she said again? Sigh, my life sucks.
“Still, last time you handled the kobolds pretty well, so let’s try catching something else this time.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Kobolds and goblins are getting on my nerves now. Just seeing their faces makes me want to puke.”
“You remember the noll chieftain, right?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“It’s middle-class, but the noll itself is lower-class. So today you’re going to take one down.”
“Mm, got it.”
“Show me how hard you can swing that pathetic sword of yours♡”
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wait a second. I need to check the mirror. I completely forgot I was supposed to go look.
“Saint.”
“Hm?”
“You have a mirror?”
“Why would you carry one around on an adventure? The Hero’s head is just decoration, isn’t it? Your silly comments never stop, and honestly, that’s probably true♡”
“...I just wondered.”
Then where the hell do I get one? In medieval times, mirrors must have been ridiculously expensive—nobles’ exclusive property, since the crafting techniques weren’t advanced yet.
Probably even this novel world is based on Earth’s medieval era, so the same logic might apply.
“Saint, I want a mirror.”
“Suddenly?”
“Elfride said my face is handsome. It’s been bugging me.”
“...What are you even talking about? You act like you don’t even know what your own face looks like.”
Crap.
“Oh... no, it’s not that. I’ve been gone from the village for so long, and I’m worried my face might have changed.”
I came up with such a lame excuse. While I was wallowing in self-doubt, the Saint spoke up.
“Um... it’s fine. You’re not worrying about anything big.”
“Eh?”
“It’s perfectly fine. Your face hasn’t changed at all from the goblin thing♡”
“...Calling someone a goblin is just too much.”
She sounded like she was teasing, but... goblin? Does that mean she thinks my face is goblin-like?
Probably the comment was just lip service.
“Why? You look exactly the same. Ah, did I make you mad~?”
“The Saint is beautiful, so I guess you don’t know the hardships of ugly people, that’s why you tease♡”
“...Eh?”
The Saint let out a startled sound. Why? If I looked that bad, wasn’t she being pretty harsh?
‘Is the concept that I don’t even realize my own face is handsome?’
Author-nim... who writes such outdated settings even now...!
“Do you think I’m pretty?”
“Objectively, yes.”
“...So you think I’m objectively not pretty?”
“Not at all.”
The Saint’s pupils widened a little, then her eyes curved like a new moon.
“Fufu, you’ve been looking at me with that kind of gaze for a while now~? Who was it that first looked at me with such a lewd, filthy stare♡”
“What lewd stare?”
“Imagining me as a filthy, horny woman, even imagining making children with me? Kyaa, I’m so mad♡ I got molested by a perverted gaze from the trash Hero♡”
You goddamn brat. When did I ever say that? And how the hell does a medieval Saint know the term “molest”?
That arrogant little smile paired with the eye-crinkling was ugly as sin, but somehow... pretty. Which made it even uglier.
I let out a long sigh.
“I never had any such thoughts.”
“Liar♡”
“...Do whatever you want.”
Fuck. The Saint is a fucker. The author is a fucker.
#
“There’s a noll nest here?”
“Nolls normally dig caves in these rolling hills and live there. You adventurers come all the way out here with no sense of proper scouting at all. You’re so unprepared♡”
“...Heh.”
I was starting to feel enlightened. The Saint warned me seriously.
“Nolls are lower-class monsters, but they’re far stronger than goblins or kobolds. If you fight thinking like them, you’ll get seriously hurt, so be careful.”
“Yes.”
Even when I was in trouble, she worried about me like crazy. I always asked her to be this nice.
“Still, if they cut you with a holy sword, you’ll die instantly, so don’t get too scared♡”
“Got it.”
“Then I’ll go scout ahead.”
The Saint ran off alone down the hill in nothing but her white robes.
From everything I’d seen so far, it was best to listen to her words when fighting monsters. I wondered how the Church’s Saint knew so much about them, but she definitely understood their habits, weaknesses, and everything else.
“...That’s why no matter how smart you are, it’s hard to argue with her.”
In the novel world, I was the clueless one, and she was the knowledgeable expert.
I stood there blankly holding my sword for a while, when suddenly I saw the Saint sprinting toward me from afar.
“Kyaaah♡ Hero~! The noll are trying to kidnap me! If you don’t hurry, they’re gonna drag me off and rape me~!”
“Grrruuuk! What the hell is this woman saying?! Grrruuuk! Look at the crazy bitch ruining our dinner table!
“......”
Noll is pitiful.
The Saint had lured five nolls with her aggro. Half as many as the kobolds, but according to her, they were even more dangerous.
She came running back and hid behind me.
“Now show me how hard you can swing that sloppy sword of yours♡”
“...Yes.”
The nolls were shorter than expected, but they gripped heavy-looking axes and roared.
“Human! If you hand over that crazy woman, we’ll spare you, grrruuk!”
...It sounded tempting.
Then the Saint smacked my back from behind.
Ah, damn. Her hand burned like fire.
“What are you thinking about?! Hurry up and kill these useless nolls, you helpless Hero♡”
“...Y-yes.”
I raised my sword straight up, and the nolls tensed.
“Grrruuk! If you don’t give us the woman, we’ll kill you too, grrruuk!”
They swung their axes wildly, burning with rage. They were interrupting my dinner, after all.
I felt a little bad, but monsters couldn’t be left alive.
I moved first before they could attack. I swung my sword at the noll in front.
Clang!
“!”
It proved what the Saint said: nolls were completely different from kobolds or goblins. Their tiny bodies meant weak strength—maybe elementary-school level at best.
But the noll was different. The power surging from its oversized upper body was stronger than a grown man’s. It was shocking how much bigger it was than a human.
The noll’s axe blocked my swing, and the others quickly circled behind me.
“Tch.”
Thud!
I kicked the noll’s blocking axe away, then swung my sword behind me. The noll’s head met the ground with a wet crunch.
‘One down.’
Four left. Two nolls dropped their axes from above my head.
“Wow, damn. I almost died.”
I threw myself to the ground and rolled, barely dodging the blades. I popped back up, grabbed my sword, and stabbed backward.
“Grrruuk!”
One noll that tried to sneak up got pierced. My senses had sharpened from constant fighting; I could pull off moves like this.
Then another noll swung its axe without a second’s pause. The problem was I still had my sword reversed.
Clang!
“Grrruuk!”
I blocked it in an awkward position. The noll’s strength was on another level—nowhere near goblin or kobold—and blocking with such poor form was impossible.
Clang!
The axe and sword bounced apart, throwing off my balance. The only problem was I was alone and three nolls remained.
One noll took the opening and swung again. It brought the axe down on my left thigh.
“!!!”
Blood exploded outward. The bright red spray hit my eyes.
“Fuck!”
Pain hit like a truck. Anger surged with it, and curses poured out.
I grabbed my right leg for balance and drove the sword straight forward, piercing the noll’s heart.
Squish!
“Grrruuk!”
The noll dropped with a weird gurgle. I grimaced at the belated pain, clutching my bleeding thigh and groaning.
“...Damn... haah... it hurts...”
“Hero.”
The Saint called from behind. I turned with a scowl, and she spoke with a serious face.
“Hold on.”
“...Fuck, I know.”
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
Blood kept flowing, the wound burning hot. My whole body felt feverish. Two nolls left. I had to finish them fast before the damn Saint could heal me.
“...What a shitty life.”
Limping forward, I faced the remaining two. They circled aggressively, trying to end it with speed. Double team was going to be hell.
“...”
Still, I had clear advantages: my sword was a cheat item, and I was taller with longer limbs.
Crack!
“Grrruuk?! How...?!”
Before the first noll’s axe could reach me, I snatched its handle and hurled it at the attacker behind me.
Smack!
“Grrruuk?!”
“Grrruuk... what are you doing, grrruuk!”
“Die, fuck!”
I drove the sword straight through. The blade punched through flesh with a wet sound and speared both nolls effortlessly.
The nolls slumped lifeless. I collapsed to the ground.
“...Haah... haah... damn it...”
Why was I even in this situation? I just wanted to go home, damn it.
“Hero. You got hurt again.”
“Haah... fuck, it hurts so bad...”
“You really do need me, Hero. Just hang in there a little longer. I’ll heal you soon♥”
The Saint spoke and poured divine power into me. I wanted to snap at her usual rude tone, but her worried expression melted my anger away.
‘...What kind of face is that.’
Her hawk-like eyes were full of worry, brows furrowed over my thigh wound. The cut closed in an instant, and sweat beaded on her cheeks from the effort.
“...Saint?”
“...Hm? What is it?”
“Why are you making that face?”
She didn’t answer. She just flashed that arrogant little smile and teased me.
“Couldn’t hold it in and you were staring at my face~? Even if I’m pretty, you shouldn’t stare too much. You look like a horny monkey♡”
“......”
...How was I supposed to hate her?