What a Damn Mess!
“Damn it, damn it!”
There are three animals in this world that I absolutely despise the most.
The first is the mosquito. Those miserable bastards are the main culprits who keep me up all night during summer. They’re my number-one candidate for extinction.
The second is the cockroach. God only knows where they come from, but the moment I turn on the lights at home, they’re suddenly everywhere. And they vanish like magic, so I end up sleeping with a light on every single night.
And the third…
Squeak! Squeak!
“Get the hell out!!!”
“Fuhuhu, Your Highness the Saint~♡ You’re really such a dummy~♡”
I glared at it. What, you want an explanation? After living in a basement my whole life, these things are on the same level as roaches—or even worse.
Their size is obviously overwhelming compared to roaches, and they spread plagues even more effectively. When a normal cockroach shows up, you just do a basic cleaning and exterminate it. These huge ones are a nightmare to kill and dispose of.
And now they were swarming right in front of me, dozens of them charging to attack.
…Please save me.
“Saint! Do something!!!”
“Fuhuh, are you scared of rats, Your Highness the Hero~♡? A grown man who can’t even kill a rat is such an X-bread~♡ You pathetic loser~♡”
“…Damn it!”
Stop with the crap and help me already!
I swung my sword and sliced three Heavy Rats in one go. They were weaker than goblins, so taking them down wasn’t exactly difficult.
The problem was that every time I killed one, I hated the splash of flesh, blood, and body fluids. Especially because they looked just like rats—it was too disgusting.
“Ah, Saint! Please help!”
“What are you saying? This is a fight you have to win~♡”
“Damn it! Then I’ll use the wish power! Just handle them for me!!!”
“…No way~♡”
You’re granting wishes!?
“The wish has to be something else~♥”
“It’s not my wish!?”
“Honestly… I never imagined the Hero would hate rats this much. Living in the countryside, you’d get used to them, right?”
That’s not where I used to live! I lived in a big city!
“…Fine. Step aside.”
“Okay.”
Surprisingly, the Saint stepped forward without hesitation. She stood right between me and the Heavy Rats, then raised her right hand high and slammed it down.
…What did she just do?
《 Holy Hammer 》
Kwaaang!!!
“…That scared the crap out of me.”
A massive golden hammer suddenly appeared out of thin air and crushed the entire swarm of Heavy Rats into the ground. The squeaking sounds stopped immediately.
The hammer vanished, leaving behind piles of crushed Heavy Rat corpses.
“Ugh, damn it.”
“You have a surprisingly weak stomach, Hero.”
“…It’s just rats.”
“Do you really hate them that much?”
“…Is there anyone who likes rats? They’re carriers of all kinds of plagues.”
Even the Black Death that ravaged medieval Europe was carried by rats.
“You’re not wrong, but it would be good for you to get used to them eventually.”
“Why?”
Isn’t it enough that they only appear in sewers?
“Rats aren’t the only monsters that look like rats~♡”
“…Really?”
“Yes~♡ Next time you’re scared, you’ll probably be trembling like an X-bread and begging me for help~♡”
“…Haa.”
I really hate this.
After walking deeper into the sewer, just like the Saint had said, more monsters appeared.
It wasn’t all Heavy Rats, but we also ran into a goblin nest and creatures that looked like bats—Soundbats.
The Soundbats were especially weird. They attacked by making weird noises with their huge mouths.
Since they used sound waves, fighting them was tricky. You couldn’t even see the attack coming. But thanks to the Saint’s blessing that protected my hearing, I managed to handle it.
“Hero, look there.”
“What?”
“That’s a slime.”
Where? The only thing I saw was the sewer water the Saint was pointing at.
“Your eyesight is that bad~♡”
“Where is it?”
“Right there blocking the sewer.”
“???”
…You’re messing with me, right?
The sewer the Saint pointed at was indeed overflowing with water. The amount wasn’t huge compared to the others…
“…Huh?”
“Now you noticed it~? Your observation skills are terrible~♡”
Why was there so little water flowing out of just that one sewer? When I looked closer, something transparent was moving.
“Ah, I found it.”
“I’m not helping you this time. Prove to me that even slimes are no match for an X-bread~♡”
“…Yes.”
Slimes have to be attacked at the core, right? I needed to hit it first to make it show its true form. I couldn’t see the core while it was transparent like that.
I charged forward with my sword and sliced at the slime. It revealed its true form and started moving.
I cut its body, but it felt like slicing through water. The slime didn’t seem to care about the detached pieces at all—it just wiggled and tried to escape.
“Where are you going.”
But that was my mistake. The slime wasn’t running away. Instead, a soft tentacle stretched out from its body like an arm.
“Oh~♡”
“…Saint?”
It was trying to gain momentum for its attack! But why was it grabbing the Saint instead of me…?
The slime’s jelly-like body wrapped around the Saint and lifted her up.
“Kyaah~♡ Hero, what do I do~♡”
What do you mean what do you do? Get out of there already!
She was stronger than me and worried about what I should do. But the Saint gave an answer I never expected.
“Hero~♡ Do you know~?”
“What?”
“Slimes have very high holy resistance~♡”
“…Huh?”
…So I can’t escape?
“I don’t know how to fight slimes~♡”
“…Really?”
At that moment, the slime began wrapping itself completely around the Saint. There was a sizzling sound, and her clothes started melting.
“…Insane.”
“Kyaak♡ Hero! Hurry up and save me~♡ If this keeps going, I’ll be touched and assaulted everywhere!!”
…Touched? What the hell is that supposed to mean.
It looked like the slime was trying to eat the Saint alive. There was no other reason her clothes would suddenly melt.
Even in this situation, the Saint didn’t try to escape on her own.
…She really can’t get away? I attacked it, but I don’t get why it grabbed her.
“Kyaaaah~♡ Hero! Hurry!”
…Why does it sound like she’s enjoying this?
“…Wait.”
First, the core was visible. Since the whole body was jelly-like, I could find the core easily.
I raised my sword and stabbed straight at the core.
“Huh?”
“What are you doing, Hero? You’re acting like an X-bread~♡”
I clearly aimed at the core, but the core was right next to it and I stabbed somewhere else.
What?
I pulled the sword out and stabbed again.
“Hero, if you can’t hit it even once, what do I do~♡ You X-bread~♡”
“…Shut up.”
This wasn’t my fault. The slime kept moving the core’s position.
Because its body could freely deform without a fixed shape, it could do things like this.
“Kyaah~♡ Hero~♡ My clothes are melting~♡”
“…That’s true.”
Her clothes were already melting in patches. Through the melted spots, I could see her pure white skin quite clearly… what the hell.
“Hero! Where are you even looking~♡ You beast♡ Pervert♡ You get excited just looking at a useless woman~♡”
“…Damn it.”
Maybe I should just let it happen.
But I had to think about the future. The Saint was an essential companion. Yeah, let’s think of it as acquiring a necessary item.
Every time I tried to stab the core with my sword, the slime moved it again. So what now?
…There is a simple way.
I raised my sword again. I stabbed the core.
“You missed again! You pathetic X-bread♡”
It didn’t even take a breath. I pulled the sword out and stabbed once more. The slime tried to block me with a tentacle, but I had the Holy Sword.
Just swinging the sword was enough—the slime’s body collapsed and fell to the floor in chunks. Then I targeted the core again.
I repeated the process dozens of times.
After catching my breath and glancing at the Saint, I noticed her clothes had melted even more.
…Don’t look over there.
“Hero~♡ I’m really going to get eaten~♡”
I needed to go faster. I took a deep breath and stabbed again.
After repeating the same process several times, the moment my stabbing speed finally surpassed the slime’s movement speed, it happened.
Thrust!
“…Huu.”
When I pulled the sword out, the core I had stabbed came out with it. The slime that lost its core writhed violently, then suddenly stopped moving and collapsed into a puddle on the floor.
The instant the core is destroyed, the slime dies.
“Kya!?”
*Thud!*
Thanks to the slime’s body collapsing, the Saint fell butt-first onto the ground. It must have hurt.
“Ouch…”
“Are you okay?…… Haa.”
I was about to check if she was okay, but I realized the Saint’s situation and turned my head away. The only thing left covering her important parts was a tattered scrap that could no longer be called clothes.
Haa… I immediately took off the cloak I was wearing and threw it to her.
“…Put this on.”
“…Hero~♡ Were you getting excited by looking at my body~?”
“No, just put it on quickly.”
“E~♡ Lie~♡”
“You’re taking the cloak back?”
The Saint pouted.
“You’re taking me to the guild like this? You perverted pervert♡ I hate exposure play~♡”
“Stop talking nonsense and put it on already.”
“Yes~♡”
I heard rustling from behind. Without the cloak, I felt empty.
A moment later, the Saint poked my back with her finger.
“Hero~♡”
“What is it?”
“Your equipment is quite damaged. Should we go buy new ones?”
“…I’m supposed to save money.”
“Since you saved me, I’ll give you a gift~♥”
A gift? If something’s damaged, the normal thing is to replace it.
At that moment, a voice tickled my ear.
“Thank you, Hero♥”
I startled and turned around. The Saint was smiling with her eyes curved into crescents, that familiar cheeky smile on her face.
“…Yes.”
For some reason, my face felt a little hot.
…Did I catch a cold?
#
After leaving the sewer, we returned to the guild and received our bounty money.
The moment I handed over the broken slime core, the guild surprisingly paid more than expected. Apparently, monster cores were useful for magical experiments.
Including the sale of loot, I received a total of 60,000 gold. I asked the Saint, who was still wearing my cloak.
“But what about the priestess clothes? The Saint’s dress melted, right?”
“You can get it from the cathedral branch. The problem is that there’s no branch in Habsburg City.”
“Then what do we do?”
“What do you mean? For now I’ll have to wear something else~♡ Did you not think of that, Hero? You dummy~♡”
…Does the Saint get to wear anything besides priestess clothes? In the reception hall it was unavoidable, but normally she can’t just wear whatever she wants.
“Then are you going to buy clothes and go straight to the branch?”
“The nearest branch is in Lancaster City.”
Lancaster? A noble family famous for red roses. The author must have based the name on a real historical family.
“How far is it?”
“It takes about a week by carriage.”
“A bit far.”
“So, while we’re there to buy new equipment for you anyway, I’ll get new clothes too~♡”
That’s a good idea. When I nodded, the Saint smiled with a light voice.
“Let’s go quickly, you pathetic Hero♡”
“…Yes.”