The Power Not to Lose Oneself
Only after losing her mother did Noah realize that this world was a space overflowing with suffering.
“……”
A child knows nothing of the world's suffering. Nothing of its tempests. Nothing of its malice. A child's world is their mother's embrace. Because the mother shoulders all that suffering in their place, the child's world is nothing more than a cradle—comfortable and secure.
“……I don't want to die.”
In that horrific suffering, Noah felt an intense obsession with life for the first time. Survival instinct. The terror of death can only truly be felt by the living.
“I hate being lonely…… I don't want to be alone.”
To live is to die bit by bit. Day by day, Noah died—and with each death, her thirst for life grew deeper. The greater the suffering, the more precious life became. In the end, aren't humans masochists, creatures who find meaning in life amid their pain?
“I want to live……!”
Yet a will to live doesn't guarantee survival. Noah died. The illness she was born with devoured her life with insatiable greed. A being promised death from the moment of birth. This could describe all life…… but for her, who consumed herself just to survive only to die, it fit even better.
“……”
Death. Irreversible death. A one-sided, irreversible end that the living can no longer answer. Noah died. Truly died.
But some rise from death after three days.
Fear not.
It was a miracle. A miracle only she could receive.
I am with you.
Noah killed Zara. She burned her mother in fire. She offered the world's most pitiable scapegoat as a burnt sacrifice to God. And in the end, she devoured even herself.
Do not be surprised.
It was the proper rite.
I will be your father.
The birth of the saintess. Having lost her mother, Noah became the daughter of God. And thus received new life.
Love. Truly I say to you, love.
Love yourself.
This was a God of promises. If Zara was the most wicked in the world, then everyone was less wicked than her.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
If Zara was the most unfortunate in the world, then everyone was less unfortunate than her.
Love your enemy as your neighbor.
Good and evil. Life and death. Misfortune and happiness. Valleys and peaks. One begets the other, and one is added because the other is absent. The god who maintains the world's balance.
Then I shall truly promise you eternal life.
That god was called the God of Balance and Necessary Evil.
“Ahaha. Long time no see, Noah.”
“……Mother.”
“Hehe. Won't you call me Mom?”
“…….”
Noah fell silent. She answered with silence. How could she dare utter the word “Mom”? Noah was the sinner who had killed Zara. Shame kept her from even lifting her head.
“Well, that makes sense! Names aren't important anyway.”
“……I'm sorry.”
“What was that earlier? Did you say you were sorry? Sorry for killing me?”
“It's all my fault. So──.”
“Why?”
“……Pardon?”
“Why did you kill me? Why are you sorry now?”
“Well, I──.”
Noah didn't know how to answer. Why did she kill her? Because she didn't know. She didn't know what death was. She didn't know what suffering was. She didn't know what loneliness was. Ignorance led to sin. Had she known, she wouldn't have sinned.
Why sorry now? Because now she knew. She knew how grave the sin was. She knew how horrific the mistake. That was all.
“No. That's not it. That's not the issue!”
But Zara shook her head. She stubbornly denied it. And asked once more.
“Let me ask again, Noah. Why did you do it?”
“…….”
“Because you were young, because you didn't know…… Those are excuses added later. They mean nothing. Let's be honest. Back then, why? What were you thinking?”
“That was……”
Back then, why? Well, back then… At that time, I──.
“……I was frustrated.”
Frustrated.
“There were too many things I wasn't allowed to do. So I did it on purpose. The more I was told not to, the more I wanted to.”
“Yeah, yeah. And?”
“I was hurt. I knew you didn't love me. It hurt, so I wanted to draw your attention on purpose. I thought if I shone like fire, I'd catch your eye for sure.”
“What an ungrateful little bitch! Do you know how hard I tried for you? You're a total whore.”
“……Pardon? I-I'm sorry.”
“Keep going. There's more, right?”
“I was curious. About what suffering was. What happens if you break the rules. Why people fear fire.”
“Ah, curiosity. And?”
“…….”
“That's it?”
“……Yes.”
Zara slowly mulled over Noah's answer, nodding. Then she placed a hand on Noah's head.
Noah flinched. Zara gently stroked her hair.
Zara's frame was a bit smaller than Noah's. It looked like a slightly smaller girl petting one just a little bigger.
“I see. I forgive you.”
“Pardon?”
“It couldn't be helped, right? It was partly my fault for not raising you properly. If I didn't know anything either, I'd have made the same mistake. Kids grow by messing up.”
“But── are you really okay with it, Mother?”
“I'm fine. It's in the past anyway.”
“…….”
Noah fell silent. It felt like a spike had pierced between her ribs. Like holes had been punched in her liver and lungs. It hurt. Her mother's kindness and goodness hurt. The more forgiveness she received, the heavier her own sin felt.
And then, as if understanding Noah's heart, her mother spoke.
“So, Noah. Forgive yourself too.”
“M-me?”
“Yes. It looks to me like you can't forgive yourself.”
“……”
“You don't have to torment yourself anymore. Your sin is forgiven. I'm standing here before you, and I won't blame you again.”
“Why…… why? You always treat your own misfortune so lightly──.”
“Noah. Don't decide my misfortune for me.”
“Pardon?”
“I'm not so weak that something like that makes me unhappy.”
Only then could Noah truly look at the girl before her. The kind girl stroking her head didn't resign to misfortune or buckle under responsibility. She faced the misfortune head-on, more boldly than anyone.
“It's not that it's okay for me to suffer. What you did was a grave wrong, and if you do it again, I'll really get mad. I'll curse you out harshly. Maybe even spank you.”
“…….”
“But that's not what's truly important. What's truly important is that you're trapped by that wrong and can't move forward.”
Noah knew that gaze. That blazing look, bolder before fate than anyone's. That was── well── that gaze was── the bold, positivity-filled gaze of──.
“Noah. You can become a better person.”
It was Gigachad's gaze.
“What you don't know, learn. If you mess up, reflect. Some mistakes might be unforgivable, like you said. You might not even get a chance to apologize. You might suffer guilt your whole life. You might repeat the same mistake someday.”
“…….”
“But, Noah. You can't give up everything because of that. Your life is here, now. Not in the past where you sinned.”
Her mother's voice overlapped with Gigachad's.
“It's okay not to know. It's okay to mess up. Doing something bad doesn't make you a bad person. The moment you get trapped by that sin, think 'I'm a bad person,' and give up—that's when you truly become a bad person.”
Gigachad was a disease of the heart. The inner self I'd denied. The comfort I wanted to give myself. The encouragement I craved.
“What's truly important is striving to be a good person. It's okay to fail. What matters isn't the result, but the process. Not the goal, but the journey toward it—that's what makes you better.”
And all of it had been inherited from her mother.
“Got it? So, Noah. Forgive yourself. Only you can change yourself. If you don't believe in yourself, you can't do anything.”
Then. Even this feeling must have been inherited from her mother. It wasn't so strange.
Maybe, just maybe, she'd been receiving her mother's comfort all along……
That thought came to her.
“Hehe. Did I talk too much?”
“……Mother.”
“Yes, Noah.”
“That…… is it really a sin──.”
No. Wrong. She'd already learned. There was a different thing to say in moments like this.
What was needed now wasn't “sorry.” What was needed was──.
“……Thank you. Mother. For giving birth to me…… for forgiving me…… thank you so much.”
“No big deal! I didn't give birth because I wanted to or anything.”
“Zara. Isn't that answer a bit odd……?”
“Ehehe. Is it?”
The three girls smiled. Sunlight seemed to pour only into this bedroom.
And then, Zara took Noah's hand and hooked her pinky.
“Then, Noah. Make one promise with me?”
“A promise……?”
“Yes!”
“Hm. What kind?”
“Promise not to torment yourself. Not to abuse yourself.”
“Haha…… alright.”
“You have to keep it.”
“I will. Absolutely.”
“Good. Priscilla-sis is the shrine maiden of the Scales and Contracts, right? Since you've promised, breaking it will bring terrifying punishment.”
“Huh? Me?”
Priscilla tilted her head. Then chuckled and nodded.
“Yes. It's not hard. As Priscilla, shrine maiden of the Scales and Contracts── by the authority of the fair Scales, I bear witness to your promise.”
At that moment, a tiny spark from Zara's heart flowed into Noah's and took root. No one noticed, as it was so small.
“Zara. Time to go back now.”
“Huh?”
“Her precious daughter is waiting, isn't she? We can't take too much time. The promise…… we can make it again later.”
“Ah, right! See you later, Noah.”
“Yes, Mother.”
In truth, the flame holding the power not to lose herself was irrelevant. That her illness wouldn't consume her was irrelevant. What truly mattered wasn't power, but promise.
The two had hooked pinkies and promised.
That was enough.
“By the way, Priscilla-sis. What did you mean by 'people suffering the same disease of the heart'?”
“It means people who need courage.”
“Ah.”
“Hehe.”
“Hehe.”