Schrödinger's Pregnancy

The next morning, I slept like the dead and woke up feeling surprisingly fine. Considering I had walked through the night and then gone to town swinging a wooden club, spending the day laid up in bed would not have been strange at all. People really do need their sleep.

I would have to catch up on more sleep later.

At any rate, I had come out to the front gate to see Iris off on her way back to the White Magic Tower. The sister-in-law rehabilitation project meant I had to stay a few more days, but there was no reason for Iris to do the same. She had work waiting at the Tower — and more importantly, someone had to tell Celia what kind of mess I was stirring up out here. Having Iris explain it in person would be faster than any letter.

There was just one thing that had been bothering me for a while now.

"Unit 2. What's with you? Did you hurt your neck?"

"……"

"What?"

"...That's so mean."

"What is?"

"You pretended to be asleep... and then you went at it so hard..."

...What was she talking about.

I stared at her with a face that made it obvious I had no idea, and Iris glanced around. A few servants were nearby getting the carriage ready, so ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠she hesitated a moment before stepping closer and tugging her bandage down just a little.

"……"

One side of her neck was bright red. If that had been all, I might have figured she had bumped into something — except right in the middle of it, as clear as day, was a mark that looked an awful lot like human teeth, stamped there with real commitment.

"...It hurt, you know."

Iris pulled the bandage back up at once. Then, as if something else still ached, she reached back and gingerly rubbed at her hip.

"...And you could've been a little gentler when you grabbed me..."

"...????"

Grabbed you where?

I don't remember a single thing????

Alright. Let's rewind last night from the top.

I had finished talking with my father-in-law, picked up ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠a few cinnamon rolls from the dining hall on the way back to my room, and eaten them. Then I had collapsed onto the bed, and right as I was about to drop off, Iris had come by. She had said something... and after that, nothing. I couldn't remember a thing.

To be precise, I had the vague sense I had dreamed something incredibly pleasant. I had chased after something that kept slipping just out of reach, finally caught it, and at the end I could faintly recall eating it with great satisfaction.

What I had eaten, I had no idea.

"...I really hate you. You're still pretending you don't even know."

"No, I genuinely don't know. What the hell are you even talking about???"

Iris turned her head away, sulking. Apparently I had done something...

The clock rolled back to last night.

Iris could hardly bring herself to get up from the bed. Leon was sleeping so deeply it made all the tension she had been carrying until a moment ago feel almost absurd. She sat on the edge of the mattress and watched his face a little longer.

"Uheheh..."

The corner of Leon's mouth suddenly lifted.

"Umai..."

"...Umai?"

Another word she had never heard before.

Sometimes Leon was just strange. When he talked about magic ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠he lit up like a child, and then he would say things other people could agonize over for a lifetime as if they were nothing at all. He barely seemed to care how extraordinary the things he had done actually were, and yet when it came to food or money he was more serious than anyone alive. On top of that there was South Korea this, NTR that, Yamcha whatever — words she had never heard in her life, which he used as if they were the most natural things in the world, and when she asked what they meant he usually just waved it off with a stuff like that exists.

"...Maybe those are words they use in the celestial realm."

And inside his head there was even a presence that handled calculations far beyond anything a human could manage. Leon kept insisting otherwise, but Iris still could not bring herself to believe he was really just an ordinary person.

"...Leon. What are you dreaming about?"

There was, of course, no answer. A little drool even started to trickle from the corner of his mouth. Iris snorted a quiet laugh at the sight and pulled a handkerchief from her robes.

"...You're actually adorable."

Even when she carefully wiped his mouth, Leon only scrunched his face a little in his sleep. He showed not the faintest sign of opening his eyes. Iris watched him a while longer, then finally rose from the bed.

"...I should get going."

It was far too late. She had to return to the White Magic Tower first thing in the morning, and staying this long had already been more than enough. She had never managed to say the things she had wanted to say.

"...It's alright, though. We'll see each other again once I'm back. I can tell him then."

She had taken a few steps toward the door with that thought when she stopped.

"...I am a little disappointed, though."

If she walked out like this, there was no telling how long she would have to wrestle with herself before she found the courage again. Iris looked from the closed door to the sleeping Leon and back, and in the end she turned around and came back to the bed.

"...Just one last time."

She wanted to taste that sweetness just once more. He was asleep anyway. He would never know she had done something like this.

Iris carefully pursed her lips and started to lean down.

And then — whump!

"Kyah...!"

Leon's arm suddenly wound around her waist.

"Uhihi... caught you..."

"L-Leon?! Were you pretending to sleep this whole—"

A yank.

Before she could even finish the sentence, her body was hauled forward. Iris lost her balance and toppled onto his chest, and by the time she collected herself she was straddling him, both hands planted on his shoulders.

"Nnh...!"

She tried to scramble up in a hurry, but the arm locked around her waist would not let go. If anything, Leon pulled her in a little tighter, as if he had no intention of letting his prize escape.

And then.

A firm squeeze.

"Kyaah...!"

He clamped down on her backside, and a short scream slipped from Iris's lips.

"Nnh...! Leon...!"

"Heheheh... so squishy... don't mind if I... eat this..."

"What...?"

A bite.

"Nngh...!"

Leon sank his teeth into the nape of her neck, hard.

"That hurts! Leon! Let go!"

Iris tried desperately to get up, but she could not move at all. The more she thrashed to get free, the more he tightened his grip on her hip, as if he refused to drop what he was holding. She called his name over and over, pleading, and not a single answer came back.

"Let gooo...! Leon!"

"Slurp... slurp... mmph..."

"Nngh-hhh...!"

Now he had his tongue out, licking back and forth between the nape of her neck and her shoulder.

"L-Leon... seriously..."

Even when Iris whined at him with tears in her voice, Leon only mumbled something with the happiest expression in the world.

"Cinnamon roll... umai..."

Time snapped back to the present.

Okay, what the actual fuck?

Judging by the evidence alone, I had apparently gone at something pretty hard?

...Hold on.

This felt weirdly familiar. It had been the exact same thing last time with Celia. I had opened my eyes the next morning to find everything already over, and I had not remembered a single thing that had happened in between. Back then I had figured I had just drunk myself into a blackout.

This time I had not touched a drop.

...AI.

Is there some kind of disease where your memories get wiped completely after doing that?

Yasu. I'm talking about yasu.

SEX! Sexual intercourse, you useless hunk of junk!!!

You could have just understood me the first time.

Sexsomnia...?

First time I was hearing that one.

Ahhh. That's the one.

Nothing else even comes close.

...I'm so fucked.

In other words, that was it. I could go to town on the steamiest, stickiest, pure-love, baby-making sex in the world, and the next morning I would not remember a single thing I had done.

I was actually, genuinely fucked.

...No. Hold on.

This was a time for some reverse thinking.

I had done it yesterday. I could not remember it today. I do it again today. By tomorrow the memory is gone. I do it again. It vanishes again.

Which meant...

I get to enjoy a brand-new flavor every single time...?

No matter how much I did it, none of the previous experience stayed in my head, so every time was basically the first time. If I could not remember having done it, was that not the same as never having done it at all?

Just thinking about it was making me giddy!!!

A man who could keep the thrill of the first time for the rest of his life. Where else on earth was there a constitution this blessed.

...Of course, the small talk afterward would be a little unfortunate. How was it, what did you like, let's try it this way next time. I would remember nothing while the other person remembered everything, so the conversation would get pretty one-sided.

Still. Nothing in this world is perfect.

Big picture, though, this is a win, right?

You don't need to.

Zip it.

I glanced sideways. Iris was still fussing with her neck and glaring at me like I had personally offended her. Saying out loud what I had just cooked up in my head was probably a bad idea. She was already mad. If I followed that up with something like it's a fresh experience every time, so it's a total win~, we might just pick up last fight right where we had left off.

That was when the sound of hooves carried over from a distance. A carriage stamped with House Meyrud's crest rolled up to the front gate and stopped in front of us. The coachman climbed down with practiced ease and opened the door.

"Whenever you're ready, my lady."

"Yes."

Iris answered shortly and walked toward the carriage. But just as she was about to climb in, she turned back around and looked at me.

"...Leon. I'm heading back first, so."

"Yeah."

"...I'll be waiting."

"Yeah."

"……"

Iris waited in silence for a while, then finally pouted, her lips pushing out just a little.

"...Is that all you wanted to say?"

"...?"

Had I left something out. I had already told her goodbye. Maybe I was supposed to tell her to get back safely. Or to send a letter once she arrived...

I thought about it for a second, then just walked over to her and pulled her into my arms.

"...!"

"Now that I'm hugging you, you're smaller than I thought."

I had no idea what she wanted anyway. This was faster and easier than standing there overthinking it for a hundred years.

"Oops."

The coachman muttered under his breath and immediately turned his head the other way. The man had some serious tact.

Iris went stiff at first, but it was not long before she carefully wrapped her arms around my waist.

"Just wait a few days."

"...Okay."

"Once I'm done with your sister, I'll come straight back."

"Okay."

The voice coming from against my chest was definitely softer than before. I patted her back a few times, and then the thought that had been stuck in my head all morning just slipped right out.

"...?!"

Iris's whole body locked up. A moment later, the head against my chest slowly lifted.

"W-what did you just...?"

"The baby's name."

"Why would you suddenly..."

"It'll be pretty. Taking after you. Probably."

"D-don't... say things like that..."

Her face went scarlet in an instant. Her ears, the nape of her neck — all of it. I quietly studied that reaction.

Hmm... that reaction.

I had only been probing a little, but looking at this, I must have gone and unloaded the whole payload last night. I did not even remember it, and I might still have knocked her up.

What was this, Schrödinger's Pregnancy?

Throw Celia into the mix and I already had two kids at this age. That was some terrifying speed. At this rate I could put together a whole soccer team in the next three years. Though if I wanted benchwarmers too, I would have to work a little harder.

"...Leon!"

"Hm?"

"I-I'll see you later!"

Iris scrambled out of my arms and climbed straight into the carriage. The door shut, and a moment later the wheels started to turn. A bright-red face appeared again through the open window.

"Leon!"

"What!"

"...See you later!"

Iris waved her hand in a big arc.

"Yeah! See you later!"

I waved back. The carriage rolled farther and farther away, until at the end only the hand sticking out the window was still visible, and then even that vanished around the bend in the road. I kept waving until it was gone, then slowly lowered my arm.

"Alright... now then..."

I turned and looked back at the Meyrud estate. Wife No. 2 had been sent off in one piece. All that was left now was a five-thousand-gold-coin sister-in-law.

"...Nnh..."

Zenith slowly opened her eyes. The ceiling was a familiar one. Her own room. She tried to sit up and immediately grimaced.

"Ugh... everything hurts..."

As of yesterday her arms and legs had been covered in bruises, but most of those were gone now. The family's healers must have treated her while she was unconscious. Even so, they had not been able to wash out the shock still sitting in her bones and muscles. The slightest movement made her whole body throb.

"...Kh..."

Yesterday came back to her on its own. Shattering every spell she cast. Suddenly picking up a wooden club and beating someone while laughing his head off. And then that brat, younger than she was, lecturing her about being an adult and taking responsibility.

The more she thought about it, the angrier she got!!!

"What the hell is that guy?! That little shit! What kind of mage is that supposed to be?!!"

Zenith clenched the blanket in both fists.

"Kh... damn it... I won't forgive him... never! I'll go find him soon and—"

"And do what, exactly, once you find me?"

"……"

Zenith slowly turned her head. The chair in the corner of the room. Leon was sitting in it.

"Huh? Find you and then wha—"

"KYAAAAAAAH!!!"

Zenith fainted on the spot.

"...?"

Leon tilted his head.

Some time later.

When Zenith came to again, she was informed that her father had assigned Leon as her temporary private tutor.

"Hey, sis-in-law."

"Y-y-y-y-yes???"

Zenith, kneeling on the bed, jerked her head up.

"...You don't have to shake that hard, you know?"

Shameless bastard. Did he seriously think he could beat someone half to death and then tell them to calm down. On her end, just the sight of him standing there quietly was enough to send yesterday clawing back up through her head.

"...Did I go a little too hard?"

Leon scratched his head as he muttered it. On any other day she would have snapped back immediately, asking what that was supposed to mean. Right now her mouth would not open.

"Hmm..."

Leon gave her a look, then slowly started walking closer.

"E-eeeek...!"

Zenith flinched backward on reflex and squeezed her eyes shut.

The wooden club. That laugh, like he was having the time of his life. The beating that went for her ribs if she guarded her head, and her thighs if she guarded her ribs. It was already over, but her body refused to accept that.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry...! I was wrong, so please don't hit me...!"

A light tap.

"...?"

The pain she had been bracing for never came. Zenith kept her eyes shut for a while, then carefully cracked one open. A small white feather was pinched between Leon's fingers.

"Ah? There was a feather in your hair, so I pulled it off. Don't get the wrong idea."

"……"

Zenith's face went hot in an instant.

Kh... damn it...

A Grand Magus, shutting her eyes and begging for her life the second a hand came up. She wanted to die of embarrassment. Zenith stared helplessly at the floor, her whole body trembling. Then Leon moved his hand and her shoulder jumped again.

"Damn it... damn it..."

Leon watched her like that for a moment, then finally turned his head.

"...Father-in-law. Are you sure handing this one off to me was the right call?"

Honestly, Zenith was thinking the exact same thing.