Chapter 2: Waaah

I was three days old. I had never killed a human, and I had no intention of starting — humans were scary.

What I could do was bully them. A very tiny bit. To be precise, I could make the vending machine dispense a different drink than the one a human pressed.

Press for cola, get a sports drink. Press for coffee, get cola. Press for a sports drink, get sweet rice punch. And on a lucky day, once in a while, I could even make it give nothing at all.

Oh, and I ate the money, too. Not very much of it yet. That was the entire extent of my power.

Still, an anomaly was an anomaly. Today, as always, I sat hunched inside my vending machine and opened up the Anomaly Minor Gallery.

The Large Anomaly's post was on the frontpage yet again. I was jealous. I had never once made the frontpage myself.

On my first day I had posted a ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠domain verification thread, and all I'd gotten back was abuse calling me a bitic. Which wasn't even fair — it wasn't a flex at all. My domain was a single vending machine in the corner of an underground parking garage.

So I wrote a new post.

My upvote count had gone up by one. I felt good.

I peered outside the vending machine. One in the morning. The parking garage was quiet.

Only two humans had come down so far today. The first had pressed for water, and I'd given him barley tea; he'd glanced at the machine for a second, then just taken it and gone. Failure.

The second had pressed for canned coffee, and I'd given him soy milk. He'd taken that one too, no complaints. Humans were a lot more careless than I'd expected.

I wilted. At this rate, when was I ever going to get to eat fear?

Then I heard footsteps.

Plod. Plod. Plod.

A human was coming down into the garage. A man in a black padded coat.

He stopped in front of the machine. I held my breath. Finally.

He rummaged in his pockets. One five-hundred-won coin. A few smaller ones. He fed them all in.

Ding.

I tensed up. The man's finger moved.

Good. Just like I'd practiced. Instead of Morning Sunshine—

Strawberry milk.

Clunk.

The man flipped open the little door and pulled out the strawberry milk.

"..."

He stared. At the machine. Then back at the strawberry milk. This was it — he was getting angry. Definitely angry. Kukuku.

The man spoke. "What the fuck is this."

I rejoiced. A success.

He fed in more coins. Morning Sunshine again. This time I sent down a lemon-lime soda. Clunk.

"..." The man pulled out the soda and set it beside the strawberry milk, then fed in more coins. Third attempt.

I deliberated. What would make him the angriest? I peeked at the gallery for a moment.

Oh. Right, that. I gathered my focus, praying it would work. Success!

This time, nothing came out. Silence.

The man opened the flap. Nothing there.

"..."

Here it comes. I clenched my fists on the inside.

The man cranked the coin-return lever. Click. I didn't give the money back, either.

"Hey."

Hm?

Click.

"Money."

Click-click.

"Hand it over."

Click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click.

I stayed perfectly still. Was this fear? I couldn't quite tell yet. But the human's face was crumpling up more and more, so I figured I was doing well.

I flickered my light for good measure. Flick. Flick. Flick.

The man looked up at the machine. "It's you, isn't it?"

"..." What is?

"You've been the one doing this the whole time, haven't you?"

I kept quiet. The man smacked the side of the machine. BAM!

I flinched. It rang out way louder than I'd expected.

I opened the gallery again.

Got it.

The man slid in a thousand-won bill. I ate it. Gave back nothing. Click. Click-click.

"Ha."

The man dropped his head. This was it. Now, the fear—

"Alright."

Huh?

The man gripped both sides of the machine, one hand on each. Why? He shook it. CLUNK!

"Aaaaah!"

I tumbled around inside. The coins came pouring out. Clink-clink-clink.

"Hey!"

CLUNK!

"Stop it!" I screamed. The man's hands froze.

"..." Oh. I wasn't supposed to talk.

The man stared dead at the machine. "Did you just talk?"

I covered my mouth.

The man bent down and peered into the slot where the drinks came out. "Hey."

I hid.

"You in there?"

Not me. No sir, not me.

The man stuck his hand in.

"Aaaaah!" I scrambled for the corner. His hand reached in deeper than I'd thought possible.

"Where are you."

This human was insane.

I opened the gallery.

A finger brushed right past me. I let out a scream. "Waah!"

The hand stopped.

"..."

Why had I squeaked that?

Outside went quiet. The man said, "The hell."

I stayed quiet too.

"You a kid?"

No. I was an anomaly. A terrifying anomaly. I dug up the lowest, scariest voice I could manage.

"K-Kukuku..."

The man replied. "What a load of shit."

The hand came in again. "Aaaaah!" I ran, got cornered at the very back — nowhere left to go.

The man's fingers closed around my body. "Gotcha."

"Unhand me, human!"

"The hell is this thing."

I was dragged out. For the first time since I'd been born, I was outside the vending machine — sitting on the man's palm. My body was a little smaller than a fist: a black blob with two eyes. No arms. No legs, either.

The man studied me for a long moment. "...Fuck, you're tiny."

"I am an anomaly!"

"Sure."

"A terrifying existence!"

The man gave my body a single squeeze. Squish.

"Waah!"

"..."

He squeezed again. Squish.

"Waah!"

"Hey."

"What!"

"Is that seriously all you can do?"

I shut my mouth.

"My money."

"..."

"Give it back."

"Don't have it. It's mine now."

The hand holding me tightened.

"Waaaaaaaaah!"

"Give it back."

"Okay! Okay!"

I spat the money out. Clink — one hundred won. Clink — one hundred won. Clink — five hundred won. Whirr — one thousand won.

The man counted the money scattered on the floor.

"I put in two thousand five hundred won."

"..."

"You're eight hundred short."

"I'm gonna buy nummies with it."

"Buy what, you little shit."

"Juice..."

"With my money?"

I didn't answer.

The man peered inside the machine. In the far corner sat my precious hoard — the orange juice and grape juice I'd been saving. His gaze drifted toward them. Ominous.

The man squeezed me again. "Waah!"

"Give them up."

"No!"

A brief silence. Then the man pulled out the orange juice.

"Hey!"

He looked at me. "Then I'm taking this."

"That's my nummies?!"

The man pulled out the grape juice too.

"Hey! That's my nummies too!"

"And what about my eight hundred won?"

"..." I had nothing to say to that. Still, taking both felt a bit excessive, didn't it?

"Just take one!"

"No."

"Why not!"

"Because you pissed me off."

The man shoved me back inside the vending machine. Plop. I rolled across the floor and scurried into the corner.

He rapped on the machine once. Thud.

"Don't eat my money again."

"..."

"Answer me."

"Okay."

"Louder."

"Okay!"

Clunk! I heard the sound and sneaked a peek — a grape juice had dropped into the slot. I snatched it up and hugged it tight.

The man disappeared with three drinks in hand. His footsteps faded into the distance.

I stayed still for a long, long time.

I had learned something today. Scaring humans was harder than it looked.

And having my nummies stolen from me was so fucking sad.

I opened the gallery. My post from earlier had over a hundred comments now, and a little star sat beside its title.

One new comment.

I looked at the screen. Thought about it for a moment. Then I left a reply.