The First Thing I Ever Wanted to Do
Once I had poured out every last feeling I'd been holding in, the clock already pointed deep into the night.
Three thirty in the morning.
It was the hour ordinary people would be lost in heavy sleep… but my sleep schedule had been wrecked for a long time now. I'd blacked out and come to again, and my mind was uselessly wide awake — there was no way I was getting any rest.
So I sat back down at the computer.
Three thirty a.m. was morning in our gallery, after all.
"Feeling a little better?"
"Haa… yeah."
If I had to put my current state into words… clear skies after the rain, maybe?
The breath I drew after crying my heart out was genuinely refreshing. It felt like the storm clouds crushing my chest had finally scattered, like the fog that had dyed my thoughts black had lifted. Under a blue sky I hadn't seen in ages, warm sunlight seemed to fall straight across my heart. That clean scent that lingers after rain still clung to the air, and for some reason I felt good.
Good enough that, right now, I could shake off the ache inside me and smile.
"Thank you, Maria. Really, truly."
"For not giving up on me, for not walking away, for staying by my side until the end… thank you so much…"
"Don't. As your attending physician, it's the least I should do."
Even as she said it, the pride on Maria's face was impossible to miss. She was so bad at hiding how she felt that I couldn't help laughing under my breath.
"Haa… I honestly feel lighter than I have in forever."
I knew the feeling wouldn't last. The scars left by seven years of the Siberia War didn't fade that easily. That was exactly why I wanted to hold on to this moment as hard as I could.
It would've been such a waste to keep a feeling like this all to myself.
"Heh…"
It was the first thrill I'd felt in so long — a taste of what it had been like when my sister was still alive — and the excitement made it impossible to sit still. My leg bounced the whole time the computer was booting, until I finally gave up, stood, and headed for the fridge to get some water.
"…Ah."
Only then did a thought surface.
Come to think of it… how had Maria even found me?
"M-Maria…?"
"Hm?"
The more I turned it over, the stranger it got. My computer didn't have any real streaming gear attached. Computing power in the 2050s was so good you could stream just fine without dedicated hardware. I hadn't been blasting the stream loud enough for the neighbors to hear, either — I hated being disturbed, so I'd installed basic soundproofing when I moved in. And my stream wasn't even big. It was a little broadcast meant only for the Swordsmanship Gallery, averaging around a hundred viewers…
So how had Maria known what happened today?
And… why had she shown me the Swordsmanship Gallery screen without a second's hesitation?
"Uh…"
A uneasy feeling prickled through me. A vague dread that Maria might also be on the Swordsmanship Gallery.
Unfortunately, a Sword Saint's instincts were never something to take lightly. Seven years of being ground down on the battlefield had sharpened them until they brushed the edge of foresight.
"Do you… use the Swordsmanship Gallery?"
"Yeah."
"…What?"
In an instant, everything I'd done flashed past my eyes like a panorama.
The stream I'd started because I wanted to win the Guild Cup. The confession I'd made on it — that I liked all of them. The furry images and bait posts I dumped on the gallery day after day. The bizarre gallery festivals and pointless Guild Cups. The conspiracy theories I'd written just to troll the users…
"Uh… eh…?"
The panorama refused to end. Half a year of eating, sleeping, and doing nothing but gallery-posting left a karmic weight that was anything but light.
"Heh. Our Haneul… has some pretty unique tastes, huh?"
"Ah…"
The world that had felt so clear a moment ago seemed to lose all its light. I'd frozen halfway to the fridge, body locked in place.
I was about to pitch face-first onto the floor when a sweet fruit scent wrapped around me and Maria pulled me into a tight hug from behind.
"It's okay. Unnie can understand all of that."
"Aaaah…!"
I wanted to die of embarrassment.
I really did.
"…So you were watching the stream too, Maria?"
Only after I'd calmed down a little could I keep talking. Once the mortification faded even a bit, I realized this wasn't necessarily a bad thing.
Honestly, I'd been stewing over how to even explain any of this to her. Internet streaming and galleries were kind of embarrassing to describe out of nowhere. Introducing myself with a straight face as the Ju-ttak of the Swordsmanship Gallery wasn't exactly something you did in polite company — this corner of the internet was a little too much of a dark alley for that.
"Yeah. I like swordsmanship too, so I drifted in on my own… but the second I saw your first stream, I knew it was you."
"I… didn't change my voice."
"Lucky for me. That's how I could keep tabs on how you were doing from the outside."
Maria said it as she settled on the edge of the seat beside me. The computer, which had finished booting at some point, was already prepping for a stream.
"Do you still want to stream?"
"Yes."
"Even after what happened in that VR game?"
"…Yes. Because everyone's good people."
Honestly, part of me was still scared my trauma would flare up again. I could cut the sky itself, but I couldn't cut my memories — so if it hit me again, I'd be completely helpless. It was a sickness that wouldn't get better unless I fixed the way I thought. Too much had been lost for it to heal overnight. I'd run so hard, trying to forget the pain, that I'd ended up somewhere far too distant.
Even so, my desire to stream hadn't changed. I wanted to talk to the people who had gone out of their way to help me. I wanted to give a smile to the people who liked me.
"It's the first thing I've ever wanted to do. You know I'm not so weak that something like this would break me."
"Pfft. Fair enough."
Anyone who would fold over something this small was already buried deep in the Siberian plains. I wasn't weak enough to abandon the people who cared about me.
I'd scale back the VR games, stick more to multiplayer instead of PvE titles like Front Line — whatever it took, I intended to keep streaming.
"Alright. I've heard your resolve, so…"
"Ah?"
Maria's hand settled over mine where it rested on the desk. Before I could even protest, the cross hanging at her throat began to glow.
It was a light that made me think of a warm spring sun. Soft, pleasant, a heat that gently warmed the body.
A gentle, sun-warmed light settles over body and spirit.
Soft heat blooms through the chest, steadying the heart for what comes next.
"W-wait a second!"
"Don't refuse. This is… a kind of bribe."
I tried to push her away, but she only clung tighter, and I had to give up. Maria leaned in until our breaths nearly touched, flashed a grin, and whispered.
"I put a blessing on you. From now on, every time you stream, I'll keep casting them… so you're going to stream hard for me, right?"
"…Yes."
In the end, all I could do was nod.
"And give me the Swordsmanship Gallery Par-ttak seat and the stream manager position."
"Huh…?"
"If anyone says something weird to you, I'll cut them. Looking after your mental health is part of a physician's duty too, you know?"
"Uh…"
I'd been about to argue, but once I heard her out, it didn't sound that strange. There was no way I could manage the chat while I was actually playing. No matter how ridiculous my physical specs were, a human body only came with one of itself.
"Mm. Alright."
Only after I'd finally accepted it did the stream go live. Opening the viewer list on the pitch-black standby screen, I asked,
"Maria, what's your nickname?"
"My gallery IP is 223.50. Pazijik account is SwordSaintFanNo1."
"…What?"
As I've said more than once, I have a good memory. And in that memory, 223.50 was… one of the people who left a comment on the notice right before my first stream.
There was no way I could forget. That notice had announced the start of my first broadcast.
Which meant that comment had definitely been…
"…I didn't expect you were the type who walks around with pictures like that."
"Ahaha… the world is full of images that should never have existed, but once you know one of them does, you can't keep it to yourself, can you?"
The Maria who had looked so cool until a second ago was starting to look like a complete weirdo, and I was pretty sure that wasn't a hallucination. Back when she served with the Far East Forces, she'd been the kind of impressive person who got along with everyone. Had the gallery ruined her? Or had she always been like this?
Now that I knew the truth, the fact that I was the Swordsmanship Gallery Ju-ttak didn't feel embarrassing anymore. If anything, Maria was worse — or at least no better — and I'd found that out the hard way.
…Honestly, I was relieved. Sharing the same hobby was something to be grateful for, too.
But this wasn't the time to show it, so I deliberately puffed out one cheek and shot her a sharp look.
"Ugh, don't look at me like that. SexBurgers are a matter of national security."
"…Yes, Maria."
I muttered it as I scooted a little to the side, and Maria, thoroughly shocked, slumped into gloom all by herself. She looked so pathetic I almost felt sorry — but there was nothing for it. She was a vicious pre-criminal who had planned to terrorize my precious gallery. Far East Forces doctrine had no such thing as negotiating with terrorists.
Only after Maria went back next door could I finally start the stream for real.
Stream Title: This Body Has Returned
I drew one deep breath, settled the flutter in my chest, and went live.