Chapter 33
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Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 33
Chapter Title: A Major Resolve
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Carrying shopping bags stuffed full in both hands all the way back to my place was pretty tough.
It wasn't the weight that was the problem.
Walking without the paper bags constantly bumping into my thighs was a real ordeal.
At least I'd managed to snag a seat on the subway.
But trudging home in the same awkward stance had left my finger joints aching.
As I passed the mailboxes on the first floor, I noticed something different from usual.
One of the slots, which was normally empty, had mail stuffed inside.
My unit number, even.
'What's this...?'
I pulled out the mail, tossed it roughly on top of the shopping bags, and headed inside, figuring I'd check it once I got home.
Once inside, I properly examined it and saw it was mail related to my Resident Registration Card.
It had finally been issued.
"Finally...!"
Now I could prove who I was and even drink alcohol.
I hurriedly tore open the envelope and pulled out the new card, holding it in my hand.
Before sorting the stuff from the shopping bags, I just sat there staring at the card for a moment.
"Hehe..."
Now the photo on my Resident Registration Card showed a woman.
In the picture, I had a slightly awkward expression as I looked straight ahead.
Truth be told, even though I'd gotten a new one, not much had changed.
I'd decided to keep my name the same; only the last digits of the registration number and the photo were different.
Oh, and the issue date had changed too. Not that it mattered much.
This was me, officially recognized by society now.
I'd been excited for a second, but staring at the card made me feel strange.
Sentimental time over—I had things to do first.
I shoved it into my wallet and started pulling out the clothes and underwear from the bags, organizing them in the closet.
The new clothes were different from the start in saturation compared to what I'd used to wear.
Clothes with such bright colors between black and white?
Once I finished organizing, I decided to shower before flopping onto the bed.
I couldn't just crash on the bed after being out, covered in the day's grime.
While showering, I glanced at the mirror.
Sure enough, it reflected the same face as the woman on my Resident Registration Card.
After washing up and drying my hair, I lay on the bed and reached for my wallet again.
I pulled out the card, pinched it between my fingers, and held it up toward the ceiling.
Tilting it caught the fluorescent light, making it sparkle.
Sparkle, sparkle.
Today, I'd bought women's clothes.
The outfits now hanging in my closed closet came to mind.
Clothes Sia had picked out herself.
My input hadn't gone into them at all, but they were okay enough.
I felt like the man I'd been was gradually fading away.
My emotions weren't sorting themselves out properly.
What was this feeling?
I rolled around on the bed aimlessly, then tucked the card away and picked up my smartphone.
[Mom.]
[What's up? You messaged first.]
[Just letting you know my Resident Registration Card came.]
[You doing okay?]
[Yeah.]
[Got it. Call if anything comes up. Love you, Eun-hae.]
[Love you too.]
"......"
Mom had stopped using the word "son" in her texts at some point.
Maybe she was being considerate of me.
Or maybe she'd accepted I wasn't her son anymore.
...Who knows.
I checked my brother's messages, but he still hadn't read the last one I'd sent.
As I went to turn off the screen, a text from Sia came in.
It was a list of cosmetics she recommended buying.
[Buy these. Don't forget daily care!!!]
[Got it.]
...Self-satisfaction, as Sia said.
I placed an order based on her list right away.
Should arrive tomorrow.
I turned off the screen and set the phone down beside the bed.
The room fell quiet.
'What now...'
Siwoo wasn't logging into Deco much lately, and there wasn't much else to do.
Too early to sleep, but I couldn't just stare at my phone forever.
Lately, days like this had been piling up.
'What is this... Am I depressed or something?'
I had no clue what to do.
I spaced out staring at the ceiling for a while until I thought moving around with anything would help.
'...To refresh, gotta clean the place up.'
I'd decided, but my body wouldn't budge.
I just rolled around on the bed pointlessly.
Roll, roll.
It was seriously hard to get up.
I kept rolling on the bed.
'Getting up. For real this time.'
I steeled myself and finally stood.
Popping up quickly to shake off the hesitation left my vision white and me dizzy.
"Ugh..."
As they say, starting is half the battle—standing up meant half the cleaning was done.
I grabbed the wet wipes from the desk, pulling out several generously.
I skipped spots too high to reach easily.
I wasn't bursting with enough motivation to move the chair around and scrub every corner.
My goal wasn't a deep clean; it was just a simple mood changer.
If wiping things down shifted my mood, mission accomplished.
And I'd get that sense of accomplishment from having done something.
After wiping everywhere I could, I wondered if there was anything to organize and opened a drawer.
I hadn't opened it recently.
I hadn't even checked it for bandages before.
What was in here again?
"......!"
The moment I recognized what came into view, I slammed the drawer shut reflexively.
I could feel tension in my gripping hand, making it tremble slightly.
I clutched my head.
The sudden rush made me dizzy.
I'd forgotten about it since I hadn't used it in so long.
This thing was one of the bucket list items I'd bought alone when I first started living solo, something I wanted to try.
A silicone masturbation toy.
Oddly, just thinking the word made my face heat up.
I stood blankly in front of the drawer, then grabbed the handle again.
Why had I slammed it shut?
There was no reason to.
Maybe because it had been so long since I'd used it.
I carefully opened the drawer again and took out the silicone lump inside.
Holding it in my hand, the body flopped limply.
Pressing it gave a soft, squishy feel that slowly bounced back—nice.
Like fiddling with a stress ball.
I hesitated briefly, then slid a finger inside in place of what wasn't there anymore.
No real reason, just curiosity.
It had been ages, but the familiar softness enveloped my finger.
The silicone gripped it, the sensation pressing into each knuckle, sticking tackily to my skin and not letting go.
Forcing it back and forth a few times felt weird, so I stopped quick.
'It's because of what the doctor said...'
Pulling my finger out made a 'pop' sound.
Anyway, I couldn't use this anymore, so it had to go too.
I tossed the silicone lump into the trash.
Now I opened the closet.
It was stuffed with clothes I'd worn before.
Only black, white, and gray—drab as hell—but one stood out with its mismatched color.
The outfit Sia picked was too bright to fit.
Come to think of it, I couldn't wear these anymore anyway, so did I even need them?
For some reason, though, I wanted to try them on before tossing.
I pulled out a big black hoodie and comfy training pants from the far left.
Designs similar to what I used to wear, but the size was way off.
As expected, my hands and feet were completely buried in the sleeves. Zero functionality as clothes.
'Yeah, gotta ditch them...'
I'd planned to pull out all my old clothes, stuff them in a big bag, and throw them out.
But the bag got too heavy for me to carry at once.
So I split them into smaller bags and made three trips.
I wasn't one to buy tons of clothes, but the pile was still decent-sized.
After dumping all the clothes, I looked at the closet again.
It felt empty now.
Especially the bottom—clothes used to hang all the way down there.
It looked shorter.
Now the closet held just a few hoodies and training sets I'd bought myself, plus the one set from Sia.
I didn't go out every day anyway, so this should be plenty.
And with that, the room cleaning was done. Not as much trash as I'd thought.
Just the unwearable clothes and the silicone thing.
With the simple cleanup over, one worry bubbled up.
Money.
My phone screen was cracked, sure, but there was another reason too.
'Gotta start paying Siwoo back soon...'
Honestly, with the monthly stipend from the government, I could live cleanly without overspending just fine on my own.
It was exactly enough for one person.
If I budgeted my monthly living expenses tightly, I could probably pay Siwoo back right away.
Cut out snacking from the convenience store, skip deliveries, and it'd go faster than I thought.
...But shouldn't I get a job and pay it off properly?
Siwoo said to take it slow, but that didn't mean drag it out forever.
He'd just started his job.
No matter how close friends are, handing over a million won fresh out of school would've given him pause.
He was probably saying that to not burden me.
I made a decision.
A really big one.
Couldn't I change a little too?
I'd never done it before in my life.
'...Maybe look for a part-time gig.'
Ah, too late now—sleep and start tomorrow.
Might just be late-night sentimentality.
But tomorrow, for real...