The Dryad's Branch (1)
The Carrot Market. What the hell is a carrot? It's a carrot, obviously. Even though it's been almost seven years since I got isekai'd into this world, I had no idea an app like this existed. Just how far is the author willing to twist copyright laws, anyway?
"Do you like me? Carrot! Do you love me? Carrot!"
I sang the carrot song out of sheer disbelief, and Eris asked me if I was some kind of boomer. The two facts that the carrot song existed in this world and that it was considered ancient were what truly tormented me.
But in the original reality, this market app was for secondhand trading, right? Why the hell does it handle every kind of item here, not just used goods?
"Drake's blood... Drake's meat... Baby dragon formula..."
This feels like it's stepping on a lot of copyright landmines. But it's not like I created this world, and no one's probably even reading about it, so whatever.
What I needed was a hundred-year-old dryad's branch and a goblin shaman's skull. Since Yu Jin-ri said the goblin shaman's skull was the biggest problem, I decided to search for that first.
Search Results: 0
I searched for "goblin shaman" and got zero results. Why is something with such a trashy name so rare? For now, I'd better leave a buy request on the purchasing board so I can snag one if someone posts it.
"Buying goblin shaman skull. Best offer first."
That should do it, right?
Next up was the dryad's branch. I wasn't sure what keywords to use, so I started by searching for "tree branch." A bunch of results popped up.
What the fuck is a World Tree branch? I'm surprised a World Tree even exists here, but is it really okay to just snap off its branches? It reminds me of that one novel where someone does something they really shouldn't to a World Tree. Since it's not suitable for minors, I'll stop that train of thought right there.
"I should just search for 'dryad's branch.'"
According to Yu Jin-ri, it only becomes useful after soaking up a hundred years of age. Maybe that's why—no results came up for dryad branches under a century old.
"But all of these just look like regular branches."
They were only a bit thicker and longer than normal, but there was no way to tell them apart from ordinary twigs. A hundred percent of these were probably scams passing off normal branches as the real deal.
"Is there any way to verify if it's genuine?"
The internet can't be trusted. If scammers collude and manipulate listings, you might end up buying a fake thinking it's real. So I called Yu Jin-ri, who had already gone home.
"Yu Jin-ri, is there a way to tell if a dryad's branch is real or fake?"
"Yes, there is."
"What is it?"
"If looking at it makes you feel sexually aroused, then it's a real dryad's branch."
"Stop bullshitting me and tell me the truth."
"It's true! Dryads are monsters that seduce their prey with an enchanting aura and then devour them."
I told her not to lie and searched it on the internet. Sure enough, the results matched what she said. The internet can't be trusted, but combined with her words, it became impossible to deny.
"And in the related searches, there's stuff like 'how to have relations with a dryad'... I don't think that 'relations' means what I think it means, right?"
"For someone with as much sexual curiosity as me, isn't it possible?"
"You need to dial back that curiosity, you damn pervert."
"Hehe, you'd better be careful too, Hyun-woo. If you get too obsessed with a dryad's branch, you'll end up getting sexually aroused by the branch itself and won't be able to hold back."
"Then how did you handle it during your experiments? You didn't get aroused by a branch, did you?"
"......I'm hanging up."
"Hey, wait a second."
I told her to stop, but Yu Jin-ri ended the call anyway. What the hell did she do with a branch? It was my fault for asking when I already knew the answer, so I'd better drop it. She probably just hugged it like a dutch wife and slept with it or something. Whatever.
"So in the end, the only way to check if it's real is to see it in person."
Wait, there was one problem. I basically considered relationships without love meaningless, so I had almost no sex drive. Could a dryad's branch even charm someone like me?
"They say seeing is believing, so let's take a look."
I picked a random seller and sent them a message. I asked if I could check whether their dryad's branch was genuine. But the reply that came back immediately was weird.
What the fuck? Is this a random chat now? Why are they asking about gender?
I didn't understand, but I told them I was a man. The response was ridiculous.
What the hell would you do by only selling to women, you bastard?
For a moment I was speechless, but this actually raised the chances that the seller had the real thing. Why? Because the seller was clearly a pervert, and showing a dryad's branch to a woman could satisfy the curiosity of someone like Yu Jin-ri.
That said, I couldn't send Eris, Siz, or Yu Jin-ri to buy it. I couldn't send my precious family to this shady bastard. Who knows what else they might lose if they went to make the purchase.
Alternatively, I could find out the seller's location and go myself, but that would damage the organization's image. The reason gangsters are careful with their behavior even when they won't get punished by law is all about image. Since we're just starting to rebuild, I can't afford to tarnish our reputation.
So this seller was a no-go.
"Then let's try another seller..."
The other sellers didn't ask weird pervert questions like whether I was a man or woman. They let me meet up right away to inspect the branch. But far from feeling sexually aroused, they all just looked like ordinary twigs. According to the theory, they weren't real, so I shouldn't buy them. Of course, the sellers insisted until the end that they were genuine before leaving.
Because of that, it took up a ridiculous amount of time. Look at that—the sun's already setting. Should I call it quits for today? I hadn't eaten anything since the soup I had for breakfast, so I was starting to feel drained. I should head back and have dinner.
Just one more person, then I'll stop. The moment I thought that and sent the question, another reply asking if I was a man or woman came back.
This is seriously pissing me off.
I got worked up and ended up venting my anger. But who could blame me for getting mad at a pervert? It was worth getting angry about.
But the reply that came back was strange.
What? This one was an even weirder pervert.
The seller immediately suggested we meet and sent their location. But why was it a dark back alley? It really didn't feel right.
Still, I wasn't worried. I was the guy who had single-handedly destroyed the Banana Men. As long as it wasn't one of the Three Major Organizations, I could win against anyone. If it was one of the Three Major Organizations, though, that would be a bit troublesome.
I went to the marked location. It was an extremely narrow, gloomy, and ominous back alley. The moment I stepped into it—
"Meow meow meow~"
Why? Why the hell?
Fuck.
"A doggy boss hiding in a back alley to mark his territory! I've caught you red-handed, nyang! Passing-by Mohanya will not forgive you, nyang!"
"Wait, you were the seller?"
This was ridiculous. No wonder things were going so smoothly.
"Not me, nyang? What seller are you talking about, nyang?"
Not you? What the hell is she talking about? Then where is the seller?
Right then, a notification popped up on my phone. When I tapped it, there was a message from the seller.
If the seller keeps changing locations and can't stay in one spot, calculate the probability that Mohanya will appear going "meow meow meow" at the next spot. (100 points)
"Ha, so this means the location's just going to keep changing, huh."
If the seller was going to keep moving around anyway, there was no problem with hanging out with Mohanya for a bit. Of course, even if I didn't want to hang out, Mohanya would probably force me to.
"So? What are you going to teach me today?"
"Meow meow meow! We haven't seen each other in so long and that's all you have to say, nyang? Can't we spend some quality time together chatting about this and that?"
Mohanya snuggled into my arms. Then she started drawing circles on my stomach with her gloved index finger, trying to seduce me. But a psycho with ten thousand combat power doing that is just scary, you know? Just because someone has a pretty face doesn't mean everything about them is good.
"We're not in that kind of relationship. Besides, it's not like we haven't seen each other in a while. We met just last night."
"Since a new sun has risen, that counts as a long time, nyang."
"Enough. Just tell me what you're going to teach me."
"Sniffle sniffle, nyang. Mohanya is sad, nyang. Doggy boss is treating Mohanya like nothing but a tool for learning, nyang. After teaching him, he'll throw me away like gum that's lost its flavor, nyang! Poor Mohanya..."
This crazy bitch is for real.
"Then what do you want me to do? What would you like me to do for you? I don't have time to joke around like this, you know?"
My stomach was growling, the sun was setting, and the seller kept changing locations. Could there be a more fucked-up situation than this?
"Meow meow meow! Did you think Mohanya was going to ask you to do something, nyang? Mohanya is like the wind, nyang. She's everywhere and nowhere, nyang. So if Mohanya asks for a kiss and you actually kiss her, that would be like kissing the empty air, nyang!"
"Did you swallow Alice in Wonderland or something? You're not Mohanya, you're the Cheshire Cat?"
She was so elusive it made me worry she might suddenly vanish like mist. I wasn't worried about Mohanya disappearing, but if she suddenly vanished like that, my heart would probably stop from the shock.
"It's a joke, nyang. If you take Mohanya's words seriously, the one who believes them is the fool, nyang."
"Well, that's because cats only say 'meow' when they're hungry. Cats are cute, but you shouldn't trust them."
"So even if Mohanya acts like she really likes doggy boss right now, you shouldn't believe it, nyang. Got it?"
"Then you really do hate me, right? Please just say yes and leave already."
"Meow meow meow~ Unfortunately, Mohanya likes doggy boss so much she's going crazy, nyang. If you want, I can show you the proof right here, nyang♥"
"I don't want to see it."
"What a cold-hearted doggy boss, nyang~ But that's exactly why Mohanya likes you, nyang."
Mohanya laughed with her usual "meow meow meow" and, without fail, handed me a gun.
"What I'm going to teach you today is how to win against an opponent with a gun, nyang."
"You already taught me that before."
"Meow meow meow! That's right, nyang. Mohanya clapped when she saw doggy boss use a person as a shield to defeat a gun, nyang."
Wait, she was watching that too? Just what the hell does this person do?
"But when there are no objects around that can be used as a shield, and when there's no space to run around and dodge... In other words, I'm going to teach you how to win in a one-on-one situation in a narrow back alley like this, nyang."
"Can you actually win?"
From what I could see, it looked absolutely impossible.
"Meow meow meow! Of course you can't win with your bare hands, nyang. You need one piece of preparation, nyang."
"What is it?"
"This, nyang!"
Mohanya pulled a kitchen knife from her inner pocket. It was honed to a frighteningly sharp edge.
"With just this, you can win against an opponent with a gun even in this kind of situation, nyang."
And I was so shocked I felt my pupils shake. Mohanya, holding the kitchen knife in her right hand, lowering her stance, and smiling leisurely. Above her head floated her combat power.
"Alright then, shall we begin the third lesson, nyang?"