The Weight of Guilt
After my mother-in-law regained consciousness and cleared up the misunderstanding...
It was never pleasant to see an elder bowing and apologizing so profusely, so I waved my hands frantically, and we somehow managed to put the matter to rest.
"Sigh... If it weren't for you... I don't even want to think about what would have happened."
The moment we returned to our bedchamber, a chill ran down my spine as I reflected on the exhausting day. Me, the Grand Duke, having an affair with my own sister-in-law... I could practically hear my reputation plummeting into the abyss.
The Empire was a deeply conservative nation. Unlike Sardenya or the Allied Kingdom, it treated adulterous men and women as outright criminals. Well... as the Grand Duke, I possessed sovereign immunity—one of the imperial privileges—so legally, I would have been fine. But my public image would have been utterly ruined.
Every nation on the continent, including the Empire, practiced strict monogamy. Sardenya and the Allied Kingdom were rare exceptions where nobles kept paramours, but even there, the Church preached that any children born of such unions could not be baptized. Furthermore, the clergy declared that even if the parents themselves were baptized, they would go straight to hell upon death. The Church went so far as to refuse funerals for anyone who kept a paramour. Because of this, kings of other nations would banish their lovers when they neared death. It was better to cast them out at the end than to suffer the ignominy of being a sovereign denied a proper funeral.
But to have an affair with one's sister-in-law in such a conservative world?
"Ugh... Just the thought of rumors spreading that my sister-in-law and I were in that kind of relationship is absolutely horrifying."
At my words, Theodora glared at me.
"Then why did you do something so easily misunderstood?"
"Well... because Joy wouldn't give me the ring."
Joy had adamantly refused to hand it over at first, but after reading the room under the watchful eyes of Theodora and the Empress Dowager, she had reluctantly surrendered it.
"Setting that aside. Don't you think you dote on Joy a bit too much?"
Seeing Theodora slightly pouting, I let out a bitter smile.
"That's because... I feel guilty."
A question mark practically hovered over Theodora's head. I decided to open up to her.
"You, your mother... and Joy. You were once a happy, harmonious family. And I ruined that."
In truth, my plan to kill Valorang and rule in the Emperor's stead... I couldn't remember exactly when, but I had conceived it in my early teens. Because of that, when I realized how close and happy the imperial family actually was, I felt incredibly guilty. I was doing all this to prevent the resurrection of the Demon King, but they didn't know that. And to bring Valorang down, I had to let him accumulate sins so that I would have a justifiable reason to destroy him.
If I had killed an innocent Valorang, would I have been able to ascend as Grand Duke? No. The Emperor, the Anti-Emperor Faction, the Emperor Faction, and even the neutrals would have branded me a patricidal monster and refused to recognize me as Grand Duke.
"But... that wasn't your fault, was it?"
Was it truly not my fault? Was there really no other way? If I had searched, perhaps I could have found one. If I had leaked evidence of Valorang's treason, the Emperor would have dealt with him personally, and I still would have become Grand Duke. But that would have been the end of it. The Anti-Emperor Faction would have been purged, and the Grand Duchy would have faced severe suppression from the central government. In other words, we would have been forced to helplessly watch as the Demon Worshippers, working to resurrect the Demon King, ran rampant across the Empire.
So... I had simply used them, whether it was the Emperor or his family. That guilt. That sin bound me and tortured me. Especially whenever I looked at Joy.
"Who knows... What if I had reported Valorang's impending rebellion to the Emperor? Perhaps none of this would have happened."
I confessed my innermost thoughts to Theodora. She flinched, her shoulders trembling slightly. In a soft, wavering voice, she said:
"It was because Valorang was watching you..."
Theodora was wrong. I had done it simply because it was the only way I could seize Roman and ascend to the pinnacle of power. Deviang, the new Grand Duke who slew the traitor Valorang. By resolving the chaotic aftermath, I could keep the Emperor close under my wing. But I couldn't tell her the truth. We had to maintain the appearance of a perfectly loving couple.
Hiding my true thoughts behind double-edged words, I said, "Whatever the case... I failed to stop Valorang's rebellion. That is why I feel so sorry to Joy, to your mother... and to you."
At my words, Theodora buried herself in my embrace.
"It's alright. You... you did your best. So... you don't have to feel so guilty."
Her comfort only weighed heavier on my heart. In the end, I could not bring myself to answer.
Several weeks passed.
"Yaaawn!"
The cold winter had completely receded, and flowers were beginning to bloom. Was it because it was already April? Perhaps the gradual warmth was to blame, but today, drowsiness washed over me with unusual intensity. I need to sign this... My eyes fluttered shut.
Creak!
"What are you doing today?"
Startled by Theodora's sudden entrance, I gasped, "Huh?"
Clatter... thud!
Something rolled off the desk. Huh? What fell? I hurriedly looked down at the floor and saw my familiar fountain pen snapped in two, black ink pooling around it.
"Ah..."
"Is something wrong?"
Before I knew it, Theodora was by my side, staring at the broken fountain pen.
"Oh? The fountain pen is ruined. Did I startle you?"
I gave a small nod. It was a fountain pen I had cherished and used for... about fifteen years? On top of that, this item was...
The fountain pen my mother had bought for me when I was first learning to write, back when she was still alive... I gazed down at it with a bitter expression.
"Oh... was it precious to you?"
"It's the fountain pen my mother bought for me when I first learned to write, back when she was alive."
I carefully picked up the pen and inspected the fracture.
"It's unusable. This..."
"I'm so sorry..."
I let out a soft chuckle. "No, it's fine. But now I don't have a fountain pen to do my work."
At my words, Theodora quickly asked, "Do you have a spare?"
I shook my head. "No, I've used this single one my entire life."
Normally, people keep a few spares in case a pen breaks or the nib gets damaged, but I've always been someone who takes meticulous care of my belongings.
"I'll have to use a quill for now. Lucius!"
When I called for Lucius, he opened the door and slumps inside. "Did you summon me, Your Grace?"
"Yes. Do we happen to have any quills in the Grand Duke's Office?"
Since fountain pens are expensive, I assumed we'd have quills as spares.
"Huh? We don't have any quills."
"What? Why not?"
He answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Everyone working in the Grand Duke's Office uses fountain pens."
A wry smile played on my lips. "Is that so? Then I'll have to go out and buy one..."
Lucius looked at the broken pen on my desk. "Oh? Did your fountain pen break? Would you like to borrow my spare?"
I nodded. "Yes, I'll have to use that for now."
Just as I was about to start working with Lucius's pen, I remembered. "Ah, by the way, Theodora. Didn't you come looking for me for something urgent earlier?"
Snapping out of her thoughts, Theodora said, "Ah... your sister's birthday and wedding are coming up soon. I wanted to ask what kind of gift would be best..."
Come to think of it, Mary's birthday was indeed coming up. We agreed she would marry Agrippa after her birthday. If I recalled correctly, her birthday was next month, and the wedding was two weeks after that. There was still plenty of time.
"But you're preparing a birthday gift already?"
She nodded as if it were only natural. "Of course. It takes a whole week to get there, doesn't it?"
Even if it took a week by ship... there was still about a month left. Is there really a need to prepare so early? As I pondered this, Theodora's eyes sparkled.
"In that case, let's go out together today. We can buy your new fountain pen and pick up a gift for my sister-in-law at the same time."
"Hmm... I have a lot to do today. How about tomorrow instead?"
Theodora readily nodded. "Alright. Don't forget tomorrow."
"Yes, don't worry."
With that, I refocused on my work.
Deviang's fountain pen. It was a gift from his mother.
Come to think of it... I recall that Deviang's mother passed away when he was very young.
Hmm... Now that I think about it, I don't know much about Deviang. In the first place, I never expected to marry him... And back then, the Grand Duchy of Francesco was famous for Valorang and Lady Mary; Deviang wasn't well-known at all. It's only natural that I didn't know.
Although he was now incredibly prominent, back then, Deviang had not stood out much. And for good reason. While his genius, intellect, and cognitive abilities were extraordinary, the Ryan family—a den of monsters—valued martial prowess above all else. It was inevitable that he remained in the shadows. Besides, he wasn't a noble of Roman whom I saw frequently...
"Hmm... I wonder if Mother knows anything?"
Come to think of it, I had heard that my father and Valorang once fought over my mother. Indeed, my mother, renowned as the greatest beauty in the Empire, had been relentlessly pursued by countless suitors. However, she had met my father in her early teens, and the two had nurtured their love together... But while they were secretly dating, Valorang had persistently pursued her, only to end up getting slapped across the face.
It was such a famous incident that I had heard about it several times whenever I visited my maternal family. The legendary tale of my mother slapping the Empire's greatest knight...
Later, after my father passed away, I happened to overhear the elders of my maternal family talking at his funeral. They whispered that my father had "warned" Valorang before marrying my mother, and that Valorang had harbored a grudge, leading to his eventual rebellion as a form of revenge...
In any case, since my mother had been a prominent figure in high society since her youth, she likely knew a great deal. Perhaps she would know something about Deviang's childhood. After all, she had been the Empress. She must have heard plenty of gossip about other nobles.
With that thought, I make my way toward my mother's bedchamber.