Chapter 29
Chapter 29
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Translator: Vine
Chapter: 29
Chapter Title: Trauma Test (2)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I feel strange.
Even though I know it's a hallucination.
My vision spins.
At some point, I find myself staring blankly up at the sky.
It's a gloomy sky.
My legs must have given out; I'm sitting on the concrete floor.
One hand is pressed against the ground.
My head is tilted back slightly, looking at the sky.
I don't remember changing positions, but it feels like I've been this way for a long time.
The Academy's technology really is something.
They said it would end if I shouted 'Stop'.
But so far, there doesn't seem to be any problem.
I turn my head to check my surroundings.
I'm inside the house.
Han Si-hoo is on the street outside.
Is it that day?
The day I decided I couldn't let Han Si-hoo into the house.
This is before my will intervened.
What could I have changed?
If Seo-ah had asked Han Si-hoo for help, would anything have been different?
Nothing would have changed.
Knock, knock.
I hear Han Si-hoo knocking on the door.
All I have to do is open the door.
I just have to tell him to come in.
Ask him to hang out.
Like the old days.
"Ah..."
I can't do that.
Look at the state of this house.
How many drugs did I use?
Empty syringes are rolling on the floor.
All the medicine vials are empty.
I remember now.
Before trying to die, I used every drug I could.
It's because I was scared.
Hanging myself with a rope is scary.
Stabbing myself with a knife is scary.
But living like this is even scarier.
I support my body by pressing one hand on the floor.
In my other hand is a small kitchen knife.
What was I planning to use this for?
Not for cooking, that's for sure.
"Yoo Seo-ah."
Han Si-hoo knocks on the door.
His voice is close.
I can feel him standing outside.
In this scene, Yoo Seo-ah's role was to coldly refuse him.
I drove Han Si-hoo away, mixing in curses.
Because he couldn't see.
He couldn't be allowed to open the door and come in.
If he did, he would find out everything.
Deep down, there was a part of me that was happy.
The feeling that Han Si-hoo hadn't forgotten me.
Right after, I reflect on what I had done.
Looking at the scattered syringes.
"Open up."
His tone is aggressive.
Was he always like this?
I have to stop Han Si-hoo from opening the door.
How?
I can't muster any strength in my body.
It feels like I don't even have the strength to speak.
What's the right choice?
It's just a hallucination anyway.
A simulation or something like that.
It's bringing up a bad memory from the past.
But a memory like this isn't a problem.
I don't even consider it that painful of a memory.
"Open the door."
If Han Si-hoo wanted to, he could break through the door.
Even by climbing over the wall.
Even by breaking down the wall.
The reason he doesn't is out of respect for Yoo Seo-ah.
A home is a sanctuary.
It's better for both of us if he doesn't come in.
"I'm coming in."
This is different from my memory.
The lines were a bit different.
Should I say something?
It's not perfectly recreating that time.
A past memory?
It's fake anyway, so does it matter?
If Han Si-hoo is determined to come in, there's no way to stop him.
*Crack.*
The door is ripped right off its hinges.
Right, this is how it is.
I can't stop him.
"Just as I expected."
Han Si-hoo said, standing there with a sword in hand.
This has derailed from my memory.
I've never seen a scene like this.
He's hostile.
This is the first time I've realized he could look at Yoo Seo-ah like that.
It's just a hallucination, but it's quite threatening.
"Couldn't even die properly, huh."
Han Si-hoo walks through the yard and picks up a rope.
The clumsily tied knot is familiar.
"Are you planning to just prolong your life, living like a parasite?"
He says, tossing the rope lightly.
It's a line Han Si-hoo would never say.
"It's better for everyone. Dying here is more efficient. It's a shame, but..."
Because it's not the real Han Si-hoo.
But it feels familiar somehow.
I've had a similar feeling somewhere before.
"Are there any problems?"
Han Si-hoo mutters to himself.
"...The doctor? The Academy can handle it anyway. And since most of the key figures don't even know Yoo Seo-ah exists..."
He's contemplating something.
He looks like someone I've seen before.
"Still, I can't kill you with my own hands."
Han Si-hoo approaches Yoo Seo-ah.
He's smiling slightly.
A look that says everything is going according to plan.
It's clearly not the Han Si-hoo I know.
But I don't know why I have such a strong sense of déjà vu.
That particular way of thinking is familiar.
The lines are familiar.
"There's this thing called Karma here. Some call it 'deeds,' but as long as I don't kill you with my own hands, it should be fine."
He has no intention of dirtying his own hands.
But he wants Yoo Seo-ah to die.
"It would have been easier if you had just died from a drug overdose. Are there any more drugs left?"
He kicks a syringe rolling on the ground.
"It'll be a pain if someone comes looking and asks questions. The surest way was for you to die on your own."
I'm starting to get a sense of who this is.
It's not Han Si-hoo, but the protagonist.
What I always thought.
I want to be the protagonist.
So, what would the protagonist have done?
If I had been in Han Si-hoo's shoes.
I can't rule out the possibility that I would have done the same.
Efficiently, for the sake of success, eliminating all obstacles.
"Don't look at me like that. You think this is for the best too, don't you?"
I stagger to my feet.
The kitchen knife is still in my hand.
"Are you thinking of attacking? Me?"
Han Si-hoo says with a laugh.
"Without me, you don't exist. The world would be destroyed too. Probably?"
That appearance is just like...
How should I put it.
"Let's be efficient."
He snaps his fingers.
Sparks fly.
"I'd like to just burn this whole area down, but that Karma thing is a pretty annoying system. If I do whatever I want, it'll cause problems with recruiting characters later. Like the Saintess."
This is outside knowledge.
Something Han Si-hoo from inside the novel could never know.
At the very least, it's certain he wouldn't know at this point in time.
Unless he's from outside the novel, like me.
"I know. You weren't planning on attacking me."
It's a hallucination.
A trauma test.
If this hallucination is being created based on me, then the Han Si-hoo over there is probably a being created based on me too.
It's me.
Isn't it showing me what I would have done if I had lived as Han Si-hoo?
Extreme efficiency.
The thought that Yoo Seo-ah should naturally consider herself an obstacle.
That one shouldn't hold the protagonist back.
"...I'll just burn this house down. It'll be good practice for handling [Flame]."
There's no way Han Si-hoo has a flame skill.
He must have gotten it through some shortcut.
The story can't possibly go this way.
The Han Si-hoo in the hallucination is more like a protagonist than I am now.
He seems to know more than I do.
A protagonist who runs on the extreme efficiency I desire.
"Like this."
*Snap.*
With the snap of his fingers, flames shoot up.
There are several precious things inside the house.
I've disposed of most of them, but a few things I haven't cleared out yet are in the drawer.
I can't let them burn like this.
Stop.
They said the test would stop if I said 'Stop'.
Stop.
The word won't come out.
No matter what, this isn't right.
"This is what's great about the slums. No one cares even if it all goes to hell."
Han Si-hoo says cheerfully.
"It's going to rain in a bit anyway. So you won't have to worry about catching a cold."
That's right.
Rain will soon fall from this gloomy sky.
But things are very different now.
The situation is very different.
"...I'm not doing this out of any personal grudge."
Han Si-hoo says, standing beside me.
"You know it too. I would have tried to save you if you were in a normal state, but... it's too late. It's not right to let useless emotions get involved. You're already too far gone."
It's too late for Yoo Seo-ah to be cured.
That's certainly true.
It just feels strange hearing it from someone else's mouth.
It's the truth.
I knew it was the truth myself.
"It's a delusion. Believing you can be cured. Look at you. You just used it to get high on pleasure. Living any longer will only be a burden to others."
I know.
I know I'm a nuisance.
"So let's end it here. It's better to look at, and it's clean. Since you can't do it, I will."
If Han Si-hoo can do it.
It'll be fine even without me.
Until now, I've only muttered to myself about being a hindrance, about being trash.
But I acted as if I deserved to live.
Because people were nice to me.
Because they hung out with me.
"You know what the right choice really is."
He says, looking at the burning house.
Leaving no trace of Yoo Seo-ah behind.
Never hindering the protagonist.
What the protagonist wants is what I want.
Because I am the protagonist.
If I were the protagonist, I would have wanted Yoo Seo-ah to disappear.
Changing my mind just because I'm in Yoo Seo-ah's position is hypocrisy.
Efficiency, a straight line towards the goal.
"Yeah. Good thinking."
Right?
This is the right choice.
Thanks to all the drugs I took, it doesn't even hurt.
I was trying to build up courage, wasn't I?
The blade touches my neck.
I'll finish it myself.
Without borrowing someone else's hand.
The way to be most helpful to Han Si-hoo.
A way I can help.
*CRASH!*
"-Stop. 8 minutes, 56 seconds."
Lee Yoo-ram stopped the test.
The surroundings returned to normal.
[2 hours, 12 minutes]
The time has been greatly reduced.
A black knife was in my hand.
"Ah..."
So this was the kind of test.
I feel my sanity returning.
I feel strange.
"Are you okay?"
I feel really strange.
I made the sword in my hand disappear.
[2 hours, 11 minutes]
That was close.
I couldn't see the time inside the hallucination.
"...Are you okay? Even though it was stopped, this is still a passing score."
But what Han Si-hoo said seems right.
"Was the test intensity too high?"
I shouldn't hold the protagonist back.
Especially since I couldn't even make myself disappear.
I should show it with actions, not just words.
But I've already held him back.
So I have to help in some way.
-*Stab.*
[11 hours, 21 minutes]
"Aha..."
I feel better.
I was thinking too negatively.
One should live positively.
"You're okay, right?"
"Yes."
Lee Yoo-ram places a file on the desk.
"Pain tolerance test... not necessary. Reaction speed, concentration... don't need those either... Monster subjugation by rank... skipped. That's all for today."
"Is that it?"
"Yep. The other classes probably still have a long way to go. There are more people, and they need the system explained."
"Ah."
The system of how the Academy operates, she means.
Since I'm in the Special Class, I guess there's no point in explaining it to me.
"You got a new dorm assignment, right? The medicine will be delivered directly there. Make sure you get it."
"Yes."
I get the medicine without it passing through Han Si-hoo's hands.
That's better.
"If you run out of medicine or if there's a problem, contact me right away. You got your device, right? Yep. That's it. If you press this button, you can make an emergency call..."
Si-hoo registered several numbers on the device for me.
Han Si-hoo.
Han Si-hoo... because of what happened earlier, it feels like a different image has been superimposed on him.
I think I understand how terrifying mental attacks can be.
Do the other students go through the same thing?
I feel a sense of respect for them.