I Became a Chair
I became the demon of terror in the dungeon city. I am a chair. Why? Because I am being used like one, so I suppose I’ve earned the right to be called a chair. No one, not even a god, may dare infringe upon my sacred right to chairhood.
“It’s so hard, nyang.”
“Sorry for being hard.”
“Shut up! You damn crowwww!!!”
“....”
The one mercilessly crushing my back with her sturdy rear and treating me like furniture is a gray cat named Sion. There are many reasons and misunderstandings behind why I, having possessed a cat tower, am now suffering a humiliation comparable to the Treaty of Shanyuan. But I have no intention of explaining them. It would take too long.
“Suddenly you choked me! Threw me to the floor! And stomped on my stomach! It was so painful and humiliating, nyang! Now just seeing a crow’s head makes rage boil up inside me, nyang!!!”
“....”
Like this. Her voice is so loud you’d think she’d swallowed a train whistle. I’m not even sure if trains exist in this world.
"...."
"...."
As Sion’s furious hissing echoed through the cavern, the adventurers who had been watching my disgrace with a mix of fear and curiosity now looked on with clear disgust. Damn it. Even with the mask on, their stares felt painfully sharp. One day I’ll teach them exactly how grave the crime of factual defamation truly is. I swore it to myself in silence.
“Sion, please calm down and stop being angry.”
Yes, just like my contractor said—calm down already, you crazy cat. Our poor Kkachi is suffering because of your rock-hard butt.
Kkyu kkyu! What? No? You’d rather she press down even harder? Kkachi, you were male all along? You uselessly adorable little brat.
Well, as Kkachi suggested, once I lay flat and let her have her way, Sion’s condition did improve a little. The problem was that I was the one who wasn’t okay.
“But! But! This insane crow’s atrocities—you saw them too, adventurer! If we let it slide so easily, more victims will appear, nyang!!!”
No. That’s a little unfair. Anyone listening would think I was the one who approached first and hit her from behind.
“You were the one who first—”
“I told you to shut your mouth, nyang! You blood-stinking damn crowwwww!!! Do you want to go to the guards, nyang!?”
Damn it. Maybe it’s because she’s a cat, but conversation just doesn’t work with her.
“...I’m going to lose it.”
At my continued replies, Sion must have flipped some kind of tantrum switch. She began bouncing wildly on my back, throwing a full-blown fit. As her rampage continued, the apologetic expression on my contractor’s face gradually hardened. Hey, stop. That way lies hell.
“Enough.”
“Nyang!”
Her pupils dilated like a rising moon, and her ears flattened like a scolded kitten. A chilling command carrying 200% ice magic aptitude froze the cat solid. So you should’ve known when to quit. Even a tantrum needs to stay just on the right side of the line.
“Honestly, doesn’t the fault lie with Sion from the very beginning?”
That’s it! Well done, contractor! Keep pressing her! Show her that justice still exists in this world!
“Nya-nyang! What are you saying, nyang! I’m the victim, nyang! I was the one who got beaten senseless by that weir— I mean, that crow, nyang!”
What? One-sided? Then what I went through—was that a complimentary sports massage? My skull still feels numb, you know.
“The person currently pinned beneath Sion is my familiar. Therefore, it is only natural for them to try to protect me, their contractor, from an unknown threat.”
My contractor began calmly beating Sion down with cold, hard facts. As her words continued, Sion’s gray tail—which had been puffed up and standing straight—gradually drooped.
“W-well, that may be true, nyang!”
“Also, judging by the white armband you’re wearing, you appear to be a guild-affiliated Sherpa. Didn’t they teach you how to properly approach an adventurer traveling with a familiar?”
Checkmate.
“N-no, that’s… ummm…. Now that I think about it, it does seem like I was in the wrong, nyang. I got too worked up and didn’t think things through, nyang…….”
In the end, the gray-haired beast declared defeat before the sword of logic, ears and tail hanging limply.
“Let’s both apologize and agree to let this matter go cleanly.”
“...Understood, nyang.”
If you understand, then get off already. My back is burning up. I’m not just toasted—I’m about to turn into charcoal.
Hnnng.
Finally freed from the long period of oppression and humiliation, I escaped the deathly corporal punishment. Ah, so this is freedom? Thank you so much, cat. Thanks to you, old memories from my military days have come flooding back.
I quietly recited half a service creed in my head while brushing the dust off my sleeves. Sion approached me cautiously. When she was on top of me she’d been full of energy and mischief, but now she looked like a completely different, timid little kitten.
Alright then. Let’s hear this cat’s apology.
—Press.
“....”
Unable to withstand my contractor’s persistent, heated gaze boring into the back of my head, I reluctantly spoke first. To think she wouldn’t even recognize a gentleman’s courtesy of yielding the first apology to a lady. How cruel.
“...I acted impulsively without considering the full situation and caused you great pain. I am truly sorry.”
There. That should be enough, right? Now I pass the turn. Apologize, cat. Show me your sincerity, quickly.
“Sor.”
Sor? Is that a name?
“S-sorry….”
Sorry? Did you eat too much Churu?
“You insane crow!!! I’m sorry, nyang!!!”
“....”
A violent apology shouted at the ground with an expression of utter resentment. It bounced off the floor and somehow reached my eardrums, but it still felt a bit lacking to call it a proper apology. However, seeing the moisture pooling in her eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment, I had no choice but to accept it. After all, image is everything for a demon (?)
—Squish!
“...?”
Apology and forgiveness. The conclusion was sealed with a suspiciously soft handshake. Maybe because she was a cat beastkin, there were pink paw pads on her palms. They were soft and springy—the sensation was actually quite nice.
Pat pat pat!
Like a cat with tape stuck to its front paws, Sion yanked her hand back in a frantic scramble, leaving tiny scratches on my chest. Then she planted both hands firmly on her hips and began her self-introduction as if she hadn’t just been crying.
“A-alright then. Let me introduce myself properly, nyang! My name is Sion! I am an official Sherpa affiliated with the Adventurers’ Guild, nyang!”
Clap. Clap. Clap.
“Wow….”
“Hmm.”
I clapped along half-heartedly to my contractor’s lifeless applause and reflected on flickering memories.
Sherpa, huh. That brings back memories.
Sherpa. A veteran player mentor program. The title was taken from a certain ethnic minority famous as Himalayan mountain guides. It referred to officially recognized server veterans who helped newbies adapt safely to the game by teaching them the system, map layouts, survival know-how, farming routes, and so on. In-game volunteer guides, basically.
Incidentally, I used to be a Sherpa too. Though I got kicked out after only a week of taking newbies on raid bosses.
Those were good times.
“My class is Pathfinder! My tier is a whopping 5-tier, nyang! Behold my greatness, nyang!”
She introduced herself with obvious pride, but both my contractor and I reacted rather lukewarmly. Path… what?
“What does a Pathfinder do?”
“Is 5-tier considered high?”
We had no idea what she was talking about, so of course we couldn’t be impressed. Bragging in front of newbies is pointless.
“Why doesn’t anyone recognize how amazing I am, nyang!”
“This is our first time in the dungeon.”
“This is my first time in this world.”
“Where the hell am I supposed to start explaining from, nyang!?”
“Everything.”
“You insane crow, everything. That’s what you’re saying, nyang.”
The main class of the guide who would safely lead us through the dungeon was Pathfinder. She went on and on with a constant stream of nya nya nya, but if I were to summarize all that cat-speak into one word, it would be ‘thief.’ The lockpicking, map-making kind of thief. The only real difference from the typical fantasy-game rogue was that society’s perception of them was surprisingly positive.
“Nya-nyang! Don’t call me a thief, nyang! I am not a criminal, nyang!”
“That aside.”
“I was just ignored, nyang!?”
“You called yourself 5-tier earlier. What exactly is a tier? Is it like an adventurer rank?”
“Ah, that’s…”
While Sion closed her eyes and swung her fists through the air making nya-nya punches to build an intimidating aura, my contractor calmly continued the explanation in her place.
“Tier refers to an adventurer’s ‘rank,’ just as Raven said, but it’s a little more accurate to call it ‘stratum.’”
Stratum? So basically like levels?
“You already know I’m a 0-tier adventurer, right, Raven?”
“I do. I heard what the guard said. Hmm. So the higher the number, the higher the rank.”
“Exactly.”
“Then is 5-tier considered high?”
“Of course, nyang! Even if you kill hundreds of monsters in the Green Zone, you’d barely reach 3-tier, nyang!”
“Sion is right.”
From the looks of it, leveling up in this world seemed incredibly difficult. A hardcore RPG? Or maybe closer to a roguelike, since there didn’t seem to be any saves.
“Still, hundreds of monsters sounds like an exaggeration to me.”
“Shut up, nyang.”
Stratum wasn’t simply accumulated experience. It was growth that occurred when a human surpassed their limits or accomplished a feat worthy of the goddess’s recognition. That was why simple repetitive hunting or training wouldn’t raise it easily.
It looked like my ‘reinforced glass plan’ would need a complete overhaul.
“Got it, nyang! At 5-tier, I’m basically a heavenly senior among adventurers, nyang!”
“So you’re not an ordinary thief.”
“That’s right, nyang! Not an ordinary thief but an amazing thi— Wait, why am I a thief again, nyang!”
Hmm. So in order to level up, you don’t just grind mobs. You have to do crazy things like achievement hunting to stimulate the goddess… That just so happens to be my specialty.
“Then, thief.”
“Do you really want to see me go insane, nyang?”
“If I, as the familiar, accomplish a great feat in the contractor’s place, will the contractor’s stratum rise?”
“Obviously, nyang. A familiar is still a being summoned by the adventurer’s own power, isn’t it, nyang?”
“Hmm… I see.”
“Oh. That makes sense, doesn’t it?”
My eyes met my contractor’s at the same time. Looked like we were thinking the same thing.
“Raven.”
“Contractor.”
Maybe clearing the dungeon wouldn’t be that hard after all?
[Error: Unable to summon the selected weapon.]
“Ah.”
“Why is it doing that again, nyang?”
“Raven? Are you okay?”
...Clearing the dungeon might not be as easy as I thought.