An Answer to the Confession (1)
-Thump. Thump. Thump.
Coming face to face with Ethan so abruptly while my heart was still in turmoil left me flustered in more ways than one.
My heart was pounding of its own accord, reacting to the sudden crisis. It seemed the racing that had begun during our battle with the Kraken at the lake still hadn't settled down.
The shock of receiving a confession, the guilt of having failed to give a proper answer, the gratitude of having my life saved—so many emotions had crashed over me all at once, and my heart was in the middle of one long, chaotic storm.
As Ethan's face drew a little closer, that hammering in my chest seemed to beat faster and heavier still.
"You seem fine on the outside, at least."
"Ah, yes… The Saintess took special care of me…."
"Thank you for looking after her, Saintess Serista."
"Oh, n-no. It was simply my duty."
"……."
"If there is anything you wished to discuss, then… ah!"
As though she'd just noticed something in Ethan's quietly searching gaze, Serista reacted at once.
Without a moment's hesitation she hurried to the door and slipped swiftly out of the infirmary.
"You—you two must have a great deal to say to each other! I'll, I'll step out for a while, so please talk comfortably!"
"W-wait just a moment, Saintess…."
"Thank you for your consideration, Saintess."
"If—if his condition should suddenly take a turn for the worse, please call for me at any time!"
-Screeeech. Click!
And with those final words, Serista was gone, shutting the door behind her and leaving only the two of us inside the infirmary.
Thanks to her noisy exit, a strangely awkward atmosphere began to settle over the small, three-mat room. With neither of us knowing how to open the conversation, it felt as if only the sound of my own heart could be heard, whispering quietly against my ears.
"……."
"……."
-Thump. Thump. Thump.
…Calm down. Get a grip.
It's a face I've seen every single day for over five years now. What could possibly seem strange about it all of a sudden?
My heart's just confusing gratitude for survival with something else—that's all. Give it a few days and this awkward feeling is bound to fade. And if it doesn't, then I'll worry about that when—
"You really are all right, aren't you?"
"Neh-what?!"
"…Lilith?"
"Ah, yes, yes! O-of course I'm perfectly fine! I've told you before, haven't I? Being healthy and robust at all times is one of my strengths!"
"That's news to me…."
"Haha, is, is that so…."
…The more I think, the more my tongue trips over itself.
To be honest, I'd never imagined I'd be facing Ethan like this so soon. I'd only come back to my senses after nearly dying yesterday evening, and these past two days I'd been far too busy agonizing over an entirely different set of problems.
While I was still racking my brain over how on earth to begin, it was Ethan who broached the subject first.
"Lilith."
"…Yes, Young Master Ethan."
"About what happened before… I'm sorry."
"…Yes, I'm grateful for what happened that day as well… yes… what?!"
The moment I heard the words "what happened before," I had naturally assumed he was expecting an expression of thanks—but what came out of Ethan's mouth was, of all things, an apology directed at me.
Unable to fathom what part of any of it he could possibly feel sorry for, I could only tilt my head.
"I'm sorry, you say? What exactly could you possibly be sorry for, Young Master Ethan?"
"I'm sorry for putting you in danger, Lilith—because I went and said something strange for no reason the other day."
"…What does what you said have to do with me ending up in danger, Young Master Ethan?"
"If I hadn't been trying to confess to you, you never would have suggested taking a boat out onto the lake with me. In the end, it was as good as me putting your life at risk."
"Wh-what are you saying, Young Master Ethan! Suggesting we go out to the lake that day was entirely my idea. It was because I—because I was needlessly worried about other people's eyes…."
"No. If it was something that important, I should have arranged a proper setting for the two of us to talk from the very start. Not blurting it out on a park bench by the lake with alcohol lending me courage."
"N-no…. That's not…."
No matter how I turned it over, what Ethan was saying was pure sophistry—logic that didn't hold together from beginning to end.
It was me who had asked to talk alone on the lake, precisely because other people's eyes were getting under my skin. It was me who had forgotten that these waters were the haunt of the Abyssal Kraken and barged in fearlessly, dragging us both into mortal peril. It was me who had abandoned the boat on the strength of a single Water Walking spell, and after we'd only just managed to slay the Kraken, nearly died anyway.
Nowhere in any of it could I find a shred of fault that belonged to Ethan. From start to finish, it was a crisis born entirely of my own mistakes.
And Ethan, rather than blaming me, had made up for every single one of those blunders—twice over he had pulled my life back from the brink in that short, brutal fight.
It had lasted only an instant, but when Ethan's blade turned aside one of the Kraken's limbs in front of me, for a heartbeat he had looked every bit the Hero.
"No, Young Master Ethan. That day's incident was a mistake caused by my own carelessness—"
"I'll ask you just one thing, Lilith. And I need you to answer this honestly."
"……Yes."
"If I hadn't tried to confess to you that day—would you still have gotten into that boat with me at the lakeside?"
"That's…."
"……."
"…No. Probably not. But that…."
"That's all I needed to hear, Lilith. That's answer enough."
……Huh?
Wait, what? Answer enough for what?
Wasn't I still supposed to be giving my answer to the confession?
"Just pretend you never heard the confession I made to you that day."
"……Pardon?"
"I was too thoughtless. Considering your position and mine, I should have realized that telling you how I felt might only become a burden to you."
"Oh, no…. That, that is…."
"I won't burden you ever again. I'm sorry for making you agonize over something so pointless, Lilith."
"……."
W-wait. Hold on.
What is happening right now?
So let me get this straight—Ethan genuinely believes that my near-death experience was his fault?
That because he tried to confess, we ended up facing the Abyssal Kraken in a battle that nearly killed us both?
And that out of this sense of responsibility, he's declaring he'll never confess to me again?
'…What do I do?'
I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to process this conversation.
When I'd first heard Ethan's confession, my head had been filled with nothing but the wish that I'd never received it at all.
And I'd agonized endlessly over how to answer in a way that wouldn't hurt him while still honoring the loyalty between us.
Yet now that the situation had arrived where I no longer had to answer at all, for some inexplicable reason, one corner of my chest felt tight and heavy.
'Saying he won't burden me anymore….'
In other words, I would never receive a confession from Ethan again.
From now on, I'd never have to worry about how to turn down something like a confession.
That was, without question, the future I'd wanted, at least in one corner of my heart.
And yet—thinking of a future where I wouldn't even have the chance to hear him confess again—why did my chest feel so impossibly, endlessly tight?
'…Huh?'
No. No, it's nothing.
I don't have romantic feelings for Ethan. Not at all.
I simply feel grateful to him for saving my life, and my heart couldn't help but race in the heat of that moment—that's all.
…It's just that somehow, Ethan looks a little more handsome than before, that's all there is to it.
And maybe—really, in the unlikeliest of cases—if I spent a little more time with him, it wasn't entirely impossible that I might someday develop some small measure of romantic feeling for him.
It made sense. Even from another man's perspective, Ethan was the kind of handsome that could make you fall for him.
That didn't mean I was in love with him now, of course—but the possibility certainly existed.
The real question was: if, by some miracle, I ever did come to see Ethan as a man… would he still feel the same attraction to me?
For one fleeting instant, a feeling swept through my mind—something I didn't want to let slip away.
Ethan had just told me he'd never burden me again—had, in effect, said he would never confess to me again.
Which meant that right now was my last and only chance to answer the confession he'd given me.
I hastily grabbed Ethan's arm as he turned to leave the infirmary, taking one last look at my condition.
"Sorry for intruding while you're recovering, Lilith. I'll head back now, so take your time healing, and when you return…"
-Tug.
"W-wait just a moment, Y-Young Master Ethan…."
"Lilith?"
"M-my answer…. You, you still haven't heard my answer to what you said that day, out on the lake…."
Squeezing out every scrap of courage I had, I tried to deliver my answer to that day—but Ethan only put on a face that said he had no wish to hear it.
When he gave a cautious shake of his head, for an instant I felt my heart plummet straight down into my stomach.
"It's all right, Lilith. You don't have to force out an answer to a confession I shoved on you…"
-Squeeze.
"No. I am not forcing anything. And I don't, don't consider it a forced confession, either."
"……."
"If, if you truly don't wish to hear my answer, Young Master Ethan, then I can hardly stop you—but you, of all people, wouldn't want to leave your confession hanging half-finished, would you?"
"…No. I suppose I wouldn't."
Fortunately, my persuasion seemed to have landed—Ethan nodded with a somewhat more serious expression.
Somehow, a final chance to answer had been granted to me.
So I delivered to him, slowly and clearly, the answer I had worked out for myself on that boat.
…Along with feelings that had shifted, just a little, since then.
"T-to be perfectly honest with you…."
"……Yes."
"I, I still don't really understand what it means for a man and a woman to love each other…."
"……Yes?"
"Wh-whether the feelings I hold for you now, Young Master Ethan, make my heart race because they are love—or whether they are nothing more than a fleeting surge of gratitude toward the man who saved my life—that, I cannot distinguish as I am right now."
"…I see. If that's your answer, then there's nothing to be—"
"B-but…!"
"……?"
"F-for the four years that I attend the academy… I will, I will do my utmost to come to hold such feelings for you, Young Master Ethan!"
"…Lilith?"
"S-so, for the duration of my time at the academy—w-wouldn't something like a, a temporary arrangement as lovers be possible?"
"…A temporary arrangement as lovers?"
"Yes. For however long remains of my time at the academy, you may think of me as your lover, Young Master Ethan. And I, I will of course think of you as mine, in return."
"…Then in the end, that's you telling me you accept my confession, isn't it, Lilith?"
"Y-yes…. Though only for as long as I attend the academy."
That was the very limit of the answer I could give Ethan.
There was no helping it. A man of Ethan's standing would inevitably face countless constraints when it came to marriage—and no baron's son could plausibly wed a commoner-born baroness's maid.
So then—at the very least, spending our days together as lovers for however long we walked the academy's free and open halls was the only way I could honor the loyalty I owed him to the fullest extent I could manage.
And if, against all odds, Ethan's heart remained unchanged even after we graduated…
"And after graduation? If we're only temporary lovers, then we break up after that?"
"When the time comes for me to graduate, if I have managed to find love with you, Young Master Ethan—and if your own feelings toward me have not changed…"
"…And if they have?"
"…Then, you may do with me as you wish, Young Master Ethan."
"As I… wish."
"…Yes. As you wish."