I Already Ate It, Though

There had been a fair share of twists and turns, but the haul was undeniably sweet. My mana pool had expanded, and my pocket was brimming with points.

You can never have too many points!

Points could grant permits to carry or use restricted items, but that was strictly secondary utility. Their primary purpose was buying course credits and smoothing over academic hurdles.

With a bit of extra effort, you can even view your status window.

For an ordinary player, pulling up a status window was as simple as reciting the word, but with the game having become reality, I was stripped of such convenient UI privileges. Instead, one had to cast the academy's unique innate magic, Status Window Viewing Magic, to take a peek under the hood.

Even so, there was a very clear reason I hadn't checked mine once so far: the absurd price tag. Ten thousand points per viewing. A paywalled status screen measured and compiled on credit!

If you tell a Korean gamer they have to pay for a feature they used to get for free, their pride won't let them ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠touch it with a ten-foot pole!

Besides, I was a seasoned veteran. I didn't actually need to see the numbers. My stats, my specs—I could already gauge them roughly with my own mind and body. Above all else, a status window wasn't what I needed right now.

"The Headmaster explicitly stated that you shouldn't even dream of crying foul and must attend on time. Report to the lecture hall immediately."

"Yes, sir..."

Tuesday, third period. The Headmaster's lecture was waiting.

The Dragon Principal expelled a massive gust of breath from nostrils large enough to induce claustrophobia.

"Aaaagh!"

"It's scorching!"

"This is a biohazard!"

Having sent the entire Upper Class into shrieking hysterics, the Headmaster spoke in a droning rumble.

"I hear a certain student was strutting through restricted zones in broad daylight and caused an incident."

Why was everyone turning to stare at me? It might not even be about me!

Feigning utter innocence, I ducked behind Hestia, only for her bear-like paw to seize the scruff of my collar and hoist me up into the open air.

"Taking direct responsibility for your own actions is a mercenary's ironclad rule. Stop hiding and face the music, Orknodi."

"Ugh. Attacking me with sound logic? That's foul play, Hestia!"

Hestia showed no mercy to my whining. The Dragon Principal glared down at my face, his expression deeply sour.

What are you glaring at, you overgrown lizard?

As I stared back just as sullenly, the colossal jaws parted. Then came another huff of draconic wind.

"Aieeeeek!"

The blast was fierce enough to peel the skin off my cheeks, leaving me flailing wildly while suspended from Hestia's forearm. It ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠felt precisely like riding shotgun in some lunatic's sports car barreling down a highway at two hundred kilometers an hour with the window rolled down.

"You seem to have quite a few furrows of discontent between those brows. Care for me to smooth them out a little more?"

"No, sir!!"

Forcing a half-crying grin, I smoothed my forehead flat. The Dragon Principal exhaled one more haughty snort, displaying the full, crushing majesty of a colossal beast.

"There are numerous facilities across this campus that first-years have no business meddling with. Wandering around carelessly will inevitably lead to disaster. If an unknown building manifests before your eyes, or you happen across a structure you have never seen before, do not merrily skip right in. It is not some holy sanctuary of divine revelation opening because you are a chosen Hero, nor is it a fateful encounter. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, it is merely the catastrophic aftermath of a monumental blunder committed by your incompetent upperclassmen."

The ever-curious cat beastperson Jenya raised her hand.

"Then what's the zero point one percent, nya?"

"Presumably an actual sacred sanctuary of divine oracle."

The Dragon Principal sounded thoroughly bored, but the students gasped in collective awe. The Garden of the Gods. Sanctuaries of divine revelation. Holy shrines. Arriving at such places through divine summons or sheer dumb luck could earn you a deity's voice, their favor, holy relics, or transcendent authorities. In layman's terms, an ultra-blessed jackpot event akin to winning the lottery while walking down the street.

Even for players, the odds of setting foot in one were astronomically low.

Though, not all gods are benevolent.

Knowing that being summoned to a divine sanctum was hardly a guaranteed blessing, I remained entirely unimpressed. The other students, however, looked ready to charge out the door, their eyes practically blazing with zealous ambition.

"Enough preaching. In today's 'Headmaster's Teachings' lecture, I shall instruct you on how to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠properly cook monsters. The ingredient on today's menu is... the single most populous monster currently roaming campus grounds: the Giant King Crab!"

The Headmaster took great pride in his educational philosophy: if you orchestrate a disaster event, you must also provide the solution! Even if they suffered prior to class, his ultimate goal was to make them walk away thinking, Hey, maybe this school is actually survivable after all.

Too bad he severely underestimated the 981st cohort.

The students—who had already grilled, steamed, stir-fried, and devoured the Giant King Crab through every culinary method known to man—merely blinked in mild confusion.

"Headmaster. We already stuffed our bellies to bursting with Giant King Crab earlier today."

Isabelle, who almost never spoke out of turn, raised her hand voluntarily.

"Scrubby crab shell♡ A humongous tourist trap tasty only for its bulk♡ Good for nothing except getting chopped into imitation crab salad and devoured♡"

Second Imperial Princess Mesgaki smiled fondly, clearly relishing the memory of the meal.

"Truly? You cooked it already?"

"Truly. We even borrowed a massive steamer from the cafeteria."

At Isabelle's confirmation, the Dragon Principal froze, his massive reptilian features contorting into a flustered look that screamed: This was not in the lesson plan.

A flicker of subtle anticipation lit up across the students' faces. Even the top three contenders for the campus silent treatment championship—the Eastern swordsman Sing, Northern Grand Duchess Irene, and laboratory fusion subject Cassia—wore unmistakable looks of hope.

Is class letting out early today?

Honestly, shouldn't we get a free pass for this?

"Then there is no helping it. We have no choice but to prepare the second most populous monster on campus."

"Ah..."

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

"Did he really have to go that far just to keep teaching...?"

"What a letdown..."

Groans of raw disappointment rippled through the hall. Naturally, the Headmaster didn't give a damn.

Wait, what's the second most common monster? Did another batch of seafood get washed ashore alongside the crabs?

I smacked my lips in anticipation for a split second, only for my face to turn to stone at his next words.

"The second most populous monster happens to be the Red Teeth Mushroom. I will now demonstrate how to cook mushroom cuisine!"

Even Jigoku blanched.

"D-Do we seriously have to eat that?"

"Headmaster. I genuinely don't believe that's wise. Miss a single spore and the whole hall will turn into a living nightmare. How can you even cook that safely?"

Hestia, well-acquainted with the mushroom's gruesome notoriety from her mercenary days, looked just as sickened.

"The only reason Red Teeth Mushrooms are not commercially consumed is the fear of being parasitized and devoured from the inside out by their invasive spores! So long as they are properly prepared, they are entirely edible!"

With a broad sweep of the Dragon Principal's claw, a magic circle flared to life in midair, summoning a cluster of Red Teeth Mushrooms into the room. Looming among them was a Mother-grade Red Teeth Mushroom, the pack's undisputed alpha.

"Kiiieeeek!"

"Kyak!"

"Silence, you vermin!"

"Kiiing..."

"Kweeeh..."

The mushrooms shuddered violently before slumping to the floor, instantly subdued by the Dragon Principal's thundering roar. It was the legendary Dragon Fear—an effect functionally identical to middle management barking so hard at corporate underlings that they rolled their eyes back, foamed at the mouth, and seized on the carpet.

"For your information, Mother-grade specimens accumulate dense mana within their caps. When ingested, this specialized mana-accumulating organ known as the 'Mana Spore Sac' permanently expands one's total mana pool! This rare organ is an evolutionary adaptation developed by Mother-grade Red Teeth Mushrooms to ward off natural predators. And because the second-years have been illegally breeding Red Teeth Mushrooms in secret just to score free mana gains, these pests now hold the second-highest population rank in the entire academy!"

I was wondering why there were so ridiculously many of them! It was the second-years trolling all along!

"Man, the 980th cohort really kills the vibe."

"To think they'd throw all aristocratic dignity into the gutter."

"Hey, isn't that actually kind of ingenious? Maybe we should secretly raise a batch later too?"

The Dragon Principal's slitted eyes locked onto the student who had spoken that last thought aloud. Taking their cue from the Headmaster, the entire class turned to glare at him with absolute contempt: Where on earth did you leave your common sense, blurting that out in broad daylight?

Shrinking awkwardly under the barrage of scorn was none other than Son Ocheon.

Good grief.

Standing near him is just embarrassing. Better take a step back.

Isabelle and Giselle immediately looked away, subtly shuffling sideways to distance themselves from the monkey beastman.

"Now then, you oversized, brainless fungal heap. Cough up that Mana Spore Sac this instant!"

Cowering beneath the Dragon Principal's threat, the Mother-grade Red Teeth Mushroom drooped dejectedly. It reached a stubby arm into its own cap and yanked out the Mana Spore Sac with its bare hands.

"Hmm? What is the meaning of this? Why is it so puny? It looks as though someone already ripped off a massive chunk beforehand."

The Mother-grade Red Teeth Mushroom glanced frantically across the room, its expression pure panic. It whipped its cap left and right, desperately searching for the culprit, but there was no way it could spot its target.

Too late, sucker! I'm already tucked safely under Giselle's cloak!

My grand, solemn promise—to act as an honorary goodwill ambassador for the Red Teeth Mushrooms while grinding titles and help them live in peace across the academy—had completely crashed and burned. Now that the Headmaster had inadvertently outed me as a Mana Spore Sac dine-and-dasher, I could never make eye contact with those mushrooms ever again!